I was kneeling next to his bed, afraid to get too close in case I hurt his recently re-broken bones. I was struggling with the newfound knowledge that I was in love with him, despite being head over heels for someone else. We were having a heart to heart, but it was mostly just him, getting his heart broken.
A smile flashed across his face briefly, and then he twisted his expression into a fierce scowl.
"Kissing me back like that was inexcusable". He spat the words at me. "If you knew you were just going to take it back, maybe you shouldn't have been quite so convincing about it".
I winced and nodded "I'm so sorry".
"Sorry doesn't make anything better, you should have just told me to go die. That's what you want".
"No, Jacob", I whimpered, fighting against the tears that were threatening to spill. I couldn't imagine a world without Jacob. Without the sun, my personal sun. "No, never!". The tears had now begun to fall.
He shifted his weight, throwing his good leg off the side as though he was about to stand.
"What are you doing?" I demanded through the tears.
"Lay down, you idiot, you'll hurt yourself". I jumped up and used both my hands on his good shoulder to push him back down.
He surrendered, leaning back with a gasp of pain but grabbed my waist and pulled me down on the bed, against his good side.
I felt a jolt of something unfamiliar as his hot skin brushed against the exposed skin on my side. I quickly brushed it aside.
"You're freezing" he murmured as he pulled me closer.
I curled up against his warmth, trying to stifle my growing sobs against his pillow. Eventually, they slowed and we laid there in silence.
My thoughts began to run wild. I felt at home here with Jacob, laying by his side as he held me close. Was I really doing the right thing by marrying Edward?
I was still only 17, but marriage was what Edward wanted and I wanted to be with Edward so I agreed to marry him. I could see two futures for myself, one where I married Edward, became a vampire and lived as an immortal creature for eternity. Rich beyond my wildest dreams with everything I could ever desire. I would leave behind everyone that I love and eventually they would all die. But at least I would have Edward.
In the other future, I could see myself growing old with Jacob, spending Christmas and Thanks Giving with Charlie or Billy or both, holidays with Renee. I saw two little black haired children running through the forests of La Push, sitting on Billy's knee around the campfire, listening to the stories of the Quileute people from long ago.
I found myself questioning everything I thought I wanted with Edward. I didn't want to lose my parents, my friends, Jake. I imagined the look on Charlies face when he would get the call that I had died. How could I do that to my family?
Jake brought his hand up and held his palm to my cheek.
"Bells, I'm going to give in" he whispered, bringing me out of my thoughts.
"What do you mean by that?" I asked, turning to face him.
"I'll be your friend Bella" He said quietly. "I won't ask for more than that".
"I think it's too late for that Jake, how can we be friends when we love each other like this?" my question was honest and full of emotion.
He stared up at the ceiling as if searching for an answer that was written there.
"Maybe… it will have to be a long-distance friendship" he answered. "I'm not going to tear you apart anymore Bella, I give up… Edward has won".
I understood what Jacob was saying. He was trying to prove to me that he loved me more than Edward. Enough to surrender. To let me follow the path I chose. That was the difficulty, laying here with Jacob felt so right, I could easily choose him right now.
He was quiet for a few moments. He seemed to be waiting for me to say something. I was trying to think of what to say, but was lost for words.
"Can I tell you what the worst part is Bella?" He said hesitantly, bringing me out of my thoughts once again.
"Will it help?" I whispered?
"It won't hurt" he answered. "The worst part is knowing what could have been" he said, when I didn't speak.
"What might have been" I sighed.
"No", Jacob shook his head. "I'm exactly right for you Bella. It would be as easy as breathing with me. You wouldn't have to change a thing". He stared up at the ceiling again and I waited, words evading me.
After a long pause, Jake's face changed. The seriousness disappeared and he said with a smile, "So you're getting married, huh?"
"Yeah, I guess". Jake was silent. He seemed to be thinking again.
"What do you mean? I thought you said yes to him?" Jake said with slight anxiety in his voice.
"I just don't know if it's what I really want. Not right now anyway" I said, truthfully. "I can't live without you Jake, or Charlie or Renee. I'll be giving up so much". He was silent again. "Maybe if I just put it off a few years, I will know for sure that it's what I want" I went on, hoping that he would understand how messed up I was feeling.
"well, I'll always be waiting in the wings Bella" he promised, releasing me from his grip. I pulled away and got up to leave, taking it as a sign that it was time for me to go. "You'll always have an option if you want it".
"Until my heart stops beating, right?" I said with an effort to smile
"Maybe even then… if I can stand to be around you" he said, grinning up at me.
"should I come back to see you?" I asked as I turned towards the door.
"maybe... just give me some... time?" he said with a wince that suggested he was in pain. I moved back towards him and leant down to kiss his head. He closed his eyes and with a smile, his breathing deepened as he drifted into a medication induced sleep.
As I walked out of Jacobs bedroom, I thought about everything that had gone through my head while I had laid next to Jake. I had questioned my future with Edward, that's clear. I loved Edward, and until this morning, I thought I loved only Edward. But now I knew that my heart belonged equally to two men. And I had to choose.
As I drove away from Jacobs house, I couldn't contain my emotions any longer. I pulled over on the side of the road and broke down into heavy sobs that shook my whole body. I had to make a choice about who and what I wanted for my life. I had realised that the words I spoke to Edward when I told him that I loved him more than I loved Jacob were not entirely accurate. I loved them both. Both the same. There was not one of them that I could truthfully say I wanted more. Edward was my everything, he was the reason I lived, but Jacob was my soul mate, my sun. There was a choice I had to make, once and for all and I had to do it now.
After what felt like an eternity, I calmed down enough to start the engine of my truck and head for home.
By the time I pulled in the driveway at Charlies, I had made my decision. The path I would take would change the entire course of my life. The life I had imagined for myself just days before would no longer exist.
Now the hardest part would be telling Edward. I knew how he felt about our future and telling him of my decision was going to break his stone heart.