As James Taylor began his stripped down version of "A Change is Gonna Come," Jed held out his hand for Abbey to take. Then he covered her hand with his other one, in a poignant urgency. She looked at him, wondering what prompted this intimate public display of affection.
Abbey and Jed, though very affectionate in private, preferred to keep their physical tenderness away from prying eyes.
Jed continued caressing Abbey's hand, as the lyrics, "But I'm afraid to die" lingered in his mind.
Eventually, Abbey leaned over and whispered in his ear, "You're very friendly tonight." She said it half-jokingly, but she wanted to know what was on her husband's mind.
"Just 'cause I can't keep my hands off you?" He attempted to say suavely, before turning away from her questioning gaze.
She kept looking at him, waiting for a real answer, knowing something more was going on. "What is it?"
He gave a weak shake of his head, still looking straight ahead, as one last attempt to dismiss it.
Jed took a beat. "I didn't see the flag," he whispered, tilting his head toward her.
"What?" She leaned in closer.
"The green flag. I didn't see it." Abbey's face started to fall. "I couldn't tie my tie. I haven't been able to focus or see out of my right eye since early yesterday morning."
Abbey was stricken, her eyes welling and her shoulders fighting not to slump.
"I didn't see the flag," he ended. She looked at him. He couldn't take it, so he looked away again, but he squeezed her hand.
Even in her shock, Abbey held tightly to his hand.
When the song ended, they stood and reluctantly unclasped their hands so they could applaud, the emotional pain of having to extract themselves from one another not lost on either of them.
They walked back to the residence in silence, their arms tightly around each other's waist.
Jed pushed opened the door of the bedroom and led Abbey over to the couch. She snuggled up to him, needing to stay as close to him as possible.
"This doesn't mean it's turning into secondary progressive," she finally managed to say.
He didn't respond, so she continued. "Look, you have the China summit coming up. You're stressed. We'll have you checked out in the morning."
"But what if it is?" he asked with trepidation.
"Then we'll handle it," she said resolutely, staring straight into his eyes.
"Abbey…" he began, trying to get her not to minimize this. "We've reached that benchmark where relapsing remitting can turn to secondary." He looked at her, willing her to understand that this might not be an attack that would go away in a few hours or days.
"If that's the case, we'll do what we have to do," she said with assurance.
He was trying not to be irritated by her positive attitude. "It's nice that you can be so sure everything will turn out okay."
She was a little stunned by his lack of optimism. Usually he was cavalier about his disease, acting as if he were invincible.
"Jed, what are you afraid of?" she asked, willing him to share what was bothering him.
"Abbey, what if I can't…what if I can't make love to you anymore?" He couldn't make eye contact with her, and she could see his body sinking in despair.
It was something they rarely spoke about because it was too painful. They knew the possibility of sexual dysfunction one day was real.
"Jed, look at me. Please." She took his hand and placed it on her heart, covering it with her own hand. "The depth of my love for you is so deep I can't see the bottom." A tear started rolling down her cheek. "When you're inside me, when you make love to me, it's transcendent. It's sacred to me." More tears glided down her cheeks, as she continued. "But my love for you goes beyond our physical expression. You will always be the handsomest, most frustrating, most brilliant, most caring man I've ever met. There may come a point when even if MS doesn't hinder our sex life, age will. But there are drugs, there are toys, there are all kinds of things we can do, if we want. But babe, all you have to do to satisfy me is hold me and never let me go."
Even as well as he knew this beautiful woman sitting next to him, Jed was still surprised at her capacity for wisdom and love. He wiped the tears that were pooling in his eyes. Jed pulled Abbey closer, grasping her face in his hands and staring into her gorgeous green eyes. "I love you so much, Abbey Bartlet." He kissed her and held her in his arms until they both fell asleep.
~The End~