Chapter 1

Song: Fully alive by Flyleaf

Daily routine

Another lonely, wet morning. Another day of life for my million questions. Why? Why do I have to feel something so dark and painful but at the same time so strong and beautiful? Maybe is love or passion, desire for what I really can't get. I wake up and just stare at the plain roof of my bedroom. I think about my day that will be nothing exciting. My path is easy. Go down stairs, eat, say hello to Lou and give her food, go to my car and pick up Mattie.

"Kim, do it. Wake up." I tell myself I think just to check if I still alive and the pain that run through my veins is real and to be able to think that I still have hope. I stand up and go to my mirror. I am standing in front of my too skinny thin almost naked body. Since I reached puberty, I sleep half naked just to feel the touch of the covers on my arms and my long legs just to dream that one day those covers would be his big, masculine hands. I sit down in front of it and I just stare watching what I am. I realize I still have rest of eyeliner. The mascara and a horrible addicted smell of the thousand cigarettes that I smoked yesterday. I check my cheeks so prominent under the olive color of my (thanks God) healthy skin. I have a small pair of eyes with a dark brown mud color.

"Kim, come on. Wake up. I have to go to work. Take care and save some food for me."

That is my dad. He and my mom work every day of the single year. They just don't stop. I envy them because they are too busy to think about a stupid high school crush or even their 17 year old weird daughter.

What would be doing Jared at this time? That's my question. He should be getting ready for school, looking for the perfect shirt that has the gift to be on his extraordinary body.

While I take a shower and let the hot water take all my dreams away I remember how all this insane love started. It was in middle I was 11 and I just saw him. He had the most amazing smile. He looked gorgeous almost too cute to be a human being. He had short, black hair and his hypnotic dark almost dark as the night eyes. First I just had the desire to be near him. To be able to witness something so beautiful and abnormal, but the puberty played an unfair game with me. That desire of friendship and evidence of goodness became an obsession, passion, love. I don't remember a single day of my adolescence without waking up and thinking about him or closing my eyes and imagining his face.

I go to my closet that is in my bathroom. That is one of the advantages of living alone in the first floor of your house and being an only child. I put on my baggy almost too huge gray jeans, my Pink Floyd old shirt and my jet black raincoat. All this with my normal ponytail my ocean of black eyeliner and my sea of mascara, every time that I finish this daily ritual I realize that I do this just to get attention. And trust me I get but not from the person, the young man that I want.

"Lou time for breakfast, come on you silly teddy bear" Lou is my partner in everything, she is just the canine version of myself, she had been through a lot this past years and because her sharp, green eyes I always try to look happy in front of her.

I give Lou her plate of Alpo, take my two bibles (iPod and guitar) and go outside to my car, my temple and the scenario of the countless dramas and panic attacks that I have had. It sounds selfish but it seems that everything around me had been witness of my painful unknown love to Jared.

"What's up dude? What are our plans for this not sunny day?" Matthias, my best friend since only God knows when. He is just like me suffering for a kind of pain, I think or maybe he is just going through high school and I am so melodramatic that I think that every one has a kind of pain.

"What do you prefer? Going to stare at the corpses that we have as teachers, or watch the too foggy fog?"

"You are in your days right? God I am starting to hate this, you are always sad because the stupid Jared jerk or you are angry because you wake up and realize how stupid you are for being so obsess with the stupid Jared jerk!"

"Crap just shut up! Why don't you do the best damn thing that you know how to do and turn on the music?"

Every day is like this morning. I go out of my house thinking about Jared. I pick up Mattie thinking about Jared. I listen to my morning playlist (muse, linkin park, the who, oasis and keane) thinking that every single word of the lyrics of their songs is about my dreamed relationship with him. I drink my supersized cup of coffee and smoke my cigarette before eating the millions of tic-tacs for the breath thinking about him.

First period, algebra 2 honors! (Yeah, yeah, I am a nerd). Third period music which means that I have to carry my guitar around the entire school, the good thing about the guitar is the freedom that she is able to give you. Some people go to drugs, others to booze, I go high with music. Every time I touch one chord is like touching heaven and that heaven is the image of Jared. After my race to get to the cafeteria in time to meet with Mathias and the others part of our little cult (nerds that love rock and what the hell decided to make a band). We go to my car that is like a soccer mom's van and take a quickie ( play the guitar) dedicating every note to him.

"Kim, are you thinking about the jerk?" the best and the worst thing about Mathias is that he knows every inch of my mind. He knows all my secrets, honestly the only two that I have, my addiction to cigarettes and my obsession with Jared.

"If you know the answer, why the hell you ask?"

"Sorry, some one didn't wake up very polite."

"What? Have you been offended with my lack of education?" I asked putting the most naughty, sexy look that I have. With the only person that I have been able to make fun of my sensual side is with the geeky guy, eating gummy bears next to me.

"Ja Ja, that is funny. I don't know why you don't try to be more like that in front of Jared jerk."

"This part of me is only for you. And I won't change the way I am just because I like a boy." I am so a bad liar and Mathias knows it. He stares at me with his shrink look and start whispering in my ear.

"For my bad luck, you changed for that guy a long time ago. You think that this is you? This person in front of me is just the shell. Kim is more wonderful, beautiful and outgoing that this little costume. Maybe you aren't all shell, because sometimes you let go like when we are alone. But you have to understand that because of that jerk you try to hide."

I looked at him with a hate gaze, knowing that he is right. I have been trying to hide myself to people just because I think that I am not good enough for him. And I am not, he is a bad boy, he is a jock, he has that kind of look that reveals that you can't trust him. He is 17 like me and he has been with almost the entire population of hot girls in La Push high school. When we were freshmen he dated a senior. And like me every girl in the school melt when he decide to show that big smile. He is tall, long black hair, cocky smile, and street smart (he is too lazy for school work). He has the perfect shade of olive skin and an incredible slim, athletic body. For my luck I have him every day in my fifth hour. English, the only class that satisfy my desire just because I spend 50 minutes sitting next to his breathtaking figure.

The bell rings and I run to go to class. I hear Mattie whispering to himself how pathetic I am. I should go and hit him but that can wait until the end of school. I have the necessity to see him. I enter to class; sit in my seat in the last line in front of the teacher's desk in the third row. Everybody go into the classroom except for my dreamed Adonis. The bell rings again and I see his best friend Paul running to don't get send to the tardy room but not sight of Jared. Where is he? Why am I hyperventilating because he is not here next to me? In that moment I started to feel incomplete for the first time in my life.