Ever since Bernie had returned from her secondment, Serena had found herself unable to connect with her as she once had. She wanted so desperately to reach out and say something, to somehow make everything right between them once more, but every single bloody time she went to say something, the words turned to ashes in her mouth and her hand unconsciously pulled itself tightly to her chest, as if reacting to a slap that had never happened. It didn't help that Bernie would sometimes gaze at her, with pure longing in her eyes, and she would lean in over the desk, instinct drawing her ever closer, until Bernie would push away and claim that she had to go do something. It was never a believable lie, but it was one that Serena accepted without qualm.
So it was good that she had arrived before the woman, and could have a bit of time to herself in order to catch up on the paperwork she'd been allowing to pile up over the last few weeks. Letting out a deep breath, Serena settled behind her desk and powered up her computer, sipping at the coffee she'd picked up from Pulses. "Honestly, you're being ridiculous, Serena," she said lowly as she leaned back in her chair, staring at the ceiling.
The computer made its familiar waking up sound, and Bernie began to dig through her attaché case, pulling out her portfolio and beginning to look through the notes that she had to transcribe. There were a few details missing, and that was when she remembered that Bernie had consulted a little, and she knew that she'd find those notes in the top drawer of Bernie's desk. Hoping that Bernie wouldn't walk in on her, Serena stood and sidled over to the other desk, tugging open the drawer she wanted and starting to rummage through for what she needed.
Serena's fingers hovered over a letter that rested atop the familiar file, and she paused, staring at the elegant script. Though she didn't want to, a part of her couldn't resist reading the start of the letter. Dear Bernie, It was nice to reconnect with you while you were in Kiev. I had no idea that our paths…
A familiar shadow fell into the room, and Serena sat up like a shot, pulling out both the file and the letter, clutching them to her chest. Moments later, Bernie bustled in, her eyes instantly drawn to Serena and where she sat. "Snooping about, Ms. Campbell?" she drawled out, and Serena felt her cheeks flush guiltily.
"I needed to access your notes for that case we were working on last week. I seemed to remember that you had paced the file in your desk, and I took it upon myself to retrieve them. I promise, no harm done to anything else in that desk of yours."
The look of relief on Bernie's face was all Serena needed to see, and a small part of her heart died to think that Bernie and whoever wrote the letter really had reconnected in Kiev. Blinking rapidly, she stood and went back to her desk, took a seat, and stared at the monitor. All ambition to complete her work had fled the moment her eyes had encountered that damning letter, and all she really wanted to do in that moment was escape.
"Serena? I'm going to do my rounds, okay?"
The concern in Bernie's voice shook her from her stupor, and Serena looked up at the woman, giving her a small nod. "All right. Perhaps we could have a working lunch and plow through some of this paperwork? I really do need to get it into Hanssen sooner than later."
"I'd like that. I'll ring for Thai at half past?"
Serena nodded, trying not to feel more elated than she should. This was the closest they had come to a normal conversation in weeks, and it made her feel immensely happy. Bernie must have felt the same way, since she gave her that little half smirk that she reserved for Serena alone, and then turned on her heel and left.
"Well, this is a fine kettle of fish, you stupid idiot. Just how do you plan on getting that letter back into Bernie's desk without her noticing?"
Shaking her head, Serena set the file she had absconded with down in front of her and fought the urge to snatch up the mysterious letter and find out who Bernie was obviously, quietly, seeing. And it almost worked, until Serena happened to glance out the window onto the ward and see Bernie speaking with Raf, laughing and acting as if nothing was amiss.
Picking up the sheet of paper, Serena began to read where she had left off.
I'll admit, I wasn't certain that I wanted to see you again, since we had left things so up in the air. And then, that kiss we shared just clarified everything for me. You were looking for a way to escape, to outrun the feelings you were developing for someone who was distinctly not me. I could tell by the way our lips met that I was no longer first and foremost in your heart, that you had moved on, despite your protestations to the contrary.
She must be something extremely special if she can tame your wild heart. But you have to know, Bernie, that other people might not be as tolerant of your penchant to flee when things get too emotional, and you might have hurt her far too deeply already to ever have a hope for reconciliation. Don't pull your stiff upper lip act on her, Bernie. Show her the sweet heart that is buried beneath layer upon layer of emotional baggage, and let her in.
And I really have to tell you this, since you probably won't be able to deduce it for yourself. Treat her better than you did me, than you did Mark. If she loves you even half as much as you seem to think she does, she deserves the best in this world. Take my advice, let her heal the broken pieces of you, sew you back together, and build a new life with each other.
All my love to your new love,
Alex
Serena gasped, wiping at her cheeks when she realized that she had been crying over the contents of the letter. Bernie cared for her still? That did little to explain why she still wasn't really talking to Serena, why it seemed like they couldn't be in the same room for more than five minutes without one of them feeling antsy and needing to leave.
Her heart pounded in her chest and Serena lifted her coffee cup to her lips with a shaking hand. She needed fresh air, that was all there was to it, and she got to her feet, shrugging into her coat before stalking from the office and heading out to the small garden on the hospital grounds.
Once she was there, Serena paced back and forth, trying to find some semblance of peace amongst the greenery. "You'll catch your death of cold, Serena, if you stay out here much longer."
Whirling around, she found Bernie standing at the entrance of the garden, shivering a little as her too thin coat did little to protect her from the biting wind that had sprung up. And it was in that moment that Serena realized she, too, was freezing, and she shrugged a little, letting her eyes fill with tears as she hunched over onto herself. "I can't handle kindness right now."
"I seem to remember you saying something similar to me here, once not so long ago. I've not done well with kind in the past, but it might be time to start." Bernie came over to her side, wrapping an arm around her waist, and Serena melted into the embrace. This was everything that she had been missing for so many months, and now she was here again, home, in Bernie's embrace.
It took so little to turn herself into Bernie, to seek out the warmth that was emanating from her, and Serena breathed in deeply. The familiar scent of Bernie's cologne tickled her senses, and the memories that flooded her mind almost took her breath away. "I should hate you. I did what you asked of me, I tried to figure out who I was, even when I knew who I am, and all I could do was pine for you."
"And then I came home, and things just weren't the same, were they?" Serena shook her head. "I'm sorry. I just couldn't find the right words in my head. I don't think there are words, if that makes sense. After all, how do you let someone know that they've become a lodestone in your life, when you weren't looking for someone like that?"
"Oh," she gasped out, rubbing her nose against the wool of Bernie's coat.
"And I know that you found the letter I had left out for you."
"What?" she asked, pulling away from the safety of Bernie's arms to glare at her a little. "You set me up?"
Bernie laughed sadly as she shook her head. "No, I knew that you needed those notes, and that you would go looking for them eventually. I couldn't think of another way to break the ice between us, and I was hoping that Alex's admonishments would help you see that you've ruined me for others. I couldn't even fall into bed with her after two bottles of wine. All I could see, in place of her face, was yours, wearing that betrayed expression when I told you I had taken the secondment. I love you, and I was running from that, and I hurt you."
"You did." Serena was going to say more, but then she heard a familiar throat clear, and she pulled away from Bernie all together, turning to see Raf looking at them, a bemused smile dancing on his lips. "Yes?" she asked frostily, knowing that that tone never worked on him.
"There was a rather bad accident on the motorway, and they're bringing the casualties here. Hanssen sent me to find you two, since no one had seen you in a while."
Serena nodded as she hastily brushed the tears from her cheeks. "Thank you, Raf, we'll be in shortly." He gave them a sharp nod before fixing a steely look at Bernie. The other woman didn't react at all, and then the man was turning on his heel and leaving them alone.
"Well, it seems I still haven't mended fences with him yet. There are so many things that I need to address, aren't there?"
Serena nodded as she reached out and clasped Bernie's hand, feeling how cold her fingers were. "But you'll have me by your side as you try to make things better."
Bernie nodded before glancing around quickly. Serena tried not to flinch as the taller woman leaned in and pressed a quick kiss to her cheek. "I'm going to need you." There was a flash of deep vulnerability in Bernie's eyes, and Serena drew in a deep breath as she nodded before leaning in to return the sweet gesture.
"Well, good, because I'm not going anywhere." She flashed a quick smile at Serena before starting to tug her back to the hospital. "And tonight, we're going to supper before heading back to my place. Jason's away again."
"Perfect."
And then they were inside again, and the press of emergencies washed over Serena, sending her into her brusque business mode, listening to Bernie bark orders, helping them to triage the patients efficiently as they came in. There were times when Serena felt like she was going to be overwhelmed, and then she would meet Bernie's eye, and everything fell into place once more.
Finally, they had managed to treat everyone, and Serena was wearily making her way back to her office. With an ungraceful thud, she plopped down into her chair and buried her face in her hands, wanting nothing more than to fall asleep then and there. A warm hand caressed her back and she arched into the touch, knowing that Bernie had appeared just when she was needed. "It has been a long afternoon. Let's just head home and relax with a nice bottle of Shiraz."
"Mmm, you have no idea how heavenly that sounds right now. If only I could find the motivation to move my arse out of this chair."
"I could think of something," Bernie murmured in her ear, her warm breath sending shivers up and down Serena's spine as her hand ran up and down her arm. "Something that we might end up regretting if we did that in the office."
"You are incorrigible, Berenice Wolfe!"
"Oh, the full name! You must be flustered." Again, the low tone that send shivers through her, and Serena shuffled her shoulders a little, trying to decide on whether to move away from or closer to her tormentor. "Get up, Fraulein, we're going home."
"Yes, Major." It took every fiber in her being to push herself out of the chair and shrug into her coat. As Serena went to grab for her bag, she found that Bernie was one step ahead of her, putting all her work inside it before handing it over. "Whatever would I do without you?"
Though she hadn't meant there to be a double layer to her words, the very moment they were free of her lips, she could hear the other meaning there, and knew that Bernie had heard it as well. A quick flash of pain flickered in her warm eyes, and Serena bit her lip a little trying to control her fragile emotions. "I don't want to know," Bernie finally replied, and Serena nodded as she went to the door.
"From your lips to God's ears," she whispered as she made her way out to the parking lot. She knew that the others were looking at them, wondering what was going on, but she found that she didn't much care. A part of her was glad to think that she was tired of hiding this new facet of herself, since she knew who she was and that was all that mattered. In the end, as long as she could hold on to that, she, and Bernie, would be fine.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Bernie asked as she trailed after Serena.
"I was thinking that we would leave your car here and save on petrol. We're both on tomorrow, after all."
"And you don't care about the implications?"
She halted in her tracks, turning to focus her gaze on Bernie. "No. I don't. Do you?"
A blinding grin spread across Bernie's face as she shook her head. "No, I don't either. I know who I am."
"So do I, now. It took you leaving for me to discover that." And then, heedless of who might be around, Serena stepped closer to Bernie, leaning in and claiming her lips in a tender kiss. "You told me that I needed to find out what I wanted, and I have. I want you."
A light blush spread across Bernie's face, and Serena smirked at her before tugging on her hand, guiding her to her car. Bernie put up no fight, and Serena let her smirk grow as she slid behind the wheel of her car, looking expectantly out at Bernie. The blonde shook her head a little as she climbed into the passenger seat, settling Serena's bag on her lap and hugging it tightly as Serena drove.
"I expected to hear Beethoven or Mahler."
"Oh, instead of Bowie? Really, you were pigeonholing me that much?" she teased, wanting Bernie to squirm a little.
"Well, yes. You drink Shiraz, for heaven's sake! You're elegant, refined, gorgeous, and, and…"
"And a lover of glam rock. There's nothing wrong with that." Glancing over at Bernie, Serena winked before continuing. "Actually, I usually do listen to classical music. I was just in a Bowie mood this morning."
"Oh, I can just imagine," Bernie replied as she gave her a laconic smile.
The rest of the drive was quiet, and Serena listened to the way Bernie breathed, almost humming along with the songs that played, and a quiet sense of peace settled around her soul, almost lulling her into a light trance. Somehow, she pulled into her drive, and then parked, her hands still on the steering wheel. A wide yawn split her lips, and then she shook her head slowly, trying to clear the fog. "I suppose that we should get inside before I completely fall asleep," she murmured slowly, trying to find the energy to get out.
"Right, hand me your keys, then." Serena nodded as she pulled them out of the ignition. Bernie took them from her hand, letting her fingers graze against her palm before she climbed out of the car and headed over to the driver's side, helping Serena out. They stumbled up the walk and Bernie deftly unlocked her door, letting them in. "Where's your room?"
"Upstairs, on the left."
Bernie nodded before closing and relocking the door. Serena found that she didn't much care that Bernie was taking the lead, since it allowed her to not think any more that day. Together, Bernie's arm around her waist, they went up the stairs and she breathed in deeply, writing the scent that was uniquely Bernie on her memory.
"Oh, this is so perfectly you," she heard Bernie whisper as they entered the bedroom, and Serena shrugged as she stepped out of her sensible shoes and started to unbutton her blouse. "Serena?"
"I am too exhausted to care anymore tonight. You can either sleep in your clothes, or borrow a nightgown." She drew in a deep breath as she slipped the blouse off her shoulders and went over to the closet, dumping the garment in the hamper before divesting herself of her trousers and hanging them up.
Serena jumped a little when she felt cool hands spread out across her stomach, tugging her backwards until she was flush with Bernie's body. "You are so gorgeous," the woman murmured in her ear, and Serena grinned as she let her head come to rest on Bernie's shoulder.
"So are you," she replied as she covered Bernie's hands with her own. Slowly, she guided those elegant hands up to her breasts, needing to feel her there. Bernie cupped her breasts gently, her thumbs rubbing back and forth over her nipples, quickly stiffening them to erect peaks. Serena drew in a sharp breath through her nostrils, feeling her core clench with desire as she turned in Bernie's arms and threaded her arms around her neck in order to pull her close.
Bernie moaned a little as they kissed, and Serena used the opportunity to explore the other woman's mouth with her tongue. This kiss was less frenzied than she thought it would be, but Serena went with it, gasping a little as she felt the fabric of her bra come loose. "I thought you wanted to sleep."
"I do," she said breathlessly, nuzzling her face against the bare skin of Bernie's upper chest. "This just got in our way."
Bernie laughed throatily, and pushed Serena away gently. "Find something to wear before I ravish you where you stand."
Serena smirked as she went over to her dresser and pulled out a slinky nightgown, tugging it over her head and letting it come to rest around her thighs. Bernie's eyes seemed drawn to the hem of her nightgown, just like Serena had hoped, and she arched an eyebrow as she made her way over to the bed and climbed in, pulling the sheet up around her waist as she stared at Bernie. "Well, what are you waiting for?"
Bernie jumped and cleared her throat, peeling the tight skinny jeans from her legs before tugging her thin tank top over her head and leaving everything in a pile. Serena swallowed thickly as she took in the sheer beauty that was the blonde woman, feeling all rational thought leave her brain. "Do you have any t-shirts at all?"
"In the back of the closet."
Bernie nodded absently as she rummaged through the clothes, before tugging out an oversized cotton shirt, pulling it on as she walked over to the bed. Serena immediately turned onto her side and gazed at Bernie, letting her eyes devour her features before leaning in and resting her forehead against the blonde's. "Do you need to set your alarm?"
"No, it's automatically set," she replied as she threw her arm around Bernie's waist, pulling her closer as she let her eyes close heavily. "I'll take the shower first, in the morning. I promise not to use up all the hot water."
"Really? What if I'm up before you?"
"Then I might join you," she replied saucily, pressing quick little kisses to Bernie's lips in order to quiet her. "Now go to sleep."
"Yes, Fraulein." Bernie gave her another peck of a kiss. "And I will make certain to keep my promise to Alex. I will treat you better, treat you as good as you deserve, for as long as you'll have me."
"Even if that's forever?" she said sleepily, burrowing ever closer to the heat that Bernie threw off, wanting to feel completely enveloped by her.
"Especially so," Bernie replied before resting her chin atop Serena's head and humming lowly under her breath. And it was with those sounds that Serena finally succumbed to sleep, safe in the snug embrace of someone she adored.