A/N: One reviewer expressed his wish that I make more stories like Who Was My Mother. I hope that this will be enough. Just so you know, this is before she gets pregnant. Enjoy. I cried while writing this. And It changes song at one point. First it is "When you're gone," and then it changes to, "I Get Lonely," and then back to the first one. Just to clear that up.
When You're Gone, I Get lonely
He's gone again. My Ani, my husband, my only love, is gone again.
Anakin and I are illegally married. Nobody wants us together. Jedi are forbidden from attachments like ours, and Senators are not to engage their bodyguards. Nevertheless, we were joined together in Naboo, at the very place where we shared our first kiss. I could never ever forget how he gently stole my innocence later on that night. I could never give myself to anyone. He, who was a virgin himself, proved to me that he is much more skilled than Obi-Wan gave him credit for. (Then again, how could he? He knew nothing of what went on in my bedroom.) Now, Anakin has been sent on another mission for the Clone War, and he's been gone for three weeks. I cry every night for him, wishing on every star to bring him back to me.
I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd
Need you there when I cried
It's funny. There was once a time when all I wanted was to be left alone. There never seemed to be enough time for that. I was always being called for meetings (I still am) and no one wanted to hear of my personal sorrows and tears. When Anakin came back into my life, I realized I could pour all of my emotions into his ears, and he would still be there. Now, to be by myself is agony.
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side
Three weeks? It feels like three months. Sometimes I think it's been three years. Every hour drags by like a turtle is trying to pull it by a string to the other side of the road. I feel so bored and useless without Anakin there for me to love in every way possible. I stare at the side of the bed that he sleeps on. I take care not to mess it up when I fall asleep at night. I know it's stupid, but I feel it is my duty as his wife to keep it the way it was for when he returns to me. IF he returns to me.
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
He never knows, but I watch his back every time he walks away to his speeder, counting the steps he takes. This time it was only sixteen, as he was running late. I watched him run outside in a hurry, breathing hard, and still dizzy with sleep. But he gave me a bittersweet, tender kiss of farewell, that seemed to last for a lifetime, and yet could not last long enough. Even then, that kiss gave me the hope and strength I need to keep me going until I meet his lips again.
I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
Lately I cannot do a simple chore, like going to the fresher, without thinking of how I caught Anakin in there, washing his face before bedtime. I can't even open the closet without thinking of when he threw the doors open to pick out his Jedi suit. I have never been so under control before. I am no longer in charge of how I feel or what I do. Ani is now living in my muscles, conducting them to do what not. This isn't fair.
The clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do
I never took his pajamas off the floor that he ripped off as we made love the night before he left. They let me pretend for a while that he's still around, just in the shower, or coming home late. I pick them up and hold it to my face, inhaling his unique scent. He doesn't even wear cologne, Every time I smell him, I smell the sweat of past mission, his breath, which is never unbearable, and the oils he applies to his body to keep it moist. It is a soothing mixture most of the time, but now it brings tears to my eyes. I want to smell him from his neck, from his lips, not from his clothes, which he isn't even wearing right now.
We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
How could I have been so blind all those weeks we were first in Naboo? Pushing him away like that! We were meant to be together. My heart fits perfectly into his, like two puzzle pieces finally being joined. We will always and forever be. This I know for certain. And I know that Ani feels the same way. He told me so, long ago, in his confession of loving me…I was a fool to deny him. But we are together now, and nothing, not even war, that change that.
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breath
I need to feel you here with me
But how can I put everything I feel for him into words? It's more complicated than it sounds in my head. Sometimes he asks me what I am a bout to say, and I have to think quick to avoid being humiliated. Of course, I know he would never laugh at me, but I have to say this right. As soon as I try to speak, I remember his powerful words the night he asked me to enter a relationship. Suddenly, my words are feeble and worthless. I cannot breath anymore! I must-I must-feel the pleasure of his arms wrapped around me, holding me close, making me feel protected and small. Only then can I let my "Senator" guard down and finally feel like the human with feelings I cannot show. Even the very sight of him next to me would do.
Sitting here by the phone
Call and say that you're okay
So that I have the chance to beg you to stay
I wish he would call me. I know he can't there is no way of communications between them. I know he must be suffering without me; I may be no Jedi, but I can feel it. Bonds of marriage, you know. Maybe if he called, I could plead with him to come back, sneak away from all the turmoil, and comfort me for eternity. This will never, ever be. I know he must fight, for the sake of our Republic, for freedom and democracy. If he was to return to me, we would be forever doomed.
Fell asleep late last night
Crying like a newborn child
Holding myself close, pretending my arms are yours
I want no one but you
Tonight, I hold myself close in bed, no longer caring about the other side of it., shivering with cold and tears. I try to imagine my arms are Ani's but his are more warm than mine could ever be. Damn. How could anyone have the hold on my heart this tight? I hope he knows I will never ever cheat on him. I want no other man. Not even Obi-Wan Kenobi. A great friend he is of mine…but more of a godfather-like figure in my eyes.
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear
To always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you
Does he know that when he is gone, my fragile heart fractures into pieces, begging for him to heal them? That when he is away, my house is missing the one thing that makes it complete, as a home. That when he is not here, with me, all the words I have to hear to fortify my spirit, are not around, and make me weak? I miss my Ani! So much!
Wait? Who is in the shadows? A tall figure, muscled and slim, is approaching my room! I clutch my sheets in fear. Please, let it be Ani…Oh goodness. The figure has entered the moonlight. I know that hair, that smile…it is Anakin Skywalker! He has returned! He shrugs off his cloak, and removes his tunic, so that all he wears is black sweats. He jumps onto the bed, smiling, as I throw my arms around him, sobbing with joy. My heart, once again, is back into one piece! He wraps his arms around me protectively, hold me closer as we kiss. I smell him clearly now, and I am overcome with longing and passion and love. He wipes away my tears and I massage his cheeks.
Before he can say anything else, I pour out everything I have felt while he was gone, and what my love for him means. Every word works well with what I am feeling. His blue eyes water, and when I am finished, he holds me tight, making me warm and content again.
And then we make love once more.
I miss you