Never had dream come true
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Disclaimer : Roswell is the property of the WB, Jason Katims and Melinda Metz, trust me if I owned them M&M would be much happier no nasty Destiny or Courtney exists in Eire land. Ok, going of in a tangent now, I don't own anything, enough said :o). The memories of them being children and a couple of references such as cheesehead and pixiegirl I have borrowed from Kara & Emily's Roswell Elementary series (hope they don't mind). The lyrics are from Sclub7's song Never had a dream. The poems Forgotten, Letting Go and Destiny Rewritten are my laughable attempts at poetry, but the poem You were Always There is by Zac and it said everything I wanted to say but couldn't find the words to, it is an immense poem, please send feedback.
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Setting : Future Fic (Way in the future *g*) Michael has died and the other have to cope with the bequests he has left behind
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Couples : M&M,
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Rating : PG
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Spoilers : Mentions of the first season.
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Feedback : Please, pretty, pretty please, this is an idea, that just came into my head and wouldn't leave, I'd really like your views on how it turned out
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Maria stood as still as possible while feeling the wind blowing gently against her neck. As she stared forward towards the coffin she felt her eyes start to sting with the unshed tears she had been storing for the last couple of days.
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"Maria" she felt Max place his hand on her arm and whisper into her ear "Maria"
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"Maria, Maria" she could almost feel the way he used to say her name, sometimes tinged with exasperation, other times tinged with a certain kind of wonder
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"Maria" Max said more sharply
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Maria turned startled to see the eyes of the congregation upon her, as she looked over she saw that flowers had been laid on the coffin.
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Unbidden the memory came to her of the stories her Mama used to tell her about flowers and their secret meanings, as she scrutinised the flowers she decided she probably knew who had lain each one.
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A posy of Amaryllis (Beautiful;timid & proud) was the first to catch her eye, lain down by Tess she guessed, in respect of the brother she had never really known. As beautiful now as she had been in her teenage years, she still held herself with pride and dignity but underneath, well she knew Liz would disagree with her but Tess did have a certain timidness and insecurity about her, built up through her time separated from the other three and in particular due to her upbringing with Nasedo, although Kyle had spent many years trying to change that, there was still to this day a certain insecureness about the fragile blonde, you just had to look through the steel core to find it.
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The posy next to that was a small wreath made up of Acacia (Secret love; elegance & friendship) it had Isabel written all over it There had always been a strong bond of love between them. Although it was not the passionate kind of love that Destiny had once foretold they would feel, it had nevertheless always been a strong force between the two of them. The friendship he had shared with Iz had always been something Michael treasured, she knew that that feeling had been reciprocated in Isabel. Isabel like Tess had retained her beauty, in fact, if anything the years had given her even more elegance and grace than she had possessed in high school, yes the Accia was a perfect pick for Isabel.
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A small posy in a heartshape made up of Cornflowers (Delicacy; refinement) lay next. Liz the epitome of Delicacy and refinement, is the only one who could have picked that. Even putting the flowers aside the heart shaped arrangement had Liz written all over it, it was simple, subtle and different. Although she hadn't shared the bond with Michael that Max, Iz, Tess and Maria had, she had loved him, Liz had always had enough room in her heart for all of them. The heart symbolised that, a sign to show Michael that although she might not always have agreed with him, and his treatment of Maria had angered her. She had loved him nonetheless, her's had been the easiest of them all to guess, no-one else could say so much with so little.
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Maria was taken aback at the next set of flowers.
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Kyle had chosen not to lay a wreath. He felt that it would have hypocritical, that was just like her brother, she realised that Kyle had held a lot of anger against Michael and she knew he was only there today for Tess and for her. Who would have thought, her and Chia head, brother and sister. Her mum and Valenti together, but he had made her happy and in the last couple of years after her death, he had been Maria's strength, she would always love him for that. So that only left Alex and Max.
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It was a small wreath made up of Cedar(I live for you; think of me). This was a statement of Love and dedication. After a couple of minutes puzzlement Maria finally figured it out, Max.
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In his own way he had lived for Michael, for all of them, in a way he was feeling this even more than Maria herself. He was strongly connected to the three of them he had been their leader, their protector and they had so rarely thought of him, choosing to believe he was being autocratic and overprotective they never saw that he was doing it because he loved them so much. None of them, not Tess, not Isabel and certainly not Michael had ever realised how much Max loved them and now it was as if a part of himself, of who he was had been ripped away. Despite his love for Liz; Maria knew he would trade places with the body in the coffin in an instant if it meant having Michael back, whole and healthy.
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The last posy was Alex's, Maria smiled even if she hadn't worked her way through the rest of them she would still recognise the bearer of this one. a small wreath made up of White Lilacs (Youthful innocence) and Sunflowers (Splendid) the posy summed up Alex to a T. Still filled with the same youthful exuberance and vigour that he had as a teenager, only now he had grown up and had a mature kindness that made him even more of a pleasure to be around than ever.
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Maria looked down at the last posy to be placed, her own, A handful of Red Tulips (Deceleration of Love) mixed with baby's breath. In one way or another Maria had been declaring her love for Michael all of her life, from her first cheesehead insult session in 5th grade to the last time she had whispered the words in his ear while she held him. It seemed only fitting that she reaffirmed it in the end.
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Maria broke out of her repose. It's strange where your mind takes you when you are trying not to think about something, if her friends had known she had spent the last few minutes analysing their flowers they would really start to get worried.
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Maria smiled gently at Max to let him know she was ok, as he let go of her arm she moved towards the coffin and placed the final posy on top backing away she saw the coffin slowly lower into the ground.
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While she tried to maintain her calm façade for her friends, inside she felt her voice start to scream brokenly. It screamed for lost love, lost chances and broken hearts, as she walked away from the graveside flanked by Max and Liz, Maria continued to hear the voice scream inside her, and wondered when, if ever it would stop.
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****************************
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2 Days later
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"I'm telling you Max, she isn't up to this, she hasn't spoken a word in 2 days, 2 days! she won't come out of that room, she barely sleeps, barely eats and now you want her to go through this"
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"look Liz, I understand what you're trying to say, but it's important, Michael wasn't the planning type, he certainly wasn't the type to have a will, so the fact that he made one, and the fact that he requested us all to be there IS important"
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"No. Look, I miss him too Max, but right now my priority is Maria and I'm telling you she isn't up to…"
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"Liz" Maria's voice broke into the argument "Look Liz as much as I love you, both of you, you are really going to have to stop talking about me like I'm not here"
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Liz looked at her friend and observed the circles under eyes and the tired pallor of her skin.
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"Well, no offence 'Ria but the last couple of days, you haven't been here, well you have, but you haven't"
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Maria smiled and noticed some of the tension go out of Max and Liz at the sight
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"Look, I know I've been kinda spaced out the last couple of days, but Max is right, Michael wouldn't have left a will if he hadn't had something to say and I for one would not miss that for anything, now I'm going to get ready, you two go ahead with the make up smoochies"
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Liz smiled and hugged Maria, "You sure you're okay Hon?"
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"I'm fine, well I'm not fine, but I'll get there, trust me"
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As Maria turned and headed up the stairs Liz slipped into Max's arms
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"She'll be okay you know"
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"I know, it's just, I don't know if I could handle what she's going through right now"
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Max shook his head "Me neither, but Maria always was stronger than most, that's what made her such a good match for Michael"
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"Too bad he didn't realise it" Liz said with a small trace of bitterness in her voice
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"He did, he just wasn't good at letting people get close, he did love her Liz, I know that's hard for you believe after what he did to her, but he did"
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Liz smiled sadly "Do you think she knows that?"
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"I hope so, I really hope so"
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****************************
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"Well, Mr Evans, I would like to thank you and your friends for coming today, I realise that this is a hard time for you at the moment, but I will try to make this as painless as possible"
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The lawyer surveyed the room, he was good at reading people and he could feel the closeness that this small group had, and so young to be facing this tragedy, as far as he knew they were the same age as Mr Guerian when he died and he had only been 34. A terrible tragedy.
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"Ok, on to today's business, Mr Guerian prepared his affairs quite well and all funeral and burial expenses have been taken care of, in addition he has left the remainder of his estate to be divided equally amongst the following people. Maria DeLuca Valenti, Maxwell Evans, Isabel Evans Saunders and Theresa Harding Valenti. The net worth of his estate after death dues and taxes was $12,769.55 which gives each of you the sum of $3,192.39.
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Now on to the personal requests. We will start with Mr Valenti"
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Kyle looked up startled "Me?"
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The lawyer smiled as he handed Kyle an envelope, "Mr Guerian asked me to make sure you understand the importance of what he has bequested you, he stated that of all bequests being given today, this was his most precious possession"
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Kyle took the envelope "Is it ok if I open this"
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"Go ahead Mr Valenti"
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The others watched as Kyle opened the envelope and took out two pieces of paper, slowly a smiled creased his face
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"Well, I'll be damned" Kyle looked at the the items in his hand, the first thing out of the envelope was a picture of Maria, creased and wrinkled with age. It must have been taken while they were all still in High School. Her hair was worn long and curly, he remembered teasing her about that just after their parents married in their senior year. He had been convinced that she had grown it again for Michael, they all remembered the obsession that Michael had had with her curls in Elementary school, she was laughing up at the camera, and her eyes were filled with mischief, it was quite simply Maria DeLuca at her very best, looking over at the second item in his hand he found his bequest. A scrap of notepaper with the words "Take Care of Her for Me, Please" written in Michael distinctive scrawl. Kyle continued to smile as he carefully put the pieces of paper back into the envelope and placed the envelope in his shirt pocket, "Always, Guerian" he whispered softly, certain that somewhere Michael Guerian was waiting and listening for this vow.
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"Ok, the second bequest is for Elizabeth Parker Evans." the lawyer smiled kindly at Liz as he handed her a leather clad book "He says the title will mean more to you than it does to me"
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Liz took the book and opened it to the first page. Scrawled on the front was the title Envying Max Evans Liz flicked through the book in wonder as she saw pages upon pages of beautiful drawing all of her and Max, and the last ones of her Max and their daughter Beth. "Where did he get all these, I mean I know he drew them but how?"
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Max smiled as he looked at the book, "Your Annual Picture Christmas card, I guess that's what he based them all on, the poses he must have come up with on his own"
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Liz smiled "He had so much talent" Liz clutched the book close to his chest
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"The next bequest is for Theresa Harding Valenti and Isabel Evans Saunders"
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The lawyer went into his folder and removed two pieces of paper each incased in an oak picture frame, "Michael asked me to tell you that this is everything he would have told the two of you, if he'd been able to string together two words without sounding like a ..." the lawyer cleared his throat. "Well, like a weak doofus. He also asked me to mention that he hopes you don't mind the fact that you both got similar presents, and he ensures you that there are differences"
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Tess and Isabel stepped forward together and took the frames out of the lawyers hands, they looked at the gift in front of them.
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Isabel opened her note and read the last words Michael had to say to her.
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Dear Isabel
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The poem is something I wrote during our Destiny era, I know I used the word era go figure, well anyway it more or less sums up, everything I felt and still feel. God I'll miss you Issy, through everything you were my rock, the poem says everything I wish I had thought to say to you. I don't regret the fact that we didn't listen to Destiny, we would never have made good lovers, you would have nagged me to death within a week, that's it, keep laughing, Issy, you're never more beautiful than when you laugh. We were never meant to be lovers, family, that's what we were and what we will always be. I love you Isabel.
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p *** Michael
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Isabel examined the borders of her parchment, it seemed like in every place she looked there were drawing of her, different drawings drawing for each significant time of her life. There was one of her as a scared 6 year old, holding out her hand to Michael a small smile on her face, one of her smiling at Alex while dancing at their first formal prom. One of her on her wedding day to Cameron. Everywhere she looked there were different pictures, all interlaced with her name in elaborate scroll weaveing in and out of the differing times of her life. Isabel could feel the tears prick the back of her eyelids as she turned to the words in the middle of the parchment.
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Destiny Rewritten
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They say lover's we were meant to be,
But I say that cannot be,
When I look at you I see no sirens song,
Just the girl who has guided me along,
protected me from harm and woe,
Assisted me in where I wanted to go,
Sister, sibling, equal, friend,
A family that Destiny cannot break or bend,
these words make some sense to me
Not lovers, not you and me
We were destined to be family
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By the time Isabel reached the end of the poem the tears were streaming unchecked down her face, just as she felt the sob break free from her throat, she felt warm arms go round her.
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"Shhh, Issy, it's ok, It's ok" Alex gently rocked Isabel in his arms as the sobs slowly subsided
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Tess opened up her envelope, she was almost to scared to see what was there. She knew Michael wouldn't be deliberately cruel, but they had never managed to have the relationship she had hoped to have with him and deep down there was still so much insecurity inside her when it came to family. Bracing herself Tess looked down and began to read the letter.
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Dear Tess
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I finally feel free to say now all the things I wanted to say to you but never did. The first thing I want to say, need to say is I'm sorry, I'm sorry for the fact that I left you behind, I'm sorry for the way I behaved when you came back. All my life I searched for family and then when it appeared I not only ignored it I openly dismissed it. I blamed you for Destiny, I blamed you for Isabel's hurt and for Maria's hurt. I never stopped to think for a minute that while trying to protect the 2 people I loved the most, I was ignoring one person who deserved my protection just as equally. I know we have grown closer in the last few years and for that I am grateful. But I still felt that I had to finally give you the apology you deserved all those years ago, so here it is. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me little sister, love always ****Michael
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Tess brushed the tears forming in her eyes away quickly before anyone noticed them, she laughed silently at herself. Even after all these years Nasedo's lecture on weakness still rang loud in her ears, she turned to the picture in the frame. The borders were similar to Isabels, pictures of her through different times in her life interlaced with her name and the word sister through them, the poem in the middle was quite different however.
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Forgotten
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I left you there in the cold and dark,
I left you all alone
I wanted to start my journey there and then,
I wanted to find home
So all alone you emerged,
helpless, lost, calling out my name
I knew you were there, deep down I knew,
but I left you there all the same
Through the years I felt you with me,
your presence was so strong,
I always knew you'd find me,
I always knew you'd come
But when you came, no welcome,
no hugs, no joy, no home
All you found was blame and anger,
once again I left you all alone
I wish I could change the past, dear sister
and wipe away those tears
I wish I had not forgotten you,
or lost you for all these years
But now little sister, now I remember,
forgotten you are no more
And now we live, together at last,
family for evermore.
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Tess felt the tears slip down her cheeks. As she turned and buried herself in Kyle's arms. It felt good she knew now that Michael had accepted her, not just as an equal but as family.
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The lawyer cleared his throat "Do you want to take a break or would you like me to continue"
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Max looked round the room seeing the almost imperceptible nods from everyone "No please continue, the sooner it all over and done with, the better"
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The lawyer nodded and looked back down at his piece of paper, "Ok, the next Bequest is for Mr Alexander Whitman, Mr Guerian asked me to tell you that he wasn't sure what you give to a computer software mogul who has everything. He figured that this piece of advice was as close as he could come to it" The lawyer handed over a small envelope.
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Alex stepped forward and opened the envelope, as he took out the slip of paper he started to laugh.
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Alex
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Take it from someone who knows, when you find something that good, you don't let it go Don't leave with regrets, tell her how you feel.
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p ***Michael
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Alex smiled as he put the letter away, he looked over at Isabel, she was sitting on a chair comforting Tess. Michael was right, they had lost years because he had been too afraid to tell her how he felt, the time would come, after they had all finished grieving, he wasn't going to have any regrets, he wasn't going to let her get away twice.
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"Ok, we have only got two more bequests left, Michael specifically asked me to leave Miss Valenti's to the last so the next one is for you Mr Evans"
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Max took the envelope out of the lawyers hands, for a moment he was almost too afraid to open it. He was afraid that Michael was going to tell him exactly what he knew, that he had let him down.
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He should have been there, it was his job to protect them. Max opened the letter and slipped out two drawings. He recognised the first as Him Michael & Isabel as children, holding hands. The next picture was of the four of them this time as adults, again holding hands, he started reading the notes enclosed.
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Dear Max,
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I don't know what to say to you you always left me feeling like whatever I said it was the wrong thing, but at the end of the day, that was as much on me as it was on you. Look at Liz's book and You'll see what I mean. At the end of the day, you always looked out for me Maximillian You didn't fail, I couldn't be saved, at the end of the day, it was me that failed you. See you on the other side.
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p ***Michael
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P.S look on the back of the drawings
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Max smiled as he slipped the note back in the envelope, for someone who pretended to be clueless Michael always knew just what was going on inside all of them.
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He took out the first drawing again and looked on the back.
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Letting Go
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I shouldn't have let go
I tell my self over and over
But it never changes anything
We should have been together
Me, the girl with the pretty smile and the boy with the sad eyes
they are my family
Will I find them?
So many questions
Do they understand why I break things?
Do they understand why I cry?
Do they understand why I search the skies?
Why did I let go?
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Michael Guerian Age 7
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(I wrote this after I done the drawing, it was in one of my foster homes and I drew you and Isabel by memory, I just thought you'd like it)
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Max felt a burning sensation in the back of his eyes, he remembered those long lonely months, he remembered Issy crying in the dark for the boy they had lost and he remembered their combined joy of finding him again the day they started 4th Grade. After placing the picture back in the envelope, he withdrew the last one, the one with the four of them, four square. Four equally separate and different parts each making a perfect whole, not the way Destiny had written it, but in their own way. He wondered how things would go now with one corner of the square missing, not just a couple of hundred miles away, but gone forever. Max turned over the drawing and started reading the last message he would ever receive from Michael.
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I found this on my travels and it summed up, how I think myself, Isabel and Tess perceive you, Maximillian.
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You Were Always There
by Zac
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Whenever I needed someone to talk to
You were always there.
My eyes filled with tears, my heart filled with pain, and
You were always there.
There was no time when I had doubt to come to you because
You were always there.
I could see in your eyes you wanted to help, and that you really cared.
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Whenever I was down and blue
You were always there.
No matter my problems, and what was wrong
You were always there.
Whenever I felt like nothing matters
You were always there.
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Now your gone, and I don't know what to do
I close my eyes and think of you, and how
You were always there.
It's hard to look at the pictures, and get memories of you
Can you hear me now
At night I pray, and I speak to you
I guess you were right when you told me no matter how far you were
You would always be there.
I know one day I'll see you again, but till then I have to say goodbye
Even though it hurts to hear your name, and speak of you One thing I will always say is
You were always there.
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Like I said Maximillian, you never let me down, Take Care Bro
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Max placed the last picture in the box and wondered what the congregation around him would do if he broke down. He was Max, the rock, the leader, but right now he just felt like a confused and scared boy who had lost not only his brother but his best friend.
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He walked over to Liz and sank into a chair. Liz seemed to sense the disturbance around him and placed her hand on his shoulder, it didn't take the pain or fear away, but as always, her presence soothed him.
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"Ok, well we just have one more item to bequest and then I can prepare the final papers, Miss Valenti, this one is for you"
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Maria looked up, she had been preparing herself for this the whole time she had been in the office, she had watched each of the other collect their bequests and she had watched the emotions flicker over their faces, she had seen their joy at receiving the last gift they would ever receive from him. She had also watched their resignation after it was over. After they had finally finished it had made everything final. Maria could still feel her voice screaming inside her, and she wasn't sure if she was ready for this final step, to finally accept that it was over, that he was gone.
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Maria mustered her strength and stood up heading towards the table. Before her resolve could falter she took the box that was being handed to her. It was an old box about the size of a shoebox, as she started to lift the lid bracing herself to face the contents, she was startled to hear a voice stop her
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"Umm, Miss Valenti, I.., well it was Mr Guerian's request that you open the box outwith this office. In fact he said he would prefer if you did it alone and in your time, he said you would prefer it this way"
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Maria felt the relief wash through her. Michael knew her too well, he would have known that she wasn't ready to face this, not yet.
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"Well then" the lawyer stated "It would seem our business is concluded, I wish all of you the very best and hope that you can now move forward from this tragedy, I will prepare the final papers and send them to you Mr Evans"
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Max nodded "Thank you for all your help and assistance Mr Beadsworth"
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The lawyer smiled kindly "It was of no trouble sir, I hope that if we ever meet again it will be under better circumstances"
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Max looked around the room, is everybody ready, at their nods of assent Max headed towards the door, slowly, one by one they all started to head out.
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Maria turned round just before she left "Umm Mr Beadsworth?"
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"Yes Dear"
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"When did, when did Michael plan all this?"
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Max turned round, needing to hear the answer as much as Maria
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the old man sighed
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"I was actually hoping you wouldn't ask that, but very well Michael came to me on June 25th. He said he wanted to get his affairs in order in case he ever had to leave in a hurry. He wanted to be able to say his goodbyes, he gave me all of this information and those bequests and told me what he wanted done with them. That was it, then he left"
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"June 25th? of this year?"
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The lawyer nodded "Yes"
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Maria shook her head "But that was.."
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"The day he died, Yes Miss Valenti, it was almost as if he knew"
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Maria smiled "He probably did, Michael was full of surprises, well thank you"
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"You're welcome my dear"
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Maria turned and faced Max
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"You ready?" Max asked gently
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"Yes" Maria replied "Let's go"
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************************************************
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2 Months Later
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Maria hummed along to the radio as she did the ironing, as she glanced up at the clock, she smiled. 3p.m almost time for her daily call from Max.
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They had grown closer over the last couple of months. They had even started to retain some of the close bond they had formed over the summer that Destiny had changed their lives.
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When Michael had took off after Graduation. Maria had pushed both Max and Liz away, it had hurt to see them so happy when she was missing Michael so much, over the years she had stayed friends with them but they hadn't had the same closeness, especially since she knew Michael was still in contact with them.
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She had never asked though she hadn't wanted to put them in a position. The last few months though since his … since the accident, they had grown closer again and for that she was glad. She had missed them.
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She know they were worried about her, they felt that she wasn't letting go or moving forward. Deep down she knew they were right, the screaming inside her and continued over the last couple of months, sometimes becoming louder than she could bear and she still hadn't been able to cry.
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She glanced over at the windowsill and saw the small box lying there, in the same place that had been since they had returned from the lawyers office two months previous.
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Putting down the iron she walked towards the box. As she lifted up the lid thoughts started to climb unbidden into Maria's mind
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"What did you want to say Michael, what will I find in their, apologies, excuses, reasons, goodbyes. Why didn't you call, if you knew what was happening, why didn't you say goodbye properly"
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* Ring………Ring *
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Maria slammed down the box lid as the phone ring startled her.
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"Hello Max" Maria said as she picked up the receiver
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"Hey, how did you know it was me?" Max said
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"It's 3p.m, you always call at 3p.m, so how are my 3 favourite people in the world? I hope that goddaughter of mine is looking forward to a visit from Auntie Ria"
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Max laughed "Of course she is, we all are, so how's things"
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**********************************************
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Maria hung the phone up with a smile after what seemed like a 2 hour inquisition from Max, Liz had finally broken in to tell her the good news. Alex and Isabel had just got engaged.
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Maria was happy for them. Alex had been pining after Isabel for years and after her disastrous first marriage Isabel deserved some happiness. Maria felt her smile fading as her eye caught the box on the windowsill again.
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Before she could stop them she heard Max's final words to her on the telephone. She had been talking about her visit to his apartment talking about Michael, his art, his bad taste in clothes, his hair gel when Max had started talking to her in a gentle tone of voice.
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"He's gone Maria, you realise that don't you. He dead and he isn't going to come back"
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"Of course I realise that Max, I'm not a child, he's…. well he's gone"
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"Dead Maria, He's dead, He's not coming back"
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"Look Max I get the picture, look I've got to go"
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"'Ria, look, I know I'm being cruel, but I hate seeing you like this. Michael would have hated seeing you like this, you have to accept this and you have to move on"
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Maria knew Max was right Michael would have hated her being like this, but she didn't know what she was supposed to do. Before she could stop and let herself think about it, Maria headed over to the box, she had put it off long enough, it was time she saw what Michael had left her.
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After sitting in the chair Maria opened the box. There were only three things inside. A Sketch book, Michael silver ring and pile of letters tied by a ribbon. Picking up the ring Maria slipped it on her finger. She could almost feel him sitting there watching her. She went to pick up the sketch book when she found her hand drifting towards the letters as she picked them up she realised that the address on the first one was her mothers old address and it was addressed to her. Maria flicked through the letters all sealed and found they were all addressed to her, from her mothers address, right up to her present address where she had lived for the past year. Maria opened the first letter and started to read
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Hey PixieGirl,
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How have you been.
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I'm in New York just now, it's cold and the people suck, but hey, where don't they.
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Ok I guess you're still not speaking to me. I know I let you down running out on you like that, not saying goodbye, you probably hate me for it. But damn pixie girl I told you from day one I couldn't get intense, I warned you it was a mistake, but did you listen. No you just jumped right in there with no thought or care as to what happened. I told Max one time that I would end up hurting you, that just being who I am would hurt you, I guess I was right wasn't I, if it means anything I never wanted to, hurting you was the last thing I wanted.
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I guess what I'm trying to say here is I'm sorry, sorry for hurting you.
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I'm not sorry for loving you though, I could never be sorry for that, I think a part of me has always loved you and I knew I always will.
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Ok, I better sign off before this gets too sappy,
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I love you pixie, I'll talk to you soon.
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Your Cheesehead.
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Maria smiled as she tried to blink away the tears, she placed the letter down reverently beside her as she picked up the next one. As the afternoon progressed, she managed to get through 63 letters, some short, some long, some of them were chatty, some loving, there were even souvenirs with some of them, remnants of the places he had been, the things he had seen. Through the letters she could picture Michael's travels, she felt his fear and loneliness and she felt just how much he had missed her.
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She had always wondered if he had missed her as much as she had missed him, now she knew but it didn't make her feel any better, if anything she felt worse, so many wasted years, so much they could have had, could have shared. Maria looked down and realised she had come to the last letter in the box. As she opened the letter up she noticed the date, June 25th, the date he had gone to see Mr Beadsworth, the date he had… Maria shook her head as if to clear of of the thoughts filling her mind, she turned her attention back to the letter and began to read.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Hey Pixie Girl
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Short letter this time, I heard a song on the radio today, it's one of those cheesy pop songs from the 90's that I used to hate, but when I heard it, it kind of said everything I've been trying to say with my letters so I put the lyrics on the back. You should try and find it, it's one of those soppy love songs you used to pretend that you didn't like but probably listened to while alone in your room.
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I'm going to have to dive off right now I'll try and make my next letter a bit longer, what can I say my life has gotten boring of late, talk to you soon.
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Love Always
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Your Cheesehead
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Maria turned over the paper to read the song that had caught Michael's attention,
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Everybody's got something they had to leave behind
One regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time
There's no use looking back or wondering (or wondering)
How it could be now or neither been (or neither been)
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you know
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Chorus
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I never had a dream come true
Till that day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never felt the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you
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Somewhere in my memory I lost all sense of time
And so my road can never be 'Cause yesterday is all that fills my mind
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it should be now or neither been (or neither been)
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go
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Chorus
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You'll always be the dream that fills my head
Yes you will, say you will, you know you will, baby
You'll always be the one I know I'll never forget
There's no use looking back or wondering (or wondering)
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try I just can't say goodbye No no no no
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Chorus
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A part of me will always be with you...
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Maria placed the letter on the top of the others, typical Michael, he never failed to surprie her. As she fought to try and compose herself her eyes fell on the last item in the box the sketch pad. As she reached in she thought of all the times she had asked Michael to see inside his pad, he would never let her see it and now she finally had the chance to, she didn't know if she wanted to, she already felt drained from the letters.
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Oh well, it's now or never as Maria opened the book at the first page, the first drawing was of her, dressed as Tinkerbell for the 5th Grade Halloween. She remembered how obsessed Michael had been about her wings. He had caught every detail perfectly from her long springy curls to the gleam of mischief in her eyes. She could almost see the glitter on her face sparkling.
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She turned to the next picture to find a drawing of her covered in potato at their Thanksgiving dinner at the Crashdown, the next was her wearing Lizzie's Angel costume with the glittery modifications she had made to it.
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As she flicked trough the book it was like watching her life, but through his eyes and in his eyes she wasn't plain old Maria DeLuca, she was alive, sparkling, special. The later pictures were the ones that held the most interest for her.
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These ones weren't drawn from memory but from imagination. Every secret dream she had had, Michael had had too. There was one of her and Michael on their wedding day. One of them holding their first child. Their child's first day at school.
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Their family at Christmas.
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It was like looking at the life she had always wanted. Before Maria could stop herself she had thrown the book across the room.
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As the sobs started to break free from her throat she curled herself up on the chair. She cried for what seemed like hours. Cried for the life she never had, the family she never had, for the dreams and love that had never been allowed to be.
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She didn't understand it, Why did he run away, if he had wanted this as badly as she had then why had he thrown it all away.
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Deep down she knew why, nothing had scared Michael more than needing someone, not even loneliness.
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She knew sooner or later she would have to stop crying, and she would, soon, she would stop, she would get up and put the letters and sketch book back in the box, and she would move on with her life.
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But not right now, right now she wanted to keep crying, for the love she lost, for the life she lost and for the lost lonely little boy who would rather have died, than ever really live.
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~Finis~
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"Love letters straight from your heart
Keep us so near while apart"
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Disclaimer : Roswell is the property of the WB, Jason Katims and Melinda Metz, trust me if I owned them M&M would be much happier no nasty Destiny or Courtney exists in Eire land. Ok, going of in a tangent now, I don't own anything, enough said :o). The memories of them being children and a couple of references such as cheesehead and pixiegirl I have borrowed from Kara & Emily's Roswell Elementary series (hope they don't mind). The lyrics are from Sclub7's song Never had a dream. The poems Forgotten, Letting Go and Destiny Rewritten are my laughable attempts at poetry, but the poem You were Always There is by Zac and it said everything I wanted to say but couldn't find the words to, it is an immense poem, please send feedback.
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Setting : Future Fic (Way in the future *g*) Michael has died and the other have to cope with the bequests he has left behind
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Couples : M&M,
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Rating : PG
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Spoilers : Mentions of the first season.
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Feedback : Please, pretty, pretty please, this is an idea, that just came into my head and wouldn't leave, I'd really like your views on how it turned out
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___________________________________________________________________________________
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Maria stood as still as possible while feeling the wind blowing gently against her neck. As she stared forward towards the coffin she felt her eyes start to sting with the unshed tears she had been storing for the last couple of days.
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"Maria" she felt Max place his hand on her arm and whisper into her ear "Maria"
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"Maria, Maria" she could almost feel the way he used to say her name, sometimes tinged with exasperation, other times tinged with a certain kind of wonder
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"Maria" Max said more sharply
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Maria turned startled to see the eyes of the congregation upon her, as she looked over she saw that flowers had been laid on the coffin.
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Unbidden the memory came to her of the stories her Mama used to tell her about flowers and their secret meanings, as she scrutinised the flowers she decided she probably knew who had lain each one.
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A posy of Amaryllis (Beautiful;timid & proud) was the first to catch her eye, lain down by Tess she guessed, in respect of the brother she had never really known. As beautiful now as she had been in her teenage years, she still held herself with pride and dignity but underneath, well she knew Liz would disagree with her but Tess did have a certain timidness and insecurity about her, built up through her time separated from the other three and in particular due to her upbringing with Nasedo, although Kyle had spent many years trying to change that, there was still to this day a certain insecureness about the fragile blonde, you just had to look through the steel core to find it.
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The posy next to that was a small wreath made up of Acacia (Secret love; elegance & friendship) it had Isabel written all over it There had always been a strong bond of love between them. Although it was not the passionate kind of love that Destiny had once foretold they would feel, it had nevertheless always been a strong force between the two of them. The friendship he had shared with Iz had always been something Michael treasured, she knew that that feeling had been reciprocated in Isabel. Isabel like Tess had retained her beauty, in fact, if anything the years had given her even more elegance and grace than she had possessed in high school, yes the Accia was a perfect pick for Isabel.
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A small posy in a heartshape made up of Cornflowers (Delicacy; refinement) lay next. Liz the epitome of Delicacy and refinement, is the only one who could have picked that. Even putting the flowers aside the heart shaped arrangement had Liz written all over it, it was simple, subtle and different. Although she hadn't shared the bond with Michael that Max, Iz, Tess and Maria had, she had loved him, Liz had always had enough room in her heart for all of them. The heart symbolised that, a sign to show Michael that although she might not always have agreed with him, and his treatment of Maria had angered her. She had loved him nonetheless, her's had been the easiest of them all to guess, no-one else could say so much with so little.
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Maria was taken aback at the next set of flowers.
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Kyle had chosen not to lay a wreath. He felt that it would have hypocritical, that was just like her brother, she realised that Kyle had held a lot of anger against Michael and she knew he was only there today for Tess and for her. Who would have thought, her and Chia head, brother and sister. Her mum and Valenti together, but he had made her happy and in the last couple of years after her death, he had been Maria's strength, she would always love him for that. So that only left Alex and Max.
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It was a small wreath made up of Cedar(I live for you; think of me). This was a statement of Love and dedication. After a couple of minutes puzzlement Maria finally figured it out, Max.
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In his own way he had lived for Michael, for all of them, in a way he was feeling this even more than Maria herself. He was strongly connected to the three of them he had been their leader, their protector and they had so rarely thought of him, choosing to believe he was being autocratic and overprotective they never saw that he was doing it because he loved them so much. None of them, not Tess, not Isabel and certainly not Michael had ever realised how much Max loved them and now it was as if a part of himself, of who he was had been ripped away. Despite his love for Liz; Maria knew he would trade places with the body in the coffin in an instant if it meant having Michael back, whole and healthy.
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The last posy was Alex's, Maria smiled even if she hadn't worked her way through the rest of them she would still recognise the bearer of this one. a small wreath made up of White Lilacs (Youthful innocence) and Sunflowers (Splendid) the posy summed up Alex to a T. Still filled with the same youthful exuberance and vigour that he had as a teenager, only now he had grown up and had a mature kindness that made him even more of a pleasure to be around than ever.
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Maria looked down at the last posy to be placed, her own, A handful of Red Tulips (Deceleration of Love) mixed with baby's breath. In one way or another Maria had been declaring her love for Michael all of her life, from her first cheesehead insult session in 5th grade to the last time she had whispered the words in his ear while she held him. It seemed only fitting that she reaffirmed it in the end.
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Maria broke out of her repose. It's strange where your mind takes you when you are trying not to think about something, if her friends had known she had spent the last few minutes analysing their flowers they would really start to get worried.
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Maria smiled gently at Max to let him know she was ok, as he let go of her arm she moved towards the coffin and placed the final posy on top backing away she saw the coffin slowly lower into the ground.
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While she tried to maintain her calm façade for her friends, inside she felt her voice start to scream brokenly. It screamed for lost love, lost chances and broken hearts, as she walked away from the graveside flanked by Max and Liz, Maria continued to hear the voice scream inside her, and wondered when, if ever it would stop.
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****************************
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2 Days later
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"I'm telling you Max, she isn't up to this, she hasn't spoken a word in 2 days, 2 days! she won't come out of that room, she barely sleeps, barely eats and now you want her to go through this"
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"look Liz, I understand what you're trying to say, but it's important, Michael wasn't the planning type, he certainly wasn't the type to have a will, so the fact that he made one, and the fact that he requested us all to be there IS important"
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"No. Look, I miss him too Max, but right now my priority is Maria and I'm telling you she isn't up to…"
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"Liz" Maria's voice broke into the argument "Look Liz as much as I love you, both of you, you are really going to have to stop talking about me like I'm not here"
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Liz looked at her friend and observed the circles under eyes and the tired pallor of her skin.
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"Well, no offence 'Ria but the last couple of days, you haven't been here, well you have, but you haven't"
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Maria smiled and noticed some of the tension go out of Max and Liz at the sight
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"Look, I know I've been kinda spaced out the last couple of days, but Max is right, Michael wouldn't have left a will if he hadn't had something to say and I for one would not miss that for anything, now I'm going to get ready, you two go ahead with the make up smoochies"
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Liz smiled and hugged Maria, "You sure you're okay Hon?"
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"I'm fine, well I'm not fine, but I'll get there, trust me"
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As Maria turned and headed up the stairs Liz slipped into Max's arms
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"She'll be okay you know"
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"I know, it's just, I don't know if I could handle what she's going through right now"
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Max shook his head "Me neither, but Maria always was stronger than most, that's what made her such a good match for Michael"
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"Too bad he didn't realise it" Liz said with a small trace of bitterness in her voice
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"He did, he just wasn't good at letting people get close, he did love her Liz, I know that's hard for you believe after what he did to her, but he did"
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Liz smiled sadly "Do you think she knows that?"
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"I hope so, I really hope so"
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****************************
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"Well, Mr Evans, I would like to thank you and your friends for coming today, I realise that this is a hard time for you at the moment, but I will try to make this as painless as possible"
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The lawyer surveyed the room, he was good at reading people and he could feel the closeness that this small group had, and so young to be facing this tragedy, as far as he knew they were the same age as Mr Guerian when he died and he had only been 34. A terrible tragedy.
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"Ok, on to today's business, Mr Guerian prepared his affairs quite well and all funeral and burial expenses have been taken care of, in addition he has left the remainder of his estate to be divided equally amongst the following people. Maria DeLuca Valenti, Maxwell Evans, Isabel Evans Saunders and Theresa Harding Valenti. The net worth of his estate after death dues and taxes was $12,769.55 which gives each of you the sum of $3,192.39.
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Now on to the personal requests. We will start with Mr Valenti"
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Kyle looked up startled "Me?"
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The lawyer smiled as he handed Kyle an envelope, "Mr Guerian asked me to make sure you understand the importance of what he has bequested you, he stated that of all bequests being given today, this was his most precious possession"
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Kyle took the envelope "Is it ok if I open this"
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"Go ahead Mr Valenti"
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The others watched as Kyle opened the envelope and took out two pieces of paper, slowly a smiled creased his face
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"Well, I'll be damned" Kyle looked at the the items in his hand, the first thing out of the envelope was a picture of Maria, creased and wrinkled with age. It must have been taken while they were all still in High School. Her hair was worn long and curly, he remembered teasing her about that just after their parents married in their senior year. He had been convinced that she had grown it again for Michael, they all remembered the obsession that Michael had had with her curls in Elementary school, she was laughing up at the camera, and her eyes were filled with mischief, it was quite simply Maria DeLuca at her very best, looking over at the second item in his hand he found his bequest. A scrap of notepaper with the words "Take Care of Her for Me, Please" written in Michael distinctive scrawl. Kyle continued to smile as he carefully put the pieces of paper back into the envelope and placed the envelope in his shirt pocket, "Always, Guerian" he whispered softly, certain that somewhere Michael Guerian was waiting and listening for this vow.
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"Ok, the second bequest is for Elizabeth Parker Evans." the lawyer smiled kindly at Liz as he handed her a leather clad book "He says the title will mean more to you than it does to me"
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Liz took the book and opened it to the first page. Scrawled on the front was the title Envying Max Evans Liz flicked through the book in wonder as she saw pages upon pages of beautiful drawing all of her and Max, and the last ones of her Max and their daughter Beth. "Where did he get all these, I mean I know he drew them but how?"
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Max smiled as he looked at the book, "Your Annual Picture Christmas card, I guess that's what he based them all on, the poses he must have come up with on his own"
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Liz smiled "He had so much talent" Liz clutched the book close to his chest
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"The next bequest is for Theresa Harding Valenti and Isabel Evans Saunders"
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The lawyer went into his folder and removed two pieces of paper each incased in an oak picture frame, "Michael asked me to tell you that this is everything he would have told the two of you, if he'd been able to string together two words without sounding like a ..." the lawyer cleared his throat. "Well, like a weak doofus. He also asked me to mention that he hopes you don't mind the fact that you both got similar presents, and he ensures you that there are differences"
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Tess and Isabel stepped forward together and took the frames out of the lawyers hands, they looked at the gift in front of them.
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Isabel opened her note and read the last words Michael had to say to her.
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Dear Isabel
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The poem is something I wrote during our Destiny era, I know I used the word era go figure, well anyway it more or less sums up, everything I felt and still feel. God I'll miss you Issy, through everything you were my rock, the poem says everything I wish I had thought to say to you. I don't regret the fact that we didn't listen to Destiny, we would never have made good lovers, you would have nagged me to death within a week, that's it, keep laughing, Issy, you're never more beautiful than when you laugh. We were never meant to be lovers, family, that's what we were and what we will always be. I love you Isabel.
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p *** Michael
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Isabel examined the borders of her parchment, it seemed like in every place she looked there were drawing of her, different drawings drawing for each significant time of her life. There was one of her as a scared 6 year old, holding out her hand to Michael a small smile on her face, one of her smiling at Alex while dancing at their first formal prom. One of her on her wedding day to Cameron. Everywhere she looked there were different pictures, all interlaced with her name in elaborate scroll weaveing in and out of the differing times of her life. Isabel could feel the tears prick the back of her eyelids as she turned to the words in the middle of the parchment.
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Destiny Rewritten
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They say lover's we were meant to be,
But I say that cannot be,
When I look at you I see no sirens song,
Just the girl who has guided me along,
protected me from harm and woe,
Assisted me in where I wanted to go,
Sister, sibling, equal, friend,
A family that Destiny cannot break or bend,
these words make some sense to me
Not lovers, not you and me
We were destined to be family
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By the time Isabel reached the end of the poem the tears were streaming unchecked down her face, just as she felt the sob break free from her throat, she felt warm arms go round her.
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"Shhh, Issy, it's ok, It's ok" Alex gently rocked Isabel in his arms as the sobs slowly subsided
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Tess opened up her envelope, she was almost to scared to see what was there. She knew Michael wouldn't be deliberately cruel, but they had never managed to have the relationship she had hoped to have with him and deep down there was still so much insecurity inside her when it came to family. Bracing herself Tess looked down and began to read the letter.
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Dear Tess
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I finally feel free to say now all the things I wanted to say to you but never did. The first thing I want to say, need to say is I'm sorry, I'm sorry for the fact that I left you behind, I'm sorry for the way I behaved when you came back. All my life I searched for family and then when it appeared I not only ignored it I openly dismissed it. I blamed you for Destiny, I blamed you for Isabel's hurt and for Maria's hurt. I never stopped to think for a minute that while trying to protect the 2 people I loved the most, I was ignoring one person who deserved my protection just as equally. I know we have grown closer in the last few years and for that I am grateful. But I still felt that I had to finally give you the apology you deserved all those years ago, so here it is. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me little sister, love always ****Michael
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Tess brushed the tears forming in her eyes away quickly before anyone noticed them, she laughed silently at herself. Even after all these years Nasedo's lecture on weakness still rang loud in her ears, she turned to the picture in the frame. The borders were similar to Isabels, pictures of her through different times in her life interlaced with her name and the word sister through them, the poem in the middle was quite different however.
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Forgotten
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I left you there in the cold and dark,
I left you all alone
I wanted to start my journey there and then,
I wanted to find home
So all alone you emerged,
helpless, lost, calling out my name
I knew you were there, deep down I knew,
but I left you there all the same
Through the years I felt you with me,
your presence was so strong,
I always knew you'd find me,
I always knew you'd come
But when you came, no welcome,
no hugs, no joy, no home
All you found was blame and anger,
once again I left you all alone
I wish I could change the past, dear sister
and wipe away those tears
I wish I had not forgotten you,
or lost you for all these years
But now little sister, now I remember,
forgotten you are no more
And now we live, together at last,
family for evermore.
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Tess felt the tears slip down her cheeks. As she turned and buried herself in Kyle's arms. It felt good she knew now that Michael had accepted her, not just as an equal but as family.
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The lawyer cleared his throat "Do you want to take a break or would you like me to continue"
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Max looked round the room seeing the almost imperceptible nods from everyone "No please continue, the sooner it all over and done with, the better"
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The lawyer nodded and looked back down at his piece of paper, "Ok, the next Bequest is for Mr Alexander Whitman, Mr Guerian asked me to tell you that he wasn't sure what you give to a computer software mogul who has everything. He figured that this piece of advice was as close as he could come to it" The lawyer handed over a small envelope.
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Alex stepped forward and opened the envelope, as he took out the slip of paper he started to laugh.
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Alex
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Take it from someone who knows, when you find something that good, you don't let it go Don't leave with regrets, tell her how you feel.
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p ***Michael
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Alex smiled as he put the letter away, he looked over at Isabel, she was sitting on a chair comforting Tess. Michael was right, they had lost years because he had been too afraid to tell her how he felt, the time would come, after they had all finished grieving, he wasn't going to have any regrets, he wasn't going to let her get away twice.
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"Ok, we have only got two more bequests left, Michael specifically asked me to leave Miss Valenti's to the last so the next one is for you Mr Evans"
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Max took the envelope out of the lawyers hands, for a moment he was almost too afraid to open it. He was afraid that Michael was going to tell him exactly what he knew, that he had let him down.
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He should have been there, it was his job to protect them. Max opened the letter and slipped out two drawings. He recognised the first as Him Michael & Isabel as children, holding hands. The next picture was of the four of them this time as adults, again holding hands, he started reading the notes enclosed.
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Dear Max,
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I don't know what to say to you you always left me feeling like whatever I said it was the wrong thing, but at the end of the day, that was as much on me as it was on you. Look at Liz's book and You'll see what I mean. At the end of the day, you always looked out for me Maximillian You didn't fail, I couldn't be saved, at the end of the day, it was me that failed you. See you on the other side.
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p ***Michael
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P.S look on the back of the drawings
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Max smiled as he slipped the note back in the envelope, for someone who pretended to be clueless Michael always knew just what was going on inside all of them.
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He took out the first drawing again and looked on the back.
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Letting Go
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I shouldn't have let go
I tell my self over and over
But it never changes anything
We should have been together
Me, the girl with the pretty smile and the boy with the sad eyes
they are my family
Will I find them?
So many questions
Do they understand why I break things?
Do they understand why I cry?
Do they understand why I search the skies?
Why did I let go?
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Michael Guerian Age 7
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(I wrote this after I done the drawing, it was in one of my foster homes and I drew you and Isabel by memory, I just thought you'd like it)
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Max felt a burning sensation in the back of his eyes, he remembered those long lonely months, he remembered Issy crying in the dark for the boy they had lost and he remembered their combined joy of finding him again the day they started 4th Grade. After placing the picture back in the envelope, he withdrew the last one, the one with the four of them, four square. Four equally separate and different parts each making a perfect whole, not the way Destiny had written it, but in their own way. He wondered how things would go now with one corner of the square missing, not just a couple of hundred miles away, but gone forever. Max turned over the drawing and started reading the last message he would ever receive from Michael.
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I found this on my travels and it summed up, how I think myself, Isabel and Tess perceive you, Maximillian.
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You Were Always There
by Zac
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Whenever I needed someone to talk to
You were always there.
My eyes filled with tears, my heart filled with pain, and
You were always there.
There was no time when I had doubt to come to you because
You were always there.
I could see in your eyes you wanted to help, and that you really cared.
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Whenever I was down and blue
You were always there.
No matter my problems, and what was wrong
You were always there.
Whenever I felt like nothing matters
You were always there.
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Now your gone, and I don't know what to do
I close my eyes and think of you, and how
You were always there.
It's hard to look at the pictures, and get memories of you
Can you hear me now
At night I pray, and I speak to you
I guess you were right when you told me no matter how far you were
You would always be there.
I know one day I'll see you again, but till then I have to say goodbye
Even though it hurts to hear your name, and speak of you One thing I will always say is
You were always there.
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Like I said Maximillian, you never let me down, Take Care Bro
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Max placed the last picture in the box and wondered what the congregation around him would do if he broke down. He was Max, the rock, the leader, but right now he just felt like a confused and scared boy who had lost not only his brother but his best friend.
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He walked over to Liz and sank into a chair. Liz seemed to sense the disturbance around him and placed her hand on his shoulder, it didn't take the pain or fear away, but as always, her presence soothed him.
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"Ok, well we just have one more item to bequest and then I can prepare the final papers, Miss Valenti, this one is for you"
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Maria looked up, she had been preparing herself for this the whole time she had been in the office, she had watched each of the other collect their bequests and she had watched the emotions flicker over their faces, she had seen their joy at receiving the last gift they would ever receive from him. She had also watched their resignation after it was over. After they had finally finished it had made everything final. Maria could still feel her voice screaming inside her, and she wasn't sure if she was ready for this final step, to finally accept that it was over, that he was gone.
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Maria mustered her strength and stood up heading towards the table. Before her resolve could falter she took the box that was being handed to her. It was an old box about the size of a shoebox, as she started to lift the lid bracing herself to face the contents, she was startled to hear a voice stop her
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"Umm, Miss Valenti, I.., well it was Mr Guerian's request that you open the box outwith this office. In fact he said he would prefer if you did it alone and in your time, he said you would prefer it this way"
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Maria felt the relief wash through her. Michael knew her too well, he would have known that she wasn't ready to face this, not yet.
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"Well then" the lawyer stated "It would seem our business is concluded, I wish all of you the very best and hope that you can now move forward from this tragedy, I will prepare the final papers and send them to you Mr Evans"
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Max nodded "Thank you for all your help and assistance Mr Beadsworth"
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The lawyer smiled kindly "It was of no trouble sir, I hope that if we ever meet again it will be under better circumstances"
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Max looked around the room, is everybody ready, at their nods of assent Max headed towards the door, slowly, one by one they all started to head out.
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Maria turned round just before she left "Umm Mr Beadsworth?"
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"Yes Dear"
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"When did, when did Michael plan all this?"
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Max turned round, needing to hear the answer as much as Maria
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the old man sighed
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"I was actually hoping you wouldn't ask that, but very well Michael came to me on June 25th. He said he wanted to get his affairs in order in case he ever had to leave in a hurry. He wanted to be able to say his goodbyes, he gave me all of this information and those bequests and told me what he wanted done with them. That was it, then he left"
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"June 25th? of this year?"
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The lawyer nodded "Yes"
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Maria shook her head "But that was.."
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"The day he died, Yes Miss Valenti, it was almost as if he knew"
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Maria smiled "He probably did, Michael was full of surprises, well thank you"
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"You're welcome my dear"
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Maria turned and faced Max
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"You ready?" Max asked gently
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"Yes" Maria replied "Let's go"
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************************************************
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2 Months Later
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Maria hummed along to the radio as she did the ironing, as she glanced up at the clock, she smiled. 3p.m almost time for her daily call from Max.
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They had grown closer over the last couple of months. They had even started to retain some of the close bond they had formed over the summer that Destiny had changed their lives.
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When Michael had took off after Graduation. Maria had pushed both Max and Liz away, it had hurt to see them so happy when she was missing Michael so much, over the years she had stayed friends with them but they hadn't had the same closeness, especially since she knew Michael was still in contact with them.
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She had never asked though she hadn't wanted to put them in a position. The last few months though since his … since the accident, they had grown closer again and for that she was glad. She had missed them.
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She know they were worried about her, they felt that she wasn't letting go or moving forward. Deep down she knew they were right, the screaming inside her and continued over the last couple of months, sometimes becoming louder than she could bear and she still hadn't been able to cry.
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She glanced over at the windowsill and saw the small box lying there, in the same place that had been since they had returned from the lawyers office two months previous.
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Putting down the iron she walked towards the box. As she lifted up the lid thoughts started to climb unbidden into Maria's mind
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"What did you want to say Michael, what will I find in their, apologies, excuses, reasons, goodbyes. Why didn't you call, if you knew what was happening, why didn't you say goodbye properly"
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* Ring………Ring *
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Maria slammed down the box lid as the phone ring startled her.
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"Hello Max" Maria said as she picked up the receiver
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"Hey, how did you know it was me?" Max said
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"It's 3p.m, you always call at 3p.m, so how are my 3 favourite people in the world? I hope that goddaughter of mine is looking forward to a visit from Auntie Ria"
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Max laughed "Of course she is, we all are, so how's things"
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**********************************************
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Maria hung the phone up with a smile after what seemed like a 2 hour inquisition from Max, Liz had finally broken in to tell her the good news. Alex and Isabel had just got engaged.
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Maria was happy for them. Alex had been pining after Isabel for years and after her disastrous first marriage Isabel deserved some happiness. Maria felt her smile fading as her eye caught the box on the windowsill again.
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Before she could stop them she heard Max's final words to her on the telephone. She had been talking about her visit to his apartment talking about Michael, his art, his bad taste in clothes, his hair gel when Max had started talking to her in a gentle tone of voice.
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"He's gone Maria, you realise that don't you. He dead and he isn't going to come back"
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"Of course I realise that Max, I'm not a child, he's…. well he's gone"
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"Dead Maria, He's dead, He's not coming back"
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"Look Max I get the picture, look I've got to go"
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"'Ria, look, I know I'm being cruel, but I hate seeing you like this. Michael would have hated seeing you like this, you have to accept this and you have to move on"
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Maria knew Max was right Michael would have hated her being like this, but she didn't know what she was supposed to do. Before she could stop and let herself think about it, Maria headed over to the box, she had put it off long enough, it was time she saw what Michael had left her.
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After sitting in the chair Maria opened the box. There were only three things inside. A Sketch book, Michael silver ring and pile of letters tied by a ribbon. Picking up the ring Maria slipped it on her finger. She could almost feel him sitting there watching her. She went to pick up the sketch book when she found her hand drifting towards the letters as she picked them up she realised that the address on the first one was her mothers old address and it was addressed to her. Maria flicked through the letters all sealed and found they were all addressed to her, from her mothers address, right up to her present address where she had lived for the past year. Maria opened the first letter and started to read
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Hey PixieGirl,
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How have you been.
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I'm in New York just now, it's cold and the people suck, but hey, where don't they.
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Ok I guess you're still not speaking to me. I know I let you down running out on you like that, not saying goodbye, you probably hate me for it. But damn pixie girl I told you from day one I couldn't get intense, I warned you it was a mistake, but did you listen. No you just jumped right in there with no thought or care as to what happened. I told Max one time that I would end up hurting you, that just being who I am would hurt you, I guess I was right wasn't I, if it means anything I never wanted to, hurting you was the last thing I wanted.
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I guess what I'm trying to say here is I'm sorry, sorry for hurting you.
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I'm not sorry for loving you though, I could never be sorry for that, I think a part of me has always loved you and I knew I always will.
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Ok, I better sign off before this gets too sappy,
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I love you pixie, I'll talk to you soon.
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Your Cheesehead.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Maria smiled as she tried to blink away the tears, she placed the letter down reverently beside her as she picked up the next one. As the afternoon progressed, she managed to get through 63 letters, some short, some long, some of them were chatty, some loving, there were even souvenirs with some of them, remnants of the places he had been, the things he had seen. Through the letters she could picture Michael's travels, she felt his fear and loneliness and she felt just how much he had missed her.
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She had always wondered if he had missed her as much as she had missed him, now she knew but it didn't make her feel any better, if anything she felt worse, so many wasted years, so much they could have had, could have shared. Maria looked down and realised she had come to the last letter in the box. As she opened the letter up she noticed the date, June 25th, the date he had gone to see Mr Beadsworth, the date he had… Maria shook her head as if to clear of of the thoughts filling her mind, she turned her attention back to the letter and began to read.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Hey Pixie Girl
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Short letter this time, I heard a song on the radio today, it's one of those cheesy pop songs from the 90's that I used to hate, but when I heard it, it kind of said everything I've been trying to say with my letters so I put the lyrics on the back. You should try and find it, it's one of those soppy love songs you used to pretend that you didn't like but probably listened to while alone in your room.
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I'm going to have to dive off right now I'll try and make my next letter a bit longer, what can I say my life has gotten boring of late, talk to you soon.
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Love Always
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Your Cheesehead
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Maria turned over the paper to read the song that had caught Michael's attention,
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Everybody's got something they had to leave behind
One regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time
There's no use looking back or wondering (or wondering)
How it could be now or neither been (or neither been)
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you know
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Chorus
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I never had a dream come true
Till that day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never felt the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you
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Somewhere in my memory I lost all sense of time
And so my road can never be 'Cause yesterday is all that fills my mind
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it should be now or neither been (or neither been)
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go
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Chorus
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You'll always be the dream that fills my head
Yes you will, say you will, you know you will, baby
You'll always be the one I know I'll never forget
There's no use looking back or wondering (or wondering)
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try I just can't say goodbye No no no no
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Chorus
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A part of me will always be with you...
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Maria placed the letter on the top of the others, typical Michael, he never failed to surprie her. As she fought to try and compose herself her eyes fell on the last item in the box the sketch pad. As she reached in she thought of all the times she had asked Michael to see inside his pad, he would never let her see it and now she finally had the chance to, she didn't know if she wanted to, she already felt drained from the letters.
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Oh well, it's now or never as Maria opened the book at the first page, the first drawing was of her, dressed as Tinkerbell for the 5th Grade Halloween. She remembered how obsessed Michael had been about her wings. He had caught every detail perfectly from her long springy curls to the gleam of mischief in her eyes. She could almost see the glitter on her face sparkling.
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She turned to the next picture to find a drawing of her covered in potato at their Thanksgiving dinner at the Crashdown, the next was her wearing Lizzie's Angel costume with the glittery modifications she had made to it.
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As she flicked trough the book it was like watching her life, but through his eyes and in his eyes she wasn't plain old Maria DeLuca, she was alive, sparkling, special. The later pictures were the ones that held the most interest for her.
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These ones weren't drawn from memory but from imagination. Every secret dream she had had, Michael had had too. There was one of her and Michael on their wedding day. One of them holding their first child. Their child's first day at school.
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Their family at Christmas.
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It was like looking at the life she had always wanted. Before Maria could stop herself she had thrown the book across the room.
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As the sobs started to break free from her throat she curled herself up on the chair. She cried for what seemed like hours. Cried for the life she never had, the family she never had, for the dreams and love that had never been allowed to be.
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She didn't understand it, Why did he run away, if he had wanted this as badly as she had then why had he thrown it all away.
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Deep down she knew why, nothing had scared Michael more than needing someone, not even loneliness.
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She knew sooner or later she would have to stop crying, and she would, soon, she would stop, she would get up and put the letters and sketch book back in the box, and she would move on with her life.
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But not right now, right now she wanted to keep crying, for the love she lost, for the life she lost and for the lost lonely little boy who would rather have died, than ever really live.
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~Finis~
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"Love letters straight from your heart
Keep us so near while apart"