EXT. MANSION AND MOTEL - DAY
An old Victorian mansion and a motel complex stand next to
each other in an otherwise empty Southwestern desert. A
flickering neon sign reads "Kreepie Motel - Vacancy."
A car pulls up and parks in front of the motel. A man,
DETECTIVE ARBORDAY, steps out of the car, looking around as
he heads to the open door of the motel office.
INT. MOTEL OFFICE - DAY
Arborday walks in. A cartoony plastic owl in a swooping
position is mounted high on the far wall.
Under it is a young man, HERMAN, asleep at a desk, wearing a
lime-green ballcap, a T-shirt with neon zigzags on it,
shorts, and sandals.
ARBORDAY
Excuse me? Hello?
Herman doesn't respond. Arborday walks up and dings a bell
on the desk. Herman jerks awake.
HERMAN
Huh? Oh, uh...
Herman grabs a piece of paper and stands up.
HERMAN
(reading)
"Greetings, dudes and dudettes.
I'm Herman Kreepie, and welcome to
the totally radical Kreepie Motel
and Waterpark. Come for the room
and stay for the fun."
ARBORDAY
Waterpark?
HERMAN
I - Yes. Mother says we need to
expand our business if we want to
make the big bucks, so we converted
the swamp out back into a world of
first-rate family entertainment.
Herman raises a window shade to reveal a view of the large
inground swimming pool with water slides behind the motel.
It is completely unpopulated.
HERMAN
The...the bucks haven't gotten much
bigger.
ARBORDAY
Listen, friend, my name is
Detective Arborday, and I'm
investigating -
HERMAN
Wait, not done.
(reading)
"Parents can kick back with a
bodacious refreshment at our very
own bar while the kids are having a
tubular time at the pool."
ARBORDAY
I just want -
HERMAN
(reading)
"Sandwiches also available. Just
remember what Owlie always says."
Herman claps his hands. The plastic owl flaps its wings.
OWL
(scratchy recorded voice)
I'm Owlie the Owl, and I get really
bitter when there's litter-litter
litter-litter -
Herman throws a paperweight at the owl to shut it up.
HERMAN
Damn animatronics.
ARBORDAY
Listen! I don't care about your
little resort. Have you seen this
woman?
Arborday takes a photo of a young woman out of his pocket and
holds it up.
ARBORDAY
Her name is Mary-Ann Jane. She
stole the tip jar from the Waffle
House she works at and has been
missing for five days. She was
last seen on the road that goes
past this place.
HERMAN
The confidentiality of any person
who may or may not have been a
guest at our establishment is
strictly maintained.
ARBORDAY
Uh-huh. I suppose I can't look at
your registry book then.
HERMAN
We don't have a book. If you'd
like to register, just swipe your
card and I'll put you in the
database. No, you can't see the
database.
ARBORDAY
Um, okay. You mentioned your
mother. Is she in that big old
house? Can I talk to her?
HERMAN
Oh you really shouldn't do that.
ARBORDAY
Mmm-hmm.
Arborday looks around.
ARBORDAY
You know, I think I will take a
room.
HERMAN
Great!
ARBORDAY
I've been on the road all night. A
nice shower would do me some good.
HERMAN
If you want, you can spring for the
hot tub. Only thirty dollars
extra.
ARBORDAY
That's okay.
HERMAN
Tell two friends and get twenty
percent off your next stay.
ARBORDAY
Sure, whatever.
HERMAN
And ten points on your rewards card
when you sign up for -
ARBORDAY
(annoyed)
Maybe later!
EXT. MANSION AND MOTEL - DAY
Arborday comes out of the office.
HERMAN (O.S.)
Enjoy your stay!
ARBORDAY
Yeah, uh-huh.
He takes a few steps down the row of room doors. Then,
checking to make sure he's not being followed, he turns in
the direction of the mansion and makes his way to it, walking
up to the front porch.
INT. MANSION - DAY
Arborday knocks on the front door, then slowly opens it a
moment later, just enough to poke his head in.
ARBORDAY
Hello?
He opens the door a little more and slips into the foyer.
ARBORDAY
Mrs. Kreepie? Are you home? Your
son said I could find you here.
I'm a detective.
GRAVELLY FEMALE VOICE
Hey. Hi there.
ARBORDAY
H-hello?
GRAVELLY FEMALE VOICE
Up here.
Arborday looks up a flight of stairs to see a light peeking
through a cracked-open door on the upper landing.
ARBORDAY
Are you Mrs. Kreepie?
GRAVELLY FEMALE VOICE
Yeah, I sure am. Come on up. I
baked some cookies.
Arborday shrugs and starts up the stairs.
ARBORDAY
I just want to ask you some
questions about a missing person
and then I'll be out of your way.
GRAVELLY FEMALE VOICE
Oh splendid. I have a question for
you too.
ARBORDAY
For me? What -
As Arborday reaches the upper landing, the cracked-open door
flies open and MOTHER, played by Anne Ramsey, runs out at him
with a clipboard.
MOTHER
Will you take this quick survey
regarding your satisfaction with
our place of business?!
Arborday screams and stumbles backward, falling down the
stairs and hitting the foyer below.
ARBORDAY
(groaning)
Ugh, my head...
MOTHER
Oh crap.
Herman walks in.
HERMAN
Mother! What did I tell you about
leaving the door unlocked and
jumping out at everyone who comes
in with your surveys?!
Mother shuffles down the stairs.
MOTHER
Taking 'em by surprise is the only
way to get honest answers on the
form!
HERMAN
Well you've probably given this guy
an honest concussion.
MOTHER
Not my fault he's a clumsy poop!
Is he gonna sue us?
HERMAN
(to Arborday)
Hey dude, are you okay?
Arborday groans again.
MOTHER
Ask him if he can rate the quality
of our water slides on a scale of
one to ten.
HERMAN
I don't think he can do anything
right now.
Mother sighs.
MOTHER
All right, bring him out back.
EXT. WATERPARK BEHIND MOTEL - DAY
Arborday lies unconscious on pavement. A stream of water
hits him in the face, causing him to sit up, coughing.
ARBORDAY
Wha...what happened?
He puts a hand to the side of his head and looks up to see a
big plastic duck fountain. Next to it stand Herman and
Mother. Herman records Arborday with a smartphone.
MOTHER
Wake up! Today's your lucky day,
boy!
ARBORDAY
What's...what's going on?
HERMAN
You get to have lunch with Owlie
the Owl himself!
OWLIE, a man in an owl mascot costume, lurches up.
OWLIE
(panting)
Hi there...little boy... Are...are
you ready...to have fun...with good
ol' Owlie? God it's hot in here.
HERMAN
You usually need ten notches on
your punch card to meet Owlie, but
you get to do it right now!
Herman holds the phone closer to Arborday.
HERMAN
All you have to do is look into
this lens and say, "Kreepie Motel
and Waterpark is not responsible
for any injury I may have sustained
during my visit."
OWLIE
Argh! I can't do this!
Owlie rips off his fake head, revealing JEFF FAHEY inside the
costume, dripping with sweat.
JEFF FAHEY
Seriously, it's a million degrees
in this thing!
MOTHER
You put that head back on, Jeff
Fahey! You don't get paid to be
Jeff Fahey! You get paid to be the
friggin' owl!
MARY-ANN JANE walks up, wearing a robe.
MARY-ANN
Herman, the hot tub in my room
isn't working.
ARBORDAY
You!
MARY-ANN
Uh-oh.
Mary-Ann runs away.
ARBORDAY
Get back here!
Arborday staggers to a stand and limps off after her.
MOTHER
This town is full of weirdos!
Jeff Fahey lets the duck fountain spray him in the face.
MOTHER
We need to move! Everyone around
here has their screws loose!
Herman, with his back to Mother, puts a drop of liquid from a
small bottle with a skull and crossbones on it into a cup of
tea. He turns to Mother and offers the cup to her.
HERMAN
It'll be okay, Mother. Here, have
some tea.
MOTHER
Ooh, tea time.
Mother takes a sip.
MOTHER
Herman! There's barely any cyanide
in this tea at all! I told you,
four drops, not one!
Herman sighs and puts three more drops from the small bottle
into the tea.
HERMAN
You really need to cut down.
MOTHER
Shut up!
END