I own nothing!

This just a small drabble I wrote this past Christmas for ADF. It hasn't been beta'd and was just a short character study into Bella's mind during the holidays in NM.

It was cold and wet just like every other day in Forks, so it barely even registered to me that today was supposed to be something special. I heard the voices wish each other Happy something or other or Merry this or that but the words jumbled together and I couldn't make sense of them.

I was sitting in the living room watching the world pass me by, wondering why it kept moving even though it had ended long ago. Charlie was talking to me like he had taken to doing in the evening lately, saying something about dinner tomorrow. I reassured him that I'd cook, just like I did every other day. Wait, did he just say tomorrow was Christmas? Had it been that long? Three months?

I forced my feet to move into the kitchen and checked the calendar. He was right, it was December 24th. I guess time flies when you're miserable. This would have been our first Christmas together. I tried to stop that thought before it took root but couldn't. I could see is face, imagine the words that he would have said if only I had just been strong, beautiful, or even just a little more interesting.

I wasn't any of those things though, so I was here, alone barely hanging on to life while he was out there somewhere enjoying his distractions. Impossible, beautiful images flashed through my mind, the two of us under the mistletoe sharing our first Christmas kiss, sitting by the fire in their living room watching it snow, bundled up in his arms...Oh, Edward. I miss you.

Edward, oh just thinking his name was agony. I had tried so many times to lock it away deep within my mind where it could never escape but it refused to be silenced. His name whispered through my heart causing the seams of the hole he had left to rip just a bit further. The thought of his crooked smile was enough to have my battered lungs fighting for a single breath to ease the sting but I couldn't manage even that.

I managed to control my facial expression as to not let Charlie see the anguish I was in and bid him good night. It was beyond difficult but I held myself together long enough to make it into my room, where I collapsed on the bed and tries fruitlessly to fall asleep.

I laid there tossing and turning, praying for just a few moments of peace as fantastical images weaved themselves in with painful memories to make a tapestry of nightmares. Seeing the things I had once had but would never have again hurt much more that the musings of what could have been. Yet, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't crushed by the thought that Edward could be out there right now, celebrating Christmas with his next distraction.

And there it was, the misery I had been fighting since I heard the date. The mere thought of him out there somewhere, allowing someone else to fill the place that I had once occupied in his life had me gasping for breath. I wrapped my arms around my chest and pulled my feet up until I was curved into as tight a ball as possible, trying in vain to hold myself together.

It's not true. I told myself, he said he'd always love me. In a way...a voice in the back of my mind whispered. I couldn't argue with that. That was what he said the day the world stopped turning. But then again, he had said he was tired of pretending to be human, so maybe...maybe he was...Stop it! I couldn't let myself go down that path. There was no was way I could consider all of these 'what ifs' and still retain even a shred of my sanity.

I forced my mind to go blank as I laid there on my side rocking. I blocked out all thought, listening only to the shallow breaths and hollow sounding beat of my heart to willing them to soothe me back into the numb state that I was in before Charlie had spoken to me. It worked for the most part and I drifted off to sleep.

I awoke minutes or perhaps hours later. My nightmare was the same as always, a dark forest with nothing but trees and silence to keep me company. I blinked a few times to get accustomed to the darkness in my room as I sat up. I shuffled over to the window and looked out at the moonlit snow. My mind took a dangerous path then, wondering if it was snowing where He was. I refused to think his name again. I wouldn't allow myself that pain now. He liked the snow, they all did. I remember that day in the cafeteria. That is enough! I scolded myself mentally. Why was I torturing myself like this? Why couldn't I shut my mind off tonight?

I closed my eyes against the agony that came with admitting that I did know why I was feeling this way. This was the first Christmas I'd be away from Renee, I was missing her and...and Alice and all of the other members of the family that I had chosen. I had Charlie, I argued with myself. Guilt for how I was acting toward him tried to drag me down. I resolved to make at least Christmas reasonably happy for him.

I glanced at the clock and saw that it was just after one. I knew that I would need to be well rested if I was going to pull off a whole day of playing normal, so I hurried into the bathroom and took some cold medicine. I made my way back to my room to wait for the drowsiness to overtake me.

"Merry Christmas, Charlie." I whispered as I drifted into a dreamless sleep. I hope you like you present.