I don't own anything, not even the title which I have stolen from All-American Rejects. Please listen to that song :D
Believe
The rain was still hammering against the windows, and she still hadn't moved from the side of his bed. It had rained nonstop for four days now, almost as long as she had sat there. That was six days, and he still had shown no sign of improvement. She had barely slept. And every time when she simply couldn't keep her eyes open anymore, she fell into a restless sleep, and even then, when sleeping, she never let go of his hand.
It was seven days earlier when the Order had been informed that Voldemort had planned an attack on the minister. The next day it happened. Most of the Order had come, and Lily had fought right beside James' side when he was hit with the curse. She had forgotten about everything else then. She had thought he was dead at first, but when she got him to St. Mungo's she had been told he had been lucky. It was dark magic, no doubt about that, but he wasn't dead. From then on she hadn't left his side.
In the beginning she had been talking to him the whole time. She had told him everything that had happened. How Martin Lessard had been killed, and how Sirius arm nearly had been cut off, but nothing had made James even bat an eyelid. She had moved on to other stuff, retelling some of their times at Hogwarts, how happy she was, now that they had been friends for so long, the way his friends looked when they visited and saw he was still asleep, and everything else she could come up with. But after four days there wasn't much to tell him anymore, and she had gone into a silent stage where she just kept her eyes on him, maybe once in a while brushing his cheeks softly with her fingers, or running them through his hair.
She wondered if he knew she was there, and if he even could hear what she told him, but she truly hoped. At some level, he had to know that she wouldn't leave his side, not ever. She smiled sadly, letting her fingers trail the back of his hand so very softly.
"Lily?"
She didn't have to turn to know who was in the door. "Yes?" she whispered.
Sirius slowly closed the door after him and walked to her side. "Lily, you need to get out of here."
"No," she said firmly. "I'm not leaving him."
He sat down on the other chair, putting a hand on her shoulder. "You can't stay here forever."
"I'm not," she said. "I'm leaving when James is."
"Lily, what if he's not g-"
"Don't say it!" she hissed, tears shooting up in her eyes. "Please, don't say it." A tear rolled down her cheek. She leaned forward, pressing her lips towards James' hand. "Please," she whispered, not moving away again. Her body shook with her silent sobs. The tears rolled down her nose and stained the white sheet.
The sleeplessness and pressure was too much for her. She couldn't handle it.
She felt a hand on her back, but ignored it. "I'm going to get you something for you to eat," he said softly.
"I'm not hungry."
"No, but you need to eat something." He got up and left.
She waited a few seconds before she dried her eyes as well as she could and slowly straightened up again. The tears didn't stop rolling down her cheeks though. She touched his cheek softly with two fingers, wishing so much he'd just wake up. But he didn't. Like this she sat until Sirius returned.
"Here." He handed her a soft roll. She put it on the table. "Lily, eat it," he commanded.
"I don't feel like eating."
"You're going to end up killing yourself over this, Lily. There's nothing more you can do."
Which was true. The six days had slowly gotten to Lily. She looked like a wreck, and she felt like one too. She denied it though; she felt perfectly fine.
"Yes," she said firmly. "I can stay."
"Well, you can stay and eat at the same time." He looked at her concerned, but she missed it, seeing she still didn't move her eyes away from James.
"I'm not hungry, I said."
She really didn't want to start an argument. Ever since the battle, she hadn't eaten much, and every day when Sirius got there, he'd start an argument, saying it wasn't helping James if she didn't eat. Might as well stay healthy.
Someone knocked at the door. "May I interrupt?"
Lily looked up as it was a slightly unknown voice in the door. A middle-aged male stepped through the door, a few papers in his hands.
"Come in," Sirius said. "Is there anything new?"
For the first time in days, Lily saw something reminding her of a smile on the face of the Healer which had taken care of James. "In fact there is," he answered. "You see, this unknown substance in Mr Potter's blood, which was caused by the spell, has been increasing the last few days, but after we tried our new medicine on him yesterday, it has gone the other way." He looked at them, a true smile now playing his lips. "I'm positive about this, and I think that can we get it fully out of his system, he might wake up again. But we're working with something never seen here, so there might be yet unknown things we haven't taken care of yet."
"Thank, Merlin," Lily said. For the first time in days she let go of James' hand and buried her face in her hands, her body shaking again. Sirius put an arm around her.
"Thanks," he said to the Healer. "Thank you very much."
There were no more words, but seconds later the door closed and Lily guessed the Healer had left. She looked up again, the hope which slowly had been fading the last few days, suddenly sparkling in her eyes again. She took hold of James' hand again.
"Did you hear?" she whispered. "He thinks you might wake up again. Soon." She placed a quick kiss on his hand. "I know you will."
Sirius slowly leaned back in his chair. "Okay, Lily, now that you feel better, I think you should eat."
"I'm not hungry," she said easily.
"Eat."
"No."
He sighed frustrated. "Lily, I can fully understand that you're in deep sorrow, but it won't help him that you don't eat. You don't see Remus, Peter, and I starving ourselves, do you?"
"Sirius, I'm really not hungry. Honestly. I just..." She looked at James, biting her lower lip. "I just want him to wake up."
"So do I, and I understand how you feel, but-"
"No, you don't!" she snapped, turning to glare at him. "You really don't understand. You see, Sirius..." She looked at James again, a very faint smile decorating her lips. "I love James. I love him so much it hurts to see him like this, and I doubt you can understand that, because you only see him as you friend," She looked at Sirius, "but I've come to see him as more... and I want to tell him that."
He looked at James, smiling. "He would love to hear that. I know he will."
Lily nodded slowly. "I hope so, and when he wakes up, I'll tell him."
"Tell him now." He looked at her in the same second as she looked at him too. "Tell him now. Don't let him wait."
"I don't want to ruin it."
"You're not ruining it. You do believe he can hear you now, right?" She nodded. "Well, then tell him." He suddenly grinned. "I think it's romantic."
She bit her lip for a short second. "Okay," she said, nodding while turning to James. "Okay."
Sirius slowly got up and left the room. Lily licked her lips, took James' hands in both of hers and took a deep breath.
"James," she whispered. "It's Lily... still. Sirius was just here, he misses you. He doesn't say so, but I know he does, he's just better at hiding it." She looked down at their intertwined fingers. "He's also the one making me do this... Um." She struggled with the words a few seconds and then sighed. "Wow. It's really tough. I really didn't think it would be this hard..."
She sighed deeply, studying him a little. She didn't know if she really wanted him to hear this. Wouldn't it be better to say this to a conscious person? One who would respond? She shook her head at herself, how was she stupid.
"What I'm trying to put into words is... Um. I think, err... I don't want you to die. No, of course I don't want that," she said to herself. "But what I'm trying to put into words is really... that, um... I... I kind of love you. No, that sounds insensitive. And it's not 'kind of'... it's love. Simple, simple love. And I know we're really good friends and everything, but it's the other way I love you in. It's the 'Butterflies in the stomach' kind of love. Or the 'Someday I want to have small Potter children with you some day' kind of love." She swallowed. "It's the love that makes me sit here without doing anything else for six days. It's the love in which I know if you never wake up, I'll never leave this hospital either. That kind of love."
She had been looking at his hand the whole time, and when finished she looked at his face again. Peaceful as always. She wondered for a second if he wasn't just smiling a little bit more now than before, but shook her head. It was just because she wanted it to be like that. She wanted so badly that he could hear her. She wanted so badly that he would just wake up.
"So now you know," she muttered, "I love you."
She stroked his hands a few times, feeling a little lighter than before. She leaned forward and laid her head down next to his hand, still holding it. She kissed it again.
*
"Miss Evans?"
She shot up from her sleep, looking disorientated around. It was too light. "Huh?" she mumbled, squinting.
A young Healer stood in the door smiling softly at Lily. "Do you need anything? A cup of coffee? Or hot chocolate?"
Lily shook her head. "Don't bother."
"A pillow or blanket?"
"I'm fine. Um, do you know what time it is?"
She looked at her watch. "Eight PM. I'm getting you a blanket."
Lily would have protested, but the Healer was out the door the next second. She'd turned the lights off again.
She glanced at James quickly, feeling the need to use the toilet. She quickly exited the room and found a toilet down the corridor. Even though she had felt she was quick, a blanket already lay at her chair when she returned.
Smiling a little to herself she sat down. She took hold of James' hand, sighing deeply. She scooted the chair a bit closer and leaned back, closing her eyes.
James would wake up, she was sure. He had to. What would happen to her if he didn't wake up? What would happen to Sirius and Remus and Peter? They were best friends. And James' mother? What would she do without her only son? James had to wake up. He had to...
She jerked awake again, feeling something was off. She noticed her hand which wasn't holding on to James' anymore and quickly took a soft hold of it. She looked at them a few seconds, frowning.
"Lily, are you still here?"
She looked up, slightly startled, seeing Remus in the doorway. She nodded numbly. "Guess."
He frowned. "What's wrong?"
She looked at her hand. She shook her head. "I just... never mind, I just want it too badly."
He slowly moved to her side, sitting down. "Want what?"
"James to wake up. I just woke up with a feeling... well, it was just his hands... I guess my mind's playing tricks on me." She sighed, looking up at him. "So why are you here this late?"
"It's not even nine, and I've just gotten off from a job for the Order. Thought I'd stop by to say hey."
"He'd like that."
Slowly he put an arm around her and dragged her closer. "So you talked to him? Sirius s-"
"Oh, you girls," she mumbled. "You gossip a lot?"
"Did you... you know?"
She nodded. "I did." I smiled faintly. "I want him to wake up."
"Me too."
They sat in silence a few minutes, after which Remus got up, announcing he wanted something to drink. Lily refused when he asked if he should bring her something.
She didn't even look after him when he exited. He eyes were glued to James, trying really hard to smile. She brushed her fingers through his hair.
"Well, at least you're breathing," she muttered more to herself than to him, watching his chest move very faintly. "But I wouldn't mind if you woke up."
She stroked his hand a few times, feeling the soft warmth from his fingers. Her hands were always cold, but whenever she touched James' they were warm. If he'd just been out flying in a snow storm, they were warm. Had he just pulled them up from a bucket of ice, they were warm. She envied that, but it also gave her a good excuse for always being near him, because she always had cold hands. He'd always warm hers up if she asked him to. Which she often did.
"Lily..."
Lily looked up, startled. Her name hadn't been more than just a whispered moan, not even that, but she knew where it had come from.
"James?" she asked, standing up.
He didn't move. She slowly put her hand to his cheek, feeling her heart race up.
"James, can you hear me?"
No response. She took hold of his hand again, brushing her fingers against the back of it, up his arm too.
"James?"
"He's not answering, Lily."
Lily spun around, facing Remus in the door. "He talked," she said.
"What?" he frowned, putting down the water and a cup of coffee on a table. "Lily, are you sure?"
"Yes," she insisted. "Remus, he said Lily. He said my name!"
Remus walked closer, watching James. He stopped on the other side of James, slowly talking hold of his hand. He let his hand run over James' forehead, very slowly. He looked up at Lily.
"You... you couldn't just have been imagining it?" He looked very tired and sad at the sad time.
"I..." She bit her lower lip.
She honestly didn't know. In the last six days she had slept less then what was needed, and she wouldn't rule out the chance that she had been imagining it. She just really wanted it so badly. But maybe it had been for real. Maybe it was just like a dream. Maybe he was only sleeping! Maybe he'd wake up any second now!
She looked at his figure again. He looked to be much more than sleeping. The chance of him speaking couldn't be high.
"I don't know," she said hopelessly.
He walked to her side. "Lily, we all want it." He handed her the cup of coffee. "But you're not helping yourself anymore. You can't stay here. You need to go home and get some rest, get something to eat and take a shower. Merlin, you need it. I'll stay."
She shook her head. "I want to be here when he wakes up." She looked shortly at the coffee and then put it on the table.
"You can apparate here in a second. Just go home."
She looked at James for ten long seconds. She took a deep breath, looking back at Remus. "Just for tonight then. I'll be back again tomorrow, and don't you dare go home. I don't want him to be alone."
"He won't be."
She hated leaving, but because Remus had some sort of magic power with talking people into things, she did. But as she went to sleep that night, she promised she'd be back at the hospital before the sun rose the next day.
*
She slept restlessly, and even though her alarm clock would have set off while it was still dark, she awoke before it started. She was wide awake in the next second and in the shower. She took slightly longer than she had wanted to, but she hadn't been able to restrain herself. It was still dark when she got out of the shower. Not bothering to dry her hair she went straight for the kitchen, feeling the need for food for the first time in six days.
After having eaten she hurried to get a jacket and then she disapparated. The outside of St. Mungo's was a lot quieter in the early morning, than at any time at the day, but she didn't stop to enjoy the fresh, cool air or the slight birdsong of the early morning. She hurried inside and up on James' ward.
Finding the room was easy enough, but she stopped a few metres away, feeling something was off. The door was open. She took a deep breath and slowly walked closer, but as the bed got into view she speeded up. She stopped in the doorway.
Empty.
Remus was sleeping in the chair, but the bed was made as if there never had laid a single person in it. Her breathing sped up, but was only shallow and didn't reach her lunges properly. She took a step closer.
Where was James? He couldn't be... She didn't finish that thought, because he just couldn't.
"Um, excuse me, nurse?"
Lily spun around and nearly fainted. James Potter stood in the doorway, looking just as shocked as she felt.
He was skinny. Skinnier than usual. And despite his (for once) flat hair and the slightly hungry look on his face, he looked healthy, fresh. His skin looked a bit waxy, but his face wasn't dead at all. His eyes had that same warmth she remembered so well and sparkled a little bit behind his glasses, just as she had hoped they would.
"Lily," he breathed.
She took ten long seconds to answer him, and when she did, she wasn't able to do more than breathe out a "Yes."
He smiled softly, moving to his bed. He sat down on the end. Her body followed his in a half circle around her, but otherwise she stood completely still, just looking at him, hoping it wasn't a dream, or that maybe she was hallucinating.
"I dreamed about you. Or, I dreamed about your voice."
"Really?" she asked with a smile.
He nodded. "You talked to me. Just talked."
Her breathing sped up again. Merlin, she hoped it wasn't a dream. Because if it was, she wasn't sure she ever wanted to wake up again. If James wasn't for real this time... She couldn't finish that thought.
"Lily, you're crying."
She blinked. "Am I?"
He nodded, getting up. In two strides he was in front of her. He slowly raised a hand, drying one cheek first, then the other. His fingers were warm. She smiled, leaning a bit into his touch.
"You okay?"
She wasn't sure. "I was afraid you'd never wake up again."
"When would I ever leave my friends alone? You need me here." He smiled that smile she loved so much.
"Never do such thing to me again, James Potter."
"I promise."
She looked up, her cheek only growing warmer and warmer under his hand which he still hadn't removed. She didn't want him to either. She just wanted to stand like this forever, looking him in the eyes. But very slowly she raised her hand and took his into hers, removing it. She held onto his hand, also taking the other, gathering them between the two of them.
"Your fingers are cold," he noted.
"You haven't been around to keep them warm," she said softly, holding them just a bit tighter. She took a deep breath. "James, I've got something to say to you."
"Funny," he said with a smile. "I've got something to say to you too."
They looked at each other a few seconds. Lily slowly nodded, licking her lips.
"You go first. I'd rather mine be last, seeing it'll probably take some time and response from you." She nodded to herself.
"Okay," he said with a very faint shrug. "I can do that."
And without further ado, he very softly kissed her. She barely had time to kiss him back before he broke away from her.
"That meaning," he said, swallowing. "Thanks. I don't think without you I'd have made it through. It was you I dreamed of, and you who spoke to me in my dreams. You were on my mind constantly. I love you."
She breathed out unsteadily. She wanted to say something, she really did, but words just didn't seem to cover what she wanted to say anymore. Instead she rose to her toes and planted a long kiss on his lips. She placed both of her hands on his neck and she could feel his hands on her waist. Then she broke away from him, feeling her blood rush in her cheeks and hearing her heart thunder loud in her chest.
"I love you too," she muttered, still standing on toes. "I have for way too long time now."
He smiled. "Thank you."
"No, thank you. I don't think I ever could have made it if you didn't wake up. I couldn't help thinking what if you never woke up again? And I wanted to tell you." Tears were once again in her eyes. "And then Sirius convinced me to do it, and I wanted you to hear it, but I didn't know if you did and... Oh, I'm so glad you're awake."
"You told me you loved me while I was not awake?" he asked. She nodded, making him smile. "I heard that. I heard every single word and thought I was just dreaming. You've been here this whole time, talking to me?"
She blushed, looking away. She hugged him tightly.
"Lily?"
"I didn't go home before last night," she whispered. "I didn't want you to be alone... And I wanted to be here when you woke up."
"But you weren't," he said lightly.
"Remus kicked me home."
He pushed her slightly away, so he could see her. "Merlin, Lily. You look like you could use a good night's sleep."
"Already had it."
"At least some food then. You look a little sick."
"I've been worried," she muttered.
"Well, next time I get hurt, I forbid you to even come near my bed. And instead I want you to take care of yourself." He kissed her quickly. "I don't want you to go around ruining yourself like this."
"Then I just have to make sure you never get hurt again."
He rolled his eyes. "But thank you."
She smiled and once again hugged him. She wanted to have him closer, even the way they stood now. She never wanted to let go of him again. Never.