This is what happens when I get bogged down writing serious drama all the time: A crack fic, that doesn't really fit anywhere. But hey, this was kind of fun! I shall warn you that I have a lot of weird headcanons about America, but as I've just finished a year in AP US history, I can assure you that they are based in historical fact. This story is set about a year after the fall of the Soviet Union. (1992)

Enjoy!

"So, what did you want to talk to me about?"

Matthew raised the cup of coffee to his lips, peering at his brother over the edge of the cup. Alfred was in the midst of taking his own sip, when suddenly he paled and gulped down a larger amount than intended. He set the coffee cup on the table with a slam, the liquid sloshing as he spluttered and waved a hand frantically in front of his face.

"Hot hot hot!"

Matthew rolled his eyes. "Yes, Al. That's why you drink it slowly."

Alfred's eyes were watering, his face red. "Owowow…" He whined, biting his tongue. Matthew waited for the American to say more, but he only raised the coffee cup to take another sip. Alfred met Matthew's violet gaze and flashed a trademark grin.

"Nice weather, isn't it?"

Matthew felt an eyebrow twitch. "Al, you didn't fly all the way to Toronto and drag me by the wrist to a Starbucks just to talk about the weather."

Alfred coughed awkwardly into his cup. "Well… it is nice weather, isn't it?"

Matthew frowned. His brother was never like this – something important was definitely on his mind. "Is something wrong?"

"No," Alfred replied much too quickly. His cheeks were still red, but it wasn't from the coffee.

Matthew sighed. "Just tell me, Al."

Alfred suddenly seemed rigid in his seat. Matthew heard his fingers pop beneath the table, his eyes fixed firmly onto his coffee cup. "Right. Um." Alfred gulped. "So… um. Matt. I was wondering. What – " Here he paused, then took a deep breath. "Whatdoesitmeanwhensomeonekissesyou?"

Matthew blinked. Alfred dragged him all the way out there… to ask him THIS? He couldn't believe it! Of all the stupid questions….! " It means they like you." He said, his voice cold and indifferent. "It's kind of a universal thing."

Alfred's face flushed red and his blue eyes shot up, wide with panic. " R-Really? Wait, when you say 'like' do you mean like just as a friend like or really REALLY like, like you know…"

"Well it depends where they kissed you." Matthew said calmly, taking another sip. His eyes flicked towards Alfred, questioning.

Alfred's eyes shot into his lap as he popped more of his fingers. "Um. WellImeantonthelips."

Matthew rolled his eyes. Alfred could be so oblivious sometimes – if he had been raised by France, this wouldn't be an issue. "Well then that means they love you, Al." He was trying to patient. He really was.

This seemed to throw Alfred into a sheer panic. "Wh-what!? Wait, no, that can't be right! I mean like in other countries, like in Russia, people kiss each other on the lips all the time in Russia, don't they?!"

Now it was Matthew's turn to choke on his coffee. " Alfred – are you saying that Russia – "

"NO!" Alfred practically screamed, turning heads in the restaurant. For once he seemed conscious of his volume, glancing around nervously and leaning in to hiss in a whisper, "Oh GOD no! I meant – you know, if they do it in Russia, they probably do it in Lithuania, right? Kiss each other on the lips, I mean. You know, just because they really like you as friend and they're just happy to see you. Right?"

Matthew's eyes widened. "Lithuania?"

Alfred scowled in irritation. "Just answer the question, Matt!"

Matthew didn't know much about Eastern European culture, but all it took was for him to try and imagine Toris going around greeting strangers by kissing them on the lips for him to realize that it probably wasn't very common. "I don't think they do that," He said quietly. "I think that's just a Russian thing."

Alfred froze. "Oh." His face grew very pale.

Matthew studied his brother for a moment. He knew that Alfred wasn't one for relationships, but this was the strangest he had ever seen him act. "May I ask, what is the name of the pretty girl who kissed you in Lithuania?"

Alfred closed his eyes. "It…it wasn't a girl."

Ah. So that's why he was being so awkward about it. Even so, Matthew knew that Alfred had been with other men during the 70's. What made this so different? "Well then…what was his name?"

Alfred muttered something that Matthew couldn't make out. "Couldn't hear you, Al." It came out barely a whisper, as if Alfred didn't want a single soul other than Matthew to hear.

"Toris."

Matthew's mouth dropped. "Toris kissed you?"

"Shh!" Alfred leaned forward across the table, his eyes wild with panic. "Shut up or someone will hear!"

Matthew's mind spun. Another nation, willingly kissing his obnoxiously loud, annoying, overwhelmingly American brother? "Al, that's insane!"

"I know!"

"He kissed you!"

"I know!"

"When? How? You have to tell me everything!"

Alfred seemed so overwhelmed, Matthew actually felt sorry for him. He was worried that his brother might pass out right there in the coffee shop. The cup shook in Alfred's hands as he took a long sip, trying to steady his nerves. At last he took a deep breath, a slight tremor in his voice.

"It was my last night in Vilnius. We had spent like a week touring castles and going hiking and eating at cool restaurants and stuff – just hanging out, you know? And so we had dinner at his place, and then we walked out to the front porch to say goodbye, since I had to get back to my hotel and leave for the airport the next morning." Alfred's eyes were shimmering with confusion, as though he couldn't believe the words he was about to say. "And I said, 'Well see you around,' or some boring shit like that, and then he smiled and – and kind of just came up to me and – " Alfred's eyes widened, filled with fear. "And kissed me!"

Matthew suppressed a giggle. His brother could be so dramatic sometimes. "Did you like it?"

Alfred's jaw almost dropped to the table. This time Matthew had to try really hard not to laugh. "WHAT!?"

"Did you like it?" He asked again, grinning.

"I – wh– what the hell kind of question – he's a GUY!"

Matthew smirked. "So is China."

Alfred's face turned even redder than it already was. "That was different! That was just – it was in the 70's, okay, and we just did it to make Russia jealous!"

"Uh-huh."

"I'm serious, Matt!"

Matthew waved a hand. "Yeah, whatever. So did you like it?"

At last Alfred fell silent. "I – I don't know….God, I was so shocked, I don't even know if I felt anything. It was just, 'holy shit, why is he kissing me?!' and that was all that I remember."

"Did you kiss back?"

Alfred looked appalled. "No!"

Matthew shrugged. "Just asking."

There was a long stretch of silence, Alfred's cheeks flustered as his eyes remained fixed firmly on the floor, his knee bouncing up and down at lightning speed. It was then that Matthew realized why Alfred had chosen to speak with him about this. The poor guy had never been in a real relationship with another nation before, and he just didn't know how to handle it. Matthew suppressed a sigh. Thanks to England, no doubt. This was not the first time he'd had to play counselor for Alfred, and so Matthew began by prompting the obvious question.

"So…do you like him?"

Alfred's eyebrows scrunched together, his voice coming out as a whimper. "I don't know."

"You worried about him a lot during the Cold War."

"Yeah, as a friend! I never even – it never even crossed my mind that – " Alfred trailed off, resting his elbows on the table and dragging a hand through sandy blond hair. His shoulders rose and fell with a great sigh. "I guess I'm just kind of scared. Europeans are so weird, you know? And Toris… I mean, gosh, he's so much older than me and so much more experienced and he's the nicest person I've met in my entire life and I - I just don't deserve him!"

Matthew almost smiled. He had thought the exact same thing the day his plane landed in Ukraine, and Katushya had flown into his arms crying, thanking him for everything, when in truth he didn't think he had done anything at all. "Kat's a lot older than me," He said softly. "And experienced. And nice. I don't think I deserve her, but we love each other anyway."

Alfred slowly looked up. "Yeah but….don't you think that's dangerous? I mean, what if Russia – "

"Russia has no power over them, Alfred. He's still struggling to build up his economy again. And who knows? Maybe the reason Toris loves you is because he wants you to be his hero someday, when Russia gets strong again."

America's eyes widened. "His…hero?"

Matthew almost smiled. He knew that was the right thing to say. "Yes, Al. You always wanted to be a hero, didn't you?"

Alfred's lips pressed into a frown, his face shadowed in regret. "Yeah, but…I wasn't Toris's hero! I didn't save him, I didn't even help him win independence!"

"Yes you did. The whole time you were building bombs and developing rockets and computers, you were draining Russia of all of his money. You helped speed up the collapse, Alfred. If it weren't for you, the Soviet Union might still exist."

Alfred's eyebrows shot up. "Huh. I never thought of it that way." He bit his lip. "You really think Toris wants me to be his hero?"

Matthew smiled. "Alfred, I think you already are."

"Oh." A small smile found its way to Alfred's lips. "Hey, that's kind of cool."

There was another stretch of silence, as Matthew drank more of his coffee and allowed his brother some time to think. Finally Alfred asked, "So…what do I do now?"

"Have you and Toris set up another time to meet?"

"Not yet."

Matthew took another drink from his coffee. "Well then, the next time you meet, either tell him that you love him, or tell him that you just want to be friends."

Alfred frowned. "But…how will I know which one to tell him?"

Matthew smiled to himself and shook his head. Alfred was truly hopeless.

"You'll know, Al. You'll know."

Historical Notes:

The Soviet Union fell in 1991 due to a lot of internal problems, and the fact that Gorbachev decided to allow the people of the Republics to speak out against the government. This led to a huge independence movement in all of the Soviet Republics, resulting in a complete collapse of the Soviet Union.

US-China talks, also known as SALT, was a strategic political move made by our beloved President Richard Nixon. (What do you know, there's more to him than just Watergate.) Soviet-China relations were getting rough in the early 70's, and so Nixon took this as an opportunity to improve the U.S's relations with China. This also became known as Ping-Pong diplomacy, and anyone who has watched Forest Gump might know what I'm talking about. The Soviets were horrified to see the U.S and China getting so close, so they invited Nixon to Moscow and eased tensions between the two.

Edit: This fic no longer fits in my headcanon universe – Alfred HAD been in an intimate relationship prior to the 70's. However as this does not conflict with any of my published fics, I will leave it here for now. I also apologize if this fic gives any sense of homophobia – I grew up in the American South in a Christian household, and at the time of publication of this fic, I still didn't fully understand the LGBT+ community. My stance on homosexuality changed as I gained more exposure through fandoms and youtubers (I had to do this all on my own, in secret, feeling that I was doing something "bad") Two years after I published this fic, I came out as asexual. So I apologize for any sense of prejudice, as this was purely a byproduct of my upraising and lack of exposure to the LGBT+ community. I'm not proud of it, but I am so grateful that I was able to meet some amazing people who taught me that everything I had grown up believing about this community was wrong.