I wrote this because I always felt that Louisa May Alcott was hinting about the fact that Nat preferred men to women, without being able to explicitly say so. There were always many hints that Nat was effeminant, such as the fact that Jo secretly called him "her daughter" to her husband or that Meg thought that he was "not man enough" for her daughter. In the Victorian times men having relationships with other men was simply considered something that was done, not who the man was. This is what their future might have looked like had Nat and Daisy started a family...
His symphony was playing their last concert before the holiday break. Nat sat proudly on stage, the first chair violinist. He watched his conductor, Matthew Hanz, and played his best for him, knowing how the man depended on his faithful violinist to play for him.
In the audience was Teddy, Amy, and Bess. They would see him home after. Those kind people always took on as much of the burden from Nat as possible.
Bess was 26 now. A woman in her own right. Her parents couldn't part from her, and Bess understood this. She played the part of a high society woman, but never seriously considered any of her many suitors. She had quietly had a child several years ago. An artist who she had met in Europe. The child lived comfortable, with both mother and grandparents doting on her. They made a pretty picture. Teddy never missed a performance of Nat's, and they lived more in their Boston residence then in their own home during the season.
After Nat braced himself for the reception. He would do his best for his people, as he always did. He would put on a brave face and play the part of Teddy's protege, now a mildly successful concert violinist. He would never be great, but Nat didn't want that kind of notoriety or scrutiny. The symphony's living was enough for him.
He made the rounds with Teddy and Amy as usual. He allowed them to re-introduce him to people who he had been introduced to dozens of times but who never seemed to remember him. This was Nat's best asset, to be both pleasant but utterly unremarkable, not worth thinking of from one moment to the next.
He waited patiently, spending hours making idle chit chat. Finally it was over though and Nat could breath again. He went backstage to take off his performance suit and change into the casual dress of trowsers and a shirt and tie and put on his old jacket to make his way to the lounge that his Hanz was a regular.
He made his way down the several blocks to the small, unmarked lounge and was finally able to relax. There was his Hanz at his usual table with his usual group of older men around him. Intellectuals and artists all of them. They expected little of Nat, Hanz's boy.
Hanz was a big man with a powerful voice and a strict exterior. He reminded Nat of his dear professor. It still amazed him how his people had so completely understood him when they found Nat this placement.
Nat nestled in as always next to Hanz. The big man put a casual but proprietary arm around Nat, and Nat felt safe again. The waitress brought him his usual beer and tonic. She knew that Hanz would be taking care of his bill as always. Hanz kissed his blonde hair affectionately. Nat listened to them talk about politics and the events of the day. He knew enough to follow the conversation but had little to contribute to it.
This would be their last night together for several weeks. Then it was back to finish out the season, followed by a European tour over the summer. Nat lived for those summers when he and Hanz could most freely be together, away from the careful eyes of his family who watched him. They would not tolerate any type of scandal. More than once his dear professor had pulled him aside to talk to him frankly about his affair, telling him as they wandered the gardens that discretion was paramount.
They drank. Hanz grew more drunk. He was angry every time Nat had to leave him for his family and would often punish Nat for this. Nat knew it was only because he loved him so much.
The night wore on. His friends went home. Hanz took Nat to the room that he often rented upstairs. It was the only place that they could meet without the threat of someone walking in on them. Nat undressed and laid on the bed, naked and exposed, waiting for whatever was coming next.
"You are a coward," Hanz scoffed as he slowly undressed, keeping his big leather belt in his hand. "An embarrassment. You know what I must do."
"Yes," Nat agreed, trying not to show that he still feared the belt after all of these years.
Nat turned over and let the big man whip him until he thought he couldn't take it anymore. Then the feeling of penetration and release. Nat felt him then relax and lay down next to Nat, pulling Nat into himself. There would be no release for Nat tonight. Nat understood that this was part of his punishment and didn't complain. He felt small and safe with his big bear of a man around him.
Hanz played with his hair, kissing him gently as Nat fell peacefully asleep in his arms.
When Nat awoke the next morning Hanz was already gone. There was an envelope on the dresser as there often was. A little extra money for him. He knew that all of Nat's salary went back home for pay for the care and expense of his household. His sweet wife Daisy and their four children.
Nat counted it. 40 pounds, enough for the small personal expenses that Nat would have but not enough for Nat to get into any real trouble with. Nat had never minded being poor and dependent. He knew of course that it pained Hanz to see Nat wearing his old clothes until they were rags when he paid him a very decent salary, but he knew that their life together depended on his wife and her happiness.
Nat made his way to Teddy's large town house. They were having breakfast when he arrived. Nat joined them and the servers his ham and eggs. Nat ate the eggs but only picked at the ham. Anything so rich in the morning rarely agreed with him. He drank coffee and listened to the details of their trip back to Plumfield.
"Rough night Nat?" Bess asked him mischeiviously.
"I had too much to drink and got a room for the night," Nat answered, as truthfully as he could.
"Let's get you home," Teddy said kindly. "It looks like you could use a few home cooked meals."
"Yes sir," Nat agreed, giving him a grateful look.
The train ride back to Plumfield passed without incident. Teddy's servants has already packed Nat's clothing, which was the only personal item besides his violin that he kept at their townhouse. It was their little respite from parties when they were in town. While Amy and Bess spent their afternoons answering and taking callers, their evening in the house were often quiet.
Nat knew that the holidays would be in full swing at Plumfield College. He knew that he would be expected to accompany Daisy to and endless amount of dinner parties and balls.
Their house sat in the more fashionable part of the campus, next to Demi's house. The houses had started as mirrors of each other, but each had taken on their own character over time.
Demi's house dominated the property now. As he gained notoriety as a publisher the house that had started as modest had expanded. First a second wing for guests and larger servant's quarters, then a larger sitting room and sun rooms that overlooked their expansive gardens. Then a workshop on the property for Demi, who still loved to tinker and was facinated by the automobile.
Daisy and Nat's house has remained untouched over the years. Nat was rather embarrassed of the fact that he clearly needed repainting. It was something that he would need to discuss the Daisy about budgeting for this spring. But it was a charming little house. Daisy called it a cottage. Nat failed to see how a six bedroom home with two servant's quarters could be considered a cottage, but kept this opinion to himself. He was proud of the house and the life that he had given dear Daisy, he best and oldest friend.
They had four children together. Nathaniel, who was 12, Kate, 10, Violet, 7, and little Matthew, who was 5. After Matthew Daisy had had several miscarriages and it was decided by her doctor Nan that trying for more was too dangerous for her health. Nat suspected that something had gone wrong during Matthew's birth. They were both rather relieved, despite the fact that Daisy always said she wanted at least six children. After that they were able to give up the utilitarian sex that they had always had in order to produce children and fall back into what they had always had, a tender and real friendship.
While Nat had remained thin as he had aged Daisy had grown plump, and then plumper. She was round and jolly though, busy with the care of their children. The girl's were her constant companions.
Nathaniel, or Nate as they called him, had been given over to Demi and Anne to raise early. They had their son Jack who was Nate's age, and the two were more like brothers than cousins. Neither boy was looking forward to the date in a few years when the pair would be given to Nat for a summer of culture in Europe to help finish them off before entering university. Nat only hoped that Demi would clear his schedule when the time came to join them on this trip. Their rough play and noise disturbed quiet Nat.
The girls were easier for Nat. Nat would play for them at their tea parties and pretend balls. They would spend long happy afternoons this way, with their gentle mama looking on approvingly and guiding them on their etiquette or a dance step here or there, little Matthew still always at her side.
"Papa," Kate and Violet said in unison as Nate walked into the house. They came over to give him hugs, delighted to see him.
"Will you play for us Papa?" Kate asked.
"Please," Violet said.
This happy scene was interrupted by Amy and Bess entering into the house, quieting the girls. Teddy had gone on next door to say hello to Demi and Anne.
Their mama had obviously been in the middle of working on their wardrobes for the upcoming parties. The front room was a mess of fabrics, shoes, and dress figures. Daisy appeared from where she had been in the back of the house, her hair down and her half pinned into a pink gown.
"Bess," she said affectionately, giving her cousin a hug. They made a great contrast. One short and round and brunette while the other was tall, thin, and blonde.
"Daisy," Bess said. "I see you didn't bother cleaning up to receive your husband. And after such a long absence too."
"We just have so much to do to get ready for the season," Daisy answered, blushing at the slight reprimand from the young women.
"You could make an effort though dear," her aunt said kindly. "Here poor Nat is, playing his fingers raw to afford a new wardrobe to fit his little Daisy."
"I'm making this dress over from last season," Daisy said. "And the girls must have new things. Their cousins always have such darling dresses."
"Well, there is no shame in living within your means," Amy said as she floated further into the house.
Nat put his arm around his wife, careful not to pinch any of the pins. His little Daisy, looking so hot and flustered.
"It's good to be home," Nat told her quietly.
"It's good to have you," Daisy replied, blushing.
"I wouldn't want to impose on you for tea," Bess said, narrowing her eyes. "I see you two have a lot to catch up on. We'll just run next door."
"We were about to sit down to tea, you are welcome to join us," Daisy said.
"Let's have tea in the garden," Nat offered. "Make it a proper tea party."
"A tea party," Violet squealed in delight.
Bess looked vaguely intrigued.
"Yes, a tea party," Daisy agreed. "Just let me change. I'll only be a few minutes. I'll let the servants know where to serve us."
Daisy disappeared again to the back of the house. Nat smiled down at his small children.
"Well, shall we?" he asked him as he hung up his coat, leaving him in just the button down shirt and trowsers that were held up with suspenders that he had been wearing.
"Can we be a France?" Kate sighed happily.
"Anywhere in the world that you would like my dear," Nat agreed, giving his oldest daughter his arm.
He led them all outside and played them the simple French music that he had often heard from street musicians there as they ate, joining them occasionally for some tea or a cookie. The boys wandered over from the ajacent garden where they had been playing and Teddy appeared with Anne and Demi, who had come home for afternoon tea and a rest before going back to work.
They all sat and talked quietly and easily together. Nat loved them more for being so connected. Daisy looked to Demi for all things, and he obviously adored her as well. Anne for her part seemed to feel no jealousy of their close twin relationships and talked excitedly to everyone about the dinner party at Teddy's that night to welcome Nat home.
"We have been in the middle of building a tree fort for weeks," Demi said to Nat as he took a break and picked sweet treats off of his wife's plate. "I'm sure the boys would appreciate the help before they go back to their German lessons."
The boys groaned at the idea of having to back to their lessons.
"I'm sure they would appreciate the help with both, you do speak perfect German," Demi said, giving Nat a serious look that obviously said that he needed to spend some time with his oldest boy.
"Of course," Nat said, looking directly at his son and asking him in German, 'how are your lessons coming'.
Nate rolled his eyes at him. Matthew copied the gesture.
"Fein," the boy replied. "I don't need your help."
"Mit der Festung oder Ihren Unterricht?" Nat as him in German, with your fort or with your lesson?
"Neither okay," Nate said defensively. "Just stay with the girls."
He got up and Johnny, Demi's oldest boy, shrugged apologetically and followed him.
"He's at that age when he needs a strong male role model," Bess observed, more to herself than to anyone in particular.
"He has more than enough of those I'm sure," Nate said, winking at Demi. "Now then Amy, you're the guest of honor, what would you like to here."
"I'm happy to be in France my dear," Amy answered.
"The children are getting cold," Daisy said fretfully. "This was a silly idea to eat outside in December. I wish you would have thought before promising them a picnic."
"Let them dance, they'll warm up soon enough," Nat said cheerfully.
"Nat," Daisy said, touching his long fingered, calloused hand with her own small, plump, smooth one.
"Okay, indoors it is," Nat said, giving her a kiss on the cheek. "Can I help you clean up?"
"The servants will clean up, that is what they are paid to do," Daisy said to him. He could never remember that they had expanded to having two full time girls to do such tasks a few years ago.
"Yes, of course," Nat said.
"The boys could probably use some help," Anne offered as Demi excused himself and Amy, Teddy, and Bess said that they really did need to get back to get ready for tonight.
"Aye," Nat agreed, sighing as he gave each one of this younger children a kiss. "I suppose they do."
Nat found the boys working on a tree fort in Demi's back yard. He helped lift boards up to them for about an hour as they talked among themselves for about an hour before he told them to go finish their lesson. It would be time to get ready for dinner soon.
"Do I have to go?" Nate asked.
"Of course you must," Nat answered in as stern of a voice as he could muster. "Your great aunt and uncle expect it."
"It's just so embarrassing," Nate said. Nat tried to not mind that this was the second time in less than 24 hours that he had been told that he embarrasses someone.
"What is my son?" Nat asked.
"You know," Nate said bashfully.
"No, I don't," Nat said.
"All the other Papa's will be talking about business or whatever and they'll all be real nice to you because you're an artist," Nate answered.
"You're ashamed that I am not in business?" Nat asked him. "I use my skills to make an honest living. That is never something to be ashamed of."
"Yes Papa," Nate said, rolling his big eyes again. They were brown and hard. Nothing like Nat's own blue ones. The boy was only just turned 12, but already almost as tall as Nat and broader. It occurred to Nat that in a fair fight his son would most likely win.
"Yes Uncle Nat," Johnny agreed.
Nat went home to rest in his chair near the fire and warm his hands, little Matthew dozing in the chair next to him. The girls were all in an uproar getting ready. Daisy nearly in tears because the dress she had planned to wear wouldn't be ready in time and she would have to wear the same dress that she had worn the week before.
"You look wonderful in anything," Nat assured her.
"I suppose I might as well look the part of the poor musician's wife," Daisy sniffed. "I had it all planned, really Nat."
"There will be other events," Nat assured her as she sat down in the chair near him.
They held hands for a moment, just taking mutual comfort from each other before having to face the evening that was to come.
"I'm glad that you're home," Daisy told him.
"So am I," Nat assured him. "This time wasn't so long though. Only a month to practice and then another to open the season. And I should be able to come home for at least a few days a week when the season starts properly."
"If it's only for a few days it may be better that you stay in town," Daisy said kindly. "It upsets the children, especially Matthew, when you're here and then gone again so quickly."
"Yes, of course," Nat said.
"The season is only a few months, and we have you until January," Daisy said, smiling at him. Her best friend. "Now tell me really, how do I look?"
Daisy was in a white dress with blue trim. She looked wonderful in that soft, maternal way that she had.
"Lovely," Nat assured her.
"I knew you would think so," Daisy told him. "You should really go get ready yourself."
"In a few minutes," Nat said, touching Matthew's head with his free hand. "Just give me a few minutes more."
"As long as you want," Daisy assured him.
They made a fine looking family. Nat knew this as they made their way into the mansion. The children scattered as soon as they came in, familiar with the big house. Daisy walked along on his arm, his blue bow tie matching the trim in her dress.
All their old friends were around. Tommy and his wife Leslie, Demi and Anne, Jack and his wife Hannah, Nan and Bess rounding out the numbers. Jo and Meg were out of town for the winter, they preferred Europe over the winter now, could afford it, and had no ties to hold them back. Nat didn't like to think about that his Professor Bhar had passed now. Nat never was able to express to him how much he had loved the man. He was Nat's first love, his first idea of what a strong man could be. He blushed slightly now to think of how his childish expressions of love had always been so easily dismissed, but understood that it was for the best. He knew that Nat needed to fit into polite society if he were ever going to make something of himself.
And Nat had. He had tried not to be hurt the first time Professor Bhar had sent him abroad. Sent him away from him. Nat had thought that it was because the man didn't love him. He understood now that it had been because he had. Nat had needed the story of how he had flirted with women in Europe and come back to his Daisy to make the story of their life together more believable. He understood how Nat was, even before Nat understood himself.
They had dinner and then separated. The women to the parlor. The men to the smoking room. Nat had always hated the smoking room. The smoke made him cough and he never smoked cigars himself. He accepted an after dinner drink though and sat quietly next to Tommy who comfortably did enough talking for both of them. It was like they were kids again, with Tommy making sure that Nat was comfortable and had enough to drink between his long winded stories. He often rested his hand on Nat's knee or shoulder, and Nat had to remember that these were only the familiar gestures of a friend who had grown up with him.
The boys, Nate and Johnny, joined them at the end of the night. Demi offered them a cigar and Nat protested that it wasn't good for a boy that young to smoke, but they pretended not to here him. Demi proudly bragged about the accomplishments of the boys as they beamed.
He has a father, Nat thought. It's good, he reminded himself. He couldn't think of a better man than Demi to be looking out for his boy.
"Someday I'm going to be a newspaper man," Nate bragged. "Just like Uncle Demi was once. He even says I can start selling them and making a little extra money in a year or two."
"It's good for a boy to be independent," Demi said approvingly. "A little life experience before you go take in the sights."
"A whole summer of sight seeing," Nate said, rolling his eyes. "Men have more important things to do with their time. Even Papa works the entire time he's there."
Nat heard the disdain in his voice. Even Papa works.
"It is just what you boys needs before you settle down to your studies," Demi said.
"Old Chirper here was a regular Italian when I visited him," Tommy put in, giving Nat an approving pat on the back, which made Nat cough.
"Excuse me, I need some air," Nat said quietly.
"Would you like someone to go fan you too?" Jack teased.
"I'll be quite alright," Nat said, coughing again.
Tommy helped him up, concern in his honest brown eyes.
"Come old friend, I'll give you a lift if needed," Tommy said, smiling at him.
Nat could see Nate and Johnny exchanging looks. Nat knew what Nate was thinking. Not even manly enough to have a smoke.
They went to go sit outside while Tommy continued to fill him in on everything that had happened the last few months while he was away. Nan and Daisy joined them in the alcove by the open window. For a moment it felt like old times, like when they were children. Daisy smiled at him as she sat primly next to him, his hand in hers.
The party reconvened in the drawing room where card tables had been set up. Nat wished that they could just go home and go to bed, he didn't know why a dinner party needed to last until 1 or 2 in the morning. He joined his wife to be her partner in bridge though, accepting the water that had been discretely ordered for him, Nat chatted with Daisy. He tried not to feel foolish about the fact that the other men were drinking heavy brown liquid, probably bourbon, while the women sipped their vodka tonics.
Finally it was time to go back to their home. Nat was grateful to get back to their own comfortable home. He went to his bedroom, knowing that Daisy wouldn't be coming to his door tonight or any other night. They blamed it on the risk of a pregnancy of course. The only way to not have one was to abstain, and they certainly were not animals. He also knew that she would have one or two of the children in bed with her.
Nat wished as he lay there alone that he was back in Hanz's big arms. Only a few weeks, he reminded himself. A few weeks of being trotted out with Daisy on his arm before he could go back to his real life.
It was New Years and Nat was proud of the fact that they had managed to get through a month of dinner engagements almost every night without incident. Courteous as always, their hosts always planned for Nat's delicate constitution, something that Nat knew embarrassed Daisy and the children to no ends. But he hoped he made up for it by playing his best for them whenever he was called upon.
"We need to sit down and talk about the budget for next year," Nat told Daisy that afternoon when they were having tea as a family. "I'll make an appointment with the accountant before I leave."
"Demi will take care of that," Daisy answered. "He is the only who helps me with the household budget."
"There are some repairs that are needed," Nat said. "The house needs repainted and the drapes should be redone. You need to plan for these things Daisy."
"I am aware of our financial situation," Daisy said tightly.
"I can get a job," Nate offered. "I hate school anyway. I could so sell newspapers or something. Start from the ground up."
"I work so that you can have that education, you aren't to throw away opportunities," Nat said. "You'll end up as dumb as your Mama and Papa."
"My Papa went to a prestigious college and got finished off by some of the finest musicians in the world," Nate said, looking directly at him. "If you haven't made the most of what has been offered to you I don't see why I should have to."
"I made a fine living," Nat said. "More than enough to pay for some new drapes. Maybe you could even make some my Daisy love. You always liked projects like that."
"Like you said, we are perfectly capable of affording new ones," Daisy said. "I am rather fond of the ones we have at the moment."
"Get them sent out to get freshened then," Nat said, kissing her hand. "Don't be mad at me my love."
"I'm not mad," Daisy said, although she clearly was. "I just don't like it when you come in and do this."
"What my Daisy?" Nat asked.
"Pretend like this is home," Daisy answered cooly.
The kids were silent after that. Nat waited for them to scatter before daring to talk to his wife.
"This is my home Daisy," Nat said. "Like it or not I am the one who pays for this house. I get some say in how my salary is spent."
"Agreed, do whatever you want," Daisy said.
"You spend it like it is nothing," Nat said. "I have to live off of Teddy's charity in town. I promised myself that I would never take from him again Daisy. You know that."
"Well then maybe you shouldn't be at Uncle Teddy's," Daisy said.
"We can't afford a second apartment," Nat said. "Not unless you would be willing to cut the staff in half. What is it exactly that all these people do all day in this house? What is it that you do?"
"It is not cheap to maintain a comfortable lifestyle," Daisy answered. "What, do you want me in there cooking all day. Up at five in the morning to bake our daily bread. Is that what you want me to be, a cook that takes order from our housekeeper? What would the neighbors say?"
"Nothing, because our neighbor is your brother," Nat answered.
"And he takes on being the man for two households without complaint," Daisy said. "He says nothing while you laze about playing with the girls all day when you bother to come home at all. What kind of man acts in such a way? Having tea parties and putting on plays with the girls? And yet he says nothing about it. Not a word."
"Get the house painted Daisy," Nat said, leaving the table.
That afternoon he watched his children build a snow fort in the yard. The boys were having a rowdy snowball fight and the girls were helping them, supplying them with freshly packed snowballs. It was just the type of play that he had shied away from as a child, preferring to stay inside and read or play his violin where it was comfortable and warm. Tommy and Demi had wandered over from Demi's house and had joined in on the fun. Daisy was getting hot chocolate ready for everyone inside, ready to warm cold hands and make sure boots were tucked away neatly.
"Come on Nat," Tommy said, coming over to the porch to sit with him. "Come play. We're all taking a little Holiday."
"I would rather not," Nat answered, wrapping his worn coat around him tighter.
"We should take a trip into town, get you something new before the season starts," Tommy offered kindly. "My treat for Christmas, something to keep you warm through the new year."
"I have money tucked away for the purchase but would appreciate the company," Nat said.
"Very good," Tommy said, beaming his genuine smile at him. "You're a lucky man Nat Blake. Your children are all strong, healthy. Your wife as well."
Nat knew that Tommy's own wife's health had always been poor at best. They hadn't been able to have children of their own.
"Come on, it would mean a lot to them, especially Nate," Tommy said.
"No, really, I would only humiliate him," Nat said. He had never been one to be able to throw a ball.
"Fair enough," Tommy said jovially. "Tomorrow though. You and I, bashing around Boston. I'll see you back to Laurie's."
So it had been decided when my time here was going to end, Nat thought. Nice of someone to tell me.
The children grew tired and came in to be fussed over and warmed up by Daisy. The men joined to get their share of motherly care. Nat sat by the fire and watched them as Demi told the children some story, his mug always filled and a warm blanket tucked around him to warm him. His daughters at his feet and his youngest son tucked beside him. He idly ran his fingers through their hair as he listened.
"Now you tell one Papa," Nate said, looking up at him from where he sat on the floor. Giving him a chance to show that he could do something.
"I'm not a story teller," Nat told his son.
"I prefer a quiet person," Daisy put on, giving him her most warm, motherly look.
Tommy, as if on cue, launched into another one. Nate gave him a look of disappointment.
The New Years Ball was a thing of beauty. Nat either played or danced with his wife. She blushed at the attention, and Nat knew that she was self concious of her round figure. She looked just as lovely as anyone else to Nat though.
After a few hours Nat went out to the patio to get some fresh air. A young musician followed him out. A pretty boy who Nat knew was one of the music students at the university.
"Nice night," he said.
"Very," Nat agreed.
"Would you like to show me around Boston?" the boy asked.
Nat looked at him, surprised.
"I just thought, you would be going back soon," the boy said. "Maybe you would like some company. In Boston that is."
"Yes, call on me when I'm there," Nat said. "I'll be at the Lawrence townhome."
"That would be great," the boy said nervously. "I think you're great, you know. Really great."
"Thankyou," Nat said.
"We could have a nice time together," the boy said, moving a little closer. "I'm cold, would you mind warming me a bit?"
"Maybe you should go back inside," Nat said.
"It's such a nice night," the boy said. "Being here with you I mean, it's nice."
"Very well," Nat said, putting his arm around the boy. The boy gratefully moved in closer, and Nat could feel the heat from his young body. They stood like that for a long time, looking up at the stars while the boy told Nat about himself. How he wanted to be a musician like Nat. His name was Carter.
"I am staying in my dorm for this party," Carter said, blushing now. "We could go see it. Just the two of us."
"I need to get back to my wife," Nat said.
"It wouldn't take long," Carter said, his voice full of hope.
"I'm a very faithful man," Nat said.
"To your wife?" Carter asked, giving him a scrupulous look.
"No, to someone else," Nat answered, kissing Carter tenderly on the head. "Someone I care very much about."
"We could still go see my dorn," Carter offered, turning slightly and looking up at Nat. Nat liked that the kid was smaller than him and slightly built. So different from anything he was used to having in his arms besides his children.
"Not tonight," Nat told him as Carter put his arms around him. They stood there, swaying together to the music that was playing inside.
They were like that when Daisy and Demi came out, arm in arm. There twin eyes both widened.
"We were coming to fetch you," Daisy said, hurt in her voice. "I see that you are occupied though."
"Carter only wanted to enjoy the air and needed warming up, come here my darling," Nat said as Carter detached himself.
"You could conduct yourself with a little more discrecion," Daisy snapped at him. "Demi, would you please see me home. I suddenly don't feel well."
"We can go home Daisy," Nat said quietly.
"Don't you even think about coming home tonight," Daisy spat at him. "Just go back to Boston. It's just as well. School will be starting again soon for the children. It's bad enough that Nate gets teased, I don't want the younger children to suspect anything."
"Nate gets teased?" Nat asked.
Daisy rolled her eyes in that way that was so like his oldest son. "He has friends in Boston Nat, it's not that far away," Daisy said. "He wants more than anything to be a real man. To show everyone that he is nothing like his father."
"Daisy, that's enough," Demi said. "I'll get Anne and we'll take you home."
"I don't want to see you tonight," Daisy said sternly. "You can come by in the morning to say goodbye to the children."
"Very well," Nat said.
They disappeared back into the house. Carter was still there, looking hopeful.
"I'm sleeping here," Nat told him kindly. "I would love to show you Boston some time though. Maybe get you seats to a show."
"I would like that," Carter said.
Nat went back to holding him, not because he wanted the boy, but because he reminded him of his own son. They spent the rest of the ball that way, not quite dancing. Nat knew it would be a scandal. Two men, out there alone, holding each other. But only the other students knew Carter, and Nat knew that his host had already made his excuses for Nat. Nat wasn't here, or was upstairs, so no one was going to come looking for him.
As the guests cleared out Carter made one more pitch for them going back to his dorm for the night. Nat shook his head and the boy went on his way. Teddy joined him as he came back into the house.
"I told everyone that you know how artistic types are, very European," Teddy told him kindly. "You really should have been more attached to your wife this evening Nat."
"I know, it's just," Nat said, not being able to quite find the words. "Sometimes it's so easy with Daisy, when it's just me and her and the kids. But then she goes and makes it hard all over again."
"That my son is marriage," Teddy said.
Nat smiled, knowing Teddy helped. He never thought about it when he was a child. How Mr. Lawerance had never seemed romantically attached to his wife. He had married one of the girls next door as he always knew he would. He had thought it would have been Jo, they would have had more fun together. But Amy grew to be the better companion. He was satisfied with his choice. More than satisfied.
Nat had learned from him how to smile in public. How to hold out your arm for your wife. How to be in the company of other men and still appear to be the dutiful husband. No one needs to know, Teddy had told him on his wedding day. Nat hadn't understood what he was talking about at the time. It was only after meeting Hanz that he understood what all of his doting and affection toward Mr. Behr really meant. He had been with the old man when he had died, holding his hand while Mrs. Behr held the other.
Amy and Bess of course were often engaged in Boston. But the home had never been a refuge for Nat. That was Teddy's spot to have over his men, to just relax and be himself in the company of others who he had real feeling for. It was why Amy couldn't lose Bess, her only real companion.
"Go to sleep Nat, you'll feel better in the morning," Teddy told him. "Hanz is missing you. He and I ran into each other last week and he wanted to know everything about you. See your family in the morning and then get back to work."
"Yes Teddy," Nat said, using the name that Mr. Lawrance insisted that he use for him now that he was grown and they were friends.
Nat came home in the morning. The family was eating as usual. To Nat it seemed like all they ever did was eat. They got up and had a snack in their room while dressing, then breakfast, then lunch, then tea, then supper. And all they seemed to do between all of this eating was change their clothes. Nat was happy to get back to the world that made sense to him. The world where he was a busy, happy, violinist.
He sat on the porch with Daisy as the children played in the snow, then spent the rest of the morning with them in the playroom, spending a happy few hours playing for them as they practiced their dance steps. And then afterwards listening to their happy chatter as they played with their dolls.
Nate came in to fetch them for lunch. Nat would be leaving after that. The boy hung back, like he wanted to talk, so Nat stayed with him.
"Listen, I'm almost 13 now," Nate said. "I'm old enough to be the man of the house. Even Uncle John says so. So any questions you have about the estate should be handled through me from now on, not their my mother."
"I see that you are growing into quite the little man," Nat agreed.
"Right, so if you would like to make an appointment with me to go other the household budget for the next year, I'm sure we can arrange something next week," Nate said, trying still to look dignified. "I can come into the city and we can meet at Uncle Laurie's if you like."
"I would appreciate that," Nat agreed.
"And when you do visit, mind that you don't disturb Mama too much," Nate said. "You know how she gets. You're here and then you're gone. It's all very confusing for her."
"I'll keep that in mind," Nat said.
"Just do what you do and keep to the children," Nate said. "Mama appreciates the break that it gives her and the staff. They are able to get much more done when they aren't under foot, and you seem to have a way with them."
"Thank you son," Nat told him, grateful despite himself for the compliment.
Nate blushed now. "If you feel more comfortable in your own clothes, Mama says that she is comfortable with it as long as you remain on the second floor. This is your home too after all."
"My own clothes?" Nat asked, giving him a confused look.
"You know," Nate said, looking down, suddenly bashful. "If you like to wear dresses or whatever. I know sometimes you let the girls paint your nails or whatever. It's okay, they are old enough to not say anything."
"Son, I am a man and I wear men's clothing," Nat assured him.
There was a visible sign of relief on Nate's face. The old demeanor didn't change though.
"Right then, we're set for next time," Nate said. "Remember Papa, just keep to the children more. Maybe in the evenings you could sit with the ladies too. Mama would protect you and I know you would be more comfortable."
Nat smiled at that. He thought it was the company of men that he was uncomfortable with, not all the nonsense of being a society man.
"You'll understand when you get older son and you really care about something what it's like to have to sit through meaningless chit chat for hours with a smile on your face," Nat assured him, straightening his tie. "Now shall we get to lunch. Mama is waiting."
"Yes, we shall," Nate agreed.
Nat let his big son lead the way and take his place at the head of the table. Nat smiled at the pride in Daisy's face, her boy all grown up and on the way to becoming a man. Nat sat down at the left of his wife, who sat at the other end of the table, Violet beside him. He understood that he had just been demoted to being one of Daisy's children by his own son, but didn't mind. Daisy had raised him, she had been his anchor. She also knew that he adored her and liked feeling his hand in hers as they sat together, murmuring quietly about the trip that was ahead.
"Why is Papa sitting next to you Mama?" Violet finally asked.
"I want to be near my sweet Daisy as much as possible my little flower," Nat answered, kissing Daisy's hand.
"Maybe you could come visit through the season, I think the children are old enough now," Daisy said warmly, so proud of her boy.
"I would like that, I do miss you all terribly," Nat told her.
"We miss you too Papa," Kate told him. "It's no fun when you're not around."
"You have Uncle John to play with," Nat said kindly. "He will teach you the benefit of vigorous exercise, it's very important for a youth."
"I like how we play better," Kate said.
"She prefers a quiet temperament, just like her Mama," Daisy said fondly.
"Well then we need to get to our lessons," Nate said. "Shall I let the girls know that it is time to clear the table Mama."
"We can stay here a little longer," Daisy answered. "Your Papa has to go soon."
"Schedules are very important for the kids Mama," Nate pressed.
"Very well, go attend to your lessons," Daisy said, beaming with pride at her boy. "Tell the staff that we are ready."
Nat went into the drawing room with Daisy and played for her until Tommy came. He stayed for tea, politely not commenting on their new seating arrangement. When it was time to go he seemed relieved.
"I bet you're glad to be getting back," Tommy told him.
"I love my family," Nat answered.
"I suppose you do," Tommy agreed mildly.
They had a good time in the city picking out a new jacket and then going to go donate Nat's old one promptly to a local charity. Tommy rolled his eyes, but Nat always felt like it was the least he could do for others.
He and Tommy went out to dinner and then to a show. Tommy stayed over at Laurie and Amy's. Nat was relieved to see him leave in the morning.
He made his way out of the fashionable part of town and to the neighborhood where Hanz lived. He knew he was being inconspicuous, going to his house in broad daylight, but he had missed him like crazy and didn't care.
He knocked on the big wooden door and waited in the rain, his feet dripping on the mat. When the heavy door opened Nat expected to be reprimanded. He had been warned before about going over to Hanz's house. It made them look bad. But to Nat's surprise the big man just shut the door and enveloped Nat in a big hug, lifting Nat off of his feet. He kissed him while he was in the air and Nat kissed him back.
"I missed you," Hanz said in his thick German.
"You have no idea how much I missed you too," Nat told him, kissing him again.
They made their way into the bedroom and Nat let himself be taken by the big man. No anger today, only relief of having him back and intact.
"I worry you know," Hanz said as they were laying side by side, Nat in Hanz's arms.
"About what?" Nat asked him.
"That something will happen to you out there," Hanz said. "I know your friends try to keep an eye on you, but I also know how mischievous you can be."
He kissed Nat affectionately. Nat kissed him back and sighed, leaning into his big chest. This what what life should be like, he thought. Just love and music. But no one else seemed to understand that.
Nat spent several days there, sending a note to Amy saying that he was staying with friends and to not worry. He rarely left the house, rarely left the bedroom. They were drunk on their own passion for each other. This was the way that Nat liked it.
Of course Hanz still had his meetings to attend. It was no small feet leading an orchestra. There was a lot to get ready before their season officially started. Nat tried not to mind that he was not a part of this. That Hanz would come home for a long day spent in preparation of the upcoming season and from going out drinking afterward with his friends. Nat thought about their little room and how he would soon get back there, but not now.
He was happy to stay in Hanz's house and practice. Soon the orchestra would be practicing together, but not for another week. Nat spent his day with his music, busy in his own way.
Hanz would come home at last and scoop him up in his big arms and carry him to bed, where they would spend a few hours of bliss together before going to sleep in each other's arms.
"This was the best rest I could have thought of before the season," Nat told him one morning when they were laying together, Nat snuggled in next to him, tracing his strong jaw with his fingers.
"It doesn't have to end," Hanz told him.
"Practice starts again, it's time to get back to life," Nat told him, letting him bite on the end of the fingers.
"Stay," Hanz said. "I'll still pay you. We'll say that you are taking the rest of the season off for your health. Spending it in a warming climate or some such. But you will really be right here with me."
"I have my family to think of," Nat said.
Hanz scoffed.
"The fat women or the boy who doesn't think you're a man," Hanz said, lazily turning Nat over and beginning to thrust into him. "Just stay with me."
"I can't," Nat said, reaching for the headboard to hold onto as Hanz began to move his big body faster, moving Nat along with him. He pulled Nat's head back and kissed him hard as he came. Nat felt him relax on top of him as he lowered Nat back down onto the bed, still inside of him.
"Just be with me," Hanz insisted.
"I won't do that to them," Nat said.
Hanz seemed to be considering this as he laid there, cradling Nat's body beneath him so that his weight wouldn't hurt him.
"It's time for us to get back to us," Hanz finally said, pulling out of him. "Get out of my house."
"We have another two days," Nat answered, rolling over to face him. His strong, stern, wide face that Nat loved. "I enjoy it, being here with you."
"I have told you before to not come here," Hanz told him sternly.
"But I like it," Nat said, running his hand down his big chest. "I like being here with you."
"But I do not like having some low level musician defiling my bed," Hanz said, getting mad now and pushing Nat out of the bed. "Tell me, what do you have that I haven't given you. Your wife can't even spare you the money for a new coat or shoes when yours are worn. She doesn't care what happens to you and yet you stay."
"I love her," Nat said from where he sat, stunned, on the floor.
"Get out of my house," Hanz said, riling from his bed now.
Nat scrambled to get his clothes on, not wanting to be on the receiving end if Hanz's temper. Then again, some of his best solo opportunities had come from taking one of Hanz's beating when he was in a rage and then trying to make it up to him afterward. Sometimes the benefit was worth the cost, and Hanz was obviously stressed. He needed a release if he was going to be any good for anyone.
"I love you too you know," Nat said as he put his shoes on. "It's like your philosopher friends say, love should be shared."