WARNING: THE CONTENT CAN BE TRIGGERING TO SOME PEOPLE

I grew up almost all alone, no mama, no papa, no fratella, just a fratello. He doesn't come home much, though, I don't think he likes me. I grew up like this, yet, I'm not lonely. People are surprised when they hear my story, but I just shake my head and smile. I have no one close to me, yet, when I walk through the town, I see everyone smile back at me. Seeing people be happy, like this, it is what keeps me going. I want everyone to be the happiest they can be, no one should deserve to be lonely, I think. That's why I love my town, when everyone lives close together, and share their joy with one another, in a community. But sometimes, just for one minute, I close my eyes and think about what it would be like having someone care deeply for you, take care of you, and maybe even make pasta for you. That would be nice, but, I am happy now and so is everyone else and that is all that matters. I am Feliciano Vargas.

Fratello came home, yelling and screaming at me, I don't know why. I have a feeling something is happening. All I could make out was something about running away and Germany and some other countries. I'm sure it's no big deal, fighting happens a lot everywhere. It shouldn't, I think there is no need to worry, being happy is what cheers you up so I will try to be happy. I am Feliciano Vargas.

Fratello told me to stay home and not to go out, I'm not sure what's happening. But once I noticed we ran out of pasta, I just had to go to the market to buy some more. I know it is not very good to disobey him, but I'm so hungry and there's nothing else to it. It's just a quick walk, I won't be gone for long. Sorry, Fratello. I am Feliciano Vargas.

The market was unusually empty and I didn't know why. I saw some strange men wearing uniforms there, I figured they weren't from here, speaking in a different language, I couldn't quite tell what it was. They saw me, and they ran towards me, pushing me down, I could see they had weapons. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, I tried calling out, but I couldn't. Was this what Fratello had warned me about? Suddenly I was pushed back up to my feet, they dragged me, saying I should follow them. I didn't want to, but they held me too tight for me to struggle. They dragged me to what seemed like a train, but it wasn't a passenger train. Then, they shoved me into a box car with several hundreds of other people, even some I knew. Seeing them, I wasn't scared anymore, wherever we were going, we were going together, and that's all that mattered. We were sent somewhere, together. But would we be able to stay close, together? I'm sorry, fratello. I am Feliciano Vargas.

We stayed in the cramped box car for days. They didn't allow us to leave, not even to go to the bathroom. We didn't have fresh air and we got only a piece of hard bread to eat. Slowly, the weaker people started getting sick. And the sick, the sick started dying. I watched many of their deaths, and I was powerless to help them. These people, these were the people I saw everyday in town. These were the people that greeted me with a smile and now, they say goodbye to me, in this concealed box car. Their lives all becoming worthless. We weren't happy anymore, as much as I tried, I could not stay happy. Being happy was all that mattered to me and now, it is as the significance of life itself is gone. Wherever we are going, it cannot be worse than this. I'm sorry, fratello, help me. I am...Feliciano Vargas.

Finally, we arrived in a week. Most of the people in my train car are either sick, or dead. Their bodies were piled up then thrown to the tracks as if they were trash. What a sight to see, what a sight to watch my friends die. We got to a "camp" as they called it, we were sent there to work, I assumed. It was because of the war, wasn't it? I had collected new information from those around me, they were Germans. We each were assigned to barracks and given clothes, the men separated from the women and children, I wonder how long we have to stay here. The camp is solitary, there is nothing but plain fields all around us, no where to run. At last, when I had changed my clothes and rested for the slightest bit, we were called in to see a doctor. I hope he takes care of the sick, I don't want anyone else to die. Once I saw him though, he didn't seem friendly at all. He snatched my arm, imprinting a number on it with ink, he did that to everybody. The elders or the ones unfit for working were sent to the showers, a shower sounds good right now. Tomorrow, we start to work right away, I don't like this, something doesn't feel right. I am sorry, fratello. I am….Prisoner 09886.

My first day was more than exhausting, I spent all day making metal sheets, like a factory. My second day was worse, my arms were numb from carrying heavy metal pipes for hours. My third day, I had just gotten used to the routine: work, eat, work, sleep. Again and again, sometimes we'd skip out on one of those things, but it was never work. But I kept up with it, I tried making myself happy again, I tried so hard, I truly did…...it was hopeless. How could this world be so dark? They were humans just like us, why were they doing this? Why couldn't we work together like a community back home? I always thought humans were born with the idea to be innocent, but now, I'm beginning to question if mankind is inherently evil? Are we just raised to think everyone should be equal and treated fairly and right? If we were to only be taught how to survive, we would kill of the weak for sure wouldn't we? Is that what these people are doing, surviving? To be better than the rest, why is that a need? I just want….everyone to be happy. I am sorry, fratello. I am Prisoner 09886 and questioning my life.

It has been five months since I came to this concentration camp, I have gotten used to the hard work, the blisters on my hands now rough spots on my skin. I have gotten used to the routine. I have gotten used to going without food or water of days. It is all normal here in Hell. But, I cannot go on. On hard times is when I rely on others, only, that the others...are dead. Almost everyone I knew from my home is sick, dying, or rotting some place. I've become a pawn for these dictators, dare I not call them "people". I have acquired a knife from one of the metal scraps, but I don't have the will to hurt anyone else. I will hurt myself instead, what is there to lose? A few drops of my blood each day is nothing compared to the pain I feel mentally. I want to go anywhere but here. I am sorry, fratello. I am Prisoner 09886 and suicidal.

I tried it today, I really did. I tried to stab myself, but I was stopped. This boy, miraculous blue eyes and pulled-back blond hair, he saved my life. He was one of them, I'm sure, but he didn't seem like he belonged. He talked to me, like he cared. He comforted me, like he cared. I don't know if he cared, but I did. This boy, he can be scary on the outside, looking like a soldier, looking like a cold-blooded assassin. But I saw what was on the inside today. I saw the sympathy in his eyes and the care in his words, I saw it all. I am but a worthless prisoner inside this dystopian world, if he is my hope then, oh god please let me see him again. I am sorry, fratello. I am Prisoner 09886 and Ludwig saved my life.

A week later, I saw him again! He brought me a ration of bread, but he denied it was out of his free will. Whatever it was, I am thankful. He doesn't smile much, but I think that's just because he's a little lonely on the inside. Once, I made him smile, and it made me so happy. It's been a long while since I've ever felt true happiness, and to think it was because of Ludwig, I don't ever want to see him leave. Sometimes, when he's supervising my work, he tells me stories of how he wants to move up ranks to service his country. Then I ask him, why he wants to service his country if they are killing so many innocent people. After, he gets angry and doesn't answer, he just leaves. I don't like it when he leaves, it makes me feel lonely once more. I believe, that if we are both lonely, then we come together, we won't be lonely anymore. I see Ludwig everyday now, we are slowly becoming good friends. I never expected to become friends with one of them, but I proved it to be wrong. I asked him if we were friends, and he just replied that we were acquaintances. I laughed, because I just think he is too stubborn to admit it. I am sorry, fratello. I am Prisoner 09886 and Ludwig is my best friend.

I wish I would have listened to you, fratello. I wish I was safe back home, oh how I wish. I saw too much, I wish I'd never opened my eyes to the real world. It is too late to turn back now, this is my life, burning dead bodies, the bodies of my friends. The stench is so strong it sticks to my clothes and reminds me of it everyday. I can't stand it, I want to die with them. Each night I mourn but no more tears come out, tears are not enough to express this sentiment. Each night, Ludwig finds me, he comforts me and makes me happy, so I hug him. He hugs me back, reminding me of the human warmth I once lost long ago, of what happiness is….of what love is. I'm so thankful to him. Until this one unforgiving day, he was sent away. We spent our last day together like all the other days, not wanting to be found out. The night of that day, I couldn't believe they were taking him away from me, I didn't want to believe it. It was as if all my hope and love and happiness was being stripped out of my soul all over again, I knew I wouldn't be able to recover this time. All I could do was hug him, holding him tight, never wanting to let go. He did the same and I cried for him, my tears staining his enemy uniform. He told me he would try to come back, that he was just moving up ranks, and I lied to myself and believed it, even though it was not true, it was all meaningless. At least, morning came and it was time for his departure. I watched him, not fluttering an eyelid, and he left me, along with my heart. I am sorry, Fratello. I am Prisoner 09886 and Ludwig is gone forever.

Things aren't the same anymore, I don't work as hard as I used to and the other guards have taken notice. They hit me with their weapons and call me weak, then they throw me to the ground and refuse to let me eat. But I withstand the pain because I've known worse. After Ludwig left, it's as if everything went back to black and white, meaningless. Once when I was wandering around the barracks, I found and old notebook, all the pages blank and with a small pencil in the binding. I decided to pick it up and draw. I drew sceneries, I drew people having fun, I drew animals, nature, and I drew Ludwig. I drew him so much that the pages took more than half of the notebook. I drew him with different emotions, happy, sad, angry, laughing, and it made me smile, I wanted him to see it to so, perhaps he could smile. I knew there was no way of sending postcards out of the camp, so I took a different route. I am sorry, fratello. I am Prisoner 09886 and I make paper planes.

Every day I send out a paper plane to Ludwig, hoping to catch a good wind. Every day, I made new paper planes, sometimes with a drawing, sometimes with words. But I do not miss a single day nor a single chance to throw one. I watched the planes fly with the wind, over the barbed wire surrounding the camp. I watched them soar freely into the sky, it felt as if pieces of my soul were being liberated one by one. How much freedom I felt, releasing those planes to the above. I wish that Ludwig would find one, just one and maybe smile and think of me once more, maybe send one back. I write out my mind and soul into those paper planes, who would've thought something so fragile and weak could be so liberating and strong. But one day, I was caught. A wild turbulence threw my plane off its path and into an enemy's. It was not long before they questioned me, harshly, concluding that I was a spy. I pleaded them not to harm Ludwig and that he had nothing to do with me, but they didn't listen, they concluded he was a spy as well. I am sorry, fratello. I am Prisoner 09886 and I am a "dangerous spy for the Italian Resistance."

I have been kept captive in a different place for about a month now. They have been questioning me since then, cutting off two of my fingers in order to get their non-existent answer. I even thought of making up things so they can let me go, but that would put other lives in danger...other lives...other humans...they will kill them, they will not live happily. So I stay quiet, let them do what they want to my body, it is useless since my soul has been freed long ago, my paper plane soul, I sent it to Ludwig. Realizing this, I wait for my one chance to leave my cell, when they come to question me again. I will wait for that time. I am sorry, fratello. I am free and I will see you soon.

The next day, they come to take me out of my cell to question me as I expected. I let them lift my heavy limbs off of my metal plate I refuse to call a "bed". I wait for the right moment as the guard turns around. Using my last bit of strength to grab at his weapon and take it from him. I point my dangerous "key" to him and he freezes. But I know I will never kill another living being. I am not a monster like they are. He probably has a family and children, he has much to live for and be happy. I then turn the weapon to my head, close my eyes, take a deep breath, and I pull the trigger. I am sorry, fratello. I am sorry Ludwig. I am a brave coward, I will watch over you, please don't get angry at me.