Disclaimer: Although I've taken it upon myself to mastermind some torturous ways of converting the motion picture to my own demented parody, I don't own Sweeney Todd, nor any of the characters inhabiting it. READ ON, and you'll manage to keep your legs. :D -Drops saw.- Yes, that's right...

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Narrator: A stormy, grungy-looking sea "happily" guides a ship to London. Anthony, a sailor, proudly sings about the wonderful adventures he had, comparing them to the nasty, foggy freaking London. Joining in would be none other than our dear procrastinator, Mr. Sweeney Todd.

Anthony: (In the melody of his song) No, there's no place like London!

Sweeney Todd: (Emerges out of nowhere) No, there's no place like London!

Anthony: ... (Staring vacantly at Sweeney) Mister Todd? That was my so--

Sweeney Todd: (Completely ignoring him) You are young...

Anthony: Mister Todd, that was my song! (Prod, prod)

Sweeney Todd: Life has been kind to you...

Anthony: MISTER TODD, IT'S MY TURN TO SHINE!

Sweeney Todd: You will leeeaaarrrnnn...

Anthony: (Coughblehemcough) Done?

Sweeney Todd: (Scowl)

Anthony: I saved you from the reindeer, back in Australia! Remember? Now let me sing?

Sweeney Todd: ... Don't you mean Kangar--

Anthony: (Hugs Sweeney's waist) Reeeeeiiiiiinnnnndeeeerrrrr.

Sweeney Todd: ... (Twitch) ... This somehow reminds me of how my wife -- ... (Solemnly singing) There was a barber and his wife, and she was beautiful ... a dumbass barber and his wife, she was his reason and his life, and she was beautiful ... and not in the least a virgin. And he was ... a dumbassssss. Some ugly Harry Potter guy saw she was beautiful ... an ugly pervert judge ... who with his unclipped toenails ... removed the barber from his plate ...

Anthony: (Still hugging; not even acknowledging Sweeney's "Emo" story) Your tummy made a rumbly! (Christmasy giggle)

Sweeney Todd: (Looks around dangerously) ... MAN OVERBOARD. (Pushes Anthony off the boat and flees)

[About one flippin' hour later.

Anthony: (Gradually crawls ashore London) Something deep down tells me that Mister Todd has a daughter taken captive by an ugly judge that once raped his wife, and the every time I see her, she'll be sitting in a window singing as will she the majority of the movie, I WILL MARRY HER! (Pranced off)

[Meanwhile, sludgy old London streets.

Sweeney Todd: (Walking angrily through the streets, muttering) There's a hole in the world like a great black pi-- UGH! LONDON ... I HATE IT. (Twitch)

Narrator: The camera goes on superfreakingspeed mode through the streets, quickly flashing random going-ons.

Sweeney Todd: (Crosses a street like that whole superspeed thing was normal, and stands in front of Mrs. Lovett's pie shop, reading the sign) OHFURIZZLIN'CAKES! MEAT PIES! Something I can imagine the judge, killed after having his throat slit, catipulted through the floor and baked into a meat pie, as I bite into the tender goodness of human meat! (A bird flies by and poops on his shoulder) EUGH. STUPID BIRD. MY NICE SHIRT ... now my good mood's ruined. London sucks! (Walks in angrily and sits down at the window)

Mrs. Lovett: Oh crap, a customer! (Somersaults matrix-like over her counter and lands on Sweeney)

Sweeney Todd: (Gasps for air)

Mrs. Lovett: I thought you was a ghost, love!

Sweeney Todd: (GASP, GASP, GASP)

Mrs. Lovett: (Stands up, brushing herself off) Welcome to my pie shop! I make the worst pies in flippin' London! Yup, I suuuure do! Here! Try one! (Jammed it in his mouth) Just made it a year ago.

Sweeney Todd: (Spews it out) WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM, LADY?!

Mrs. Lovett: I know. It's gross. Here! Wash it down with some gin. (Hands him a glass)

Sweeney Todd: (Takes a sip, scrunching his face up)

Mrs. Lovett: Er ... wait, that was my last customer's denchers glass ...

Sweeney Todd: ... (Gag)

Mrs. Lovett: Sorry 'bout that. Forget I'm outta me gin.

Sweeney Todd: (Brushing off his tongue) Stho wot 'bout tat rum abuff teh sop?

Mrs. Lovett: Wot about rum, love?

Sweeney Todd: (Stops) SO, WHAT 'BOUT THAT ROOM ABOVE THE SHOP?! (Rolled eyes)

Mrs. Lovett: ... If I told you, I'd have to kill you ...

Sweeney Todd: ... What'd you just say?

Mrs. Lovett: ... I said people think it's haunted! (Coughgiggle) 'Cos (Begins to sing) There was a barber and this bitch, and he was fine as hell! Name was Benjamin Barker, it was.

Sweeney Todd: I'm fine as hell? (Big, happy smile)

Mrs. Lovett: Yes, love! I always thought you was fine as he-- WAIT A MINUTE ... You're Benjamin Barker?

Sweeney Todd: ... Not Barker. Todd.Sweeney Todd. It's so much more fun to say than Benjamin Barker. 'Cos I mean, it's like ... "Swee" with the "wee" and the "Ess" and the "Ney" 'cos it's like "Neee!" And the Todd. It's like, "Todd." So cool, right? (The oh-so "in character" grimace at Mrs. Lovett)

Mrs. Lovett: Aw'right then. Hey! (Handcuffs herself to Sweeney) I got somethin' to show you!

Sweeney Todd: ... (Flinches at handcuffs) I don't like where this is going ...

Mrs. Lovett: (Drags him upstairs)

[Upstairs. Jeez. I'm too lazy to put detail into this?

Mrs. Lovett: I've been savin' somethin' here for you, deary. (Wide, wide smile)

Sweeney Todd: (Sweat, sweat) ...

Mrs. Lovett: ... (Pulls a mysterious crowbar out of nowhere and tears the floorboard open vigorously, after that, she then whips out from the floor a dusty old box and holds it in front of Sweeney)

Box: (Magically opens on its own, a bright light shining in Sweeney's face)

Sweeney Todd: OH MY GOD! (Stumbles backwards and smacks head into the wall)

Mrs. Lovett: ... (Rolls eyes) ... Ah, yeah. Anyway. LOOKIT, LOVE! (Brings them to Sweeney)

Sweeney Todd: (Stares in the box in complete astonishment, light still beaming in his eyes) ... Oh ... shiznuckles. (Tears a razor out of the box) AREN'T YOU JUST PRECIOUS?! (Cuddles the razor ever-so-gently, talking all cutesy-wootsy) Yes you are! Yes you are! (Stroke, stroke)

[After ten minutes of Sweeney caressing the razor and singing to it.

Mrs. Lovett: (Rubs head against Sweeney's shoulder) Oh, Mister Tee. I'm your friend too! I'm your friend! I secretly love you so much, Mister Tee! I love you! Lovelovelove! Lots of it!

Sweeney Todd: ... (Notices Mrs. Lovett finally there) Why are you still here? CAN'T YOU SEE?! I love them! Leave me!

Mrs. Lovett: ... (As forgiving as she is) Oh, that's alright Mr. Todd! I'll be happy to see you when your done being creepy with your razors ya got there! (Hums, running down the stairs cheerfully)

Sweeney Todd: (Throws arm up in the air, watching his razor gleam) AT LAST! I want a pretzel ...

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The reason I've rudely interrupted your enjoyment... or suffering. Heh.
THE STORY SHALL BE CONTINUED. Eventually. I expect reviews, lots

and lots of reviews, criticizing me. :D