So one day Harry Potter was totally higher than a kite. He sprawled on the Gryffindor house table, with pungent smoke curling from the spliff in his hand and a stupid smile on his face. His fellow Gryffindors, not wanting to disturb him, were just eating their food off of his body. A combination of this and the weed was making Harry extremely horny. He looked down the table and saw his friend Whoremione. "Oh Whoremione." he moaned, starting to fantasize about her. He got up and began to shake his groove thang in the middle of the Great Hall.
"Hey dick tits." came a voice from behind him. He turned around and saw Draco Milftoy. "Hit me up with some of that Slytherin green." "Fuck that shit." said Harry, who hated sharing his drugs. "See if Crabs or Gayle have any stuck under their moobs." "I can't," said Milftoy "Snape's got them tied up in his dungeon." He suddenly grabbed Whoremione and held a pair of crab-infested briefs to her face. "Hit me up, or she suffocates." he said evilly. Harry was upset with this predicament. "Okay," said Harry "I'll get you some." Thus began Harry's Marijuana Quest.
First he went to Snape's dungeon to see if Crabs and Gayle really did keep drugs under their flabby sacks of chest baggage. He walked in to find Snape wearing a leather dominatrix outfit, with a whip protruding from the end of his wand. His other wand was tenting his g-string. Crabs and Gayle were tied up on the floor with apples in their mouths. They were both bleeding from their ass cheeks. Harry screamed. Snape turned his mascara-covered eyes towards him. "Aaaah, it seems I have a new slave." he said evilly, his high heels clacking as he crossed the room. "Yes, you're a sexy little bitch like your father. You'll do nicely." He turned around to get another apple. Quickly, Harry pulled Ron's metal dildo from his ass and threw it at Snape. It hit him on the back of the head and fell to the floor, slippery with blood and grease. Snape fell into the apple bowl and his penis shrivelled up. Harry lifted up Crabs and Gayle's moobs to see if there were drugs underneath, but there weren't, so he simply gave them titty twisters and ran away.
His next stop was Shagrid's hut. Shagrid was in his garden, tending to his marijuana plants. "Hi Shagrid," said Harry, inserting the metal dildo which he'd used to knock Snape out back into his anus. "Iya 'arry." said Shagrid, "Nice ter see yer lad." "I have no idea what the fuck you're saying," said Harry, "I was just wondering if your weed was ready." "Na' fer a month ye'." replied Shagrid in his speech impediment voice. "Fuck this shit." said Harry. He walked into the Forbidden Forest to check Shagrid's secret hiding place, and promptly threw up all over himself. Dolores Umbridge and Firenze were doing it doggy-style (or should I say, pony-style) in the corner. "Oh, Mr Potter." she giggled. "Meet my little pony, Firenze." She ripped off her top, revealing her saggy crusty tits, and temporarily blinded him for life. Harry, Shagrid, and all of the other centaurs were hurling and shitting their pants.
His last resort was the emo caretaker, Argus Filth, who was making out with Harry's Squib neighbour Mrs Frigg when Harry entered his office. Mr Tibbles was recording it. "Um, hi," said Harry. "I'm going to pretend that this isn't awkward and ask for some of your weed." "How much are you going to pay me?" asked Filth grumpily. "Well I don't have any cash on me, but I know how you're freakily obsessed with chains and shackles, and I thought you'd like these." said Harry, holding out a pair of fluffy leopard-print handcuffs that he'd borrowed from Neville Schlongbottom. Filth gladly accepted, and allowed Harry to rummage through his filing cabinets. "Let's see here... J, K, L, M. Meth, morphine... marijuana. Thanks Filth!"
His pockets heavy with weed, Harry set off towards the Great Hall to save his love Whoremione from certain doom. On his way there, he ran into Hornelius Fuck, the Minister of Magic. "Why hello there Harry!" he said pleasantly. "Hello Minster," said Harry, trying not to act suspicious. "What are you doing here sir?" "I'm here to... ahem, pay a debt to Nearly Headless Dick." Fuck looked at Harry's pockets, wondering if he could mooch a condom, and noticed his bulge. A smile grew on his face and in his pants. "Hey, Harry," he said, "Do you keep your wand in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" Harry looked down and noticed just how much his crotch area was protruding. He looked back up and screamed. Fuck had ripped off his robes and was rubbing his fat nipples. "You know you want it, Harry. Don't try and refuse it." Fuck was saying in a seductive voice.
"What the wizard hell is going on here?" demanded Fumbledore, exiting the Great Hall to find Fuck with no clothes on, grinding up against Harry who had thrown up all over himself. "Fumbledore," said Fuck embarrassed, grabbing some whipped cream to cover himself up. "I was just showing this dear boy how to get rid of that nasty lump in his pants." "No need, Hornelius," said Fumbledore, "I'll take care of it." He reached out to grab Harry's pre-pubescent dick, and grabbed the bag of weed instead. "What the fuck is this?" yelled Fumbledore and Fuck in unison. "Come with me young man, right now."
Harry spent the rest of his life in Azkaban for drug possession. He was accidentally killed by Sirius Fack, who always humped him too hard doggy-style. Milftoy decided to spare Whoremione, and they unexpectedly eloped. Unfortunately, Milftoy overdosed on crack and died. Hornelius Fuck paid his debt to Nearly Headless Dick, and spent the rest of his life in the crazy ward at St Mungo's after what he'd seen and done. Firenze cheated on Umbridge with Ronan. And no-one lived happily ever after.