Merlin hauled himself out of bed, his whole body aching as he pulled himself upright. He sighed and stood up. Today, right now, the king, Arthur, thought he knew who he was. By this evening, Merlin would have told him.
He knew the consequences. The loss of trust of Arthur, Gwaine, Gwen…. Everyone. People would look at him with disgust. The servant who lied. They would see him as a threat. He may even be executed. But he couldn't lie to the king and the queen and the knights. But most importantly they were his friends which is why it broke his heart every time he lied to them. Felt the words roll of his tongue which no longer even took effort.
'No more lies' Merlin breathed as he exited his room.
Merlin walked down towards Arthurs chambers with his head held low in defeat, carrying the Kings breakfast.
He pushed the door open gently to see his king still sleeping, Merlin walked to Arthurs table and placed the plate of steaming food down before readying Arthurs clothes for the day. Merlin would tell him when he woke up.
He heard a groan and a muffled and slightly annoyed 'Merlin, what are you doing here so early?'
Later. Merlin thought. I will tell him later.
Merlin felt him being thrown backwards along with Arthur shouting 'WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU MERLIN! YOU'RE BEING COMPLETELY USLESS!' Arthur was trying to train and Merlin knew he wasn't being much help but he had too much on his mind. How to tell his friend. His only friend, how it had all been a lie. How every word, every quite conversation, how every moment of trust and safety with each other had been false. How Merlin was something that the whole kingdom feared. And how he was party responsible for Uthurs death. So Merlin lied. Again. 'I'm sorry, just tiered, Gaius was snoring and it kept me awake'.
'That's a poor excuse Merlin, everyone knows Gaius snores and you've been here for years, you can't possibly expect me to believe that it's kept you awake every night in Camelot since you arrived. 'Arthur said. He then walked closer and pulled his helmet off. 'Actually Merlin, shall I tell you where you were last night. The tavern, again. You're always at the tavern.'
'Yeah, sorry it won't happen again sire.' Merlin would tell him later.
Arthur came into a long corridor of the castle after telling Merlin to go and get some rest and he would put his sword away. Something was clearly on his manservant – his friends mind and he wasn't going to press him. Arthur stopped suddenly and stepped backwards into the shadows again when he saw that very same person curled up with his back against the wall and his head in his knees. Shaking slowly.
Arthur wanted to go up to him. Tell him it was going to be okay. But instead he turned away in the direction he came.
He couldn't have that conversation.
Merlin went back to his chambers with his head held low. Hiding his red eyes from Gaius. He wasn't going to let him talk him out of telling Arthur the truth. Not this time.
It was dusk and Merlin found himself walking down the corridor he was walking down early that morning. But this time he was determined, he pace fast and his eyes focused. It was now or never. Merlin flung the door open interrupting Arthur working hard on a speech.
'GET O-'
Merlin cut him off 'No, Arthur, I've had enough. I have to tell you.' He said breathlessly.
'Well whatever it is Merlin, it can wait'. Arthur said looking back down on his work.
Merlin pulled himself taller, and straighter his eyes blank and focused. 'No Arthur, it can't. I've waited four years and I can't wait anymore. I'm done with waiting. It only makes it hard to tell you what you deserve to know.'
Arthur looked up and saw Merlin flash his hand up and wipe away a stray tear from his cheek.
'Well there's really not much point because I already know.' Arthur said turning back to his work.
Merlin blinked his tears back in shock 'y-you do?'
'Yes Merlin, I mean nobody in Camelot has ever actually seen you with a girl so the question that you might be gay did arise with me. And honestly, Merlin, it's no big deal. Okay?' Arthur said with sincerity looking at Merlin intently waiting for his reaction.
'what? NO, no... I'm not gay…' Merlin turned and walked out of the room silently wishing that it was that simple.
Arthur watched Merlin walking away his jaw quivering and he hastily brushed his tears away with his fingers.
Merlin was tired and enough was enough. It was two days later and he was yet again walking towards Arthurs chambers again.
He pushed the doors open gently and slipped inside shutting the door behind him.
'MERLIN, just listen here!' Arthur cried at the abrupt disruption again and he walked towards Merlin hastily.
'No' Merlin said softly has he gripped Arthur's wrists. 'It's your turn to listen'.
'you're not going to kiss me are you?' said Arthur jokingly.
'FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE YOU ARGANT PRAT LISTEN TO ME' Merlin said angrily. 'i am sick and tired of lying to you and you deserve to know that I'm not the person you think I am.' Merlin released Arthur and stepped backwards giving the King some space to feel less threatened when he told him the truth.
'I'm a-'
This time Arthur cut him off. 'No Merlin, we are not having this conversation, not ever are we having this conversation. Don't you think I already know? And if you actually say those words that you want to say I won't be able to stop the course of action the rest of Camelot will want to take.' Arthur said finishing in a whisper. 'I know. I've known who you are and what you are for a long time Merlin. And that's my friend'. Arthur said nodding at Merlin his eyes looking at him intently.
Merlin remained bewildered and confused. 'we- we are talking about the same thing here aren't we? I mean you're not saying I'm gay again are you?'
'Oh for crying out loud you useless idiot' Arthur said wearily. 'you are the least subtle person on the planet, how on earth you thought I wouldn't catch you is beyond me but what pains me the most is the fact that you were so terrified to even come and talk to me. Does my friendship mean that little to you for you to think that I would have you executed…. Along with Gaius for withholding information.' Arthur said as he rested his hands on Merlin's shoulders.
' You have saved my life so many times I really don't think three is even a question of whether your intentions are good, do you? Friend.' Arthur said nodding finally.
Merlin found himself overwhelmed and he threw his arms around Arthur tears falling freely out of relief, sadness, or happiness Merlin didn't know. Arthur returned the gesture hesitantly before saying 'But that doesn't still mean I don't think you're useless. The amount of times I've had to cover your ass is unbelievable!'
Merlin chuckled through his thick tears and soon both men were laughing together arms holding each other close. As equals.
'Oh and Merlin, no more secrets.'