Title by my English Studying university friend Nicole who I sit there every night and moan about spoilers to. I love her lots, even if she doesn't give a shit about Hollyoaks or Stendan. :)

Dear Brendan.

I know you will probably never read this, it's just I find it hard to talk to people out loud about how I'm feeling right now. I suppose I just prefer to write my feelings down on paper. I've somehow become a master of painting on a happy face in public, when inside all I want to do is scream; so that everybody knows I'm not okay. I'll never be okay. I'm alone. I don't have you anymore.

It's almost as if I have two lives now that you're not in mine all the time. By day, I'm happy go lucky Ste; serving customers in the deli, having a bit of banter with them, almost forgetting anything ever happened all those months ago. Then 5 o'clock comes round. I go home, put the key in the door. I half-expect the lights to be on, the radio up loud and to see you dancing away and then stopping suddenly when you realise I'm watching you, creasing up with laughter. I realise now I'll never experience all those domestic moments again. I'll never feel your lips on mine and your arms encasing me in your grasp. I'll never be greeted with a "hello" kiss that would turn into so much more promise. I'll never have you popping into the deli every bloody lunchtime for your signature jam sandwich, which you'd somehow bribe me to give to you for free. I'll never see you and that gorgeous smile of yours again.

I look at the few photographs we took together everyday, and the sly ones of you I took when you wasn't looking. That's one thing I regret, not capturing our memories camera-wise. Sure, I'll never forget them of course I won't. Every single one will remain in my mind forever, it's just not the same when you can have photographic-evidence of our times plastered all over the walls. Like the time you and Leah made me a cake, the first time she called you Daddy Brendan. That was special, but I just wish I took a picture of the both of you or something. That'll always hurt actually, we could have been a proper little family. The Brady-Hays, I like that. It just sounds perfect, like we were.

I know you never fully forgave yourself for what you put me through, what you put us through, but I understand why now. I get the reasons and I don't know if you heard me when you was slipping away but I told you that; I told you I forgave you. It's true and I'll always love you Brendan. I never really told you before but you were everything to me. I'd wake up happy straight away because you were lying next to me, trapping me in the bed with your legs not allowing me to move. It was little things like that I missed in the beginning. I remember the first morning, I just had to phone your mobile just to hear that voice of yours.

"Hi Brendan Brady here, can't come to the phone right now I'm busy..." Then you'd hear me in the background shouting "With Steven."

I miss you everyday of my life, and I can't function properly without you near me all the time.

Remember when we started this roller-coaster "real" relationship in Dublin? The time your soppy side made an appearance and you said "I love you, I can't live my life without you, I love you Steven?" Well that's me right now ain't it? I can't do this anymore Brendan, I can't live my life without you. I've got nothing left. You were the only thing I had and I didn't want to let it go. Amy still won't let me have contact with the kids, Cheryl's swanned off with Nate, Doug's all loved up. Nobody cares about shitty old me anymore. The only person who cared at all about me was you, and then you got taken away by that bastard. My life isn't worth living if your not a part of it. That's why I'm doing this. That's why I'm sitting here stuffing these fucking pills down my throat with a cocktail of vodka. I know you'd tell me not to be so stupid and how you're not worth it, but that's the thing; you are! If I even get one more minute with you, Brendan it'll all be worth it. I never believed in God before, but now I do for some reason. I believe if I do this, we will be together and this time it will definately be forever. Nobody can take you away from me this time, and I guess in some way we can have the future that you promised me.

I love you so much Brendan.

See you soon.

Steven x

Sorry if I depressed you all, I just had to write this and let the tears flow...