Let me start with a little introduction. This is the revised version of
A Romp With the Death Eaters. I chose to revise it because I had a request for longer chapters. I hope this will be more entertaining for you. I've worked extremely hard(10 minutes) on this and expect it to be appreciated! Not really, but if you don't like it, don't be mean. I hope you enjoy a longer version of the first chapter! If you want to contrast the two versions for some reason, the other one is here, just click on my user name. If you do contrast the two, please tell me what you think is best. Thanks.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, JKR owns everything.
Chapter 1
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Voldemort has a plan.
A circle of Death Eaters gathered in the Forbidden Forest waiting for their master. He was ten minutes late and everyone was getting quite upset, with the exception of Peter Pettigrew. He was singing along to the newest Britney Spears tune on his headset whilst bobbing his head.
"Knock it off Peter!" shouted Snape.
Peter, who couldn't hear Snape's request, continued bobbing his head to the music.
Snape lifted one of Peter's earphones and said very audibly,"How many times do I have to tell you? Electronic devises don't work on Hogwarts' grounds."
The music abruptly stopped playing along with Peter's head-bobbing.
Meanwhile, something very Dark and disturbing was moving towards them in the shadows. The figure loomed with an ominouseness(like my word?) that only Richard Simmons is capable of. It loomed towards the gathered group, silently and stealthily, preparing to pounce when...
"GEE WIZ, Look everybody!" said a rosey-cheeked Lucius. "Voldemort's here!"
Snape grabbed Peter's walkman and clomped Lucius over the head with it. A red mark appeared on Lucius' face where he had been assaulted and he rubbed at the soreness that was forming, unaware of the damage it had caused to his flawless epidermis.
"You ruined it!!" said Voldemort menacingly. "How many times do I have to tell you that when I'm looming ominously in the shadows not to blurt out,'There's Voldemort!'? I'm in my sneaky mode and would prefer to give you all a bit of a fright if you don't mind. Let's try again, shall we?"
Voldemort stomped back into the Forbidden Forest and hid conspicuously behind a very small pine tree.
The Death Eaters' gazes followed the Dark Lord to his less than worthy hiding spot.
"Well, go on!" Voldemort yelled. "Start talking like you were a minute ago. Pretend you haven't seen me."
"This is futile," Snape muttered under his breath.
The Death Eaters turned away and awkwardly engaged themselves in conversation once more while Voldemort crept slowly and ominously behind them. Peter pulled out his new issue of Teen Beat and began to drool of the half-naked photographs of Britney Spears. He found a poster of Christina Aguilera and, thoroughly disgusted, ripped it out and stomped it into the ground.
"Britney's so much better than you," he yelled at the crumpled heap on the ground. "You're nothing but a filthy hooch, strutting around in those trashy outfits, IN PUBLIC! Britney would NEVER!"
"Oh, get off it Peter," yelled Voldemort from behind the tree. "Britney is dirty enough to play lesbian for a little publicity. What do you think of that?"
"Well, Christina did it, too!"
"Yeah, but no one noticed!"
"Would you quit?" yelled Snape. "I thought you were supposed to be sneaking up on us."
"Well, give me time! I'm not Speedy Bloody Gonzalas!"
Lucius, then became very interested in the crushed piece of paper that lay on the ground.
"How come I don't have those?" he muttered to himself while fondling his chest.
Meanwhile, Voldemort inched his way closer. Giggles emitted from a shrub nearby the assembled group and The Dark Lord prepared himself for the Simba-like pounce that would result in fear and intimidation. He readied himself, but as he was doing so his bald head peeked out from behind the shrub and Lucius looked up from the curious piece of paper he was holding in his hand.
"Look! Voldemort's come back, everyone!" Lucius exclaimed.
"You imbecile!" bellowed Snape as he clomped Lucius over the head with Peter's headset once more.
Another red mark, darker than the first one appeared on the other pale cheek and he immediately whipped out his handy-dandy-trusty portable mirror.
"ACK!" Lucius emitted an unnatural sound that could only be compared to a nuclear explosion. That is, a nuclear explosion that sounds a lot like 'ACK!'.
"Voldemort! Severus hit me on the head...twice! And now I have a mark! I was supposed to model for Neutrogena on Monday!" whinned Lucius as he tugged at the Dark Lord's robes.
"Silence!" yelled the Dark Lord, Lucius cringed. " How many times do I have to tell you? Don't call me Voldemort. I want my boys to love me and be greatly intimidated, not fear me. Call me Daddy.
"Now Lucius, tell Daddy where it hurts," Voldemort continued in as soothing a tone as he could muster. "We'll have you modelling for Neutrogena in no time!"
Lucius' cheeks turned even rosier around the bruises.
"Why did you call us here?" Snape said lazily clearly wanting to get off the subject of Lucius' double life.
"Impatient, are we?" said the Dark Lord. Snape nodded. Voldemort let out a long sigh. "Because I have a plan to get us the BESTEST hideout ever." beamed Voldemort.
"Oh Lord. We're not going back to that convent, are we? Those uniforms take all of the volume out of my hair and those tights really bind in the crotch..." said Snape with a painful look on his face.
"Nuns aren't supposed to wear tights," said Voldemort slowly.
"Anyway," said Snape quickly trying to cover his tracks,"What was this plan you were talking about?"
Voldemort mused some more over the mental image Snape had created for him, then began,"I have a plan to get us the BESTEST hideout ever! Dumbledore will never suspect us..." He then continued to laugh in his most evil laugh for anywhere from three to fifty minutes until Snape finally interupted him.
"Well, where is it?"
"Under Hagrid's cabin," said Voldemort simply. "All we have to do is dig a great big hole under Hagrid's cabin, Dumbledore will never susp-"
"Are you mad?" Snape bellowed. "Granted, Hagrid's not the most clever person on the Hogwarts grounds, but I'd think he'd hear fifteen some odd Death Eaters hacking away under his house."
There was a dramatic pause in which all of the Death Eaters looked uncertainly around at one another. Lucius was still fondling his breats.
"Well, I think it's a great idea," said Lucius in his most flattering voice. "Just because you can never be as evil as Voldemort..." he trailed off at the look on Voldemorts face. He had just called him Voldemort. Lucius backed away cautiously and made himself invisible behind Peter. Well, almost invisible, his white-blond hair was poking curiously out from behind Peter's head making quick jerking motions. Frightened sobs were audible.
There was another dramatic pause. Then Peter said," Can we have a ping-pong table?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Please read and review. Thanks!
A Romp With the Death Eaters. I chose to revise it because I had a request for longer chapters. I hope this will be more entertaining for you. I've worked extremely hard(10 minutes) on this and expect it to be appreciated! Not really, but if you don't like it, don't be mean. I hope you enjoy a longer version of the first chapter! If you want to contrast the two versions for some reason, the other one is here, just click on my user name. If you do contrast the two, please tell me what you think is best. Thanks.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, JKR owns everything.
Chapter 1
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Voldemort has a plan.
A circle of Death Eaters gathered in the Forbidden Forest waiting for their master. He was ten minutes late and everyone was getting quite upset, with the exception of Peter Pettigrew. He was singing along to the newest Britney Spears tune on his headset whilst bobbing his head.
"Knock it off Peter!" shouted Snape.
Peter, who couldn't hear Snape's request, continued bobbing his head to the music.
Snape lifted one of Peter's earphones and said very audibly,"How many times do I have to tell you? Electronic devises don't work on Hogwarts' grounds."
The music abruptly stopped playing along with Peter's head-bobbing.
Meanwhile, something very Dark and disturbing was moving towards them in the shadows. The figure loomed with an ominouseness(like my word?) that only Richard Simmons is capable of. It loomed towards the gathered group, silently and stealthily, preparing to pounce when...
"GEE WIZ, Look everybody!" said a rosey-cheeked Lucius. "Voldemort's here!"
Snape grabbed Peter's walkman and clomped Lucius over the head with it. A red mark appeared on Lucius' face where he had been assaulted and he rubbed at the soreness that was forming, unaware of the damage it had caused to his flawless epidermis.
"You ruined it!!" said Voldemort menacingly. "How many times do I have to tell you that when I'm looming ominously in the shadows not to blurt out,'There's Voldemort!'? I'm in my sneaky mode and would prefer to give you all a bit of a fright if you don't mind. Let's try again, shall we?"
Voldemort stomped back into the Forbidden Forest and hid conspicuously behind a very small pine tree.
The Death Eaters' gazes followed the Dark Lord to his less than worthy hiding spot.
"Well, go on!" Voldemort yelled. "Start talking like you were a minute ago. Pretend you haven't seen me."
"This is futile," Snape muttered under his breath.
The Death Eaters turned away and awkwardly engaged themselves in conversation once more while Voldemort crept slowly and ominously behind them. Peter pulled out his new issue of Teen Beat and began to drool of the half-naked photographs of Britney Spears. He found a poster of Christina Aguilera and, thoroughly disgusted, ripped it out and stomped it into the ground.
"Britney's so much better than you," he yelled at the crumpled heap on the ground. "You're nothing but a filthy hooch, strutting around in those trashy outfits, IN PUBLIC! Britney would NEVER!"
"Oh, get off it Peter," yelled Voldemort from behind the tree. "Britney is dirty enough to play lesbian for a little publicity. What do you think of that?"
"Well, Christina did it, too!"
"Yeah, but no one noticed!"
"Would you quit?" yelled Snape. "I thought you were supposed to be sneaking up on us."
"Well, give me time! I'm not Speedy Bloody Gonzalas!"
Lucius, then became very interested in the crushed piece of paper that lay on the ground.
"How come I don't have those?" he muttered to himself while fondling his chest.
Meanwhile, Voldemort inched his way closer. Giggles emitted from a shrub nearby the assembled group and The Dark Lord prepared himself for the Simba-like pounce that would result in fear and intimidation. He readied himself, but as he was doing so his bald head peeked out from behind the shrub and Lucius looked up from the curious piece of paper he was holding in his hand.
"Look! Voldemort's come back, everyone!" Lucius exclaimed.
"You imbecile!" bellowed Snape as he clomped Lucius over the head with Peter's headset once more.
Another red mark, darker than the first one appeared on the other pale cheek and he immediately whipped out his handy-dandy-trusty portable mirror.
"ACK!" Lucius emitted an unnatural sound that could only be compared to a nuclear explosion. That is, a nuclear explosion that sounds a lot like 'ACK!'.
"Voldemort! Severus hit me on the head...twice! And now I have a mark! I was supposed to model for Neutrogena on Monday!" whinned Lucius as he tugged at the Dark Lord's robes.
"Silence!" yelled the Dark Lord, Lucius cringed. " How many times do I have to tell you? Don't call me Voldemort. I want my boys to love me and be greatly intimidated, not fear me. Call me Daddy.
"Now Lucius, tell Daddy where it hurts," Voldemort continued in as soothing a tone as he could muster. "We'll have you modelling for Neutrogena in no time!"
Lucius' cheeks turned even rosier around the bruises.
"Why did you call us here?" Snape said lazily clearly wanting to get off the subject of Lucius' double life.
"Impatient, are we?" said the Dark Lord. Snape nodded. Voldemort let out a long sigh. "Because I have a plan to get us the BESTEST hideout ever." beamed Voldemort.
"Oh Lord. We're not going back to that convent, are we? Those uniforms take all of the volume out of my hair and those tights really bind in the crotch..." said Snape with a painful look on his face.
"Nuns aren't supposed to wear tights," said Voldemort slowly.
"Anyway," said Snape quickly trying to cover his tracks,"What was this plan you were talking about?"
Voldemort mused some more over the mental image Snape had created for him, then began,"I have a plan to get us the BESTEST hideout ever! Dumbledore will never suspect us..." He then continued to laugh in his most evil laugh for anywhere from three to fifty minutes until Snape finally interupted him.
"Well, where is it?"
"Under Hagrid's cabin," said Voldemort simply. "All we have to do is dig a great big hole under Hagrid's cabin, Dumbledore will never susp-"
"Are you mad?" Snape bellowed. "Granted, Hagrid's not the most clever person on the Hogwarts grounds, but I'd think he'd hear fifteen some odd Death Eaters hacking away under his house."
There was a dramatic pause in which all of the Death Eaters looked uncertainly around at one another. Lucius was still fondling his breats.
"Well, I think it's a great idea," said Lucius in his most flattering voice. "Just because you can never be as evil as Voldemort..." he trailed off at the look on Voldemorts face. He had just called him Voldemort. Lucius backed away cautiously and made himself invisible behind Peter. Well, almost invisible, his white-blond hair was poking curiously out from behind Peter's head making quick jerking motions. Frightened sobs were audible.
There was another dramatic pause. Then Peter said," Can we have a ping-pong table?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Please read and review. Thanks!