AUTHOR'S NOTE: Well, a few months ago I had an idea for a fanfiction while watching a bunch of Raccoons episodes-I wondered how Ralph and Melissa met one another and got together, so I decided to write about that (in large part because I realized no one else was going to write about that-in that situation, you take things upon yourself!) You all know that fanfic as "The Story Of Ralph Raccoon" (honestly, I think I could have come up with a better title for it than that), and it turned out really quite well-better than I expected (though some parts do leave a bitter aftertaste in my mouth-I think I could have done without Ralph's father having a heart attack). I brought that fanfic to Deviantart, and the reception there has REALLY exceeded what I thought it would: already I've gotten a bunch of art for it-most significantly CartoonLover16 drawing up a title card for every one of the chapters (major props to him). Really did not anticipate it being THAT successful. But, I realized most of the way through it that when Bert's band formed to play at the Valentine's Day Ball (where Ralph and Melissa finally do decide to get together) that I had the opportunity to write another story there. And this? This is that story. Get ready for quite an adventure...

Before I start, I feel compelled to announce this fanfic is dedicated to the memory of two-time Indy 500 champion (including this year's 500) and 2005 Indy Racing League champion Dan Wheldon, who was tragically killed in a terrible accident in this year's Indy Car series finale at Las Vegas. I had the misfortune of tuning into this race, and well...it's quite a sobering experience seeing someone get killed-I've seen it happen four times (all of them race car drivers) already in my short life span. Really shows me life is quite a fragile thing, and it can be taken away so quickly. My thoughts are with the Wheldon family. It might seem odd to dedicate a fanfic that has nothing in the slightest to do with racing to a deceased race car driver, but, well...it just feels like (from my perspective) the right thing to do. It's the most thoughtful thing I could think of to do. Now, with that little bit of ultra-seriousness out of the way...

The Most Wonderful Legal Disclaimer You'll Ever Read In Your Whole Life: I do not own the rights to the Raccoons, they belong to Kevin Gillis. I do not expect to ever gain the rights to this cartoon, so I'll always have to post one of these...Any and all bands or musicians or anything else of the like are not mine either, they belong to their respective copyright holders. Any and all characters appearing in this fanfic who are not from the Raccoons TV show most likely are characters of my own creation-they can only be used with my permission. Use them without my permission, and I will CUT you...! Well, not really, but I do not like theft of characters, so if you want to use one, ask me for my permission, please! Any and all similarities between characters and real people is coincidental but could be intentional...no, scratch that. It most probably IS intentional in this fanfic. I don't intend to make any money off of this fanfic-as if I do, I'm just asking to get locked up in jail, aren't I? And now, Ralph Jr./GoodCaptainClack presents...

Fly By Night: Reaching For The Stars

CHAPTER ONE: Leavin' Here

It was just another ordinary July evening in the Evergreen Forest. All was quiet and all of the forests' inhabitants had retired to their homes for the night. Not a creature seemed to be stirring...except for of course, Bert Raccoon.

Bert was busy packing his belongings into an old suitcase. Tonight was a very important night-a night he'd long dreamed of. Tonight, Bert would be leaving his home in the Forest to head out to the hustle and bustle of Vancouver-where hopefully, he and his band, the Flying Aces, would acquire a recording contract and make their first steps on the path to super-stardom.

Bert glanced at an old photograph he was about to pack into his suitcase. It was an old photograph from his high school days of him and his best friend, Ralph, whom he had been co-habiting with at their Raccoondominium for the past three years. Bert had his arm around his old buddy and was flashing a huge grin while Ralph just looked rather...confused. Bert had caught him by surprise for that photo.

Bert sighed. "So many memories..." Bert was reminiscing over the years. He had met Ralph on their first day of school at Evergreen Elementary many years ago. Bert had been having fun playing on the new swing set when he suddenly oversaw a commotion as an older alligator suddenly beat up another raccoon and stole his lunch. Bert was disgusted at the sight before him and rushed off to confront the bully, Garth Knox, the younger brother of the businessman Mr. Knox (and father of Bonneville). Garth scoffed at Bert's declaration that he would be willing to take him on, but it worked: Garth walked away, declaring that the poor kid he'd been beating up was not worth the effort. The grateful young raccoon had thanked him profusely for helping him, and Bert, feeling sympathetic to the fellow raccoon, offered to be his friend. That young raccoon had been Ralph, and from then on, a life-long friendship had been sparked. Bert and Ralph had been through many things together through the years...

Bert now remembered the days from when the old portrait was taken: high school. Bert had really come into his own in high school, finding himself to be a talented guitarist. He'd also proven to be...quite a hit with the ladies, he'd had quite the stream of girlfriends. He found himself becoming quite popular, something he hadn't really been when he'd been in elementary school. Ralph, on the other hand, poor Ralph...Ralph had just had a horrendous time of it in high school. He found himself constantly bullied by some of Bert's fellow popular kids. Bert' actually found himself berated by them for actually continuing to associate with Ralph and his other close friend, Cedric Sneer, as they were both considered nerds and, well, the polar opposite of "cool." But Bert could never abandon his old friends like his popular pals wanted him to...they had been his oldest and dearest friends, and the popular crowd could never take the place of them. But both Ralph and Cedric had to endure countless hours of bullying and torment-Ralph especially. Bert was disgusted at some of the things they'd said about Ralph: that he'd never make anything of himself, that he was destined to be a failure, and, worst of all, that he would be destined to be alone all his life-that no woman would ever possibly love him. Ralph had been a good guy, no doubt, but he really lacked confidence in himself, and took those statements to heart-he really began to think he was destined to be a failure both financially and romantically. Ralph tried his hardest to find a girlfriend, but none of the girls really wanted him, it seemed-he wasn't their type, and many considered him too...well, cowardly to date. Sure, Bert had to admit, Ralph definitely could stand to show more confidence in himself, but it wasn't right that he was bullied so relentlessly and had such a difficult time in the dating department. Ralph was often miserable in those days and Bert would usually cheer him up when he was down upon himself. It had come to a head when they had had their senior prom-poor Ralph was so saddened to see a girl he had a crush on dancing with one of Bert's popular friends that he'd gone outside and bawled his eyes out. Bert managed to cheer him up by promising him that once they got out of high school and entered the college world, things would get better for Ralph. Ralph was sure to do well in college, as he'd always been a good student, and plus, Bert had felt, that would be certain to impress more than a few girls. Bert explained that some woman out there would want him and love him, and that really made Ralph feel quite a bit better about himself. Ralph had been lucky to have a friend like him-Bert didn't even want to begin to think what he might have done had he not been around for him. For all he knew, without a friend like Bert, Ralph might have tried to kill himself...

Along came college. Bert remembered his college days. Bert had been majoring in music, his one true passion. Ralph had decided to major in newspaper journalism-his own personal passion. A big moment occurred in Ralph's life that first year in college; he'd met Melissa. Bert had to smile, thinking about it: he'd been partially responsible for the two of them getting to know one another-if it hadn't been for him offering Ralph some of his trademark peanut butter delicacies, Ralph would have never gone to that Cafe and then he might very well have never met her! The two of them had become quite good friends over that summer-and Bert could tell the two of them had something for each other. Ralph had vehemently denied it, proclaiming them to be just good friends, but Bert had seen enough to know Ralph could not fool him. He was smitten, love-struck, head over heels for her. But the difference between this and Ralph's past crushes was that he actually stood a chance with her, as it was blatantly obvious to Bert that Melissa felt the same about him. But Ralph, even though he'd eventually admit he did feel that way about her, was up to his old habits-he just could not ask her out. He was afraid that he would drive her away or that he would royally screw up and drive her off. Not to mention, he felt he couldn't ever be good enough for her, that she deserved someone more exciting than him. It was so frustrating, to Bert, seeing his close friend pining for her and then promptly moping that the two of them could never possibly be a good match for each other. It'd gotten to the point where, more than once, Bert had wanted to shout at Ralph, "Dammit, Ralph! Ask the damn girl out! She likes you and you're just going to sit there and let her slip away from you! Take a chance, Ralph!"

It indeed looked like Ralph was going to pass her up as Melissa attempted to ask him out to a big Valentine's Day dance (that Bert had special memories of, for more reason than one...) in his second year of college (and her third). Bert frowned at that memory...Ralph brushed her aside and told her he wasn't interested. That caused Melissa to storm out of the Raccoondominium in tears and poor Ralph just felt so horrible about what'd he done, he'd been so caught up in his schoolwork he hadn't paid attention to her. Bert was ashamed of his friend, but, he felt maybe it wasn't quite over yet for Ralph. Maybe if Ralph gave it a little time, he could apologize to her and get back onto her good side. Ralph took that advice; unfortunately, he found an old high school nemesis in his way-none other than Arnold Layne. Bert cringed remembering Arnold-he couldn't believe he'd actually been friends with him at one time! Arnold had been a completely two-faced, lowbrow jackass who had made Ralph's life hell through high school-and he'd tried to take advantage of Ralph nearly brushing Melissa aside by approaching her and asking her to the dance. Ralph ended up taking a beating from him, but not before he found out that Arnold Layne planned to try to bed her after the dance...whether she wanted it or not. This horrified Bert and Ralph, and led Ralph to do something utterly foolish to try to win her over-challenge Arnold Layne to his hobby, motorcycle racing. Despite the fact that he'd never driven a motorcycle before, Ralph had done surprisingly well...Bert had to admit he was quite impressed with how well he had done! Unfortunately for Ralph, Arnold decided to bend the rules and deliberately crashed poor Ralph right out of the race. This, however, proved to be a blessing in disguise...Arnold was exposed to all for being a good for nothing slime ball, and Melissa promptly ordered him to go away and never come back. Things got even better for Ralph...as Melissa had decided to go to the dance with him after all. They had a really great time together, and Bert was quite glad to hear afterwards that the two of them had decided that they did make a good match, after all, and had decided to start dating. Bert couldn't have been more proud for his friend-he was quite glad to see he was right after all and his "friends" in high school had been wrong-Ralph wasn't destined to be alone, there indeed was a woman out there who thought the world of him. Bert had watched as Ralph and Melissa's relationship had grown stronger through the past couple of years, and just this past year the two had decided to tie the knot and get married. Just a couple months ago, they had been wed as Bert had been Ralph's best man. Ralph was so happy that day in church, and Bert couldn't help but feel glad for him too.

Still, Bert couldn't help but feel a little envious of his friend-Bert had told him that things would get better once they got out of high school. "And boy, did they ever for Ralph!" Bert thought to himself. Ralph had been cowardly, shy, and full of self-doubt in high school, but he was certainly one of those who'd come into his own in college. Now Ralph was confident in himself, he looked certain to succeed in his prospective career, he had a loving wife-everything seemed to be going his way now. Bert hated to admit it to himself, but he was at least a little jealous of Ralph, considering Ralph had actually done better relationship-wise than he had! Ralph had a great relationship with Melissa-hell, he'd married her, hadn't he? Bert, on the other hand, had always had a reputation as a player-he'd been with close to forty different women over the past seven or so years! The furthest Bert had ever gone in a relationship was no further than maybe three months-he'd slept with many of his girlfriends and ended up catching who knows how many diseases over the years from it! "Thank goodness for medication," Bert mused. He couldn't help but wonder if he'd accidentally gotten any of them pregnant-for all he knew there might be more than one young boy or girl out there wondering where their father was! He felt quite guilty for doing that. Bert just could not help but be envious of Ralph (even though he'd never voiced that to him), because Ralph had something he did not: the love of a good woman. Bert couldn't help but wonder what it was like to have that-it had to be quite a wonderful feeling, judging by how Ralph seemed most of the time. Bert hoped that maybe someday he would find out what that was like...

But with the future that seemed certain for him, it was quite likely he would. Bert had to remember when he'd gotten his first guitar back in 1974 when he was twelve. It had been a birthday gift from his parents-well, more specifically, his mother, as his father had always thought of rock music as "demon's music" and significantly preferred old Broadway showtunes-a genre Bert could never understand anyone's interest in. When he'd first gotten a guitar, he had been truly awful at the instrument-but time had helped him get better at the instrument. Before he knew it, Bert was able to play some of his favorite songs from his favorite rock genre of the time-glam rock. Bert had had aspirations of being a glam rocker at that time, but now he was quite embarrassed that he'd even begun to think about becoming a glam rocker-he could not believe he'd ever wanted to paint his face in make-up and wear those ridiculous costumes. It'd been so ridiculous, so corny, so...campy. Bert was glad his musical taste had changed over the years. He'd seen many of the greats performing right at Vancouver-Adrenaline, Steel Airship, Uriah Sheep, Deep Blue, the What, the Rolling Bones...the list went on and on. Bert had gravitated towards the heavy metal genre by the end of his high school days, and he felt certain he could be a metal god. That Valentine's Day that Ralph and Melissa had gotten together had been a special day for Bert as well-it was the Flying Aces' first gig. Bert remembered that gig quite well-Bert had gathered together his fellow musical colleagues Donny Davis as his co-lead guitarist and Mark Miller as his bass player. Rounding up that original line-up were Bert's friends from high school Carl Waters on keyboards and Clancy Rogers on drums. Bert had personally wanted Cedric to be his keyboardist and Ralph to be his drummer, but Ralph had no interest in the rock and roll lifestyle (as much as Bert had tried to persuade him it had to be the right lifestyle for the both of them, Ralph would not hear a word of it), and Cedric had been away at a different college. So Carl and Clancy it had been. They had managed to gel together quite well...so well, in fact, Bert got arrested for disturbing the peace at their first ever gig! He didn't regret it, though, not one bit...

But that original line-up only lasted for a short time; within two months, Mark had already left the Flying Aces. Bert had never even known it, but Mark had already been scouted out by another local band called Greasy Spoon even before he'd joined the Flying Aces-from what Bert had known, Greasy Spoon had already acquired a record contract and already had an LP out. Bert was a little envious Mark had gone on to achieve success before him. With Mark gone, Donny Davis had moved over to replace him on bass, ending the band's short-lived days as a band with two lead guitarists; which Bert didn't really truthfully mind. Carl Waters had been the next to go...to be honest, he had never managed to fit in with the Aces at all. Bert and Donny were both heavy metal musicians by trade, and Clancy had been a jazz-trained drummer when he'd been in high school, but had managed to surprisingly quickly adapt to the heavy metal style. But Carl...Carl was quite the cracked nut, Bert had to admit. He'd been somewhat of an...avant-gardeist. Bert had written a number of songs with Ralph (he'd needed Ralph's help, because, Bert had to embarrassingly admit, he'd had a lot of trouble coming up with the lyrics for a full song itself outside of the choruses), and the Aces had usually performed these songs as well as a few covers of songs they had liked (Adrenaline and Steel Airship being most prominent among them). But Carl...Carl was trying to present his, erm, "songs" to the band to perform...and they were highly bizarre. Their lyrics often made little to no sense, and Carl would continuously change up the key and the tempo every time they performed them and then seemed dumbfounded when they didn't seem to get his songs. He'd already been short a few marbles when the band had formed, but over the following year he'd just gotten more and more psychotic and less and less functional. Finally, it came to a head when Carl pulled out a hammer at the end of a gig and destroyed his synthesizer, then promptly quit the band and announced he was going solo. Bert didn't really miss Carl-he'd been far too crazy to fit in with the band! Fortunately, it didn't take long for Bert to find a replacement...along had come an older raccoon by the name of Don Ringtail, new to the Evergreen Forest. What luck Bert had had in being able to recruit Don into his fold-Don was an ex-progressive rocker from the 1970s, the leader, composer, songwriter, and frontman of the not-so-very-successful group Clawhammer. They had had 4 LPs out, released between 1972 and 1977, before they had to dissolve due to poor sales leading to them going bankrupt. Don offered Bert that he'd help him with his songwriting-which negated Bert's dependance on Ralph for help with lyrics. With this lineup, Bert certainly was destined for success...

"Uh oh!" Bert suddenly realized. Thinking about Don had suddenly made him realize something-Don, along with Donny and Clancy, would be coming by here very soon tonight to pick Bert up and travel to Vancouver together, where they already had an apartment waiting for them. He'd been so lost in thought, he'd nearly forgot all about that. "Oh man, I better finish packing-Don'll be here any minute!"

Meanwhile, downstairs, Ralph and Melissa were sitting on the sofa, watching the late-night news together. Ralph knew tonight was a very big night-the night his oldest and dearest friend would be leaving their Raccoondominium for life in the big city. The both of them were rather concerned about their friend...

"Well, Melissa," Ralph spoke to his wife, "this is it. In just maybe an hour or so, Bert's going to be leaving for Vancouver. He's got such high hopes for success there...and well, I fear what may happen to him out there. You know, the city is far from a friendly place..."

Melissa nodded. "I know, Ralph. Bert doesn't seem to be aware of the many dangers the city poses towards him, I just hope he'll be able to make it out there..."

"Who knows?" Ralph wondered. "With Bert, really, who knows what could go down in Vancouver..."

"Plus," Melissa added, "I'm more than a bit worried about those band mates of his. They don't seem to be the most outstanding group of characters...especially that Don Ringtail. I have a very bad feeling about him...I just do. Something doesn't seem quite right about him..."

Ralph seemed a bit surprised by this particular statement. "Why do you think that?"

"Well, when I had the opportunity to speak to him, I felt this particularly bad vibe about him. Like he wasn't all he said to be, like there was something he never told us. Didn't you feel that when you spoke with him?"

Ralph shook his head. "No, Melissa, in fact, if I may be honest with you, I actually thought Don was quite an upstanding kind of guy. Compared to Donny and Clancy, he really felt like a guy I could really relate to."

Melissa frowned. "Of course you'd like him, Ralph."

Ralph seemed confused by Melissa's rather sudden change of mood for the sour. "Why would that be?"

"Because," she huffed, "he's a poet, just like you are!"

Ralph remembered when he'd actually had the opportunity to meet Don-it'd been at his very own bachelor party. Don had really made a good impression on Ralph, truth be told, he'd even given Ralph copies of the two books of poetry he'd written shortly after Clawhammer had failed as a group as a wedding present. Ralph admittedly found Don's poetry style interesting-Don primarily wrote darkly humored character portraits. It had reminded him a bit of John Antwistle of the What, a famous musician who had written songs in that type of style. Not to mention, Ralph was amazed that a professional like Don had seemingly thought an amateur such as himself was good-Don had told him "Your poetry's pretty good there, Ralph, you ever thought about having it published professionally? I could see to that." The thought of Ralph actually having his poems he'd written over the years published professionally was a bit of an enticing one.

Ralph calmly responded, "Well, Melissa, Don and I do happen to be fellow poets, and I suppose we do have to look out for one another. I can't really say if there's something up about him. I guess only time will tell."

"I suppose we'll see..." Melissa sighed.

"Bert's bandmates aren't what I'm most concerned about though. What concerns me the most is, well, the music industry."

"Oh, them," Melissa replied. "I've heard they're...well, they're not exactly the friendliest bunch of folks."

"Exactly," Ralph agreed, "and they'll have rules they'll want Bert to follow. I'm really concerned they're going to try to mold him and break him until he becomes their own personal puppet. I really hope that doesn't happen to him..."

"Bert's pretty strong-willed, I don't know if he'd give in to that so easily."

"You'd be surprised what the possibility of stardom could do to somebody..."

At that moment, Bert came downstairs carrying his suitcase with him.

"Finished packing, Bert?" Melissa queried him.

"Oh yeah," Bert said, placing the suitcase right next to the front door. "I'm all ready; I'm just waiting for Don and the guys to show up."

"Well, they'll be here any minute," Ralph informed him.

"Oh, wait, I almost forgot," Bert added, remembering something he had planned to do for a long time ever since he knew when he'd be leaving the Forest.

"What did you almost forget?" Melissa asked, curiously.

Bert walked over to the telephone and dialed a number.

"Are you calling Cedric or something?" Melissa tried to find out.

"No, you'll see," Bert chuckled.

Meanwhile, at Mike's Beer Emporium, Mike Mulligan was busy wiping off a beer mug while the usual cast of drunks were busy enjoying their beers and watching an ultra-bloody late night boxing match. Mike was the father of Melissa and had recently had to give away his daughter at her wedding to Ralph. It had been very hard on him, as poor Mike didn't really have much left in this world...not to mention, the thought of Melissa being intimate with her new husband did wreck his nerves somewhat...he'd thought about that more than once, and for him, it wasn't a pleasant thought...Sure, that was pretty much supposed to happen in a marriage-any marriage without it was pretty much a loveless sham-but that still didn't mean Mike had to particularly like that though. Mike sighed, as suddenly, at that moment, the telephone rang. A phone call. Mike wondered who it could be as he answered the ringer.

"Hello, Mike's Beer Emporium," Mike calmly replied. "Greatest booze-hole in all of the Evergreen Forest, bar none. How can I help you?"

The voice on the other end of the line asked of him, "Well, Mike, I'm trying to find a friend of mine. Goes by the name of Phil."

"Phil, eh? Phil who?"

"Uh, Phil McCracken. He was supposed to be home to his wife hours ago, and she just called me asking if I could get him to come home. Any chance you could find him for her?"

Mike felt certain he could help here. "Sure, I'll check for him." Mike promptly held the phone to the side and shouted out to his patrons, "Uh, Phil McCracken! Phil McCracken? Hey, everyone, I want a Phil McCracken!"

The drunks quickly realized the double entendre of the name, and promptly responded by bursting out into uproarious laughter.

"Hey, Mike," chimed in Peter Fagan, a rabbit patron of Mike's. "Ya know, if you want that, I think I heard they got a gay bar somewhere around this area!" Peter promptly howled with laughter.

"Heheh, good one, Pete! Good one!" Arthur Raccoon, another patron of Mike's (and Ralph's father, to boot), agreed as he and Peter chinked their beer mugs together and joined their fellow customers in the fit of laughter.

Mike looked confused for a moment, then realized something. He had just been had. Big-time. "YOU!" he shouted angrily into the receiver. "It's you AGAIN? I thought you were through calling here! I thought maybe you had grown up a little since you hadn't called me in ages, but I see you're still the same old cowardly jackass you've always been!"

The voice on the other end of the line laughed and asked Mike calmly, "What are you going to do about it?"

Mike furiously shouted, "You little toad, if I ever find out who you are, I'll chop the top of your head off with my rusty old chainsaw and use your brains to help re-paint my old car! Now leave me the hell alone!" Mike angrily slammed the receiver down. What a little jackass. Mike could not stand that punk, whoever the hell he was...

Back at the Raccoondominium, Bert was roaring with laughter as he had just committed another successful prank call to add to his list. Ralph and Melissa looked at him with disgust and disbelief upon their faces.

"Bert!" Melissa scolded him. "I thought you'd grown out of making those horrible calls to my father!"

"You promised us you would never make one of those immature and childish prank calls again, what exactly is this all about?" Ralph angrily proclaimed.

"I am done with them officially; now and forever," Bert said, more seriously. "The only reason I did that, you see, was, well, for old time's sake. I'm probably never going to be able to do that again anyways, I figured I might as well take the opportunity..."

Ralph and Melissa sighed. They'd never truly understand how Bert worked sometimes...

Bert spoke to his two close friends. "Well, I guess this is goodbye, you two. I'm really gonna miss ya-but don't worry, I'll still write and call here every so often! We won't stay out of touch."

Ralph nodded. "It's at least good to know we'll hear from you, Bert. I just do hope you're not expecting success right away."

Bert laughed. "Ah, of course not, Ralphie! Rome wasn't built in a day, you know. But I think we have a really good shot between you and me-with Don and Donny on my side, I'm certain we'll be able to show 'em something! I've got my hopes set real high here-you know, that one local critic who sat in at one of our gigs said we sounded like a poor man's Judas Priest, and with a compliment like that, I know that means we'll be stars!"

Ralph and Melissa both groaned at Bert's rather woeful ignorance. Bert had completely misunderstood that statement.

"Bert, you do realize, that was not a compliment in the slightest," Ralph retorted.

"What he really meant, Bert," Melissa explained to the pitifully unaware raccoon, "was that he thought the Flying Aces sounded like a very bad imitation of that band. He was putting down your band as one to avoid."

"Huh." Bert felt a bit insulted now. "Still, I think we do have quite a good shot at the big-time. When we're on our big world tour, my band will be the first major band to make a stop right here at the Evergreen Forest Forest Bowl for a performance! I'll be sure to give ya two free tickets; hell, I'll even let you two backstage!"

Ralph sighed. "Oh goodness. I sure hope it'd be nothing like that one show he invited us to..." he whispered to Melissa.

Melissa had to agree with that. "How could I ever forget that?" It had been a show late last year at a club in the nearby sleepy village of Spruceton. Bert had invited the young couple and they had decided to go to actually see how good they were. It was just Ralph and Melissa's luck that Bert and his band decided to get drunk before the show...they'd started off fairly well, but they got worse and worse and more and more sloppy throughout the show until the encore performance, where partway through the particular song Bert and his band just went nuts. Don and Donny were barely playing their instruments at all, while Clancy was violently beating away at his drums and Bert was playing an ugly mishmash of random disjointed chords. The resulting sound was utterly horrendous-Ralph and Melissa nearly went deaf from the horrible cacophony. Bert and Clancy had certainly showed the sheer amount of ear-destructiveness that could be committed with just one guitar and one drum set. And the majority of the audience...loved it. They had wildly applauded the Flying Aces, some had actually asked for another encore. Bert went backstage after the show and passed out dead drunk; Ralph and Melissa had to carry him back home. Unlike, say, the night Ralph and Melissa had gotten together at the dance, for them, that was not a night to remember.

Bert had overheard them. "Heh, don't worry, it won't be anything like that. You have the word of Bert Raccoon, Ace Metal God!" he enthusiastically exclaimed.

Ralph and Melissa just had to shake their heads-they didn't know how to respond to that. At that very moment, a car horn honked outside.

"Ah, that must be Don right now!" Bert excitedly exclaimed. He raced towards the door, Ralph and Melissa close behind him.

Bert opened the door, and sure enough, he could see the lights of Don's old 1970 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Bert knew for a fact that Don had recently restored that car, he'd actually helped him with the paint. Bert could see Don waving from the front seat at him. "Hey, Bert, we're here!" Don called out to him. "Come on, we're all ready to get to the big town. I saved you a seat up front next to me-Donny and Clancy were really trying to fight me over that!"

Bert knew it was nearly time to leave. But first, he had to say goodbye to his close friends and housemates...

"Well, Ralphie boy, Melissa, this is goodbye, I guess," Bert said, as he picked up his suitcase. "My future's waiting for me right over there in that car. I hope you two won't forget about me."

"We won't, Bert," Ralph assured him. "We could never forget about you. You're my oldest friend, Bert...I don't know how I'd have made it through those difficult high school years without your support. Thanks for all your help Bert...I really mean it."

"No problem, Ralphie boy," Bert said as he pulled in Ralph for a quick hug.

"See you around, Bert," Melissa added. "Hope you don't get yourself into too much trouble in Vancouver. The city's not that friendly, you know..."

"I'll manage," Bert said. "And hey, there's at least one positive for you two in this-you two have the Raccoondominium all to yourself right now. Think about tha-" At that moment, Bert was rather rudely interrupted as Don honked his horn at him.

"Hurry it up there, Bert!" he shouted loudly. "I want to get on the road as soon as possible as we need to get some gas pumped into this shiny little shitbox or else we'll run out! Plus, I do want to get to Vancouver before the sun rises..."

"If you don't hurry up," Donny shouted from the back seat, as he'd rolled down his window too, "we'll be glad to leave ya behind and hire a new guitarist to take your place! I'm sure there are plenty of talented young wannabe guitar gods willing to take your spot out in Vancouver!"

That thought scared Bert-the thought of him being replaced. No, they couldn't replace him-the Flying Aces were his band, he was the leader. Him not being in the band would be like Santa Claus minus his flying reindeer. It just couldn't possibly work. "Uh oh, I gotta go!" Bert panicked as he started to run off with his suitcase. He quickly turned to wave to Ralph and Melissa. "Bye, you two, see ya whenever we show up for our big show at the Forest Bowl!"

Ralph and Melissa waved back to him. "We'll see you, Bert," Ralph called to him.

"Don't forget to write!" Melissa shouted.

"You know I won't!" Bert hollered as he hurriedly threw his suitcase in the trunk and climbed into the car. With that, Don took off and headed out for the open highway. Soon, the rear taillights faded from Ralph and Melissa's vantage point.

With that, the young couple went back inside and sat down on the sofa next to each other.

"Well, Melissa, Bert's on his way to the city now," Ralph sighed. It was hard seeing his friend leave-there practically hadn't been a day Ralph had not seen Bert since they were in kindergarten. It was rather hard for him. "I do hope he manages to be smart and keep out of trouble..."

"Me too," Melissa agreed. "I think he'll be fine, if he can keep his head on straight. No guarantee with him."

Ralph had to laugh. "I know that all too well. It's just...you know...hard to see him leave. We grew up together, you know..." Ralph felt a little overwhelmed at this particular moment. "Bert did so much for me. If it weren't for him I probably would have killed myself in high school. Hell...if it weren't for him, I don't think I'd be here with you right now." Ralph sighed heavily.

Melissa saw the sadness in Ralph's eyes. "Aw, honey, cheer up there," she said to her husband, in a comforting tone as she placed a paw on his shoulder. "It's hard to see someone you've known your whole life leave, but it'll get better. Plus you'll at least still hear from him-he's still going to write to us every so often."

Ralph sighed. "Oh, I know, I know, dear. It's just going to be a little different getting adjusted to him not being around." He sounded quite sad.

Melissa suddenly remembered something Bert had been in the process of saying when Don had called for him to leave. "Say, Ralph," she said, slyly, "I know something that'll cheer you up..."

Ralph looked to his wife. "And what would that be?"

Melissa grinned cheekily. "You remember what Bert said right before he left, don't you...?"

Ralph thought for a moment, trying to think of what his old friend had said. "He told us he wouldn't forget to write, correct?"

Melissa did not like that particular answer. "Not quite, Ralph...think before that."

Ralph tried to think a little further before that. "I don't remember-funny enough, it was just a few minutes ago and I can't remember what he said."

Melissa decided to help him with that. "He said there was one positive thing about him leaving for the city. Know what that is?"

"Um, what would that be?" Ralph was a little confused.

Melissa promptly embraced Ralph and planted a rather passionate kiss upon his lips. "That answer your question?" she said in a rather...aroused tone.

Ralph felt quite confused now. She had totally caught him by surprise. "I don't quite get what you're trying to get at..."

Melissa mentally slapped herself. She loved Ralph with all her heart, but sometimes he could be just so dreadfully clueless. "For someone who's supposed to be really smart, you sure are quite slow sometimes..."

Ralph still wasn't sure what she was trying to grasp at. "What are you saying?"

"Ralph, now that Bert's gone, we have a lot more room for...heheh...private time together..."

"Oh!" Ralph exclaimed. "Now I see what you're getting at." Ralph did quite like that fact...he'd been more than a little afraid since he and Melissa had tied the knot that Bert would suddenly wake up in the middle of the night and come barging into their bedroom and catch them...in the act. But with Bert gone...

"Exactly! With Bert gone, we don't have to worry about him interrupting us, at least. You remember when he caught us making out while we were studying together, don't you...?"

Ralph could never forget that-that had been...quite the embarrassment for the two of them. "Oh boy...I'm not going to forget that anytime soon. Bert sometimes..."

"Well, we don't have to worry about that now, Ralph," Melissa giggled, as she pulled her husband closer to her as they shared another passionate kiss together. "So, Ralph, honey," Melissa said, gazing at her husband longingly, "what d'you say we go upstairs and christen those new bed sheets?"

Ralph certainly wasn't feeling depressed right now-he felt quite in the mood right now. "Those sheets? I'm more than ready, Melissa..."

Tonight was definitely going to be quite the night...

Meanwhile, Bert was lazing back in the passenger seat of Don's old Oldsmobile; just looking up at the night sky, at all the stars, stargazing.

Bert felt a little bit saddened leaving his old home in the Evergreen Forest; so many memories there. So many things, friends, familiar places he'd be leaving behind. Vancouver would be a strange new place, full of strange people, strange new locations, and all sorts of stuff Bert had never encountered before. He felt...maybe just a tiny bit scared.

But, the future still seemed quite bright...as bright as that Cheshire Cat-esque moon up in the sky was. The stars in the night sky...Bert smiled gazing at them. He felt certain that someday, very soon, he could be a certain kind of star too. All the teenagers of the Western world would look up to him and want to be like him.

Bert didn't know what to fully expect upon their arrival in Vancouver...but he knew one thing for sure.

It would be one hell of an interesting experience.

END CHAPTER ONE

AUTHOR'S NOTE: And there's chapter one...a preview of things to come. Let me start by mentioning I decided to mash up the title between a title Kobe suggested for this (thanks to him) and the title of a Rush song (and album)...a song I feel really fits the mood of this fanfic, as it's a song about leaving the home one's familiar with for a strange new place. Fitting, don't you think?

While this story is mainly focused on Bert and his unfortunate misadventures in the city (and further misadventures trying to return home), there's also subplots back in the Evergreen Forest, one for Ralph's father Arthur, who you prominently met last time around (will be a very goofy suplot-which you can't really expect any less from a character like him-I mean, him being Homer-based and all, it would be quite difficult to have a serious plot dedicated to him) and one for Ralph and Melissa, focusing on their marriage and some initial problems with it. (Wasn't originally going to be in there, but Spiral/Grenzer liked how I wrote them last time around, and I figured I might as well write a subplot for them as well). No doubt Arthur's and Ralph and Melissa's subplots are going to intersect at some points-Bert's is going to be kept separate. This'll alternate between chapters-so some chapters are Bert's, some are Ralph and Melissa's, and some are Arthur's. Just giving a heads-up.

Figured the best way to initially begin this fanfic was having Bert looking back at the years and seeing how things played out. In other words, basically a mini-summary of Ralph's story. Just felt natural to me.

In case you are wondering-no, Clawhammer was not a real band. It's a fictitious band. There actually was a band called Clawhammer (had to look it up in case one actually existed...not to mention their name had a space in it) but they were an obscure indie band from California in the 1990s...hope the members of that band don't find this fanfic and sue me for stealing their band's name (which wasn't intentional on my part).

Yup. Had to have Bert prank call poor old Mike one more time for old time's sake...but wait. This time it's not a prank call straight out of the Simpsons-this time, it's a completely new name never used on the Simpsons-Phil McCracken ("Fill my crack in", in case you couldn't possibly tell). Thought it was a funny name and I thought I'd try to be slightly more original than completely copping the Simpsons yet again.

Haha, that part with Ralph and Melissa...hey, I did have Ralph mention in that epilogue that that had been a positive of Bert leaving for Vancouver, kind of figured I had to write that part. (Cut it off before it became graphic, because, I'm not going to write anything extremely graphic of that nature. Not going to do it, sorry!)

And so, that's Chapter 1. Chapter 2 is to be more of another introductory chapter (introducing Bert's bandmates-as you need to see what they're like since they have semi-starring roles in this). Feel free to drop me a line!