A/N: Hello everyone! I've been kinda wanting to write this story for a while but I haven't found the time to do it until now. I don't know if I did Qrow's voice right, but I hope it's alright. It's a little silly and a little smutty but I hope y'all like it.

Disclaimer: I do not own RWBY, which is made by Rooster Teeth.

Qrow Branwen watched as Yang took the controller from her younger sister. As much as Taiyang's girls had improved over the years, they still were no match for the champ. Truth be told, however, Qrow was starting to get a little rusty.

There was no way he'd lose, even if Ruby's sister was much better than her at Mortal Combat.

"So," said Ruby, "weren't you going to tell us about one of your previous missions?"

"Oh yeah, right!" Qrow was still a bit hung over from the bottles of vodka he had earlier today. The sheer incompetence of the competitors and the lack of action in the fights themselves made them practically mandatory.

While the man had a number of stories he could tell his little huntresses, one in particular stood out in his mind.

"Alright, I've got a good one for you! So about seven years ago, I was working over in the swamps to the west of Mistral, where I came upon this small village…."

Qrow Branwen continued to describe his adventure to his two young nieces, flourishing some of the little bits and details to get a good laugh out of them. It was good to be able to spend time with them after being absent for so long.

But they could never know the true story of what had transpired on that fateful day…

Qrow Branwen saw the distant flicker of a lantern hanging off the side of a log-cabin inn. There were a few houses further along the path, but the esteemed hunter couldn't say whether or not people actually lived here.

I suppose I could use a break.

At any rate, Qrow was a bit tired from fighting Grimm all day, so a good night's rest couldn't hurt. Maybe he could coddle in with some of the local ladies for the night as well.

Not to mention, he was hungry as balls.

Let's just hope this place isn't like the Taco place from last Tuesday.

Qrow gradually approached the inn, keeping an eye for any Grimm, or anyone for that matter. The whole village was practically a ghost town, even though there seemed to be enough company for a local inn. There was also a dank, rotten stench lingering in the air, though Qrow couldn't say what it was.

This place smells like an old cemetery.

Then again, the whole swamplands smelled like that. Maybe he'd just have to get used to it.

The hunter looked up at the sign just past the hanging light. "The Poison Apple," Qrow read aloud. That name should have been a red flag, but Qrow didn't have many options. The next village was at least twelve miles away, and the Grimm were likely to become restless at night.

Guess this place is better than nothing.

Qrow ascended the wooden steps winding up to the front entrance, which creaked as he walked up them. After wiping his fancy dress shoes on the welcome mat, the hunter leaned in and shoved open the heavy double doors.

"Well, what do we have here?"

Despite its rustic appearance, the inn looked quite comfy by modern standards. The whole floor was covered in a fine red carpet without a single stain on it. It wasn't the high class shit they use for all the movie actors, but it had a certain shabbiness that reminded him of home.

The right side of the lobby opened up into a sizable bar area, where many of the local villagers, along with a few passing hunters and huntresses, were carousing. Even though Qrow wasn't the depressive alcoholic he had become in more recent times, he didn't mind a couple of drinks every so often. A few trophies of deer, bear, and Ursa hung on the walls to give the place an authentic hunting lodge appearance. There was also a number of TV screens set up around the bar, showing all the latest sports events. An old juke box had been set up in the back corner of the room, playing one of those songs from those old Westerns. Hell, the place even had working lights and air conditioning, which helped to filter out the awful stench from outside.

And just a few feet in front of him was the innkeeper's desk.

The master hunter let out a long whistle as he swaggered his way over to the innkeeper, who was quite easy on the eyes.

"Hello there, Miss, are there any rooms available for the night?" Qrow gave the fine lady a wink, while taking a good look at her dangerously short skirt length.

"Ah yes, you must be Qrow Branwen. I've heard quite a bit about your most recent escapades."

"So you know who I am?" Looks like this place isn't so bad after all. "Now what might your name be?" The black-haired lady didn't seem to have anything resembling a business card, name tag, or nameplate, even though Qrow had seen them at almost every other joint.

"It's Cinder."

A fine name for a fine lady such as yourself.

"A pleasure to meet you." Qrow's head briefly turned towards TV screens as some sportscaster started going on about some heavyweight from Atlas by the name of Jon Seanna. Or was it Jaune? Qrow couldn't really tell the difference anyway.

Qrow's stomach began to grumble. Damn, I need to eat.

"So, how much is it for a night's stay?"

Cinder's fingers began shuffling through a drawer filled with keys. "Four-fifty lien for a night's stay."

The black-haired lady held the key out in front of the master hunter as he fumbled through his pockets.

"Here you go," Qrow said as he placed the necessary amount on the counter.

Ruby's uncle couldn't help but watch as the lady leaned forward slightly while gathering up everything. "By the way, Mr. Branwen, if you're interesting in one of our special options, you might want to stop by Room 7 at around 9:30."

Qrow watched as Cinder stepped out of her little booth and ascended up the stairs to the left. She briefly turned back to face him, holding herself on the gold-painted rail, and winked back, letting out a slight chuckle.

"It's a pleasure doing business with you, Miss Cinder."

Qrow began heading over to the bar as he pocketed the key to his room.

Hot damn, those are the finest damn legs I've seen in years. This is going to be one helluva night.

Qrow Branwen knocked on the door three times before Cinder finally answered it. He was still sober, but only because the local ale tasted worse than piss mixed with drain cleaner. He didn't want to bother the innkeeper about it though, not when it might compromise his chances of looking up her miniskirt.

"I'm glad you could make it Mr. Branwen. Come in."

Cinder gradually opened the door to her personal room. She was wearing a tight, black leather getup that only a professional dominatrix would ever bother to wear. The outfit in particular covered most of her arms and upper body, but left just enough breathing space for Qrow to get a good look at her cleavage. Not to mention, the suit left her legs exposed to the open air and left her more sensitive parts just a flick of the finger away.

The master hunter wasn't entirely sure whether coming here was the best idea, but after seeing how persuasive the lady manager could be, there was little doubt left in his mind.

Qrow heard Cinder close the door behind him and chain the door as he walked toward the main bed.

After a few seconds, the gruff man felt Cinder tug at his transformable scythe. "I can't have you using that in here. It might ruin the experience."

"Alright, I suppose I can do without it." Qrow let the woman remove his weapon and place it on a nearby table. It would probably be safer if he held onto it, but he couldn't let his scythe get in the way of having a fun time.

Qrow leaped onto the red-covered bed and began unbuttoning his shirt.

Cinder interrupted him, "No, no, no! Allow me!"

After kicking off her shoes, Qrow's seductress crawled on top of him and then ripped the shirt straight off his chest. Had it not been for his own aura, the shirt's removal would have caused some severe rug burns.

"So, do you have something in mind for me?" asked the scythe master, eyeing the riding crop strapped to Cinder's side, which looked very much like the one Glynda often used.

"I know everything about you, Qrow, and I know you've been a very, very, very bad man. It is only fitting that you are punished for your wickedness."

With every word that Cinder spoke, Qrow felt himself getting harder and harder.

"For now, you serve only me."

Although Qrow leaned forward so he could attempt to please his master, the black-haired woman strode off the bed and pulled out a pair of handcuffs from one of the nearby drawers.

Kinky. I like this woman.

Cinder gently cuffed his right hand over to a lamp jutting out of the wall. She could probably chain his other hand to the lamp on the opposite side as well, but Qrow didn't want to be too uncomfortable.

Ruby's uncle watched as Cinder's gloved hands undid his belt and fly, allowing nature to take its course. She then pulled off Qrow's black pants and undergarments, tossing them onto the floor.

Cinder's smile was maddening.

"Don't worry, Mr. Branwen, I'm just going to fetch some of my personal tools."

Qrow could do nothing but watch as the woman made her way over to the closet on right side of the room while his manhood begged for some affection. With a hard click, the doors began to open, but what Qrow saw inside would haunt him for the rest of his life.

"Oh no… Oh fucking hell no..."

It was Shrek.

And he was very happy to see him.

Ruby's uncle gaped on in horror as the massive green ogre lumbered his way toward the bed. Qrow could admit that Shrek was a fairly handsome ogre, but he could not stand the pungent stench of onions radiating out from him, nor could he stand the fact that the ogre's fully eshrekt cock was at least eight inches longer than his own, and at least two inches greater in diameter.

The scythe-master desperately tugged on his bonds, but neither the chain nor the pole held onto would budge. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Cinder wrapped her arms around the ogre's fat, exposed belly. "What's the matter, Qrow? I just thought I'd bring along a friend to spice up the evening."

As she stroked Shrek's buttcheeks with her left hand, Cinder Fall let out a sinister chuckle. She then let go of the ogre, and began to reach down so she could pleasure herself while watching Ruby's uncle get Shreked.

Qrow shook harder on his bonds as the Ogrelord towered before him. "Yer in my swamp now, buddy-boy. Now why don't ya bend ogre an spread out ye bum fer me, will ya laddie?"

"Just and make me!"

With a sudden surge of strength, Qrow burst through his bonds and then ran for his weapon before Shrek could grab him with his powerful ogre arms. As he made his way for the doorway, Qrow briefly turned around, shifted his weapon into gun form, and shot Shrek twice in the chest. However, his bullets bounced off of the ogre's hard nipples, as opposed to simply being absorbed by Shrek's aura.

"Dammit!"

The master hunter swiftly undid the chain lock and then barreled out into the main hallway before making a sharp turn right.

"Where do ya think yer goin' laddie?" called out the Ogrelord from behind him. "Come back here so I can smack ya in yer arse some more!"

Several people began to file out into the hall as Qrow tried outrunning the giant green ogre. People would probably remember him in later years as the guy who streaked through the hotel while being chased by a naked Shrek, but right now, he just needed to get out of this place.

Even as he made his way for the inn's entrance, he could still picture that damnable smirk Cinder made when she had unveiled the great Ogrelord.

One day, Cinder, I am going to make you pay for all this. Just one day…

Qrow bolted out of The Poison Apple and made a hard sprint down the road. The foul, onion-tainted air made him choke as it entered his lungs. He didn't know how much strength he had left in him, but he could do nothing but go on and run.

In spite of his own exhaustion, Qrow had managed to outpace the giant ogre, and with every few minutes that passed, Shrek grew further and further away from him until Qrow could see him no more.

When the master hunter was sure the Ogrelord had given up his chase, and when the foul stench of onions no longer hung in the air, Qrow had finally stopped.

He collapsed onto his knees, and finally breathed a sigh of relief.

I made it.

He was cold, that was true, but he was finally out of those god-forsaken swamplands. And he was finally free from the grasp of Cinder and her green ogre.

Qrow looked up to the shattered moon above, trying to cleanse his mind from the events that had just transpired.

Although he was finally safe from the ogre-sized menace, the damage had already been done. He would never forget the torrid stench of onions that radiated from Shrek's sweaty body. For the rest of his life, he would forever have to live with the fact that Shrek's ogre-sized cock was bigger than his own. Seeing the ogre's wide girth had shown him that his own penis was two sizes too small. With that forbidden knowledge, how could he continue to be a lady's man without feeling ashamed of just how small he was compared to Shrek.

And then there was Cinder. Somewhere deep in that shit-laden swamp, Cinder was laughing over his own ineptitude as a man. She was a fine, sexy lady, that was true, but now Qrow understood just how twisted and evil she was.

"Shrek? Heh… Shrek is dreck…"

The cold, exhausted hunter stood back up, looked at the stars once more and then began his long journey back to Vale. For the rest of his life, Qrow would feel nothing but undying hatred towards the great green ogre.

A/N: Okay, I kinda had this idea after watching the "Lessons Learned" episode because it was just begging for Shrek jokes. I wasn't sure what the prices for things in Remnant would be in terms of Lien, so I kinda just chose an arbitrary number for that. I probably could have expanded some parts a bit. Anyway, I hope y'all liked this story. Be sure to like and/or leave comments and stuff.

Also, I don't own Shrek, which was made by Dreamworks.

Oh, and have a stinger/omake thingy!

"You think she's scared of your little ships? I've been out there and I've seen the things she's made. And let me tell you, they are fear."

Qrow released his arms as the three others in the room continued on with their conversation. They have no idea what they're up against.

He had tried elaborating on the nature of Cinder's threat, but Glynda and Ironwood simply dismissed his explanation as another one of his drunken ramblings. Only Professor Ozpin seemed to grasp the true danger Cinder's faction posed, but it was unlikely that his so-called "Guardian" plan would ever work.

Qrow's mind was still hazy from having drunken three bottles of vodka earlier in the day. Whatever discussion had occurred among the others had already seemed to pass, as Ironwood and Glynda were now exiting the headmaster's office.

Everything is all going to go to hell. All because we can't do shit.

Qrow suddenly felt the soft, gentle touch of Ozpin's hand on his shoulder.

"Qrow, there's no need to worry about anything anymore.

"It's all going to be ogre very soon…"

Ruby's uncle suddenly turned around in horror as he heard the words come out of his comrade's mouth.

Oh fucking hell no...

"All your little troubles will be ogre very soon…"