Love is a Cruel Joke
"Tell him" James says sternly
"I can't" Sirius insists
James rolls his eyes, "Just tell Moony the truth, that you've fancied the pants off him since fourth year. He'll be thrilled."
Sirius raises an eyebrow, "Or he'll hate me and laugh at me."
"OR he'll be thrilled." James replies dully
"Or he could punch me, Merlin Prongs what if he punches me?"
James sighs in exasperation and walks over to where Sirius sits hunched over on his bed,
"He won't punch you, he won't hex you and he won't laugh at you. It's Moony. He'll love you no matter what, even if it's not how you want him to but he'll still love you as a friend regardless."
Sirius whimpers as James pulls him upright,
"Now go down there and just tell him. Wormtail and I have spent the past three years watching you pine over him and we're tired of it." James pats him on the back and smiles, "He's not going to hate you."
Sirius smiles weakly, "Yeah?"
James pushes him towards the door, "Yes! Now go tell your best mate that you love him and don't chicken out this time!"
Sirius falters for a moment before following instructions and trudging down the stairs reluctantly.
The Gryffindor common room is blissfully quiet this time of the evening. Most of the younger students are in bed while the older ones are probably in the library or in their dorms. That leaves only Remus sitting at the small table by the fireplace doing charms homework.
Sirius smiles as he watches Remus trail his quill along the parchment, his strong back bent over in his seat and his sandy brown curls falling over his forehead.
He could spend hours watching Remus when he's like this, focused and content, nothing and nobody bothering him. And admittedly he probably has spent an hour or two doing practically nothing except watching his friend study, write essays or take notes.
He's ashamed of it. He truly is but there's just something about Remus that makes him lose focus on everything and anything except for him.
Most of the time he can control his feelings, he can tease Remus about how he's the only one who's never jinkxed Snape, he can resist the urge to kiss him when he's biting his lip in that way that makes Sirius lose all train of thought and he can even see Remus shirtless without drooling (though James will argue against that last fact.).
But tonight after James's brutal honesty and the way Remus looks in the dim firelight of the common room, Sirius knows that if he doesn't tell him the truth now then he never will.
Summoning up every ounce of Gryffindor courage that he has in him, Sirius strides over to Remus.
"Hey Moony!"
Remus glances up from his assignment and smiles, placing his quill down on the table,
"Hi Sirius."
Sirius was sure he saw flickers of gold dancing in Remus's green eyes but that could have just been a reflection from the fire.
"Do you eh…mind if we talk for a bit?"
Remus's eyebrows draw together but he nods,
"No of course I don't mind."
Sirius smiles in gratitude and waits as Remus packs up his things and shoves them roughly into his bag.
They both sit on either ends of the couch facing one another, Sirius with his legs crossed under one another while Remus leans against the armrest with his knees to his chest.
"Is something wrong Padfoot?" Remus asks
His head is tilted slightly and his eyes are wide with concern, Sirius lets himself focus on the other boy's features for a minute. The fading scars on his neck from the last full moon, the mole under his jaw that Sirius has always had a mild obsession with and his lips that are almost always chapped because of his biting habit.
"Padfoot?" Remus repeats and Sirius snaps out of his thoughts.
"Right eh sorry, no nothing's wrong." Nothing's wrong yet anyway "I just wanted to tell you something."
Remus doesn't look entirely convinced but his face brightens when he hears nothing's wrong anyway.
"Okay sure go ahead."
Sirius freezes.
He's spent three years debating over the pros and cons of telling Remus the truth and every time he thought about it, he always came to the conclusion that it was better if he didn't say anything.
Nobody would get hurt and nothing would change.
The hope that something might happen someday was worth far more to him than the certainty that nothing ever could.
But Sirius knows he can't keep lying to him anymore. Pretending to care about any of the other girls or boys in the school, putting up a front that he was happy whenever he saw Remus talking extra friendly with someone in the corridors and he had enough of acting like it didn't kill him whenever Remus used the term 'friend' to describe him.
Because Remus was never just a friend to him and Sirius had always known that. So maybe this was for the best.
"Well…here's the thing." Sirius starts "I like you."
Sirius hesitates, unsure of whether he should continue but he stops when Remus smiles brightly,
"I like you too Sirius."
Shock and happiness builds rapidly in Sirius's stomach and floods up through his chest and he can't help the laugh of surprise that leaves his lips,
"You-what you do?"
Remus laughs too, "Of course. You're my best friend Sirius. I'd have to like you if I were to put up with your antics every day."
Sirius's smile immediately falls, his eyebrows rise and his mouth parts,
"No I…" Sirius swallows hard before speaking again "I didn't mean it like that."
This time it's Remus's turn to look shocked,
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I like you as…as more than a friend. More than a best friend even."
Sirius watches as Remus straightens up against the armrest and he watches the variety of emotions flicker across the werewolf's face but the only one he recognises is confusion.
"I don't understand." Remus eventually whispers.
Sirius can feel his hands begin to sweat and he curses James Potter for ever thinking this was a good idea.
"I like you in…a romantic way." Remus's eyes are wide and Sirius is a bit afraid that Remus has forgotten how to blink. "I'm attracted to you. I have been…for a while now." Sirius scoffs at himself "Okay more than a while it's been…years. I know I probably should have said something sooner but I was scared and-"
"Please stop."
Remus's words are no more than a whisper but even then they are able to cut through Sirius's heart like a knife.
Remus's face is emotionless and Sirius has never seen him look so cold before and just the thought of him causing that makes Sirius bite back a whimper.
He wants to speak, to explain, to apologise but he's terrified of what Remus will say next. He wants to tell him that he tried to stop liking him, that he desperately tried snogging other people, birds and blokes alike but it was no good. All he wants is his jumper-wearing, chocolate addicted, bookish best friend and nobody else.
"Why…" Remus sighs "Why are you saying all of this?"
Sirius wrings his hands, "Because I eh…well I figured it was time I told you the truth and em you deserved to know. I hated keeping it from you, I don't expect you to feel the same way or if you need time to adjust to my feelings then I understand!"
Remus scoffs bitterly and Sirius flinches.
"Who told you?" Remus's voice is barely more than a whisper again but this time his words come out brutal and harsh.
Sirius frowns, "What? Nobody told me anything-"
Remus laughs, except this isn't Remus's usual loud, boisterous laugh that's filled with joy and that causes his eyes to shine with that rare gleam of pure happiness. This laugh is sarcastic and far away.
It's fake.
"So you figured it out on your own then?" Remus raises an eyebrow "I'm not surprised. You are arguably the cleverest out of the four of us. But I never imagined this would how you would take the approach of confronting me about it, this is a cruel joke Sirius even for you."
Sirius squints his eyes and he can feel his body tense even further,
"Remus I don't know what you're talking about-"
Remus suddenly softens, his eyes turn to the fireplace but before they break eye-contact completely, Sirius catches the tears in his eyes. Remus runs a scarred, pale hand through his hair and releases a shaky breath.
"Please Sirius…you've already humiliated me enough and I-" his voice cuts off with a sob and Sirius heart breaks, "I'm sorry you found out, I tried to hide it but-"
"No!" Sirius reaches out and covers Remus's shaking hand with his own before he can think twice about it "No please you don't ever have to apologise. It's me! I'm the stupid queer who fell in love with his best friend!" Sirius jokes even though nothing about this situation is funny "Don't feel bad because you hate me. You're not the only one, you and my brother can start the 'I hate Sirius Black club' together really-"
Remus sniffs and when their eyes meet again, Sirius can see the confusion has etched back into them,
"Wait…what?" Remus says hoarsely "You…you were serious?"
Sirius is forced to bite back a Sirius/serious joke because he knows that now really isn't the time.
"What are you talking about?"
"When…when you said you liked me? I..I thought you were joking."
Sirius's eyebrows dart to his hairline, "What on earth made you think I was joking Moons?"
Remus looks at their intertwined hands and bites his lip for a second and Sirius has to remind himself how to breathe.
"I thought…I thought you found out about my crush on you and that you were just messing with me…"
Remus's voice is so quiet and frail that Sirius feels bad about the laugh that escapes his lips.
Remus's head shoots up when he hears it and Sirius catches the fear there that he was right the whole time so Sirius quickly rushes to reassure him.
Sirius slides forward and presses kisses along Remus's hand that's still connected to his and smiles lovingly at him.
"I solemnly swear I wasn't joking Moony. I had no idea you…you felt that way."
There is a brief pause before Remus breaks out into a wide grin and reaches forward and presses his lips roughly to Sirius's.
The moment their lips touch, an embarrassing moan escapes Sirius but he ignores it in favour of kissing Remus back just as intensely.
Sirius takes his hand from Remus's so he can put both of them on either side of Remus's head to balance themselves as they kiss. Remus's hands find their place at Sirius's waist and before long Remus is lying flat on his back with Sirius leaning over him and kissing him like he was born to do it.
They stay like that for what could be hours. Their kisses mixed with wandering hands, words of apologies from Remus and reassurance from Sirius but most of all they whisper declarations and promises of love as they lie intertwined by the firelight.