A/N: Okay. I have no idea where this will go. It is Derek and Addison. For some reason I am enjoying this pairing a lot. It's set like, season one/season two. They haven't gotten divorced yet; they're still married and trying to make it work. And I tend to start in first person, per say, and switch to third halfway throughout. So tell me if I have, because I tend to not even notice, because I'm like that, and I'll go back and fix it after I sleep a little bit. Because I usually write on zero sleep. That's how/when I accomplish everything.
Oh. And sometimes I like to swear, just to tell you. So there'll probably be some swearing here. So if you don't feel comfortable reading that or something… then don't.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything.
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"I don't want to be an obligation Derek!" Addison mutters, nearly whispers, at me angrily through her tears, her voice still echoing in my head as the door to the trailer slams shut and she's gone. We'd been arguing, per usual, on arrival home from the hospital. Every day with us was the same since I told her that it was her. I chose her. But that doesn't seem to be enough. The thing was, she cheated on me. She fucking slept with my best friend. And it's my fault. It really is. My fault, I mean. Because she was an obligation, if I was to be honest. She was. I wasn't in love with her. I wasn't in love with anyone. I forgot how to love. Well, I forgot to love anything that wasn't surgical. Addison included. She was my life once. It seems like a lifetime ago, when we were both interns, then residents. When we were starting our careers. When we met. When I would have given up being a surgeon just to make it work between us. When I was young, and crazy. When I took risks because I trusted. Because I loved. But it's never enough. W always want more. We always have to be more. There is no ligament reason why my marriage with my completely dedicated, completely gorgeous wife should not have worked. Mark once told me, when I first told him me and Addison were serious, that it was just lust. Nothing more. Lust. And I laughed at him. I was laughing at him when I proposed. When we got married. At our one year anniversary. At our five year anniversary. And by our ten-year anniversary, I had stop laughing. I had stopped caring. Because it was trivial. It got to the point where I couldn't remember my life without Addison. She had always been there, and she would always be there. Until she wasn't. Until one day, I realized that she was just as distant as I had grown, that the separation between the two of us, albeit not physical, was immensely unavoidable. Even for me. That was the day I caught her and Mark. It wasn't as if I hadn't expected it. The years of watching him lust after her, the lingering glances, innocent touching… when she became an obligation, when our marriage became strained, and less important than things like surgeries, I should have known he'd move in for the kill. And he did, he killed me. So I left. I made the distance physical. Though I'm not sure if all the miles between Seattle and New York combined added up to the distance that had come to separate Addison and I. I was hurt. I was selfish. And I was stupid. And all I want is to go back to that time when our marriage was new. When Addison was everything to me. When I was everything to her. With Mark, as our third wheel, annoying and inappropriate, but always within boundaries. Where there was mutual respect, mutual understanding. Where there was life. Where there was love.
"You're back." I sigh as I hear the door to the trailer slam once again.
"Of course I'm back." She rolls her eyes, still angry. "I didn't have a coat, or clothes… I didn't take my purse so I couldn't buy anything either."
"Right." I smirk. I can't help but to argue. I can't help but to make the snide remarks that make her hate me more. I can't help but to feed her resentment because then, at least then, we have some hint of emotion in the relationship between us. Even hate is better than denial. Even hate is better than the numbness that overtook me, that captured me, held me captive for those years.
"I'm sleeping here tonight. Because it's late, and I have surgery in the morning, and there is no time to find a decent hotel to stay at. And no time to pack." She explains.
"Okay." I sigh, sitting down on the bed.
"Okay?" She repeats inquisitively. "Every night this week I've stormed out. Every night this week I've come back because in my blind rage, I forget to leave with things to prevent me from having to come back, and every night I'm too tired to leave again. And every night you don't give up."
"I know." Is my reply. I suppose this was my epiphany. My turning point. But how do I explain that to my wife, who could decide to become my ex-wife at any moment, because she hates me?
"What's with you right now? You've stopped with the snide remarks, you've stopped arguing, yelling… what are you up to?" She wonders, eyes narrow as she glares at me accusingly. And of course, at that moment, she decides it would be appropriate to change into her sleepwear. Lust. Just like Mark had once accused me of feeling solely towards her. And of course, I'd never denied it being there. Naturally it would be. I was a man, and she was beautiful. But why, why now of all times, did I have to decide that I felt these things now? Why not before I got her angry? Why not when she didn't hate my guts? Why not years ago, before I made this mess?
"Addison… I…" She turns around to look at me, and I swallow. Wonderful. Just fucking wonderful.
"You what?" She asked, obviously starting to get annoyed with my sudden inability to string together sentences.
"I'm sorry." The words come out before I can process how lame them must sound. Fighting the urge to wince, I wait for her to laugh. Or snap. Or do something. But when I look back up at her, her face is blank, almost surprised. And she's still not wearing a shirt.
"You're sorry?" She repeats. Funny, how an hour ago I would have made a sarcastic comment about her repeating everything I said.
"I'm sorry." I repeat. "You don't know how sorry I am."
"I'm sorry too." She still regards me with an accusing, suspecting glare, and maybe it's just my imagination, but it seems to be just a little bit softer than it was before. But maybe it's just my imagination. "But this doesn't change anything." Her lips captivate me, and I'm not even sure her words are registering in my head, because one hundred percent of my willpower is working overtime to keep me from reaching out, and touching her. Kissing her.
"I mean for everything. Not just tonight. Just, for everything." I want to wince after I've said that too. How easily it could be taken the wrong way. But she just gives me another look. A different look that I can't decipher.
"I know Derek." She tells me. I should have figured she'd take it the way I wanted her to. She's known me forever. She's been here forever, but suddenly, I'm not overlooking it. She wasn't a right, she was never something he deserved, and she was a privilege. He'd taken advantage of the fact that he'd been there for years. That she loved him. And he would no longer be so arrogant, so… idiotic.
"I took you for granted Addie." I confess. "I really did."
"I know Derek." She says again, finally pulling her nightgown over her head. Taking her hair down and sliding off her dress pants, she pulls the blankets off her side of the bed and lies underneath them. "I know." She repeats as she turns out the light. She wasn't lying when she said that it wouldn't change anything. And it could very well be over between us. But with settling regrets, I know I won't sleep without closure. But I lay down, settling underneath the blankets and basking in their warmth as I devise plan and plan again to win her back. Because she deserves the world.
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My heart is beating so fast, I'm struggling to breathe
Your lips they are moving, no sound over the beat
And then you are smiling, and my heart slows
I wonder if either one of us knows
How nervous we are when the other's around
I try to be calm, but I can't hear a sound
Once more, smile my love, please
Only your smile can put me at ease
Tonight.
--&
A/N: So that was… I don't know. So please review and tell me what you thought. I am planning to write another chapter, expressing her thoughts and such forth during this little altercation, and then I can continue from there if people, anyone really, are interested in reading. So let me know. Hope you enjoyed!
Dayna