First off I would like to thank ghost141 and skatergirl94 for being my test readers, and for their kind responses. Also, if you haven't read their stories yet, go do it. Seriously, they are the shizz.

I have to give props to Lara Cox. Her idea that Renee had been raped by Vlad is brilliant, and I do believe it to be true, so that does make an appearance in this story.

This is not your usual fan fiction. This is more a diary than a story. This is Renee's diary, and what I think was running through her head at certain times. Also, as this story goes on, it may or may not stick to what occurred in Day 8...I'm still working that out.

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Fox does :(

Reviews would be much appreciated :)

March 24th

It's been a very long day, but a good one. I've been working on finding a lead on a terrorist group that's being led by Tony Almeida. I think I may have found a way to find him. Jack Bauer and him worked together before CTU was disbanded. Apparently Bauer had been chased after by the Senate, and is supposed to appear in front of them tomorrow. I figure that if I can get to Bauer, and tell him that his so-called friend isn't dead, he can help us track him down. Janice thinks this is stupid, but I have a feeling it might work. As an added bonus, Bauer is...heh, really good looking. Ha, I can just imagine how Larry's gonna feel when he sees him. Ahhh, and trying to get Larry to sign off on this is going to be bitch. He's still a little bit bitter with what happened between us. I can't say I blame him...I did break his heart. Hmmmm, I guess I never really explained what happened between me and him did I diary? Where to start I wonder...

It was a year or two after my time undercover with the Russians. I was...damaged. Ha, damaged doesn't even begin to cover it. I was broken...and scared. I never really...told anyone what really happened that night when things went under with Vlad. Not even after the doctor suggested that I start a diary. I guess...I was...to scared to talk about it. I never even spoke to the therapist about everything, I just promised her that I would write it all down. Hmm, well I guess now is a good time as ever to keep that promise...

I know I told you about the assignment. To go undercover, so I could obtain information about Red Square and bring them to justice. It sounded so..easy at the time. Ha, back then I thought everything was easy. I was in the top of my class during the academy, and a recent Yale graduate. I was...cocky. I thought I had this mission in the bag, but Larry? He saw right through me, and knew I wasn't ready for this. He may have been the agent in charge, but he had orders to use me. I was the only one with the degree in Russian language and culture. Plus my looks added to that factor. I was the only chance they had of even getting close to the front door, and as much as Larry hated it, there was nothing he could do.

At first, things were going smoothly. Vladimir had taken a liking to me, but Lugo still didn't trust me. He thought I was a cop, and constantly bugged Vlad about me. Finally, I guess it was to shut Lugo up, Vlad had me...tested. I guess he believed that a cop would never have the balls to kill an innocent family.

What I'm about to tell you is something that I've kept to myself for a long, long time. There was a man that had ripped off Vlad in a deal. Of course, Vlad being the selfish basterd that he is wanted revenge. He had this guys family kidnapped and brought to him. I never even knew the guys name. All I remember was seeing him gagged and held up by Lugo and Ziya, while Vlad spoke to me. This guy's wife...and daughter were gagged and bound to a chair. The girl looked to be about five at the most...

I...I killed them. It kills me to say it...but I did. It was the only way to maintain my cover as Renee Zadan. I...I didn't even blink when I killed them, which took Lugo by surprise, but Vlad...he was thrilled. I was "his girl" as he like to put it, and now he didn't have to kill me.

It was that night that he...raped me. I know my file says that he only attempted to...but I had it changed. That basterd took me by surprise. That night is almost like a blurr to me. All I really remember was serving him and his associates drinks, and the next think I know, I'm on the ground. He raped me, and his...friends watched. They just effin sat there while he beat me, and...oh god. I cried like a baby the whole time.

When he was done, he left me there on the floor, while he left with the other guys for drinks. As if he hadn't already had enough. I remember the pain...and seeing blood, my damn blood. The worst part is, the son of a bitch didn't even wear a condom. Thank god he was clean...apparently I was the only girl he had ever went bare on. Awesome. Not.

I honestly don't remember how long I laid there. I remember hearing a door open, and feared that it was Vlad coming back to finish what he had started. I tried to open my eyes and saw Ziya standing over me with pity in his eyes. Ziya had always had a liking for me, but since I was Vlad's girl, he could do nothing.

It was Ziya that took me to the hospital. He dropped me off and left before anyone could question him. I would be dead if it wasn't for him. I had broken ribs, a broken arm...and god, I don't even remember what else. When I woke up, I begged the doctor to change my records. I would have died of shame if anyone knew what that...monster did to me. She was hesitant, (thank god I had a female doctor) but she understood. I asked her not as a patient, but woman-to-woman. The embarrassment would have killed me.

Ha, when Larry found out, he flipped out on me. He tried his hardest to pull me out of the mission, but the big bosses wouldn't have it. I had single handedly succeeded in infiltrating a highly regarded Russian cell. There was no way in hell they would give the approval to pull me out. I was their big break. So after a month in a half, I went back under. You should have seen the look on their faces when they saw me again. Vlad was pleased, of course.

After about a week or so I started feeling nauseous randomly. I started throwing up in the mornings, and certain foods just made me queasy. Now I know it sounds obvious to you, but at that time, I refused to accept the truth. To say that I may be pregnant meant that I would have had to come out and tell them that I was raped. I pushed the thought out of my mind, and threw myself into the mission completely. I did anything and everything I could to being Vlad down. I guess I was so intent on ruining his life that I didn't think things through completely. I bugged his hideout and coordinated a surveillance team. I was taking risks that could have killed me, but I didn't care. I wanted this basterd to go down.

I remember the night it all fell downhill like it was yesterday. Lugo came running in, ranting and raving about him seeing a surveillance van a few feet away from the restaurant. He started screaming about how it was all my fault, and how he always knew that I was a cop. Vlad...was furious. He had drank a full bottle of Absolut before this had started, and when Vlad was drunk...he did some stupid things. If I thought the day he raped me he beat me bad, I was wrong. This time he succeeded in not only breaking my ribs again, but my collarbone, my arm, and my leg. He also gave me a concussion. When he was done beating me, he left me to go cover his ass. Ha...the asshole had no idea that I was on comm the whole time.

How Vlad and Lugo got away amazes me. Ziya on the other hand stayed with me, and was arrested with me when the FBI raided. To this day Renee Zadan's record states that she was taken into custody after being released from the hospital. The only thing it neglects to mention is the miscarriage I had thanks to that asshole. Yup, the douche killed his own child. Not that I care. If I would have had that child...I think I would have killed myself. Now I know that's morbid, but sadly, it's true.

When I was cleared from the hospital a week later, I went home to hopefully get some well needed rest. Hospitals scare the shit out of me. The whole week there was...hell. I sat on my couch and just let my mind wander. I thought about everything I had went through, and suddenly it all hit me like a brick. I cried for..for everything. For the baby I lost, for blowing the mission for my stupidity, and for...Larry. I felt like I had failed him. I have no idea how long I sat there and cried. It may had been a few minutes..or even a few hours. I remember hearing a knocking at my door, and feeling embarrassed.

I knew that I looked like a mess, but something brought me to the door. I opened it..and Larry was there. I vaguely remember him being in a process of a divorce at that time. I went against my better judgement, and invited him in.

He said he came by to make sure I was ok, and to see if I needed anything. Before I knew it we had gone through two bottles of wine. Ha...I was a drunken mess that night, and so was he. We talked about his upcoming divorce, and the dumb asses that we worked with. We tried to avoid talking about the mission...but it was like it was the elephant in the room. We had to address it at one point.

At one moment we were talking, the next...we were all over eachother. All I remember from that moment is that I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to feel loved...and needed. I guess Larry took it as something else. The next day at the office he pulled me aside and told me that the papers were finalized and that he was officially a free man. He offered to come by again that night, and me, being the doof that I am said yes.

That night it was the same thing, we talked, we drank, we had sex. This routine continued for quite awhile until I realized that I was actually falling for him. Ha, I fell in love with my boss. It was dumb, it was stupid, and it was reckless. As dumb as it sounds, I really did love him. He was everything my father would have wanted for me, and I knew I should have been happy. He was going places, and being with him meant that I would be secure. About six months after we started dating he proposed. I said yes of course, but a small voice in my head panicked. I never told Larry about what had really gown down with the Russians. He had no idea about the horrible things I did to keep my cover. He knew I had nightmares, but he never pushed for me to tell him what they were about. He would just hold me while I cried.

The wedding was set for August 14th the following year. Larry came from a wealthy family as did I, so wedding costs wasn't an issue. The issue was my doubts. I loved Larry, but a nagging part of me kept pushing that I only loved him because he was there for me after everything that happened with Vlad. I hated pretending that everything was ok with him, when on the inside I was dreading the wedding. When I was a girl, I had always dreamed that my wedding day would be the happiest day of my life. I was so scared that I was marrying Larry for all the wrong reasons. I felt like such an ass. Larry was so...happy, and it broke my heart that I..didn't love him the way he thought I did. Hell, I didn't even realize that I didn't love him in that way until then.

I loved him...but the same way you would love a brother, or a best friend. I wasn't "in love" with him, and it broke my heart.

I broke the news to him the night of our rehearsal dinner. The look on his face killed me. I...felt like a complete douche. He told me is the thing that kills him the most is that he feels like "he's losing his best friend as well."

Larry never really got over me, and everyone knows it. It still kills me to know that I broke his heart like that, but...I moved on. Who knows, that Bauer guy is cute...but he does have a crazy rep. I read his file...man this guy has had it rough. He lost his wife to someone he thought he could trust. Who knows, we may just get along...or at least I hope so.

Wow...I wrote a hell of a lot more than I would. If my therapist could see me now, she would be proud. Ha. Well diary, I think it's time that I actually attempted to sleep. After working late these past couple of weeks to find a lead for this case, I can rest knowing that I may have caught a break. I feel like a dork for saying good night to a diary. Ha, whatever. Night diary.