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I step onto the roof. This is it. I'm finally going to do it. I pause for a moment, taking in the skyline for the last time. I've always loved the lights, and the landscape. I remember coming up here during the summer to draw the skyline. Just one last time...
"You don't really want to jump, do you?"
Oh my god--- I thought I was alone up here, but I turn around to see someone else. A guy in a leather bomber. His cheeks are rosy red and he's shivering uncontrollably. He's half frozen, like he'd been standing here for hours. I wonder who he is, and what he's doing here. Nobody every comes up here. He slowly walked towards me as I slowly back away. I've never seen him before. I've been on night watch for six years, and I don't recall this guy every being here in this building. I remember faces, any and all that I see. It's the only talent that has been bestowed upon me. Pretty useless, huh.
This is my life and I want to end it.
"I didn't mean to startle you..."
Wait, I know what your thinking. A lot of people hate their jobs. What make me different. It's not just the job, there's more. The job is just part of it. I'm just tired of being invisible, unseen and unheard. Tired of every thought, opinion I have being ignored. I know you have to work your way up from the bottom. Climb the corporate ladder. I understand that. When I started here I was given the choice between building security or the mail room. I chose security. Every week I put in a request to be transfered somewhere else, anywhere else, but I always get turned down. The other guy I started with he's a complete moron and he now in middle management. One time I saw my manager crumple up the request form when he thought I wasn't looking and just tossed in the garbage.
Maybe I should quit. But with this job I barely make ends meet. I can't afford to go without a check.
Then there's the thing with my boyfriend. He left me after two years for the girl at the supermarket. I heard from a friend that that he was cheating on me for months and that nobody had the heart to tell me. I didn't believe it until I caught them in the throws of passion in my apartment.
Hell, maybe he's right. Maybe, I don't want to jump. This is probably a cry for attention. I'm just tired.
I heard that once you hit bottom there's no where to go but up. Then again, I don't think that's a good thing to think while you're contemplating suicide off a roof.
"Things can't be that bad..."
"What do you know?" I snap. This guys very pretentious, especially since he knows nothing about me. I wondered what he was doing here on the roof anyway. I heard on the news that tonight it's about 20 degrees out here and the wind chill makes it feel like minus 20. It's too cold for him to just be hanging around. Doesn't look like he's a vagrant.
"Do you know that there are thoughts of jumping in front of the EL every time I see one pull into the station everyday on my way to and from work? And that the only reason I haven't done it yet is because of my conscience? That and the thought that I would probably survive the ordeal."
"You should listen to your conscience. It'll always tell you the right thing to do."
"Maybe. Maybe not..."
"Have you told anybody? Friends, family, anybody?"
"No."
"You should. They'll help you. I'll help you."
"Who the hell are you?" I stepped away, matching his steps as he came closer towards me, but I'm running out of roof. After the fifth step I bump into the railing. I reached backwards gripping the rail with my bare hands. I can lean backwards and I would fall. Maybe I should do it. End it all. That's what I came up here to do, but I'm beginning to have doubts. The voice of my conscience is kicks in. Why did this guy have to come up here?
"Why don't you just come over here and we'll talk about it..."
He stopped walking towards me as I hoist myself over. I don't think I should've looked down. My hands are clammy and everything starts to spin. God, I'm terrified of heights. The roof was definitely a bad idea. I know I'm gripping the railing too tight. My hands have lost all color to them. I can barely feel them, they've gone numb. I'd loosen my grip on the railing, but I'm now afraid that I'm going to fall. Acrophobia is a bitch.
Too engrossed in my fear, I barely noticed that the guy is now standing right behind me.
What the hell am I doing? This is what I came here to do. Fall. To end my pitiful existence on this world. I closed my eyes, lean forward and let go of the railing.
I can feel my heart beating rapidly in my chest, as if it's going to explode. The wind rushing against my face, from the left. Left? Shouldn't it be from the front? I fell facing forward. Free fall doesn't feel like I thought it would. A few more seconds till nothing...
It never comes.
I opened my eyes to see that the guy's holding onto me by the back of my jacket. "What the hell...? Are you insane!"
He's leaned too far off the ledge. "Let go, or we'll both fall."
"No!"
He's straining, I can hear it in his voice. I looked back. He has his legs clamped to the railing as both hands are gripped to the back of my jacket.
"I'm not going to let go. If you fall, we both fall."
"What?! Your nuts!"
"Maybe..."
He still won't let go. He looks determined not to let me fall, no matter the cost. I can see it in his green eyes. If he doesn't let go, we both die. I can slip my arms out of the jacket and end everything. But then this guy would fall, too.
Eternal damnation with the death of this guy on my conscience.
I do the only thing I can, reach back and grab the railing. He falls backwards onto the roof and I land on top of him. He still doesn't let go of my jacket.
He squirms out from underneath me and stand up, extending his hand to help me to my feet. I slap his hand away hard.
"You should have just let me fall." I don't remember when the tears start to fall. I try to stop but I can't. I pound on the roof angrily as he quietly watches. "You had no right to do that. No right..."
"It's okay. Let it all out."
"You don't know nothing about me. Nobody would miss me if I died." He put his arm around my shoulder as I cry. Surrendering, I hug him as I sob uncontrollably.
"I know that your friend Joe would miss you."
Joe? How does he know about Joe? This guy knows an awful lot for someone I've never seen before. Maybe he's a hallucination. My conscience manifesting as a person. Why it would manifest as this guy? I don't really know. I don't know much about anything anymore.
"Joe, I'll get over it."
"No, he won't. The news of your death will push him to drink. He will get into his car and slam into a mini-van. Killing himself and six other people, three of which are children. Harry 3 , Lanna 5 and their older brother Tom, 8."
My conscience is slipping. He should now that Joe doesn't like to drink. The only time he does is at company functions. He's a web page designer at a large dot com company. What if he's right though. He does seem to know a lot about me.
I turn my back from him and look at the somber overcast night sky. "So, what if I don't jump."
There is no response from my conscience. I turn around to find him looking at something. He notices that I'm looking at him and stuff whatever it was back into his leather bomber.
"Nobody dies."
My conscience tells me not to do it. The one in my head, not to jump. It says to go find Joe and talk to him. I think that's what I'll do.
I stepped off the roof.
The End