It's all insane, everything's insane.. WHAT- no; WHY/ HOW, and you tilt your head up to the sky and feel the stars dancing on your skin. You catch one of the dancing stars on your tongue. What's it doing snowing in the middle of April? You wonder. Is it just so frozen that every things become frozen? What was it like? You muse, lifting the bottle of amber liquid to your lips. You're not drunk, you feel certain.. But you're definitely a little bit tipsy. Was it worth it? You wonder.
Lily Evans has managed to push open the door to the astronomy tower, but you're not sure how she managed to do that amazing feat. Hell, you barely managed it! But then, you're not quite thinking straight. Lily's shaking you now, a curl of her red hair falls into your face.
"Come on, you're freezing out here! Sirius." What are words? Are they the answers to our problems? No, but you wish they were. Or that they didn't exist at all. And now Lily's succeeded in dragging you to your feet. You're six steps away from the door, now three. You wonder why she cared, you fucked up everything. You fucked up EVERYTHING, and now you don't know how to fix it. You don't deserve caring, you don't deserve anything good in this world. You still haven't said a word to Lily, you think that she thinks you're insane or not capable of speech.
You haven't said anything in hours. At first, you were too afraid, thought if you opened your mouth, you'd lose it. Now you just wonder if you can. "Lily?" Your voice cracks. Broken. How you feel. She half turns, her swinging scarlet hair a beacon in the dim candlelight. For a moment you're fixated on the gleaming beauty of it, a wall of shimmering crimson. You're staring. It's alright though, it's just Lily. Your best friend. Does she mind that you're staring? No, probably not. But now she's opening that pretty pink cupids bow mouth of hers, and even though you're not extremely attracted to girls, you still like that mouth.
She's close to you, close enough to kiss. Thirty seconds into your little stare down, because yes, she's definitely glaring, you catch a glimpse of the candlelight flickering on the walls and swing your shaggy black head towards the wall. Your eyes catch on the glimpse of light dancing amidst the shadows, and for the first time in hours, you almost feel like it is okay to let your feelings into the open. She sighs, asks, "Sirius? Are you ever going to talk about it?" "What is there to say? I screwed up. I get it. Nothing can fix this. I know. I can't even apologize. No one would understand. Hell, I don't even understand."
You slump down against the wall, refusing to meet her eyes. You just want to forget. That's what you were trying to do, with the firewhiskey and the snow. She understands what you cannot say, and her green eyes glance at the carpeted floor. Her voice is quiet, barely able to be heard over the storm outside, "Have you talked to James?" "James isn't speaking to me," You say. "Why would he want to talk to someone who has ruined everything?" Those lashes, black and dark and thick; the ones all the girls would kill for, flutter closed over your eyes.
You lean your head back against the wall, grateful for the solidity. You're only granted a brief minute of respite before the images flash through your mind; you, pushing Remus up against a wall, your mouth meeting his. He was frozen for a moment after that kiss, before he started kissing you back, you think. Oh, god. You can almost feel one of his hands cupping your cheek, as your hands slip to the hem of his shirt and disappear. You can nearly feel the warm smoothness of his abs, taste the cinnamon and mint that is Remus, and how he smells. Imagine the way his tongue circles around yours, as he nips at your bottom lip. You break away, just to kiss down his jawline, and biting right along his neck, in that spot you always have had the urge to nibble ever since you knew what nibbling was. The biting caused this, you think.
You never should have kissed him in the first place, you should have buried the desire deep, deep below the dark and never thought of it again. Never mind that you've wanted to kiss him since you were fourteen, and knew what kissing was. You knew it was wrong. Boys shouldn't kiss boys. Boys shouldn't have feelings for other boys. It's wrong, everyone says, it's wrong. Lily crouches down next to you, whispering. "Sirius, it's okay to be afraid. It's okay to have feelings and be terrified of them. I'm going to tell you a secret, okay?"
You open your eyes for a second, meeting hers. "The summer I was fifteen, I fell in love. With a muggle girl. Her name was Callie, she was beautiful. Everyone said it was wrong, but Callie. She told me that nothing that felt so real and right could be wrong. She told me that even though I was terrified of how my family would react, my friends, that the only thing that was worth living for was love. And love would always be worth it. We didn't last, of course, or I wouldn't be dating James now. And I love James too. Sirius, go for what feels right. Even if you think you've screwed everything up, your friendship with Remus, hell, even your friendship with James, I swear you haven't. Your friends will always support you with whatever you do. And Remus will be willing to talk this over with you, and maybe he even feels the same way you do. Judging by the way I hear he kissed you back, I'd make a bet he's not as straight as it appears, and you should just try." You're silent all through Lily's speech, and when she finishes you look at the ground. "But it's wrong. Everyone says it's wrong." "Love is never wrong. Now, let's get you to bed. How about staying in the room of requirement, so you don't have to face them tonight? You can talk to them all in the morning."
She pulls you to your feet, and walks you down two flights of stairs and through a corridor, then behind a tapestry through a passageway. Finally, she paces back and forth three times, then a door appears. She tugs on the doorknob, and you both step through the door. She points towards the bed, and says, "Sleep. It will all be better in the morning." You obey, sliding between the sheets. You close your mind and heart off, then sink down into the fuzzy layers of sleep. Distantly you think that you hear Lily telling you that love is never wrong.. and then you're gone.