Stress. That's all this Brit feels right now.
It's a humid Thursday evening in August and I'm driving to Birmingham for EGX.
Just trying to concentrate on the road is a nightmare. So much is going through my head.
For a while now, Jon and Austin have been on a falling out for a reason no one will tell me. Both of them are throwing their anger on me. Yelling at me. I can't write and film and edit videos with them and the rest of the guys taking it out on me. They could just keep it to themselves or type it out, but no. They just have to throw it on me. They have to throw it on Caddicarus, just like everyone else already does. Why me? Why is it always me who has to suffer through them? This crap is only making my anxiety worse. Both NormalBoots and HiddenBlock are tearing apart. And it's not only happening in HB and NB. Other people that are friends with me have been acting weird. The only people near me who can give me at least a little bit of comfort is my girlfriend.
I pull over as I get teary-eyed. I lean back on the seat and just cry it out.
Looking up at the rear view mirror, I see a man that has been broken for the past few weeks. My hazel eyes are bloodshot, their shine lost. My beanie is ruined in some parts because I was ripping it out of anger a few days ago. There's scratches on my neck from panic attacks I've had. I'm a mess. I'm just a complete mess. Getting on camera is a chore nowadays. An embarrassment.
Just don't go to this stupid con, Jim, I hear a voice in my head say. You're only going to put more stress on yourself.
"I paid for it...I have to go." I whisper to myself.
I wipe the tears off my face and get back on the road.
It's going to be just fine, Jim. You're fine. Everyone from across the "pond" who's bothering you won't be there. Don't think about it.
After a few minutes of driving, my phone starts ringing. I quickly look over and see that it's Cerys. I answer and put it on speaker.
"Hello, Jim! How's the drive so far?" "Oh...it's going fine. I'm just a bit emotional, but...it's fine." "Emotional about what?"
Crap. I spilled it.
"Um...well...by emotional I mean...I already miss you." Cerys chuckles and says "Oh Jim, you're the sweetest man I know. Well, I know you're busy concentrating on the road, so I better leave you to it! Bye!". "Bye honey."
She hangs up.
Trying to get over it, I look in the distance and notice that I'm coming up on a bridge over a good-sized lake. I've never gone this way to Birmingham before so this is new for me.
I reach over to the car radio and turn something on. I just need something to listen to as I'm stressed as heck and I'm trying to drive.
"Blech...it's all pop..." I murmur as I press through the stations. I sigh and just turn off the radio.
When I turn the radio off, I see that I'm closer to the bridge.
The bridge isn't that far off the ground, but it's pretty long. It's old and run-down. I really do hope I'm going the right way...
"Caddy, I thought you were a better editor than this!" Austin snaps at me over Skype. "You don't put that text there yet, you do it near the end. And why do you keep shoving in those distorted voice clips? They're hurting my ears!"
In front of that computer screen, in my dark office in the middle of the night, I start sobbing quietly. I would say something back to him but I just can't make myself do so. So I just resort to crying and I try to block out what he's saying. Austin and Jon have been acting weird lately. Really weird.
I quickly hang up on him, shut off the computer, and start heading to my room, still crying. Before I head up the stairs, I see Cerys in the living room, still awake. "Honey..? I thought you went to bed!" she says. "No...I was on Skype..." I say to her, tears constantly dripping off my face. Her face turns to shock when she sees me crying. "Oh, Jim, what happened?" I slowly walk to the couch and sit right next to her, then cry on her shoulder. "It's alright, honey, you don't have to tell me..." "Oh...nothing's wrong, Cerys...I'm just burned out from work, and...it sort of got me emotional..."
Once I get done crossing the bridge, I drive for a few minutes and I run into a dead end. Of course I was going the wrong way. "CRAP!" I yell, slamming my hand on the steering wheel.
"Just...calm down, Caddy, you can turn back...you'll get to the hotel a little later than you thought you would but it'll be fine," I tell myself.
So I turn around and start heading towards the bridge again.
The closer I get to the bridge, the more I feel the world going in...slow motion. I feel that at any moment, something is going to happen that's going to make my situation worse. I feel that in a few seconds, I could get a call on my phone from one of the HB guys telling me that one of our own had died tragically. I feel that I could look at my channel tomorrow and see that it's all gone forever because of the YouTube system.
Then everything starts getting in the normal speed again. I'd just gotten on the bridge, and there's another car going real fast, heading right for me. And I shriek once I get out of my stance. I sharply turn my car around just as they do to theirs. And I plummet with my car into the water.
I lie down moaning on the red couch in my office, my arms clutched onto my stomach. I'm throwing up and I can hear the girls fighting in the next room with Cerys screaming at them. The rain is pelting down like crazy and all of this together is making my stomach pain worse. The camera is set up in front of me like it's waiting for me to turn it on and start filming. I'd already filmed my first part by myself earlier when I wasn't feeling like crap yet.
A loud crash of thunder makes me jump, and I throw up again. I can't believe Connor is wanting to do this video even though I'm puking my guts out. And Connor is taking this video so seriously. He was grumpy when he got to my house a few hours ago, and he kept yelling at me whenever I was getting a little slow with working.
He went out for a while, but he didn't really tell me where he was going. I guess he went to get something at the shops that he needed...? I don't know. I keep lying there, waiting for the pain to go away.
About 10 minutes later, my pain has gone down slightly, but it goes right back up when I heard a loud bang on my door.
Connor, soaked from head to toe, slams open the door with a large amount of force, and he sees me lying there on the couch.
"What are you doing!? Why aren't you working!?" he snaps, his face turning red. I stare at him, unable to say words. "You smell like vomit..." He looks down at the bucketfull of vomit by the couch, and kicks it over. "Listen, Caddy, I need to get this done quick. You moping around isn't going to help. Now get off the couch!" "B-b-b-but C-Connor, I'm s-sick-" "NO YOU'RE NOT."
I mumble and shake, trying to get off the couch. But I just end up falling down in my own vomit. I then start crying, and about 10 minutes later, after Connor gives up, Cerys rushes in and sees me lying in my sick, crying and scratching myself from stress. "JIM!" she yelps. She runs over and looks at me, taking off my beanie and running her fingers through my hair. "Baby, it's alright..." "C-Connor...had to leave because something came up, and...I'm sick..."
I gasp for air as I lift my head above the rising water in my car, and remember that I'd just crashed into the lake.
I start breathing uncontrollably and I throw off my seatbelt. I can't see well in the car due to it being nighttime. And my eyes haven't adjusted to the dark yet.
Once my eyes adjust, I control my breathing while I try to find something to break the window with. The water is already almost to the ceiling, so I take a deep breath, duck under, and move to the back seats where there's still air.
"Please...let there be something...anything…!" I grunt as I look for something, as the water quickly makes it's way to the ceiling.
No. There's nothing.
I inch my head up to the ceiling, getting ready to take my final breath. Once I take it, I'm able to open the doors, and I swim up to the surface.
My tired body tries to get used to the deep and rough waters once I reach the surface. When I lift my hands to wipe the water off my face, I feel that I lost my beanie. Looking to my side, I see that it's floating right by me, so I grab it and put it back on. Coughing and gasping for air, I tread water for a couple minutes, calming myself down, and then I swim to land.
I start walking out of the water once it starts getting shallower. Then I slump down on the muddy bank, trying to control my breathing. My soaking wet clothes stick to me, making me feel more uncomfortable than I was before. Luckily, the water was not freezing cold, so I don't have much of a risk of hypothermia.
I look up at the lake in front of me, and I look at the old bridge, the fencing on it broken where I drove off. I look at it harder, and I see that there's...another spot where someone drove off on the other side. Oh God, I'd forgotten there was someone else on that bridge with me.
Quickly, I run back into the water and swim as fast as I can to the bottom of the bridge. I then dive under and try to find another car. It'd already reached the bottom, and when I finally reach the car, I look inside of it and see that no one is there. I open the door and see that they have a bag on the passenger's seat. And it sort of looks familiar...
I start losing my breath and then I notice that there are some air bubbles in the car. So I swim in and breathe them in, and when I look down, I see a name on the backpack: Nico Vliek.
Oh no. I forgot he was coming to EGX too.
I start heading to the surface and start yelling for him once I get up.
"...UGH!...Nico?...Nico?...NICO!? WHERE ARE YOU, NICO?" I yell loud enough for him to hear, wherever he is. I swim out of the lake again and start looking everywhere for him, calling his name. I'm starting to get very panicked.
My throat starts tightening and I plop down and start taking deep breaths. "Nico... please don't be dead..."
"C-C-Caddy...? Is that you?"
Nico comes from behind the bush next to me. "WHERE DID YOU GO? WHY WEREN'T YOU NEAR THE WATER?" I scream. "Woah, woah, woah, c-calm down, man-" He then sees how I ripped my beanie, where I scratched my neck, and he hears my rapid breathing. He then gives me a hug, and I can feel him shaking. "L-l-look, Caddy, I'm sorry. I w-wasn't thinking." "I wasn't thinking either Nico. I was...well, we were going the wrong way. I'm stressed so much right now because everyone is treating me like crap and it's affecting the way I look and the way I do things." "I know that feeling, Caddy...Rosie dumped me last month. I was going to come up to her at EGX and give her a gift to remind her of the good times, but now it's all in the water...oh God, it's all in the water!"
Nico frantically gets up and starts getting back in the water. "WAIT! NICO, DON'T-" He'd already dove down. I get back in, take a deep breath and dive under. Once I'm underwater, Nico's already almost down to the car. I make my way down quickly and I grab him as soon as he starts trying to open the car door. He notices me and tries to make himself stay down and get his bag. I keep trying to bring him up, and I finally do, as soon as Nico finally lets go of the door handle.
"…Nico...the gift is most likely...ruined by now…" I say as I'm surfacing. Nico is just as stressed as I am right now, if not even more. "But Caddy-" "Nico. It's time to move on." I declare to him.
Tears then form in his eyes, and he swims out faster than I can blink almost. A few seconds later, when I look behind me, he's already disappeared.
I close my eyes and float on my back, tears flowing down my cheeks. I then go under, and once I open my eyes….Nico's car is...gone. I go back up and see that the part where the fence broke when Nico crashed through is gone too. He was….never here. I hallucinated all of this...have I seriously gone down this far?
I swim out and fall asleep on the bank, crying myself to sleep. Hopefully someone will find me. Hopefully someone will care enough to do just that...