It was a hot and stuffy summer afternoon at the Akatsuki base.
Kisame was in the pool. Itachi was sunbathing.
Zetsu was in search of something to eat.
Konan and Pein were sitting inside hogging the only fan in the hideout (Kakuzu is really cheap).
Kakuzu was sleeping outside of the public library, enjoying the cool air conditioning whenever someone entered or exit ('Good things in life are free!' he had told Hidan earlier).
Hidan was taking his anger at the heat out on the living room couch. Sasori was sitting quietly on a nearby chair watching him, sipping a drink.
Deidara walked in. He wasn't wearing his shirt and had a towel slung over his left shoulder. He had come to get a snack (he had been working on his sculptures). He stopped dead in his tracks.
"W-WHAT THE HELL, UN? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THE COUCH?"
Hidan stopped his rampage and looked at Deidara. "What the hell does it look like I'm doing, Blondie? I'm tearing up the couch with my scythe!" And with that he continued.
Deidara stood there gaping. "B-But why, un?"
"Because," Hidan said between slashes, "IT'S SO FUCKIN HOT OUT! And besides, it gives the couch an 'I had some violent lovers on me' look."
Deidara shook his head, disturbed by Hidan. He turned to Sasori.
"And what are you doing, Sasori no Danna, un?"
Sasori took a sip out of his black M emblazoned can.
"Watching."
He took another sip. This caused Deidara's attention to the can Sasori was holding. His blonde eyebrows were raised.
"What are you drinking, Sasori no Danna?"
Deidara quickly appeared crouched down in front of Sasori's chair, his eyes level with the can. He cocked his head.
"I've never seen you drink this before, un. What is it, un?"
As I said before, the can was black. It had a green M on it.
Sasori let out a sigh, seeing that Deidara wasn't going to move until he told him.
"It's an energy drink. It's called Monster." (A/N Oh yes! Monster!)
Deidara stared at the can for a little more.
"Hey-"
In one quick motion Deidara had swiped the can from Sasori and took a big gulp. His eyes became as huge as saucers. (A/N For those who drink Monster, you know how overwhelming it is when you take a big gulp your first time)
Deidara stared at the can in his hands like it was something from a different planet.
The silence made Hidan look up from his rage.
Deidara's hands started shaking.
"Th-This is soooooooo good, un!"
He raised the can to his mouth and finished off the rest of the can. His whole body started shaking and he got a crazy look in his eyes. He grabbed Sasori by the collar.
"MORE, UN! I NEED MORE!!"
"Y-you, uh, drank my last can."
"LIES! LIES, UN!" He threw Sasori to the floor.
Deidara ran all the way up to Sasori's room. Hidan and Sasori could loud clunks and thuds and lots of things breaking. It sort of sounded like a blender. In a minute Deidara ran back down stairs. He had pieces of broken glass in his hair.
"IT'S NOT THERE, UN!"
"No, duh. That's what I just said."
Deidara frowned and turned on Hidan.
"Shit."
Hidan tried to run, but Deidara grabbed his cloak from behind. He had an evil look in his eye.
"Where. Can. I. Buy. Monster, un?"
"Eh, the gas station?"
Deidara dropped Hidan and clapped his hands. "Yay, un!" He ran out of the room, supposedly to the gas station 10 miles away.
"Damn, that is one hyped-up Blondie."
Sasori just grumbled. He was upset that his Monster had been taken away from him.
--
At the gas station:
Deidara's nose was pressed up against the display glass.
"So. Many. Choices, un."
He drooled on the glass.
"I'll take ten of each!"
The lady at the counter looked at him like he was insane, but rung up his purchases.
Deidara pulled out Kakuzu's credit card. That cheapskate is loaded, un! Well, this is what he gets for leaving his wallet in the kitchen, un. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Deidara gathered all of the Monsters in his arms and ran all the way back to the Akatsuki base.
'Hahaha...HAHAHAHAHA! MONSTER, UN!"
He ran straight up to his room. He tried all of them. When he got to the purple one, he immediately spit it out.
"This SUCKS, UN! Oh well, I'll just fill Kisame's bath with this later."
Deidara threw the half empty can at his wall. And this is what he did with every other can after he finished it.
Two hours later Sasori came up to check on him (Pein had told him too). When he kicked open Deidara's door he saw him lying in bed cradling an empty can of Monster Assault. Deidara let out a big burp. The smell of Monster drifted to Sasori's nose. Sasori tried to walk over to Deidara to wake him up, but stepped on a Purple Monster can. Sasori wrinkled his nose in disgust. Cans littered the entire floor.
The sound made Deidara jolt out of bed.
"DON'T TOUCH MY PRECIOUS MONSTER, UN!"
Sasori made a WTF? face that is best described as O.o
"Okay, then. I'll be leaving now."
Sasori slowly backed out of the room, smiling at the snarling Deidara. As soon as he stepped out of the room he slammed the door and ran.
--
A swirling black-and-white portal appeared in front of the front door of Akatsuki. A sixteen year-old boy with bright orange hair fell out of it, face down.
Itachi, coming in from the pool, looked down at the sudden appearance.
The boy jumped up and turned to where the portal was and shook his fist. "DAMN RAT! DAMN PORTAL!"
Itachi, who was only an inch behind him, whispered in his ear.
"And who the hell are you?
"
"AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The boy jumped a mile high (not literally, but close) and landed on the roof.
"DAMN EMO! YOU SCARED ME, DAMNIT!"
"This is private property." There was death in Itachi's voice.
The boy jumped down from the roof. "Eh, no need to do anything rash. I heard there was Monster here."
Itachi raised an eyebrow. "In the house, up the stairs, on the left."
The boy's face lit up and he jumped on the roof again. Itachi watched him as he crashed through the ceiling into Deidara's room.
--
"GIVE ME THE DAMN MONSTER!"
Deidara was startled, but quickly gathered all of his full Monster cans.
"NEVER, UN!"
"THEN I'LL BE FORCED TO- Wait, what did you say?"
"I said NEVER, UN!"
He stared at Deidara blankly. "Un?"
Deidara narrowed his eyes. "Yes, un. That's what I said, un."
The boy burst out laughing.
"What's all the noise? I am trying to watch Fruits Basket!"
"Suki-chaaaaaaaaaaan! This strange boy is laughing at me!"
Suki stared from Deidara, to the boy, to Deidara, and then to the boy, who was still laughing.
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!" Suki came up behind the boy and hugged him. Hard.
He turned into a cat. This just made Suki hug even harder.
"Ohmigosh! It's KYO!"
"Gack!"
"What are you doing here, Kyo?"
"Monster!"
"Oh, you want Monster, Kyo?" The cat/boy was too busy being strangled to say yes. Suki turned to Deidara. She had an evil look in her eye.
"Give Kyo some Monster, Deidara."
He stuck up his nose and turned around to face the wall. "No, un."
"Deidara… give Kyo some Monster now! Or else…"
The or else freaked Deidara out, but he wasn't about to swallow his pride.
"Fine then," he grumbled, "Look around for a full can."
"Yay!" In her happiness Suki dropped Kyo.
"YEOW! Damn girl!"
Suki ignored him and went digging through the cans.
"Eeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww! There are bugs in here!"
Sure enough, there were cockroaches crawling over all of the empty cans. Suki wrinkled her nose in disgust.
"Gross."
She continued digging through the cans, but a little more carefully.
Suki let out a happy squeal. "I FOUND A MONSTER ASSAULT! AND IT'S FULL!"
"WHAT THE FUCK, UN?!"
Deidara wasn't disturbed by Suki finding a full can in the mountains of empty cans stacked against his wall, but rather Kyo who was standing behind her. He was a boy again, but was completely naked.
Suki let out another squeal and turned around.
"Here you go, Kyo-kun!"
Kyo grabbed (violently) the can from Suki's hand.
"Damn. What does a guy have to do to get a Monster?"
A/N: This is a complete crack fic. But I would like to thank green see-through ghosts for giving me the idea. Hehehe. And I just started reading Fruits Basket, so I couldn't help but add Kyo. And I guess I could write another chapter, but it depends if you want it. And if you really want to know who Suki is (Which I doubt that you do) then check out my other story; Akatsuki fangirl. Plz review!