Screwed and Swirled
By: Lauthica Green Clinkenbeard
DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN THE LORD OF THE RINGS OR ANY OF THE CHARATURES FROM ANY OF THE MOVIES, BOOKS, ETC, ETC…THE ORIGINAL CHARACTURES ARE MINE HOWEVER ANY ORGANIZATIONS THEY BELONG TO, CLOTHES THAT THEY WEAR, WORLDS OR KINGDOMS THEY LIVE IN ARE NOT, ETC, ETC, ETC. THIS STORY WAS MADE FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND I DON'T EXPECT NOR EVEN WANT ANY MONETARY GAIN. THIS DISCLAIMER APPLIES TO EVERY CHAPTER, EVERY SENTENCE, EVERY WORD, EVERY LETTER, ETC, ETC, ETC. ANY REFERENCES TO ANY SONGS, DRINKS, AND SITUATIONS BELONG TO THEIR RESPECTIVE OWNERS. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO PEOPLE LIVING OR DEAD IS COMPLETELY CONICIDENCE. THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION. CONTAINS STRONG ADULT MATERIAL SUCH AS DRUG USE, STRONG LANGUAGE, VIOLENCE, ADULT SITUATIONS, AND SEXUAL CONTENT AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 18 PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS STORY. THIS STORY MAY CONTAIN PLOT SPOILERS IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE BOOKS, WATCH THE MOVIES, OR PLAYED ANY OF THE GAMES. You get the drift?
Author's Note: Hello Fans! I'm back! I know that many of you have been waiting a long time since I last posted anything and I fully intend to return to the other woks within the next few weeks. I experienced a very tragic death in my immediate family and it's taken me a long time to get back not only onto my feet, but also get back into my right mind as well. And if you are reading my work for the first time, I welcome you. To my diehards this story may seem a little odd compared to my other more serious works. It was born on my friend's porch after a few beers and a cloud of bubble fumes from a children's birthday party and is entirely a parody story based solely for the purpose of comedy, so please don't flame me too badly in the reviews. This story is dedicated to my friend, Eden as her birthday present. I hope all, old and new, will enjoy it.
Sincerely, Lauthica Green Clinkenbeard
Chapter One: Disheveled
The bar counter shook as the four friends slammed down their now empty shot glasses.
"Cheers!"
"To Frank!"
"Happy Birthday, Frank!"
"Aw, thanks guys," Frank said as he ran his hand through his curly, black hair and wiped away a few drops of whiskey from his burly, beard.
"We couldn't have done it without Sam," said another man wearing a black, skull and crossbones bandana that tapered into his long, brown ponytail, "She closed the bar early for us,"
"I never would have thought you would ever own a bar," said a small, redheaded woman toward the bartender, "She talked about it for years and years. I never thought it was going to happen,"
"Gee, thanks Michelle," Sam said as she gathered up the empty shot glasses, "And go fuck yourself," she said laughing as she reached for the half-empty bottle of Jim Beam's Devil's Cut. "Frank, Michelle, Lance, are you guys ready for another?"
"No, no!" Lance, the man with the ponytail, said holding up his hand, "I'm all whiskied out, but I'll take a Jager Bomb,"
"Vegas bomb!" Michelle, the small redhead, exclaimed as she held up her Mike's Hard Lemonade into the air.
"I'll stick with whiskey," Frank said as he chugged down the rest of his Bud Light, "And beer me,"
Sam, a tall, voluptuous blonde, fixed their shots and handed out the beers and cocktails for another two hours. Michelle proceeded to blow up the juke-box with Hip Hop while fighting with Lance who wanted a power-hour of Gun's N Roses while ripping off his Goonies T-shirt and dancing on and off the pool table. Frank chugged beers and downed shots until he threw up almost all of his funfetti cake and then continued to drink and repeat. Sam eventually gave up on keeping up with washing the glasses and joined the festivities of dancing, comforting the nauseated Frank, attempting to keep Lance clothed and keep him from breaking pool sticks over his knees, listened to a drunk and extremely over-emotional Michelle as she cried and complained about her asshole ex-husband, and unlocking the door for a couple of other friends who arrived at the party late; Kyle "The Bateman" and Jimmy, Michelle's current boyfriend.
"Frank?" Kyle asked sitting down at the table. Frank was slumped over sleeping with one of his eyes open and glossy, drooling on the table, and still holding onto his Bud Light with a deathlike grip. Kyle poked his friend a couple of times in his cheek only getting a grunt and a moan from the birthday boy, and turned toward Sam, "Yup, he's done." He said and let out a deep bellied laugh.
"Are you ok to take him home?" Sam asked.
"What? Me?" Kyle said, "No way! I live on the other side of town,"
"Oh! That's right, I forgot that Frank moved out and got his own place," Sam said.
"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Lance exclaimed as he ran past the table completely nude.
"Him," Kyle said pointing with his thumb, "I can handle,"
"Well, that's one off the list," Sam said glancing over at Michelle who was now openly weeping onto Jimmy's shoulder, "They will be walking back to her place…I guess I can take Frank home," Sam said standing up from the table, "Keep an eye on Sir Godiva and the emotional hobbit while Jimmy and I carry Frank to my truck,"
"Where the hell are Lance's clothes anyway?" Kyle asked bending over to pick up the remains of the Goonies t-shirt.
"He hides them," Sam said as she gestured toward Jimmy to come and help, "Easter's come early, good luck bud,"
After about twenty minutes of lugging drunk, dead weight through the deserted parking lot and coming to a negotiation with Lance that he didn't have the wear his pants in Kyle's car as long as he wore his underwear, which, much to Kyle's lack of luck, was a studded, leather thong, the friends parted their ways.
Frank snoozed away peacefully in the passenger seat of Sam's green F150 as she followed the directions Kyle had been nice enough to write down for her to Frank's new house. And Kyle hadn't been kidding about it being on the other side of town, it felt more like the other side of the county. Passing barns and cornfields she finally turned into the long, wooded. shady driveway.
"Jesus Christ, Frank," Sam said as she parked her truck by the front door, "Amityville much?"
She got out of the truck and circled around to the passenger door and opened it. Frank jolted half-awake and got out of the truck before face planting into the gravel.
"Oh for fuck sake, Frank," Sam said as she helped him back to his seat, "You're always going on about being Irish, start acting like it," Frank just groaned and leaned on her. She had already taken his keys before they even started the celebration and she fumbled with them in the lock until she finally found the right key and opened the door.
"Come on, birthday boy, do you want the couch or can you make it to your bedroom?" Sam asked as she propped Frank up against the wall.
"Bathroom," he slurred barely recognizable as English.
"What?" Sam asked.
"Toliet….Now…." Frank said
"Ok, ok," Sam said as she let Frank lean on her down the hall. Eventually they made it to the bathroom and Frank slumped down onto the floor. He took his cell phone out of his pocket and attempted to set it on the sink, but it only tumbled onto the floor. Sam went to grab it but Frank held up his hand.
"I'm good here," he said, "Just lock the door on your way o…..OUUUUUGGGHHCHHHHHHHCCHCCHCHHHHHH!" he said as more funfetti spewed into the toilet. Sam rolled her eyes.
"Nighty night," she said as she left the bathroom and out of the house, double checking to make sure it was locked. She left his keys in his mailbox and headed home. That was the last night anyone saw Frank.
"We are all worried," Sam said as she took a drag off of her cigarette. It had now been nearly four weeks since he disappeared and she sat comfortably in a patio chair on her friend Eden's porch. Eden was a stay at home mom and her nerdiest companion.
"I bet," Eden said handing her a fresh, cold beer.
"Kyle goes over to his house every day. The door is still locked, his keys still in the mailbox, and his car is still in the parking lot at my bar," Sam said as she opened the beer.
"That's creepy as fuck," Eden said lighting a cigarette.
"You should have seen the house," Sam said, "It's no wonder he got such a great deal on it,"
"Do you think he could be dead on the bathroom floor?" Eden asked.
"No, Kyle finally went in to check on day four and he was nowhere to be seen. His cell phone was even still lying on the floor," Sam said and then she chuckled.
"How can you laugh?" Eden asked.
"Maybe he found a small opening in his wall that transported him into the mind of John Malkolvich," Sam said and the two friends busted out laughing.
The next night, Sam was bartending and Eden was able to have a rare night out away from her kids. Kyle sat brooding at his usual seat at the bar downing shots of tequila and huge mugs of draft Woodchuck.
"I should have taken him home," Kyle said toward Eden.
"It wasn't your fault, and it wasn't Sam's fault. I'm sure he is fine and will be back any day," Eden said.
"He's my best friend," Kyle said almost near tears.
"Should we start putting his picture on milk cartons?" Eden asked.
"For Frank?!" Sam said and started to laugh, "We would have to put his picture on bottles of Bud Light and Jim Beam."
"What about that other guy?" Eden asked.
"What other guy?" Kyle asked.
"The naked one," Eden said.
"She's never met Lance," Sam said as she refilled Kyle's shot glass.
"Frank isn't with Lance, and besides, he went on vacation last week," Kyle said.
"Are you sure Frank didn't go with him?" Sam asked.
"I'm sure, I talked to Lance yesterday. He's in fucking Budapest," Kyle said as he took his shot angrily, "What kind of a friend takes off and goes to fucking Budapest when one of his friends goes missing and could be dead?!"
"Oh, Kyle," Sam said gently resting her hand on his shoulder, "We have to stay positive. It's Frank. He's a tough man. He can take care of himself and…"
The entire bar went silent as the side door slammed open so forcefully Sam thought the glass would surely shatter. A man entered wearing a long, green woolen tunic lined with furs. He had a shield on his back and a sword at his side. His hair was shaggy and his beard nearly dominated his face, smeared and caked in dirt and dried blood.
"Uh…You can't have that sword in here, pal," Sam said leaning on the bar. The man was frozen like a deer in headlights.
"I made it back?" he said barely above a whisper.
Eden gasped and Kyle's full mug fell from his hand.
"F….Frank?" Sam asked
"Frank!" Eden exclaimed.
Kyle stood up from the barstool, "Sam, get everybody out of this bar right now."
"What?" she asked.
"I'll pay the open tabs, get them out now!" Kyle yelled. Eden nearly jumped out of her skin. Kyle was an intimidating man; skin-headed with a long, bright red, braided Viking beard, broad shouldered and covered in tattoos and piercings, but he was always a kind and gentle guy. She didn't think she had ever heard him raise his voice before.
"You heard the angry, bald man," Sam yelled out over the crowd, "Get the fuck out of my bar, now!"
Everybody quickly filed out whispering among themselves, until it was just Sam, Eden, Kyle, and the disheveled Frank. Sam quickly shut off the open sign and locked both the front and side doors.
"Beer me," Frank said as he removed the shield from his back and headed toward a table to sit down.
"FUCK BEER!" Kyle yelled as he made a bee-line for Frank. He grabbed the smaller man by the neck hem of his tunic and lifted him off the ground and against the wall.
"Kyle!" Sam and Eden exclaimed as they rushed over to help.
"I WAS FUCKING WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU! I SEARCHED EVERYWHERE FOR HOURS! CONTACTED EVERYONE WE KNOW! WENT TO THE POLICE, AND EVEN DROVE OUT TO YOUR MOTHER'S HOUSE AND CHECKED THE FUCKING MORGUE ON A FUCKING REGULAR BASIS LOOKING FOR YOUR ASS! CRYING MY FUCKING EYES OUT EVERY FUCKING DAY, AND YOU WERE JUST AT SOME GAY ASS MEDIEVAL FAIR?!"
Sam and Eden managed to pull Kyle off of Frank.
"Calm down!" Eden yelled.
"Give him a chance to explain!" Sam yelled.
"What the fuck ever, dude," Kyle said and went back to his barstool. He reached over the bar and grabbed the entire bottle of tequila, pulled out the stopper, and started to chug it.
"Is that really you, Frank?" Eden asked.
"Yeah," he said, "It's really me…and could I get that beer now?" he asked. Sam hurried back behind the bar and grabbed a Bud Light and the bottle of Devil's Cut. Eden grabbed their shot glassed from the bar counter and hurried over to the table. Kyle remained at the bar glaring daggers at Frank, which was ironic because Frank actually did pull out a dagger and set it down. Sam handed him the beer and he nearly drank the whole bottle in one gulp.
"That's better," he said and he relaxed back in the chair and sighed.
"So?" Eden asked
"So what?" Frank asked back.
"So what?!" Kyle exclaimed from the bar.
"You shush!" Sam exclaimed giving him her middle finger and then turned back toward Frank, "What happened?"
"You wouldn't believe me even if I told you the truth," Frank said.
"It better fucking be the truth!" Kyle interjected again.
"Where were you?" Eden asked.
Frank just shook his head. Sam brought him another beer.
"Please tell us, Frank," Sam begged. "We were all worried about you? Where did you go?"
Frank gladly accepted the second beer and after another long chug, he set it down on the table, "I was in Middle Earth," he said with an expression of stone cold seriousness. Eden laughed so hard that beer nearly shot out of her nose.
"MIDDLE EARTH?!" Kyle exclaimed, "Ok, so what? Had such a great birthday that you decided to dress like a fag and take off to New Zealand without telling anybody?!"
"I wasn't in New Zealand, I was in Middle Earth," Frank said again.
"Frank," Sam said reaching out feeling his forehead, "Middle Earth isn't a real place. I would know. Eden and I are the Tolkien fanatics, not you. You hated The Lord of the Rings,"
"I fucking hate it even more now," he said and he poured himself a shot of whiskey.
"Ok, so how did you get to Middle Earth?" Eden asked. "I know they make some pretty good drugs nowadays, but damn, dude,"
"I didn't take any drugs, and I'm not going to tell you," Frank said as he downed the shot, "It's embarrassing,"
"Humour me," Kyle said crossing his arms.
"Please, Frank," Sam said, "Just tell us from the beginning,"
Frank sighed, "Alright," he said taking another deep gulp of beer, "The last thing I remember from the party was falling asleep on the table. Then I remember you," he said pointing to Sam, "helping me into the house. I had to throw up again and had you take me to the bathroom. I threw up and passed out hugging the toilet. I woke up a few hours later and flushed the toilet. I don't know what thoughts went through my drunken mind, but I got the idea of sticking my face into the flushing toilet to rinse off the puke. Everything got all swirly and seemed to move at the speed of light and then everything went black. When I opened my eyes I was lying in a big, green, rocky landscape. I walked around for hours with no sign of anything or anyone until a group of soldiers on horseback found me and took me as their prisoner. They kept me locked up for a week and then they took me to the king. They sentenced me to squire for some dude which I did until I realized one day while we were out riding I was back in the same green, rocky area. I escaped the riders and the next thing I knew I was back in my house next to the toilet."
Sam and Eden sat blinking and in silence staring at Frank. Kyle, who had his shot glass halfway to his mouth, was frozen. He blinked a couple of times and then poured the shot onto the floor and then tossed the glass over his shoulder. He stood and adjusted his t-shirt.
"Well," he said, "I've had enough. I never knew that too much tequila could cause hallucinations. Thanks, Sam, but I'm going home now." He said and he started toward the front door. "Oh!" he exclaimed and pointed at Frank, "If you really are Frank and if this is real you better fucking text me tomorrow. I'm beating your ass. Night, ya'll," he said and he left.
"I'm telling the truth!" Frank exclaimed.
"I believe you," Eden said fake smiling and slowly scooted the whiskey bottle away from Frank.
"Frank…." Sam whispered as she stared at him concerned.
"So, you bought a house, but instead of a wardrobe to Narnia, you got a toilet to Middle Earth. Kind of a 'shitty' trade off, but beggars can't be choosers," Eden said. "Could have been worse, you could have gotten a garage that leads to Jurassic Park."
"Eden?" Sam asked
"What?" she asked.
"I think I have to go to the bathroom," Sam said.
"Well, go pee," Eden said.
"Eden!" Sam said, "I….Have…..To….Go…To….The….Bathroom," Sam said stretching her voice and tilted her head toward the bathrooms.
"Oh!" Eden said and put her beer down, "Yup, I have to pee too. Come on,"
"We'll be right back, Frank. Help yourself to whatever you want," Sam said and the two women hurried off into the bathroom.
"What the fuck?!" Eden whispered.
"I know!" Sam said.
"What the hell did you guys use to bake his fucking cake?" Eden asked.
"Hey! It wasn't the cake!" Sam said crossing her arms, "Maybe someone did drug him and then they came back and kidnapped him after I left."
"Poor bastard, he really thinks he is telling the truth," Eden said, "We should probably take him to the hospital,"
"I think we should go and check out that toilet," Sam said.
"What?!" Eden exclaimed.
"Shhhhhhhhh!" Sam said holding up her finger to her mouth, "Maybe he is telling the truth."
"You cannot be serious," Eden said rolling her eyes.
"Well, you know how open minded I am. How cool would it be if it was real and we could go to Middle Earth. How much do we both love The Lord of the Rings." Sam said.
Eden threw her hands up into the air, "I ain't ever eating any of your cakes again,"
"Oh, come on!" Sam said, "So, what if he is making it up, it might help him recover better if he sees that it's just a normal toilet."
"You have got to be out of your fucking mind," Eden said.
"On one hand, we could go to Middle Earth, on the other we help our friend and possibly have him committed. Either way we win, we have got nothing to lose." Sam said.
Eden sighed, "Fine!" she exclaimed, "But I'm pouring some Lysol in that bitch before I got anywhere near it,"