A Hundred-and-One Ways To Kill Edward Cullen
Welcome to all Anti-Twilight fans. This is another little story that will tide you over until another author writes a new not so epic battle between Twilight and an obviously better series. The name says it all. This is just for fun, so don't expect a masterpiece. Please review, otherwise Edward Cullen will live on. Anyway, sit back and enjoy...
1 – Bullseye!
Edward strolls across an open field and discovers a mask lying face down in the long grasses. He picks it up and without looking puts it on, just out of curiosity. He does not realise that a professional archer is hiding behind a tree on the outskirts of the field and that the mask is painted with a bullseye on his forehead.
The archer doesn't miss.
Edward loses a fraction of his small brain which is thrown out the back of his head, stuck to the tip of the arrow. He dies instantly while the archer cheers...And so does the rest of the world.
2 – Poetic Justice
Stephanie Myer reads over her books and realises that they are a god-awful piece of shit. In a fit of rage over her own mistake she goes on a rampage with a handgun she bought off of Ebay. She hunts down each cast member and shoots them. Edward is best saved last.
When Stephanie finds Edward she cackles insanely and glares at him with pin-prick sized pupils and bloodshot eyes. "I created you...So I can destroy you!"
BOOM!
3 – Rocky (Not the boxer...The hard thing on the ground)
Edward goes on a hiking trip with some teenaged fans, all of whom are girls who share one brain between the lot of them. One girl climbs ahead of her crush and accidentally kicks his hand, causing him to fall.
Edward plummets two metres but another girl catches his wrist and holds him up. The girl's eyes lighten up and her cheeks turn red. "Are you okay?" She asks nervously.
"Thank you...You saved my life...How could I ever repay you?" Edward whines in his effeminate voice.
The girl squeals excitedly and lifts both hands to her mouth as she giggles like the schoolgirl that she is. In doing so, she drops her hero who plummets a hundred metres down onto a solid rock face.
'Splat!' It takes one sad cleaner four hours to scrub the mess off of the cliff and when he is done he hates Edward Cullen even more...Just like me.
4 – Rocky II (Again, not Sylvester Stallone.)
Edward is sitting against a boulder outside a cave. He amasses a crowd of stupid fan girls who salivate over his pasty skin and weak expression.
A man with an obvious desire to do the world a favour grabs a chunk of loose rock and bludgeons Edward to death.
The fan girls get angry, but it seems that the death of their 'master' incidentally brings about their deaths as well. Each girl whines as she turns to sand, which unlike Edward has some use, e.g. cleaning vomit.
5 – Bet you never thought of that!
Edward is drugged and placed in a washing machine that has the spin cycle thing or whatever it's called. It is then filled with broken glass and said washing machine is then turned on. Think about it...It's not pretty, but neither is Edward (Especially after the first wash.)
6 – Just Desserts
Edward receives a letter from 'His biggest fan in the entire world!!' who asks him to go to his house for dinner. Edward reluctantly agrees and gets in a taxi, giving him the address. The driver remains silent throughout the ride, despite Edwards vain attempts at conversation which is always something like, "Have you seen Twilight?"
"Do you know who I am?"
"Do you like Twilight?"
The driver sighs in relief when he finally arrives at the address and the whiny pain in the ass gets out. Edward knocks on the door which opens at his touch. He proceeds inside while calling out to anyone who is home. He get's no answer and by the thirty second mark he is very much afraid. He turns back to the front door which is now closed.
Edward shakes with discomfort as a thin man with a murderous look in his eyes appears out of the kitchen.
"Hello! I've been expecting you!" The man shouts every sentence which makes things slightly more unnerving.
The man takes out a knife and proceeds over to Edward who curls up in a tiny ball and cries. Edward is thrown into a large makeshift pot which is made from a bathtub and scrap metal. Boiling hot water is poured in, then Edward. His skin melts away from the heat and the flesh underneath cooks lightly. The water is drained after ten minutes by which time Edward's muscle tissue has gone a light brown colour.
He is somehow still alive, but too weak to do anything as he is impaled on a large spike and put on a spit. As he is slow roasted for an hour, he whimpers like a wounded animal, except no-one cares for Edward in the way that people would care for an animal. When he is cooked to perfection he is then cut up in small pieces and served with HP sauce and some seasonings.
The cannibal takes a bite out of a nice chunk of leg but he spits it out distastefully and throws the meal in the bin.
7 – Nice Doggy
Edward goes to a pound for 'exotic animals'. Being a tool, he finds a wolf and suddenly he begins to cry. "He's so cute! I must have him!!" The lady in charge argues that he would need someone strong to take care of him but the sparkly moron insists he can handle the large hound.
The lady continues to argue but when a roll of cash is waved before her eyes she changes her mind and scurries off and locks herself in a steel-walled room that looks like a bomb shelter.
Edward finds the keys to the wolf's cage on the floor where the woman dropped them. He approaches the not-so-cuddly critter and whispers stupid things to it.
"I'm going to call you Cujo! Like the doggy from that movie. You know, the one that saves people!"
The wolf rolls its eyes as even it has a better knowledge of movie trivia than Edward does.
"Who's a cutie? Who's a cutie?" Edward recites like a parrot as he unlocks the cage and let's the beast out. He tickles the wolf as he chants the retarded mantra over and over again until he laughs and points to himself. "That's right! It's me!!" As Edward laughs, the Wolf loses patience and latches onto the bare patch between Edwards legs. Edward instinctively cries out in pain despite not feeling anything.
When the wolf realises there is no meat in Edwards crotch, he pounces and knocks the weakling over. His teeth latch onto Edward's throat and he cries for mercy as his carteroid artery is severed and spray paints the 'cute wittle puppy' in a fresh coat of red.
Just before he passes out Edward slaps himself in the forehead with a mangled hand. "Oh, it was Lassie I was thinking of! Silly me!"
Yes Edward. You are silly...In fact you are F**** retarded!!
8 – No Need For A Wake-Up-Call
Edward bribes his way into sleeping at a retirement home because the rent is cheaper than at his Hollywood home. An irate nurse slips enough sleeping pills into Edward's glass of water to bring down a bull elephant. Edward OD's on the sleeping pills and never wakes up again.
9 – Clumsy!
Edward tries to build a fence around his home to keep out the rabid fan girls who would hump his leg if they got the chance. Since he is too stingy to hire a contractor, he instead attempts to build it himself. He spends nine hours hammering in one post and he is too tired to continue, so he calls it quits for the day.
Two weeks later, when the posts are done it's time to put in the steel mesh. The rolls are too heavy for him to carry so he has to unroll it all the way to the fence and then roll it back up on the spot. The exhaustive process takes an hour and a half for each roll and by the end of it he is too tired again.
That night two fan girls are caught on the mesh, their hair is entwined and knotted around the little steel wires. Edward has them removed and decides to top off his fence with a string of barbed wire along the top. That should show those sneaky fans!
Edward returns to Aldi for the hundredth time and buys a roll of barbed wire.
When he returns home he takes out a step ladder and begins the laborious task of wrapping it around the posts and tying it in place. All goes well for a while until a crowd of fans attack his fence. They shake it frenziedly as they try to clamber up over the unbarbed areas. Edward clings on for dear life but he is flung into the fence. His head goes through a coil of barbed wire which tightens as the rest of the roll falls to the ground. Edward screams as he is slowly strangled and decapitated at the same time.
When he is definitely dead, the fans raid his corpse, stealing his walled and his head.
Edwards head is now an ornament on the mantelpiece in a nut job's living room.
10 – No, We Aren't Afraid
Edward takes a leisurely stroll down the street at night. He checks his watch and notices that the 'Vampire Diaries' is about to start. For those unfamiliar, it is a shitty TV show that's pretty much the same as Twilight. Edward takes a short cut through a dark alleyway and confronts a trio of drug addicts.
"Hi fella's!" He waves like an idiot and one of the druggies takes out a flick knife. Edward senses danger, but that doesn't mean he knows how to overcome it. He smiles arrogantly and walks up to them. "Are you afraid?"
"What?!" One of them asks angrily.
"I am a vampire." Edward whispers.
"So what, you gonna suck our blood or something?" The second addict asks.
"Well, no, I don't drink human blood...I'm a vegetarian." This provokes laughter amongst the druggies who fall over laughing. Edward uses this chance to escape, but a larger gang of addicts are waiting around the corner.
Edward is brutally beaten and mugged. As he rots in the alley, he is peed on daily by a stray dog.
Well, that's ten. stay tuned for more ways to kill an obscenely arrogant prick from a chick-flick vampire movie.
Please review and give me more inspiration. Any ideas are welcome, so give me praise or tips, it's all good.