A/N: Okay, so this is the CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2006!! You should be absolutely, without a doubt happyful, for I was able to bring forth any sort of special. It isn't the best thing on earth, but it is very merry or happy, and I hope you enjoy it. Please review if you liked it! ... ... ... Heck, review even if you didn't like it. Warning: If you aren't open to blasphlemy, I wouldn't suggest reading this. Not that it's very bad, but if you're a die-hard Christian, you may be offended.
It was the talk of the Gryffindor students at Hogwarts; the Marauders were going to put on a play on Christmas Eve. It was supposed to be serious for once, but everyone doubted it. Anytime the Marauders took the time to rehearse something it was always a crazy spin off of what they were trying to explain. A month or two ago they put on a skit about why Americans celebrated Thanksgiving. It was completely different from the real reason or the small plays little American children put on at that time of year. It ended up with James and Sirius starting a very large corn-and-turkey fight in the middle of the common room. One could only imagine how they would butcher the birth of Christ.
Sirius was dressing himself up in an old-fashioned robe that he'd found in James's attic over the summer. It once belonged to James's great-great-great Aunt Gertrude and it fit Sirius surprisingly well. Remus, James, and Peter were laughing at their friend dressed up in ancient clothes that had been made for a woman. James had even been able to get a-hold of a bra that Sirius put on and stuffed. To say the least, he was a very tacky version of the Virgin Mary.
James was dressed in shabby robes that they had also found in his attic over the summer. He held a shepherd's cane that was taller than he was. At the moment he was using it for support at the sight of his best mate cross-dressing. Sirius scowled, claiming that someone had to be Mary, and since Lily refused he was the only one man enough to do it. The role of Mary was obviously more respected than the role of Joseph. Although, James did make a...dashing...Joseph.
Remus and Peter were dressed up in fancy robes that had been made from the scarlet curtains around the four-poster beds in the Boys' Dormitory and two golden tapestries that had just happened to fall down a few days before Christmas Eve. What luck for the Marauders, no? They were holding small packages that happened to be (supposedly) empty. They looked very elegant next to the shabbiness of 'Joseph and Mary.'
Soon the skit was going to start and they went down to the common room. James, Remus, and Peter started to set up the 'stable' that was made out of a broken bed end that they had found a few months ago in a secret storage space, and a bright pink doll crib. James had abducted this from his mother, along with the doll that went to it. It was a porcelain doll with a big red dress on it, but it was the best thing they could get to be Christ. Sirius wasn't helping set up; he was giving a word to the rather large crowd gathered around. "Okay, so we decided that we were going to re-enact the birth of Jesus Christ. We had a little trouble finding parts of our set, so some things may not look right... Anyway, this is the real reason we celebrate Christmas. First, I, Sirius Black, am playing the Virgin Mary." There were a few snickers and some jokes made about his virginity between the gossiping girls who liked to keep themselves busy with his non-existent sex life. "Joseph will be portrayed by the one and only James Potter. Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew play the roles of the wise men. We hope that you thoroughly enjoy our take on this classic story, and may the Spirit of Christmas be with you. The skit will begin in a few moments."
Sirius turned back to his friends and started to set up a few of the cardboard cutouts of the animals that were supposed to be in the scene. Finally, they started the skit. Everyone hushed as Sirius knelt by the crib and James stood behind him. The skit went a little bit like this:
MARY (Sirius): Oh, look at our lovely child, Joseph!
JOSEPH (James): You mean your lovely child; I had nothing to do to help bring forth this child.
MARY: I've already told you that Randy had nothing to do with it... Don't you ever listen to the angels that come to you in your dreams?
JOSEPH: Yeah, yeah, whatever. So, we're calling this child Jesus, right?
MARY: Jesus? What kind of crap name is that!? I was thinking that we'd call her Sandy Clause.
JOSEPH: But... My last name isn't Clause, and neither is yours. My last name is Smith. Who is this Clause guy?
MARY: You're much too paranoid. This is a holy child who will bring peace, joy, and the occasional lump of coal to all of the world.
JOSEPH: Now who listens to his dreams, huh?
MARY: I always listen to my dreams. Actually, that reminds me that I have to tell you something very important about that stain in your other robes...
(Cut off by the entrance of the WISE MEN. They come in and bow to the child, MARY, and JOSEPH. It is very important-looking.)
Remus looked a little worried; this wasn't at all what they practiced. He knew should have expected this sort of thing out of Sirius and James, but he'd decided to ignore the bad feeling. Remus started up with his rehearsed line.
WISE MAN #1 (Remus): Dear woman and kind sir, please accept our gifts of...
(Cut off by MARY.)
MARY: Oi, aren't there supposed to be three of you?
WISE MAN #2 (Peter): Er...well... the other one...er...
WISE MAN #1: The other one died in a freak camel accident because of his blasphemy. We saved the Myrrh he was going to bring, though...
WISE MAN #2: Yeah, and I brought you some gold and...er... Charles, my fellow...er...wise man, brought you frankincense.
JOSEPH: Who are you two?
MARY: Oh, they're old friends, but... You didn't bring the chips!? I thought we had a deal!
JOSEPH: Wait a second... Do either of you know a Clause?
(Pause)
Remus finally gave up on his hope of a normal skit that would enlighten the (now roaring) audience. He rolled his eyes and helped officially mess up the whole thing.
WISE MAN #1: Yeah, I'm Clause. Charles Clause, that's me. Why? Who are you?
JOSEPH: Oh, I'm only Mary's husband! No one important.
WISE MAN #1: Okay, then.
JOSEPH: Mary! This isn't even cool. You could have told me, but noooo... You had to let him come, didn't you? Look! This baby looks nothing like me.
MARY: (muttering) She doesn't look like me either...
WISE MAN #2: I dunno, she looks like she might have your eyes.
JOSEPH: And who are you? Another lover?
WISE MAN #2: Er... Well, my name is Vincent van Harbenchalt... I went to school with Mary and...er...
JOSEPH: I'm going to kill you both!
WISE MAN #1: Wait! Er... accept our gifts first. We have gold and frankincense and myrrh. Here!
(The WISE MEN hand over their boxes. MARY takes a gift and opens it. A fake snake pops out at HER and SHE shrieks.)
MARY: What are you trying to do, kill me!?
JOSEPH: Wouldn't that be a relief?
MARY: Shut up, you bastard. I thought you were going to kill them?
JOSEPH: Oh, yeah. (lunges at the WISE MEN and starts to jab at with HIS cane)
As the background fighting was going on (Remus was shielding himself with a cardboard animal), Sirius stepped forward and addressed the audience again. "There you have it, folks. Mary and Joseph stayed together, but she was no longer considered a virgin and he was always drinking. The wise men went on to hang around in bars and stuff like that, as usual. The four met each other again when young baby Sandy Clause turned eighteen, and they ended up trying to kill each other. Sandy married to a fat guy who drank a lot and had a whole bunch of babies, all with different last names. The wise men were killed at the age of sixty in a gang fight, and Joseph finally beat Mary to death. Joseph became a pedophile and is now in jail for the rest of his life. Thank you for watching, and please enjoy your Christmas."
With those words said, Sirius ran into the scene and started to wrestle James and Remus to the ground. Peter stood far away from them, defending himself with the doll, holding it upside down by its right leg. The crowd dispersed, laughing at the Marauders. Well, they had predicted correctly; nothing the Marauders did was ever serious. Who knew what story they would butcher next...?