Runaway Train

Erin

Fuck, this shit is getting old and I don't know why I bother.

I zipped up my jacket and signaled the bartender, Coolie, for an Irish coffee to go. While waiting on the coffee, I texted My Train Wreck. Yeah, that's what you call bad boys whose eyes you fall into, whose dicks you fall on. With these guys, the reliability factor is like an autumn leaf that eddies in a brisk wind. The aesthetic is gratifying, but the longevity mostly non-existent.

Well, anyway. To hell with giving him chances, I told myself. However, if I were being honest, I'd admit that I was using him as much as he was using me.

Coolie capped the coffee and after leaving the payment with tip on the bar, I turned around, and none other than My Partner w/Pleasure was walking up to me. Detective Jay Halstead.

I work closely with him, see his lovely All-American face every day, and I still just want to jump him… sometimes. My God, I'm surrounded by profoundly fantastic and profoundly interesting men. One is a pseudo father whom I also see as being a sexy older guy; then I gag. Don't judge me. The second is a guy I know I could have, I know I could have a great thing with, but I just can't see past the fact that we're both in the same line of work, at the same job. Do I want that? Hell no.

Last but not least is my smoldering man. No, literally. He's a firefighter, so no pun intended. He gets me on all cylinders, but he is exactly what I don't need: a needy bad boy who is tempestuous and all-consuming. My Train Wreck.

"Done for the night?" Halstead asked when he came up close.

"Yeah," I breathed out as I spot his All-American blondie following behind him. "Hi," I added.

"Hello. Erin, isn't it?" It was like a singsong, Erin-isn't-it, through teeth that I swore sparkled.

"Yes. And you're Stacy. Nice seeing you again." I kept a polite tone as I cut my eyes to Halstead and gave him a Whoa, second date!-smirk. He narrowed his eyes a bit and I knew he was about to ask me to join them, but I cut him off with, "Have a good night. I'm out."

I skirted Halstead and his potential little Stepford replica. Then, I made a beeline for the door. Once I was outside, I quickly spotted My Train Wreck coming towards the bar. I moved to head him off.

Spying me, his eyes went curiously blank and he put his I'm-an-Asshole-but-I'm-sexy smile as he explained, "The guys and I were out, and I lost track. I swear Erin, I-"

"Kelly, no," I put up a hand to stop him, also giving him the cue not to come any closer. Jesus, this guy is like a male version of me.

I decided to go gentle because I knew he'd just lost someone close to him, and he'd been in this mode, lately. "Look, I get it okay. You and me? We're the same. And I know you do what you have to, to get over the pain, but Kelly, do me the favor of not making me out to be that girl." He made a motion of protest, and I shook my head and shot off quickly, "The girl that sits alone in a restaurant, waiting for you. I can be your friend, but not here to fix whatever is wrong. Been there, done that, Kelly. And this is not what this is."

Kelly, for the first time, looked at me. Really looked. The kind of looking he did when he respected the person who figured him out. The kind of looking he did when he knew he's bullshit, but weirdly he acts more bull-headed. Like the time when I first met him and he didn't know what to think of a woman detective offering him protective detail, or like the time when, after sex, I asked him not to leave and he looked trapped, but possessive all at the same time. Then he said, "I'm not going anywhere." Yeah, right! See? That's why he's My Train wreck.

"She was…she was my best friend," Kelly mutters this remembrance of a friend whose life was taken too soon with a heartbreaking crack in his voice.

The next moment I was wrapping my arms around him and it all became very familiar. Effortless. Kelly and I started out like this. My offering him comfort while he's going through a crisis. This would be our second or third time. Dangerous. Not to mention part of our routine now involved comfort of another kind, if you know what I mean.

But no. This is not what this is. It simply can't be. Voight, my pseudo father, had already warned Jay away from me for his own good, and then ironically, warned me away from Kelly Severide, for my own good. Voight said Kelly would change me, that he had the power to make me lose focus.

I want to refuse to believe this, but I already see the signs.

"I know you miss her," I softly give him affirmation to his unwanted, silent confession. "I can be here to listen to you. I can be you're friend, Kelly. What I can't do?" I gestured between us, "Is this. I'm sorry. You know where I stand.

"I do, Erin," he nodded. "Can we walk and talk?"

"Yeah."

We started down the street. Not holding hands. It wasn't cute or cozy. That's not us. No, we were two wildcards that loved to play saviors, but we just couldn't recognize when to save ourselves.

We walked for about an hour before going back to our cars and going to our separate apartments. This is not because we didn't want each other. Damn it, we wanted! All over the place. Yet, this was because I had to change the pace of this train before I lost focus.