Until I Tell You To Speak

Chapter One

Voulez-vous danser avec moi?

I feel him everywhere.

I feel him when I breathe, everywhere I move... And I-I know I shouldn't. I know that that is a bad thing, but I can't shake this feeling of dread. My life seems so much better when I think of him. I close my eyes and grit my teeth, because when I close them without dreaming, I see him there. Smiling at me. It feels so warm, and when I reach out towards him I start to smile because honestly, I don't know what else to do but smile. He's the only person on this entire planet that can make me feel this way. Should I treasure that forever? Should I ignore him? It took me eight years. Eight Goddamn fucking years to find someone that I felt so madly about. And even now... Even now when I'm obviously on my last leg I can't admit to the feelings I hold for him. I guess... I guess this is all in vain then. If there is a God, does he want me to be happy? If Zed really loved me, would he want me to be happy? All I ask... All I ask is for someone to love me.

Someone to love me... It's amazing, the comfort and security one feels when they know they have someone who loves them. When they're not afraid to love them back because they're them. Nothing can change who they are. I never had that feeling. My whole life I've been subjected to madness. I've been thrown in the worst of the worst and honestly, I can't define what love is with a straight fucking face. This is all my fault, I realize, but I didn't wish this fucked up shit on myself, right? Right? It doesn't matter. What happened happened, and I'm not Summoner of Time. I wouldn't make a good one anyway. I'm nothing but a sniveling fucking coward who runs from every responsi-fucking-bility that she has. Does that make me less than dirt? Does that somehow redeem me? Me being a coward... Is that the only reason why I've lived so long? Why I've lived long enough to tell a story?

I want to make stories with him.

I want to let the world know... Let everyone know how happy I am. I want to paint the sky so many different colors, colors that I've only seen in my dreams. Just to have him touch me, hold me, tell me that he thinks of me everyday... That's my only wish. If I just had that, then I'd die happy. ...Every time I think of him my eye starts tearing up, but I guess that's natural. I was the idiot. I ran away. I could never go back to him with this fucking—argh—with this liar's face! I'm not fit to be in the eyes of anyone. I betrayed my kingdom, and I fucking betrayed everyone that lives in it. That makes me a bad person, right? That makes me a bad judge of character, right? I find myself asking these stupid, random questions everyday. What would life be like if I just let him love me? That question is always the hardest, because I don't know if he loves me.

Maybe he does, but not in the right way?

That snot-nose brat of a man has always been hard to read. So very hard to read... I could never do it. He... He's smarter than he lets on and he might know more about me than I know myself. While I don't have the answers to these questions, I know he does. I know Zed's standing over me, smirking at me, dangling them over my head and daring me to snatch them out of his hands. When I think about it like that, I start snarling. I want to kill him. I want to see him cut open all over the ground. I want to destroy him in every way possible, and yes it makes my body pulsate with joy. The thought makes me happy because he fucking deserves it! How dare he play with my heart like it's not there! How dare he disregard my fucking feelings! I don't like to be teased, and I most fucking definitely don't like to be played with and he knows that.

He... Knows that.

I blink and shuffle my hands on top of my desk.

If he knows that what he does pisses me off to the end of the Earth, then why does he do it? Because the only thing I understand is pain? He might be right. I do all of this stupid shit, and for what? A chance to see him smirk at me one more time? I shake my head, realizing how much that thought makes me sick to my stomach. I would do anything for him, and he knows it. I'd give up my name if it meant hearing him coo it one more time. If it meant him acknowledging his presence.

It's hard.

It's hard not being around him anymore.

I bang my fist across the desk, gritting my teeth and breaking out into a cold sweat. I just want to be happy! In the end, isn't that what every human being wants? Why does everything have to be fucked up with me? I can't have a decent family, I can't love like I want to because I don't fucking even understand it...! I can't have friends, because they either stab me in the back or abandon me... And I don't want to look like a stupid idiot shouting out for them. I don't want to have another mental breakdown, crying in the middle of the Science Department recollecting on the past events. What if... What if I stopped everything before they spiraled out of control? What if I was there? And if I was there, what if I game it my all? What if I stopped bullshiting and actually tried to be a hero? Actually tried to save the world!

I can feel a lump trying to form in my throat.

All of that can be summed into one question. What if I tried to be a stupid-ass?

Being a stupid-ass is much better than being a looser who couldn't even save the people she holds dear. It eats at me everyday. Despite my constant angsting over wanting to see that blue-haired fuckwad, I have a real job now. Since Aysel's dead thanks to Apathīa, and Renata's presumed dead because she just up and vanished... I have absolutely no one to protect. Having no one to protect means getting a new job. My first thought was to come work at the Science Department. I hadn't realized how fucking irritating everyone is in this place! People bounce around with no care in the world, happy to learn about science. Like science is going to help change their lives. Like science is going to mend their broken relationships. Like science... Ha! Like we automatically owe something to fucking SCIENCE! Don't get me wrong, I love science. It's been the only thing I can count on.

God?

Fuck God.

I've never met a God. I have met science. And science is more of a reliable bastard than God will ever be.

My heart starts to burn a little bit because... I really do miss the castle. I miss my spacious room in it, and I miss my laboratory. The plan was to stay in the castle for as long as I could, but plans don't always work out like that. Zed actually killed Saivan. No bullshit, I was there when it happened. My mouth stayed agape for the entire thing. I-I didn't know Zed could fight so well. I had never seen him fight with a sword, and yet he plucked one out of a guard's hand and fucked someone up with it. I was... Stuck. I don't want to say stuck as much as I want to say shocked. He did everything so well... I don't think Zed even skipped a beat. His plan was laced with so much care that by the time he struck Saivan to death—gracefully, might I add. Zed doesn't do messy deaths, I've noticed. And even if he kills someone he tries to do it with as little struggle as he can possibly manage—that I knew we were going to have a new ruler.

What the FUCK actually happened to Renata?

My thoughts reel, and the logical explanation would be that she contracted Apathīa from Aysel. Aysel had it. Zed had given her the strain in her food a while ago. That was so well played. I mean, Aysel… That bitch. She trusted Zed so much. He was her right hand man. And he took advantage of that trust. With Saivan dead, Zed pulled out a paper and waved it in my face. Teased me. I wasn't at all bothered by the teasing. My body was unable to move, but my fingers were trembling. This absolute batshit man was waving a flimsy paper in my face… I couldn't pay attention to that fucking thing. Between him removing his blood-stained glove and grabbing the paper out of Saivan's desk, I think I lost it. I didn't mean to, of course, but when you're hit with so much shit in the span of a few minutes, your brain tends to fail on you.

It's actually a science that it does that.

It's been proven.

Anyway. I was too busy looking at the speck of blood staining the side of his beautiful, porcelain face to care what was written on the paper. Zed looked happy. Ecstatic. He didn't give a shit about killing a man. But… He pulled the look off flawlessly. There should have been some sort of… Emotional discharge… Some kind of physical response. That bitch should have started to involuntary shake or something. The body has a natural outlet to release traumatic feelings. … That didn't happen to him. He took killing a man that he was close with very well. It was fucking scary. I wanted to get out of the room. I wanted to get the fuck away from him that instant.

That's when I started screaming at the top of my lungs.

I can't remember what I started yelling at him. I just remember screaming at him until my voice went hoarse. He wasn't even human anymore. He was a monster. Heh. Zed just thought it was amusing, my screaming. He kept going on and on about how I didn't help him kill Saivan. Hear that? He thought I would have jumped in to help him kill Saivan.

My King!

No matter how much of a fuck up Saivan was, I wasn't going to betray my country, I—! Yeah. That's right. Saivan had already betrayed his own people, but I wasn't going to assist Zed in that mindless man slaughter. Oh… I can remember the look on that fucktwat's face. He was tickled pink at my screaming and yelling. So amused… So terribly amused. And then he stopped dangling the paper in front of me with his pretty fingertips. That's when he told me what it was.

It was a document saying that if the royal family was to fall, Zed had a right to the thrown, as the right hand man of both Aysel and Saivan.

I-I… Almost fell out well he declared that. Which wouldn't have been a good thing. Zed's a chesty motherfucker—I didn't trust him around me when I was conscious—imagine what he would do to me if I had fallen out in front of him? After that… Well… I left. I ran away. I couldn't stand being in his presence. I couldn't stand the thought of… Within all of that madness, what did he do it for? What did he kill so many people for? What was the reason for his quest to become king? I don't know. I'll never find out.

King Zed.

It sounds so out of place.

I better get used to saying it, unfortunately.

I sigh, putting my hand on my desk. I'll never get used to saying his name like that. He's not my king. He'll never be my king, he'll never—

"Howdy, Lucrecia! How's it going? Are you going over you plans for the evening?" I lift my head up, trying to fight off a fucking mammoth of a headache. It's just Professor Ever. Her layered, shoulder-length blonde hair bounces with every irritating move she makes—I know she sees how bloodshot red my eye is. She probably already assumes I've been crying all day. Perhaps I have been bawling all day. I don't know. This is my second month working at the Science Department. If anything, the Professor should know how to read me. Her lab-coat isn't very long. It stops around her mid-thigh, but she wears a very very flouncy, knee-length skirt under it. She wears a pink blouse, too. Typical scientist attire. It shows that she actually cares what other people think about her. She can't be like me, obviously.

How would that look if the fucking head of the Science Department dressed like a scantily-clad bitch?

I used to wish I was the head Professor. Professor Lucrecia. It has a nice ring to it.

Now I realize that she has a rightful claim to that name. She deserves to be called the Professor. The work I've seen her do is absolutely phenomenal. I shake my head, stretch my arms over my desk, and put on a smile. The creepy part about all of this is that I've been smiling a lot lately. Maybe it's a defense mechanism? I don't know. I've been so fucking confused that I don't know the difference between a frown or a smile. Professor Ever is generally worried about me. She walks over to my desk, tilts her head, and then frowns. "Lu… Lu, if you're still feeling sick, you know you don't have to come here constantly…" Bullshit. I need a job, right? Professor Ever stands up straight, straightening out of her lab-coat. She doesn't have any idea about this shit. She doesn't know what constantly whizzes through my head. She doesn't know any-fucking-thing about me. And neither does anyone else.

That's why she thinks I'm sick. She thinks I have some kind of post-traumatic stress disorder.

Get real. I know all about mental illnesses. I know all about mental breakdowns. I might be on the verge of having one, but I'm not crying. "No. No no no no no," I murmur, prodding my desk with my fingertips. "Professor Ever, don't get in my fucking business. I'm absolutely fine." Despite having a huge grin on my face, I curse at her? No wonder she thinks I'm crazy. Professor Ever is so used to my fowl language that she doesn't care. Everyone in the Dark Ages knows that I have a filthy mouth. I sigh, shaking my head. "I'm going to have fun tonight." I say that, but what kind of fun will I have? Zed and I… We could have had everything together. We could have been fucking happy! H-how the fuck does he feel about this? Is this eating up at him too? He probably doesn't care. He's having too much fun rewriting the Dark Age's fucking rules. He's… Having the time of his life, with women that don't even know his last name.

King Zed.

I fucking HATE that name!

That's not the man I fell in love with, I—

"Woah, Lu, calm down!" Professor Ever insists, wearing a goofy smile. Heh. That makes me laugh. Only a little bit. "I'm glad you're going to the Science Department's ball in the main hall. Seriously, we need more famous scientists like you. So many people look up to you. You're a war hero, you know that?" Fuck people. I don't like people. Why the hell do people look up to me? I haven't done shit to save this kingdom, and people are still dying from Apathīa. I've found a slight cure… It stops the progression of Apathīa from traveling through the body too quickly, but people still die. I can't get my head around the strain. It's… Maybe if I keep trying at it—! I put a look of determination on my face and Professor Ever gives me a curt nod. She knows why I'm looking the way I am. She knows what I'm feeling passionate about. Certainly not that twat of a king that can't even chase after me. He wouldn't have to chase after me if I didn't run away like a coward! Seriously, I'm switching through my emotions so fast that my face can't seem to pick one.

I bet it looks like a contorted mass of vomit to her.

People shouldn't look up to me. They should think I'm a monster for handing over their kingdom…!

"I um…" I say, my eye glancing over my office. My office isn't really decorated like I would want it to be. If I had my way, it'd be covered in pictures of Zed because I love him so damn much. I left my heart with that man. And if not that, I left so many fucking fragments of it with him. He can't deny me of happiness can he? Maybe he found someone else. Maybe I should stop waiting for him, because I know that fuckwad isn't waiting for me! I'll go out tonight, find me a man, and show him what love really is. But if I did that, I'd only be trying to fill the void that Zed's supposed to fill, right? I'd feel disgusting afterwards. I'd feel incomplete. I'd feel like a slut. A whore. But before I took his hand and trapped my father and the Summoners in that alternate dimension, I was his whore… And I embraced the title fully. That sounds like a load of shit… I shouldn't be happy about something like that, but the reality is that I am. I'm crazy about him. So crazy… "Professor Ever, I'm going to dance my heard out."

She jumps in the air a little bit and it scares me. Sometimes I forget just how animate and cheery she is. "That's the spirit! Now I want you to have fun, Lucrecia. You deserve nothing but the funnest of fun there is." She wags her index-finger in my face, touching the tip of my nose. The only me would have flinched and growled at her. The old me would have tore a piece of her face off with my teeth.

The old me was a hero.

"Honovi's in the lab right now working on that cure you made. Well, it's not a full-blown cure, but you came the closest anyone has with trying to cure Apathīa, you know that?" Of course I fucking know that. Why else would so many people look up to me? Zed's snake-ass probably knows the cure and doesn't want to tell anyone. I bet he believes in that shit Julian spewed about people living by survival of the fittest. Argh! It makes me so fucking mad that I can't read this man! Why the fuck can't I read Zed! I can read everyone else…! Without thinking, I slam my mechanical hand into my desk and accidentally break it in half. That bitch Professor Ever lets out a yelp and jumps on the other side of the room, like I'm going to get up and snatch her heart out of her chest. I don't have any reason to. She's my friend.

I think…

But then I've killed my friends before. Cecelia. Issaru.

Issaru…

"You… Aheheheh!" She scratches the back of her head and then twirls on her heels. She's going to be at the ball as well. I don't know if I'll be able to see her, especially since she's so fucking short. It's hilarious. I have to literally look down to be able to make eye-contact with my bitch. But hey, that woman's my boss. It's wise to keep the boss happy, though I've never seen Professor Ever sad. "You've really got to learn how to control that temper, Lu! You'll scare everyone away at the ball." I stand up, looking at the damage I've done to my desk. The nameplate flew across the room and my papers are now all scattered on the ground.

Fuck paperwork.

I've been doing paperwork my whole life.

This shit I have to do at the Science Department? This shit is nothing compared to the paperwork I had to do at the castle. Though I still dissect living corpses here… I kind of miss torturing people for Aysel's amusement. While it wasn't the easiest and funnest thing to do because of people always fucking screaming all the time, it was nice, you know? Very nice… My chest starts to pulsate again and I touch it. I'm so fucking homesick and confused. I'm so… "I'll see you down there in a couple of minutes, right Professor Ever?" I yawn and stretch, slumping my shoulders over. Now I have to go and put on my dress. Joy. "Better hurry or you're going to be late. What is a Science Department ball without the head Professor?"

"And how!" she answers back, closing her eyes and giggling. "I've got to pull Honovi out of the lab. She's going whether or not she likes it or not. I will drag her bottom out and throw her in a dress if I have to!" A wink, and then a turn. Now she looks serious. I breathe a bit through a nose. There goes that look of dripping concern for me again. It's like she doesn't think I'm sane enough to be left alone. "Lucrecia, you do know what your job at the Science Department is, right?" Of course I did. And I didn't like it. Not one bit. "My job, as head Professor, is to serve the king no matter what." She grins a smile full of pearly whites. I stare at her. Is she trying to prove a point? Tease me about how emotional I am about Zed becoming king? "I didn't get to serve Saivan when he was king—I felt cheated, ahaha! But I feel like I'll strike gold with King Zed here!" He's about as nice to other people as a lion is to a deer. But nobody knows that.

Nobody but me.

I know I lot of things that I shouldn't, and it kills me. I don't want to know all of the stuff I do, but I just… It won't go away, no matter how much I try to push the facts to the back of my mind! I WANT repressed memories. Anything… Anything to get rid of this fucking guilt! "You're going to have fun here in the Science Department, Lu. I promise you that." With that said, she bounces out of my office with a strange pep in her step. "I think you're going to be ecstatic tonight! It's gonna be good my friend!" She yells that through the hallway and I can hear her clearly. How the fuck does she figure I'm going to love it here? Whatever. I swallow and then I shake my head. If only I could forget. Forget about everything.

Okay, what the fuck am I doing? This isn't me. Standing here and crying over spilled milk isn't me! I want to bang on my desk, but whoops! That thing has already kinda sorta collapsed under the force of my mechanical arm. I look at the black heap of metal and scowl. I don't fucking like it. I don't like my arm because it's so rough. My fingers are razor sharp and I can fuck someone's face up with these things... While my arm does prove to be useful in some situations, it doesn't do anything but bring stupid memories back. I used to strangle the shit out of Zed with this hand. These hands. And I'd enjoy doing it because that bastard deserved to be strangled. I'm surprised no one has threatened to beat his ass yet. Assassinate him.

They all think he's the perfect candidate for the new king.

The crowd loves him.

He has excellent sex appeal, and he has a frightening way with words. He could tell you you're a bird for shits and giggles and you'll believe it, because there's just something about his voice that backs up his claim. Scary. Fucking scary. I wave my arm across the air and teleport in flash. It's becoming strangely easy to use my focal energy now. I mean, I used to have excellent control over it, but ever since Zed went totally batshit and started telling me shit about his plans, I think my mental focal power has actually gotten stronger as a result. If my focal energy is stronger, then my strength and stamina are better too. That's why I just split my desk in half without thinking. I'm a literal death machine in every sense of the word. I should wear a sign that says, "Don't fuck with me. Or else I'll castrate you."

The blue light engulfs my body, and in a flash I'm gone.

My room in the Science Department is bigger than the one I had at the castle. Which isn't all that astounding. I've been living my life in luxury ever since I was a little girl. My dad was famous, I never knew my mother... I worked for the Science Department. I've had many jobs here. Being promoted and getting this big room just tickles me. I find it so fucking amusing. I'm a scientist now. I'm not a body guard or a fucking lab rat. I'm Lucrecia, a scientist at the Science Department. How cliche. Why can't I just be normal? Again, I notice how bare the walls to my room is. I notice the queen-sized bed—it's just pops out at me. It's not a different color than everything else.

White.

Everything in my room is white.

I want to pain it blue, just like the color of his hair...

Urgh. I'm thinking about him again. Truthfully, this dance is not enough to make me feel happy. This... This dance isn't enough to fill the hole in my head. My arms feel heavy. It feels like I'm slugging around two strings of spaghetti. I don't like this. I don't like feeling like I'm carrying around dead weight. It's stupid. Fucking stupid...! I shake my head, trying to calm myself down. Unless someone shows me Zed, I don't think I'll ever be happy. Working for him and his name isn't enough. I-I just...

I'm an emotional wreck.

I can't believe I let a man fuck up my mind this much.

And... And... So what if I want him?

I want him around me so bad... So badly that I'll...? I unzip my bustier and throw my ballroom dress on top of my bed. It's beautiful. The dress will hug my body very nicely, and it has a bunch of sequins and diamonds on it. It's made for pure jewels. It must have cost Professor Ever an arm and a leg, but I doubt she cares. Anything to see her best scientist happy. The truth is that I'll never be happy. Unless she has found some kind of fucked up way to erase memories... I did it! I doomed those Summoners and their Guardian! Fuck, what kind of person am I? I have feelings—but what the fuck was I thinking when I took Zed's hand? When I kissed him and told him that I'd go along with him? I-i didn't exactly know that he was going to go kill Saivan, but... I went with him anyway! I fucked it, it was ME. It wasn't the Summoners or Adel. They didn't deserve what I did to them. I wonder how they think of me now... They're not dead, on no. Just locked in another space for all of eternity. And they'll rot there.

Poor Summoner Sayuri. She can't even tell time in that space. That must be driving her up the fucking wall. I want to do something. I want to redeem myself. But there's only one key to that space and Zed has it. Maybe he's locked it up or destroyed it—I don't know. I really don't fucking care, either. As long as he didn't lock me up with those stupid fucking bastards...! It's kind of their fault, right? They let themselves be duped that easily! They let themselves be locked up by that insane fucking dickwad. Teh... They let themselves open. They weren't watching their backs. They were stupid. Not me. I just did what my heart wanted. I wanted to follow the man I love.

And I'll admit it!

I fucking love Zed more than I love myself.

I owe him so much.

So fucking much!

Did they honestly think I was going to kill him in order to save the fate of my world? Who knows. Maybe Zed will make everything right again. Maybe he'll do something. Fuck, what am I thinking? ... I'm going on a tangent again. Zed can't make anything better because he doesn't care about making things better. He only cares about the finer things in life. Women, gems, jewels... You know, extravagant things. I don't think I'm anything like that. All I want is for bitches to leave me the fuck alone. I don't want to be consoled! ... Then why do I like Professor Ever's company? Why do I...? I run my fingers through my hair and frown a bit. I've already taken my lab coat and skirt off—all I need to do is slip this dress over my head. It falls down to the floor, but it's really easy to walk in. It's not heavy, and the fabric is really light and flouncy. I won't get in the way, because I can lift it up with ease. That makes me feel good... Somewhat.

Why am I going to a dance again?

I don't even fucking know why.

I don't know how to ballroom danc—I do. I do know how to dance because I'd stay up all night looking up at the stars. Issaru would teach me, despite him not knowing how to dance himself. He was very cute... Once I get the dress over my head, I look at myself in the mirror. My hair tumbles over my back in luscious, brown curls. I smile.

I look in my jewelry box, put on a necklace and fix my make-up a bit. I don't wear make-up, but I guess for this one night I will. Perhaps I'll pull some guy who wants to love me. Pffft. Of course I do. People fucking lose their shit any time I show up in public. They don't know what to do when the Almighty Fighter Lucrecia walks through the street. They're throwing their shit at me—money, flowers, underwear, even—because the Great Healer Lucrecia is walking past them. I have more men that want to fuck me than Renata had. And protecting her ass was tiresome. Fucking men. Didn't they know that Renata wasn't looking for anyone to wed? That's kind of how I feel right now. I don't want to get married to anyone. Fuck that shit. And be reduced to a babbling mass of... Of... Urgh. The thought isn't a fun one. I look at the watch on the wall and—shit—the ball started about ten minutes ago. It amazes me how I can just stand here and babble about a bunch of stupid shit...

To myself.

It's not like I'm speaking to someone else in the room or anything, I'm talking to myself! Myself! I manage to waste hours of my life just recollecting. That's... Scary. I shake my head because I'm doing it again! I need to stop talking to myself. I need to pull myself together. My God, this is almost how I was when Issaru died on me. If Zed died, I'd lose it. I'd destroy this entire fucking universe, because without him I don't have anything left to live for. My life would be so fucking empty without him. If I tried to remove everything that reminded me of him, the world would be so fucking empty that God himself would have to start over. And his eyes would roll to the back of his head and he'd pretend that nothing ever happened. That's Zed for you, I guess.

I clap my hands together, fix my hair a little bit, and I let out one last sigh before I teleport out of my room. I can't be bothered to walk everywhere now. I sort of feel like Aysel. Hmph. I even miss that stupid bitch... I miss everyone. A single tear rolls down my face. I'm not sad, or excited, or even angry. I'm apathetic. Why should anyone in this fucked up world be happy when I'm miserable? I just don't understand it. I wanted to be happy. God wouldn't let me be happy.

I swear to God if I EVER find the deity that it supposed to be controlling my fate, I'm going to fuck them up so bad...!

I'm seething, but I realize that I've made it to the ball. My frown instantly goes away and I start looking around. A typical party thrown at the Science Department. Seriously, Professor Ever throws more useless parties than Zed does, and back then when everything was remotely sane he didn't throw as many stupid parties as this one. Colors are intertwining with each other... It looks good, dare I say. There's lots of pastels floating around, and party favors... Balloons are dancing around in the air. My mind sort of blocks out the surroundings and focuses on how packed this place is! Yeah, the music is pretty loud...

No. The music is so fucking loud that I can't even hear myself think!

It sort of just came on. Fucking music making me lose my place! And oh, let's not talk about everything thinking it's cool now to start dancing whenever they heard some fucking terrible-ass music. These people don't even care who they dance one. Some man grabs my hand, looks me in the eye and I gasp because I'm not sure I know him. Fuck that, I don't know him. He's a well-kept up man. He has long, brown hair that hangs down to his thigh, tied neatly in a pony-tail. And of course he's wearing gloves... My face starts to tint pink from the shock of him grabbing on my hand and he smiles. His smile is really bright—I don't know why I feel like I'm floating now, but whatever the reason is I don't fucking like it! I shouldn't be feeling like this!

"Ah, Lucrecia! What a surprise it is to see you at the ball."

He knows my name, but I don't know his name.

What the fuck.

I want to snarl. I should have been able to snarl, but I can't move the muscles in my face. Probably because my face doesn't care anymore.

I've been feeling so tired lately. I'm sure he knows I'm mad. He just doesn't care. "W-who the fuck are you!" I manage to choke out, stuttering a bit. He shrugs my curse word off, like most people tend to do these days. At least Summoner Sayuri would put up a decent fight whenever I started to curse at her profusely. Whatever. It wasn't my place to tell this man to fear me. Though he should have, because I helped a no-good traitor to power. I don't think Zed realizes how much he's fucked this universe. The universe... The universe needs the Summoners, not just our world! I want to get them out, I want to get them out! This creepy man takes advantage of my dazed state and starts twirling me across the room, holding my hand. He still refuses to tell me a name. I don't want to have to beat his ass in the middle of the ballroom but that's what it looks like is going to happen if he doesn't let me go right now! Fucking bastard!

"My name? It doesn't matter. We're colleagues! Honestly, how could you forget me?"

"Oh." I roll my eye, my body loosening up. "Makes sense. Hi Omari."

I'm still kind of pissed he didn't tell me his name. "Professor Ever told me you'd me down here and I just wanted to know what it would feel like if I dared to dace with death herself..." That's a... Very interesting assessment, that. Omari is one of Professor Ever's assistants. She has her own team, and I'm the fourth member to her cabinet. I specialize in Chemical Biology. I have no idea what Omari does. All I know is that he's supposed to be somewhat older than me. He's somewhere around my age, to be sure. He fought in the first war between the Enlightened and the garbage down in Austere, and even I don't think that war was any fucking fair. Urgh. "You look like you've got something on your mind, little lady. You want someone to talk to?" Truthfully, everyone in the Science Department were... Good people. They made me feel like I belonged somewhere. This is my home.

The lights are swirling around me in bright tones. Hues of gold and light blue tint my vision, but I don't really pay it any mind. The ball is pretty. Everyone here is pretty. I said I was going to have fun, and dammit, I'll have fun with Omari. At least I can trust him. We're both war veterans. "It's nothing that I'd want to share with just any other person," I murmur, trying to keep my voice down. And I most definitely don't want to fucking talk about it around all of these random people and faces... "It's just so uncomfortable, these feelings. I don't know where they comes from and I..." I try to lose myself in the mists of all of this dancing, but... It's hard. I'm thinking of so many things, and I keep thinking about him. I keep thinking about Zed. I keep...

"Tch, I know how you feel! Remember when we were in the lab and Pennelope dipped one of her pigtails in hydrochloric acid?"

My face drops.

Yeah, I remember that shit.

Why does she even bother anymore?

Pennelope's a new scientist on Professor Ever's team. She better be lucky she's so good in Physics, otherwise she would have been fired by now. She's a very good scientist, don't get me wrong, but she's so fucking stupid. She knocks a bunch of stuff over, and she can't fucking see. Despite wearing glasses. Urgh. She frustrates me to no end too. It's like working with a child. That isn't to say Omari's ass isn't stupid either. He has flashbacks during our work and starts losing his shit. Doing push ups out of the blue and hiding behind inanimate objects... The first time I worked with them I was so confused, but now I'm used to it. That begs the question... How the fuck didn't I notice who Omari was? Maybe it's because he has his hair in a pony-tail. He's always wearing an bandana over his head. A scarf. Just to keep it all bundled up. He doesn't like the feeling of someone being able to tug his shit and him falling down. His hair is his weakness.

Why doesn't he just chop it all off?

It makes sense.

"I don't know whether to laugh or to help her out sometimes. Does that help, Lu? Don't worry, we'll take good care of you here. The Science Department isn't at all like it was when you first went here. You can believe that." It shocks me to know Omari knows the struggles of the old Science Department. Back then, this place wasn't shit. It wasn't much, for sure. It was a hellhole. I wanted to die so many times over, and I'm sure I could have. If only Issaru'd let me. He proved to me that life was worth living. Now if Zed would stop being an insurable pussy and do the same, I wouldn't be so fucking lost right now! I don't answer Omari. Latin music is so soothing, and so I start to close my eyes a bit falling asleep.

Which would have been bad.

Omari could have decided to have one of his weird fucking flashbacks and drop on the floor.

Guess who would drop right on down with him? My dumb-ass.

That reason alone was enough to keep me awake. It was enough to keep me moving. I wouldn't let Zed get to me. I needed to purge my mind of any all and all thoughts of him. Omari let me go and I found myself spinning across the fancy floor. Heh. Bastard. I guess he was done with me then. "So sorry Lu, but a solider has to go to the bathroom. I don't know if I'll be around for the rest of the night, but you should definitely try to have as much fun as possible!" He waves his gloved-hand out towards me, butting on a slight smile. "Nobody likes a gloomy scientist."

"Bitch!" I yell out playfully, waving my own hand. "I'm going to get you back for that in the lab. Make no mistake!"

Now there's a smile in my face. It's nice to know that I can play around with someone like that. It does my soul good to know that I won't fuck up my friendship. Seriously, I have some kind of immunity in this place. Everyone loves me in the Science Department. Everyone. Everyone but...

My eyes widen.

My lips starts involuntary twitching. In fact, my entire body starts twitching. I only twitch like that when I'm thinking of Zed, but right now my jaw drops down to the floor. My eyes dilate, and I start to mentally hyperventilate. My mouth gets dry. Really dry.

The Latin music playing in the background does this moment absolutely no fucking justice. No justice at all.

I think my eye is playing tricks on me. My eye must be, because there's a man standing in front of me. He's absolutely gorgeous with an air of superiority. The black of his suit compliments the black of my ruffled dress, and looking at his face… He's extremely shocked to see me, but that smirk… That dirty, sniveling smirk is ever-present on his face. Like he's teasing me with it. How is it that he's so fucking shocked to see me and he's still smirking? What the fuck is going on here…? I can't move. He's sucking all of the willpower out of me. He hasn't allowed me to move, and we're being shafted by the people dancing around us.

King-fucking-Zed.

King FUCKING Zed.

I hate that name. And it makes me grit my teeth. After a few stupid seconds of us looking at each other, everything blows straight to hell. I've never seen Zed so pissed before. He snarls at me, I snarl right back at him, and then we step towards each other. I wanted to step on his feet, but my dress kind of wouldn't allow that shit. "Well, well, well!" My snarl fades into a smile. I don't want to scare this man off. … And I'm … Suspiciously happy to see him.

Seriously, this is all I've wanted for days.

To be in his presence.

Like always, I can't exactly read Zed. I don't know if he's happy to see me, but the faint smile that curls on his lips makes me feel good. We're both acting like that single moment of animosity never happened, even though it was long as hell. "If it isn't my dearest darling Zed," I greet, waving both of my hands out.

"Doctor!" The sound of him saying my name makes me hit the fucking ceiling fan.

My smile gets bigger—bigger than it's ever been. I love the sound of my name as it slips through his perfect lips—It's like it was made to flutter through his lips and his lips alone. "Fancy meeting you, of all people, here." Deep down, I know he only came to this party because he knew I was working here. At least, that's what I want to believe inside of my head. It's a lie, I know, but it's the most wonderful lie I have ever told myself. And damn did I not want to lose this lie. I wanted to keep it forever and ever. I wanted this lie to stay with me always. … It's unhealthy to lie to myself like this, but… I-I don't know what to do. "You look gorgeous, Doctor. Absolutely…" He trails off, his eyes softening as he examines me. Like I'm some kind of doll. His hands twitch… I think he lifted up his arm to touch me, but never really got around to it. I know he wants to, because I want to touch him, too. "You are very pretty. You look so…" I don't think he can describe the way he feels.

I keep my gameface on.

Which, of course, has been replaced by a stupid, idiotic grin.

Hearing him complimenting me… I can die happy now.

I want to shower him with praises. Congratulate him on becoming king.

My mind isn't going to let that happen. "Fuck you, Zed," I spat, every word laced in venom. He was probably watching me dance with Omari and worked his way over here. No. No. Fuck that. Fuck all of that. I'm not going to let Zed go that easy. "It's so easy for you to say I look good. Is that all you want to tell me? Because if it is, you can get lost!" I have a mind to turn on my heels and leave him there, all confused, but my body doesn't move. What the hell! I'm telling it to move, so why isn't it moving? It's because I need Zed. It's because I need Zed to survive. He knows that, and that's why he's smirking. Perhaps he missed me cursing him out to all hell.

Was that the reason he came here? To get his fucking shits and giggles in?

Woman meets man.

Woman falls in love.

Woman lets man touch places in her heart no other man has been allowed to tread.

But something isn't right.

At first woman ignored ignores the signs. But they grow louder. Woman has to confront the man she loves. Surely he will see the love she has for him. If she were queen, for him she would give half the earth. Surely he loves her back. Surely he will fix this problem.

But man lies. Again and again.

Life also happens. Woman's world starts to cave in. She needs a strong shoulder to lean on. She finds nothing. Woman and man decide to part. He has ripped her heart to shreds. Nearly years later, woman meets new man. But woman is guarded. She sometimes walks forward while still looking behind. New man sees the tear marks old man left. He cannot mend her broken heart because he's pretty batshit himself. Woman will need time and faith to do that.

Woman has nearly let go of faith.

Does that sound familiar?

It's what happens when we love and love hard. Even though falling out of love is painful, we still keep going back. I still keep going back like a crazy, deluded bitch because I don't know better.

The happiest days of misery. Those are the days we are in love. The greatest adventure the world has ever known. A new memory, a new passion, a new heartbreak. A euphoria that encompasses our souls, our very beings. Is there anything more wonderful than looking into someones eyes and just… Knowing. Knowing that at this particular moment in time, everything is going to be okay. Nothing can harm you. For at that very moment you cease to exist. It is at that moment that you has become "we". Fuck. I used to feel like that! I used to be all fucking clouds and shit.

You never forget to love. I heard that all the time growing up, but never really understood what it meant until it happened. Someone close always told me that if I ever forgot that then it wasn't love. The late nights, the smiles, the tears, the months, the laughs… Memories that last us an eternity. Someone told me that love was such a strangely beautiful emotion. It can creep up on your without warning and we try to fight it off. The person who told me that was lying through their bloody teeth. I didn't choose to forget love.

It forgot me.

And I'm two seconds away from losing my shit in front of all these people and beating Zed's ass.

"Are we engaging in a staring contest tonight, Doctor? Or are we going to dance?"

A/N: Okay, so here's the thing. XD;;

I SAID I wasn't going to post the LuZed AU I wrote for uh, Camp NaNo because it's just soo freaking terrible (not in the "hahaha-Chiharu-you-write-like-shit-kinda-way", but more of the "Holy... Uh. This-is-pretty-squeamish-and-not-my-thing" kinda way.) XD;;;; Not in the usual stuff that I write either, and the prologue is INSANELY batshit, so there's no WAY I'm posting that, no SIR. XD;;;;;

It pretty much hurt my very soul to write this AU, since like. Err, there's a bunch of stuff that I didn't really... Feel too good about, so yes. XD;;; Not the writing in general... Like. The content. XD;; This thing is... Very... Drama-filled, I should say, and I don't do too good with drama. XD;; Or romance. XD;; Since the prologue isn't here (not that it actually explained anything) I should. This AU takes place after the events of chapter 49. Instead of Lucrecia actually killing Zed, she let's him live, and THIS ends up happening. XD;;;;

Not a very good outcome, I'm sure. When I say this was the most painful 7K I had written in a while, it was THE most painful. XD;; Perhaps I'll jump back on this (and probably have enough courage to post the prologue (though it's NOT HAPPENING)) during the month of November or something, but for now you guys get the pretty first chapter. XD;;; I don't even know how the rest of this would even... XD;;;; *headscratch* I wrote 70,000 words, don't get me wrong. But it's only 8 chapters and I gave up around the third day... XD;; It was just a very... XD;; Weird story for me. XD;;; And pfft, I do NOT like writing Lucrecia. I just don't. ESPECIALLY when the narrations painful. Arrrgh, angsting over meeeeeeen! XD;;; I can't TAKE it! XD;;;

I guess the only upside to this story would have been all of Professor Ever's cabinet in it. These people are real, important characters in CCFA's cannon, aaaand'll be appearing in the second go-around in the Dark Ages' second arc. XD;;

Hooray! XD;;