It was not something he wanted. He never did. And it didn't get easier with time. It only got worse.
Cloudy day turned into a restless night. Walking only forward, never stopping. He can't stop. He mustn't. What used to be his goal, his guidance, turned into a sentence that haunted him everywhere. It didn't matter where he hid, in the end it always found him. He wanted to scream until he was out of breath, he wanted to run as fast as he could until he would drop down on the floor with legs not able to carry him anymore. He wanted to die. To end all of this. But even that one little simple task he couldn't do. Because of her.
It was the only thing that kept him alive for all this time. Her smile, her voice, her laugh, all of that was a source of willpower for him. When he was in the darkest place in his soul, when it felt he is going to be sucked in the darkness, forever forgoten, he thought of her and that kept him sane for the time being. It was as simple as that. He had no reason to live anymore. Now that the war is over, there are no more Akumas, no members of Noah family to fight with, no more Earl to continue the bloody massacre. He lived for Akumas, that is what he said back then training with Fou at the Asian branch. It was part of his life. Was. Is. What is the difference? He is mostly living with his mind in the past anyway.
„Allen-kun? Allen-kun!" He flinched and looked up. She was smiling at him with that half smile of hers, not sure what to do. He knew that it was his face that caused that. He couldn't control his facial expressions anymore. He was worn out too much. But still...
„Ah, sorry, I was just thinking of something. What is it, Lenalee?" The girl looked at him careful as if she could find something in his eyes, which made him squirm on the chair he was sitting on. What an unpleasant feeling.
„Nii-san wanted me to remind you that you have another apointment today. He still needs to check your arms' nerve sistem to make sure that you're okay." She saw how his eyes filled with fear and laughed.
„Don't worry. I specificaly ordered him not to use the drill. You should've seen him. He was so sad!" He made himself smiled. He has already forgotten how to do that without thinking.
„Uh, thank you, Lenalee. It's probably for the best if I go right away. Don't want Komui-san to change his mind last minute." She laughed again. It sounded like a bell's ring, quiet yet loud enough to scare the shadows that haunted him.
„Lenalee?" She stopped smiling as she saw his serious face.
„Yes?" He wanted to say so many things. But the word wouldn't come out of his mouth, they were stuck somewhere in his throat. The shadows came creeping back. He could feel them streching their cold finger, reaching closer and closer to him. Too much to take. The feeling of being swallowed by them was something he didn't want. What would happen to him after it? Would he still remember his friends faces? Would he even remeber that they exist? Lavi, Krory, Kanda, Bookman, Johny, Fou, Bak-san, Komui-san, all the people he met at the Headquaters, all the people he knew... Would he forget them all? Even Lenalee? No. That mustn't happen. He clenched his fist. Mustn't.
„Allen-kun? You okay?" He looked at her. Always so beautiful. For that he will live. She will be his new reason to exist. His goal, his guidance. His purpose.
„Ah, yes, I'm okay. Sorry. Well, then, I'll take my leave. See you." Lenalee tilted her head and nodded after few seconds of intense thinking. She seemed to be pleased but not completely. Just for the time being.
„Okay, see you. Oh, and Allen-kun?" He turned back.
„Yes?"
„If you feel like you need to talk to somebody, don't hesitate. You know I will always listed to you." Such an incredible person, he thought while approaching Komui-san's room. He smiled. Just like an angel.