"I recall certain moments, when after having had my fill of her I would gather her in my arms with, at last, a mute moan of human tenderness - and the tenderness would deepen to shame and despair, and I would lull and rock my lone light Lolita in my marble arms, and moan in her warm hair (with my soul actually hanging around her naked body and ready to repent), all at once, ironically, horribly, lust would swell again "
~Humbert Humbert, Lolita
How many times have you claimed that you are 'happy'? How many times have you really meant it? Happiness. Joy. Contentment. Essentially such easy words, yet so hard to attain. One may feel happy, or even be content, but true happiness is so rare, even those who have it often fail to recognize it.
That was not the case with me.
Even if a few months ago someone had asked me if I was happy, I may have replied in the affirmative not really knowing what it was to be truly happy. But now, I know. This euphoria that I constantly feel is both alien to me, and also set in my bones. It is like an ancient call of joy. I feel it within me, like a ray of light shining outwards.
My happiness doesn't stem from personal goals achieved or sights seen and the world travelled. No, my happiness stands in front of me, dancing slightly to the rhythm of piano music while tasting something on a wooden spoon. My angel. My Light amidst the dark. My Bella.
"You know, you look constipated."
Her voice breaks me out of my reverie. I smile sheepishly and look up. She is now directly in front of me, one eyebrow raised, half-annoyed half-questioning. No not annoyed, more puzzled. She can't be annoyed with me, I think wryly.
She has found me in this position more than once now. I can tell she wants to ask, but as expected, she doesn't. In any other circumstances, probably in a different world, she would have. This fact doesn't escape me.
I smile at her and lightly kiss her on the lips…at least that's what I originally intended. But Bella has other plans. Her lips part and her tongue glides out to brush my lips. I have no choice but to open and she slips in. And I am lost.
I am lost in the taste of her, of her feel in my arms. So soft, so fragile. One wrong move and I could ruin her for life. But I'm too far gone to move. I just stand there and enjoy the feel of her.
This is wrong. I know that. I'm a monster, a loathsome creature of the night. Her light has no place in my world; she is too pure to be tarnished by me. I should stop this.
But I don't. I am too far gone.
My hands move of their own accord and lightly clasp her waist. But it's not enough. I need to feel her. I need to possess her.With a growl, I push her against the wall. I probably hurt her, but I don't know. I am too far gone.
Rational thoughts flee from my mind as I pounce on her. Her laugh rings out in the stillness of the apartment. She enjoys it. Like she has a choice…
Free or not, her laugh is infectious. My own lips curve into a smile as I attack her neck, leaving a wet trail up to her earlobe. I take my time with her skin. Why not? Tonight, we have all the time in the world. Tomorrow, I don't know what will happen, what I'll do. But tonight, I will worship every inch of her. She is my Goddess, my salvation and she will be treated so.
I don't know how long has passed before we finally make it to the bed. I don't know how long we spend in the bed. And I don't care. All I care about is the moment, the heat of her around me, her quite moans and her loud cries….and the magic we build together. It could have been hours, or it could have been days – it didn't matter. Nothing does as long we are here and now.
Our interlude is finally interrupted by the grumblings of her stomach. She smiles sheepishly, embarrassed, but doesn't move. Even after all this time, it amazes me how she could get embarrassed over something so…human. But that doesn't mean I don't enjoy it - her flushed skin or the way her cheeks colour when she is embarrassed. Yes, I am detestable; I already know that.
"Looks like someone's hungry," I grin.
"Oh hush! Us mere mortals need to eat, unlike you."
"I'm not immortal," I protest, smirking, "Just harder to kill."
Too late, I realize this was probably not the right thing to say. All at once, images flood my mind. A dark night, rainfall, Bella getting drenched, me following her, a struggle and many more – things I would rather not remember. Looking at Bella, I know - the same memory plagues her mind. Only in her case, it would be fuzzy. Maybe even completely gone; courtesy me. I am sickening.
Bella doesn't say anything. She simply gets off the bed and goes into the kitchen. For a long moment, I sit still. I don't know what I should do. No, that is not right. I know what I should do. I just need to do it. With a groan, I get up to find her. I need to reassure myself that I still have time. She is still here. For now...
The sun is streaming through the window illuminating the room in a pale glow. Bella lies next to me, a soft smile gracing her face, her skin aglow with the light. Beautiful.
After she ate, she was in a better mood. It took little persuasion on my part for her to climb back into bed with me. That was six hours ago.
But now the night is gone. And my time is up. Like all creatures of the dark, I too need to slink away. Sighing, I sit up.
My movement alerts Bella causing her to look up at me.
"What's wrong," she asks softly. The feel of her palm on my bare back is like a touch of heaven, mesmerizing, yet, henceforth forever denied to me. I will not begrudge it, I deserve it. I try to look at her, but can't. The lump in my throat is too big to ignore. Getting up, I quietly get dressed. Moving quickly, I clean up the apartment, and all evidences of our activities. All evidences of my presence.
Bella is now truly alarmed. "Look at me," she demands. I oblige.
Soft pools of chocolate stare back at me. Warm and inviting, but behind the familiarity lies a hidden layer of panic and repulsion. Too deep to detect by human standards, but I see it. After all, I put it there…long back, on a stormy night. And in the end, it is this repulsion that gives me strength to continue.
I hold her gaze. "Bella, I love you. And it is only because of how much I love you that I did what I did. If you ever can, please try to forgive me." Deep breath and continue, "Isabella Swan, you are no longer obligated to me. From now and henceforth, you are free to be yourself. That night, on the bridge, my glamour on you…never happened. You never met me, and you live a life untainted by my evil. Forget me, but remember I always loved you." I kiss her one last time. "I'm sorry."
And before she can come out the trance, I am gone; back to the darkness and gloom, back to shadows where I become, once again a creature of nightmares. Or maybe I never changed, and it is because of that the shadows welcome me once again. It doesn't matter. All that matters is my Bella; that she will be free from these nightmares…
A/N: It's been years since my last piece of writing. Those of you who have read my work before, thank you for coming back for more. You have no idea how much it encourages. And to those who asked for continuation of Bet I Can, I, unfortunately, have to disappoint. I promise to try to finish it (which means I'll have to rewrite it), but I am making no guarantees.
And, finally, than you all for giving this story a chance. It is my first time writing mature themes. Tell me what you think ^_^