Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. If I did, do you honestly think Siri would be gone? ;

And to all those Remus/Tonks haters… forgive me! ; The idea wouldn't leave. Plus, it's… kind of only one sided. It's all very twisted. XD

Toujours Pur

By Kelsey Avril

Through Sirius' passion, you loved Remus before you even really understood what love was.

In the sticky heat of summer, you listened too many near fantastical tales of the wonders of Remus "Moony" John Lupin. His endearing dry humour, his passion for learning, his seemingly boundless kindness that, as Sirius said, and you realize now, he never really notices. Even the small things, like how he nibbles his quill all the time, despite if it was a sugar quill or not. Even just the way his extraordinary amber eyes seemed to glow like twin embers when he laughed.

Later, when you were much older, and Sirius much more world weary, long hours to lounge talking away about little things could not be spared. For you, at least… you have your job as an Auror as well as you fair share of Order work. You were glad that Remus' work didn't take up too much of his time, however. Sirius needed him. They needed each other.

At times when you did have some spare moments, Sirius and you would talk. You would both laugh like in the old days, but it wasn't real. Too much had changed to be the same as before. But if you both just told yourself enough that nothing was different, you could partially believe it, even for just a few moments.

"Moony and I… we can't pretend like this." Sirius told you once, smiling in bittersweet irony, "We can't. There are so many things we didn't say before, that we should've. We just didn't talk about it… too much paranoia, with the spy and all…" He had glared darkly at the table, "So we can't take the chance that we'll miss anything. We've got to say everything unless time runs out. I love him too much to let him forget it once I'm gone, whenever that'll be."

Well, Sirius is gone now. Somehow you just know they didn't say everything. There's something in Remus' eyes, in his voice, in his being. And you know he still needs Sirius.

Sirius wanted Remus to be happy. He wanted for his lycanthrope lover to never have to be alone again.

You wanted that for him, too. You still do.

You wanted Sirius to have at least one of his final wishes granted. You still want that, too.

No one in the Order knows, and neither of you want them too. It's sick. It's wrong. It's… the only thing keeping Remus from going over the edge.

The first time it happened, Remus had bolted up to the safety of his room for the night. If you can call the emotional pain of sleeping in a large bed where there is supposed to be a warm, loving presence beside you safe. That day had been particularly trying, because he'd been stuck shut up in the house, with no assignments to distract him… The Portrait of your dear Aunt had gone off on, as he told you later, her second rant about her blood traitor son of the day. Remus exploded.

In a hurricane of furious, uncontrolled Wild Magick, the portrait was ripped from the wall and swallowed by spontaneous flames, Auntie screaming like a banshee to the very end. Remus matched her in volume (which was no small feat), but there was not even an attempt to form coherent words. It was just one long, agonized, furious howl.

Afterwards, everyone stared, completely flabbergasted. Remus brushed ash from his robes with trembling hands, "Excuse me." He spoke, voice deceptively calm.

Some hours later, you peaked into his room to see him curled up, sleeping fitfully in the oversized looking bed. He'd never looked so vulnerable to you before. 'He needs Sirius. Everyone's worried about Harry,' you included, 'but they forgot about Remus…'

"It's really easy to let Moony slip your mind," Sirius had confessed one summer, guiltily, "I think… he's just so used to relying on himself, that when something you do or just something in general hurts him… It's like he logs it away to take care of himself, later. Then he's so busy trying to convince everyone that he's fine that he forgets to get back to it. He needs people; he needs us, though he'll never ask for our help. I wish he would just tell me sometimes… he's so quiet as it is…" Yes… Remus did need him.

The idea struck you like a lightning bolt, the affects swift, shocking, and lingering long after the thought itself had past on through. You couldn't… it was weird… it was mad…

Maybe just this one time. He could think it was a dream.

Quickly, you shifted, making sure to include every detail you remembered about Sirius – he was your cousin, you lived in the same house plenty of times, you knew enough.

Grabbing hold of the mattress to stop your fall (only you could manage to trip over air), you amazingly managed to crawl onto the bed with some semblance of grace. Hopefully it was manly grace, "Remus…" You whispered, then cleared your throat, frowning. You'd forgotten to change your voice.

"Remus… Moony…!" You tried again, now with a much deeper tone, like your cousin's. Slowly, he woke up, grumbling. His eyes widened. Merlin, but he had gorgeous eyes.

"…Sirius…?" The lycanthrope croaked voice choked with emotion. You were glad to see him show real emotion for the first time in months. You remind yourself constantly that this emotion is not for you. Not really. You smile sadly.

"Yeah… it's me… Did you miss me?" You joked, in his voice. A sob escaped Remus' throat as he clung to you for dear life. Before that, though, you saw the recognition in his eyes, the hope that died before it even had time to seed. Damnit, you'd forgotten his sense of smell!

Still, as you gently pushed him against the bed, you didn't explain, and he didn't resist.

During those frantic, surreal nights of passion, he sobs apologies and declarations to you through sweat and tears, and you understand.

"This isn't right. We can't do this. I can't do this."

"I know."

"God, I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…"

"Shh… I know… it's okay."

"I love you so much…!"

"And I love you, Remus. I love you, Moony."

You know he loves Sirius and not you. You don't care. You're going to take care of Remus anyways. You're going to say all the things Sirius couldn't. This is Sirius' requiem. This is Remus' last lifeline. And you don't intend to let go.

"It's okay, I know, I love you, I love you, I love you…"

Fin