Author's Note: I know, I know, two in one week, right? Anyway, couldn't sleep so here's what I started thinking about. Let me know what you think, as always. And thank you for the kind words in advance.
Timeline: Early season 4. After the first three eps. Not spoilerish beyond JJ being pregnant.
I don't know what the sex of JJ's baby is, just taking a guess
He's not sure why he offers to join her.
That's not exactly true. There's a logic to his decision. One that even makes sense. After all, he's been here before. He knows what it's like. And she shouldn't be alone for this.
But if he's honest, it's more than that.
It's a need to be part of this.
After all, she's a friend.
Part of his family.
Still more, he admits to himself.
The important part.
Right. Because it reminds him of the first time he saw Jack.
He has a clinical mind and he's seen and read a lot. Haley's ultrasound wasn't the first that he'd even seen.
But he remembers quite clearly how amazed he was.
How simply blown away he was.
Because you can't profile a miracle.
He misses Jack a lot these days. Which is not to say that he doesn't miss her as well, but he's come to terms with her loss, even if he still doesn't quite understand how everything fell apart so quickly.
He has his theories.
He suspects she met someone.
The part of him that loves her hopes that if she did, that man is taking care of her, making her happy in a way that he obviously could not.
The part of him that is emotional and hurt is angry, however.
Because he really did stupidly believe that they would be together forever.
He likes to think he's moved on, but he's honest enough to admit that it's more that he's fallen backwards. Into work.
Into making a difference.
This job cost him his marriage.
It's more than that, though. The job is just the category, but it's the compulsion that really did the damage. The compulsive inability to close his eyes without thinking about the monsters.
It was bad when he was a DA. He had trouble sleeping, he had to walk around down in the kitchen some nights, trying to exhaust himself so that he could go back to bed.
It usually worked. After a few laps, a couple spoonfuls of peanut butter, maybe a quick glass of wine, he'd slip back into bad next to her, move close and feel her breath against his cheek.
Touch her chest and feel her heartbeat.
After that, he was almost always to find sleep.
The BAU changed everything. It acted like heroine to that compulsion. It turned the volume up, made him see everything in vivid color.
How horrible human beings could really be.
How fucked up the world really is.
Suddenly those late night kitchen walks became journeys around the block. Maybe two or three times, just so that he could clench his fists in private and still make the rest of the world think that he was in perfect control.
Sleep became all about short bursts of time when his eyes were closed.
The nightmares – always a troubling side effect of being a cop – became a constant companion.
He thinks now that he made a mistake with those. She always wanted to talk about them, but he never would. He never could.
Somewhere along the line, he realizes that she stopped asking him to share.
It's a thundering realization, this.
Maybe even the moment when everything broke for good.
"Hotch?"
He looks up and realizes that he's standing above JJ's desk. He came here to offer to go with her and apparently lost himself in his own mind.
"Sorry. I had a question for you."
She lifts an eyebrow, shifts herself uncomfortable. She still hasn't come to terms with the changes in her body. She expects to be able to move herself like she still has her lithe frame. Needless to say, she's rather frustrated by the reality of the situation.
"Sure," she replies, reaching for a bottle of water.
"Did I hear right? Will got held up and isn't going to be make it in time for the ultrasound this afternoon? I mean, if you don't mind me asking."
Something flickers in her eyes and he immediately knows that she does mind. He starts to step backwards, a hand lifting up apologetically. He opens his mouth to speak, but she cuts him off. "No, I…I don't…you heard right. There's weather issues at the airport. He's grounded until morning."
"Oh." And for a moment there's silence as he considers whether to ask the question he came here to ask.
He doesn't want to intrude. Hat he cares about her deeply is no secret, but he's vividly aware of the lines that his team has drawn.
Protective and careful.
All so wounded, all so scared of showing weakness and vulnerability.
"Was that the question?" she finally prompts. She knows it wasn't.
"No," he admits. "I uh…I wanted…JJ, if you'd like company this afternoon, I…I would be happy to go with you."
"Hotch, that's really nice, but you don't have to. I'll be okay."
"I don't doubt that. Not for a minute. It's just…you're finding out if it's a boy or girl today, right?"
"Yeah. If it wasn't for how hard it is to schedule appointments with this doctor, I'd have just called and pushed it back. Will said to go." She looks just a bit upset, but covers it well.
"I remember being there with Haley. It was…an amazing moment. One you shouldn't be alone for." He says his words slowly, carefully. He knows the power of what she's about to see and doesn't want to intrude if it's a moment that she wishes to keep for herself.
"You're sure?" she asks. Inwardly, he sighs with relief. He was right; she doesn't want to do this alone.
"I'd be happy to," he answers, still being careful. Because there's a part of this offer, the selfish part, that he doesn't want to show her.
"Okay, two o' clock."
He nods, smiles and exits the room. He steps back into his office, drops down into his chair and looks at the picture of Jack that's on his desk.
He closes his eyes and wonders what his son is doing now.
JJ and Will picked the best OB-GYN in the DC area. She's a pretty woman named Dr. Gayle. Intensely busy, but immediately likeable.
JJ introduces him as her friend, not her boss. He's incredibly touched by this, but he'll never tell her that. It's their understanding.
On the screen, the baby appears. Big and healthy. He knows before Dr. Gayle even says it that JJ is having a boy. When the doctor announces it, he congratulates JJ, who is beaming.
He knows that she'd be beaming no matter what Dr. Gayle had said.
Because it's becoming real now and all fears and reservations aside, every time she sees her child on that monitor, she falls a bit more in love.
He remembers being amazed by the depth of his feelings the first time he saw Jack on the screen. An explosion in his chest. Like nothing he'd ever felt before. He wondered at the time if he was having a heart attack.
It was only later that he had realized that what he had been feeling was something he could only describe as "absolute".
Absolute love. Absolute protectiveness. Absolute devotion. Absolute everything.
He sees that look on her face now. Sees the shimmer of tears in her eyes.
When they leave the OB-GYN, they walk in silence for several moments, all the way to the parking garage. His eyes stray to the picture she's holding. For Will. So that he can have the moment, too.
Just as they get in the car, she asks, "Are you okay?"
He blinks, not having expected that. "Yeah, why?"
"Because as much as I appreciated you doing this with me and I really do, I think maybe this isn't really about me."
He considers lying to her, but her look tells him he shouldn't even bother. "You're right. I…I miss him," he finally admits.
She offers him a small smile and then reaches out, takes his hand and squeezes it. "Thank you."
He nods slowly. "Thank you."
And they understand each other perfectly. The doors to the SUV shut and as he starts the engine, he asks, "Any ideas for names?"
"A few. Some terrible ones."
"Haley liked Sebastian."
"Will likes Wesley. Wesley LaMontagne."
And then they both laugh.
He's not terribly sure why he made the offer, but he's glad he did.
-FIN