This is the first chapter of three, maybe four. It's going to be graphic, violent and raw so if that bothers you, please reconsider reading this fic.

Whiskey Through My Veins

Chapter 1

Amanda didn't want to go. She didn't want to go at all but it was the captain's orders and she had no authority over the matter and she knew better than to try and talk Craigen out of it because a lot of questions would surely be asked as to why she didn't want to go. Besides, it was a conference for all female Special Victims Unit Detectives so sending someone else as her replacement was out of the question.

Olivia was going. As far as Amanda knew, she was already packed and ready to go, not really bothered about flying down to Atlanta and spending two nights in a five star hotel. Olivia probably thought of it as a holiday rather than a work related business trip but for Amanda it meant going back to her roots, her old town, her old precinct, her old squad and her old deputy chief, Charles Patton.

She had two hours before Liv would pick her up but she just couldn't find the motivation or the energy to pack her bag. Clothes and toiletries were scattered across the bed, just waiting to be neatly folded and placed into the suitcase but she felt as if she was frozen to the ground, thoughts overwhelming her senses and her whole demeanor changed from reluctant to almost panicky.

"I can't do this." she said out loud to herself, running her fingers roughly through her blonde hair as she struggled to contain her racing heart and her laboured breathing. "Yes, I can. Yes, I can." she repeated and began to pace back and forth in her currently messy bedroom. "I can do this, I can. I won't let him ruin this. He probably won't even be there. It's only for female detevtives, I'll be fine."

She made another attempt to start packing her belongings but she didn't bother to fold and wrap them in a tidy manner and, instead, just shoved it all into the bag and closed the lid. "Done." she muttered and made her way into the kitchen so she didn't have to look at the suitcase anymore and to distract herself from the reoccurring thought of actually unpacking it, telling the captain that she had suddenly fallen ill and was unable to go.

Her stomach was unsettled, uneasy and churning. She hadn't been back home in Atlanta one single time since she moved to New York nearly two years ago. She hated the place and there was nothing there for her anymore. Her mother and sister still lived there, of course, but she had no interest in contacting them during her stay. Her family usually meant trouble and she didn't want to get dragged down to their miserable level and their drama. She was better off just cutting all ties and bonds with them, once and for all, to keep herself from getting hurt.

Two days. That was all. Just two days and she would be back in New York again and this conference would be behind her, in the past, done and dusted. Just two days. She had no choice but to get through it, to grin and bear the coming couple of days so she could finally breath easier when it was all over. Just two days.

"Just two days." she thought out loud, rubbed her palms over her pale and tired face and leaned up against the kitchen counter, arms crossed and deep in thoughts. Something brown and shiny caught her eye and, turning her head to the side, she spotted the bottle of whiskey she had bought just a few days ago. It was already half empty or half full, depending how you look at things, and she decided that one drink couldn't hurt. Besides, it might even help her relax and feel a bit calmer about this situation she was currently in.

She poured herself a substantial shot of the liquor and drained the glass in two large gulps, feeling the burning of the spirit as she swallowed, the slight sweet aftertaste that coated her inner cheeks and the bitterness that followed. It was her favourite drink and she always tried to keep a bottle of it in her cupboard for stressful and daunting situations like this. She poured another, not thinking too much of it at the time, but after a third shot of the whiskey she began to feel slightly woozy and dizzy and that's when she knew she had to stop before it got out of hand.

There was a knock on the door and she then realized that she must've been standing by the kitchen counter, numbing her senses and the time had somehow picked up speed. Olivia was here. Quickly she put the glass into the sink and tucked the bottle away, into the very far corner, hidden behind the plates and cups so Liv wouldn't notice it. "It's open." she called but approached the door anyway as the brunette slowly stepped inside, a slight smile on her face.

"You ready to put your feet back on your southern turf?"

Amanda obviously didn't find it funny or amusing at all but let out a nervous chuckle anyway. "Something like that." she took a deep breat to clear her head. "Let me just grab my bag and I'll be right back."

Inside her bedroom she felt her heart rate pick up and her face began to burn from the alcohol she had consumed and she rushed into the bathroom and splashed cold water onto her heated skin to cool it down. Looking in the mirror she wasn't happy with what she saw but there was nothing she could do about it now.

"You okay, Amanda? We kind of have to go."

She heard Liv call from the hallway and she straightened up, wiped the water off her face and took a deep steady breath. "Yeah, I'll be right there." she shouted, exited the bathroom, grabbed her suitcase of the unmade bed and walked towards her waiting colleague. "Let's do this." she muttered and locked the door behind.

The plane was full and, of course, the two women had their assigned seats next to each other. Amanda by the window and Olivia in the middle while a stranger was seated by the isle. The whiskey that the blonde had so greedily gulped down earlier was no longer in her system and she was almost desperate for another few drops. When the air hostess asked if they needed anything Amanda was quick to order herself a double and then looked towards Olivia to see if she wanted anything to drink.

"I'll just have a diet coke, please." she smiled politely and then turned towards the blonde next to her. "A double? Wow, you're starting early, Rollins." she chuckled as she tried to get comfortable in the cramped seats, her long legs bent and her knees pressing into the chair in front.

"Just leave it." Amanda snapped without even looking in Olivia's direction, her eyes focused on the white fluffy clouds out the window.

"Okay." the older woman answered calmly, so calmly, that it annoyed Amanda even more but swallowed her words before they could escape.

"I'm sorry." the blonde muttered. "I just don't like to fly." she lied and gripped her fingers so tightly around the armrest that her knuckles turned white and bloodless.

"It's okay. A lot of people are afraid of flying, which is quite understandable since you're thousands of feet up in the air and have no control of the situation." she stated matter of factly. "It causes your brain to run rampant and your heart begins to pound out of your chest."

Finally Amanda looked into Olivia's dark brown eyes. "Gee, thanks. You just made me feel so much better." she rolled her eyes but turned her gaze back towards the sky line, watching another plane in the far distance sailing through the clouds.

"Hey," came the gentle reply. "It's gonna be okay. We're gonna land safely on the ground, don't worry."

Amanda held in a sudden gasp as she felt Olivia's large warm hand cover her own one resting on the armrest between them. The contact made the small woman's heart flutter and her skin to burn under the soft touch and she couldn't find it in herself to pull away, but instead, she let her gaze wander from the window towards the two hands.

Just as she was about to thank Olivia for the reassuring words, her drink was suddenly handed to her and she had to let go of the comforting and grounding touch. Her hands shook as she held the precious liquor, threatening the amber content to spill if Olivia hadn't been so quick in her actions and circle her own hand around Amanda's clutching digits.

"Easy." she soothed and guided the glass towards the blonde's pink lips and after two large sips, Amanda pushed the drink away, placing it on the fold out table in front of her. "Better." Liv asked, her brows raised and a slight smile played in the corner of her mouth.

Amanda didn't trust her voice at the time and nodded instead, afraid that she would sound shaky and unsteady if she spoke. "Good." Liv said softly, leaned her head back, closed her eyes and relaxed back into the, highly uncomfortable, seat.

About a half hour later, the alcohol had made itself at home in her veins and she stated to feel sleepy and foggy. Her eyes drifted close, her breathing slowed down and evened out and her head began to unwillingly droop to the side and came to rest on Olivia's shoulder, now fast asleep.

The senior detective popped one eye open as soon as she felt the soft pressure on her upper arm and she looked down at the blonde tresses belonging to Amanda, smiled before she, once again, shut her eyes and drifted off into a light slumber.

Amanda woke up, startled, as the plane hit the ground. Her head bounced from Olivia's shoulder and her face turned completely red when she realized that she had fallen asleep on her coworker's shoulder. God, I hope I didn't drool on her. She thought as she straightened up, throwing the brunette an awkward glare.

"Don't worry about it. I'm happy that I could be of some assistance." she chuckled and tried to stretch her legs out, feeling the pins and needles in her feet from sitting in the same position for so long.

They hailed a cab to the hotel so they could check in and get rid of their luggage before heading out for a late lunch. The conference didn't start until five and would only last until seven but tomorrow was an eight hour long day of sitting inside a, probably, too cold and too bright room, bunched together with strangers and listening to boring lecturers.

The captain had booked their hotel and must've, knowingly or unknowingly, set them up in joining rooms. It didn't bother them since they still had the privacy of their own separate rooms. The only thing was that the door between them wasn't locked and could be left open if wanted or needed be.

As soon as Amanda entered her room, she spotted the mini bar and the urge to have another beverage was strongly pulling at her. She had no idea if the alcohol was included in the price or not and didn't want the captain to end up with a sky high bill in a few days time so she decided to leave it alone. She could drink downstairs in the hotel bar where she could pay her own way without being worried about Craigen finding out.

There was a knock on the joint door and Amanda yelled at the brunette to come inside. "Nice room." Liv stated, amused by her own humour as her room looked exactly the same.

"Yeah, it's the most expensive hotel in Atlanta. I don't know how the captain got the all clear to book us in to such a fancy place." she explained while hanging up a couple of shirts and blazers on the hangers provided and placed them in the wardrobe.

"Well, I'm not complaining." Liv stated and sat down on the perfectly made bed. "Know any good places to eat, Rollins? I'm famished."

The blonde shrugged and thought for awhile. "There's a couple of good restaurants not far from here. It's about a ten minute walk, we can try one of them."

"Lead the way!"

They ate mostly in silence, only exchanging vague details about themselves and their personal life. After working together for nearly two years, they didn't know much about one another especially Amanda who was always professional and rarely spoke about herself, her past or her family. Olivia couldn't help but to feel slightly curious about the blonde sitting in front of her and she had this strong pull to get to know her better since they were currently visiting her hometown and where she grew up.

"Does your family know that you're gonna be here for a couple of days?" Liv carefully asked as she sipped her water, the late lunch already consumed and they were now forced to speak to each other since they were no longer busy eating.

"I didn't tell them I was in town. Besides, we'll be too busy with the conference so there was no point letting them know really." she shrugged and picked at the remainder of her pasta dish that she didn't even eat half of.

"You still have some free time after we finish tomorrow or even friday morning, since we don't fly back until noon." Liv suggested. "You should let them know you're here."

"I said, there's no point." Amanda snapped back at her. "Can you please just drop it." her tone was more harsh than what she had intended but she couldn't stop the words from coming out and now it was to late to take it back.

She watched as the older woman raised her hands in a resigned manner and how her lips were pressed tightly together and drawn into a thin line. "I'm sorry, it's none of my business." she calmly stated and rested her elbows on the table top. "Wanna head back to the hotel? I think I need to freshen up a bit before we're forced to huddle up in a room full of strangers."

"You go ahead, there's something I have to do. I'll get the bill." she said in a serious tone, her eyes never meeting Olivia's as she spoke. She had to be alone for awhile, to get her thoughts and feeling together and to clear her head from the reoccurring images and memories of her former deputy chief Charles Patton.

"Are you okay?" Liv cocked her head to the side and narrowed her eyes, studying the petite woman intensely, waiting for an answer. "I'm sorry if I upset you."

"It's okay, you didn't upset me. I'm alright, thanks." she stood up, fished through her wallet and placed the money on the check they just recieved, enough to cover the tip as well. "I'll see you in about an hour." she was gone before Olivia could utter another word or try to stop her from leaving.

Amanda went to the only place she knew would help her ease some of the stress and anxiety, the casino. She had promise herself not to ever go down this road of gambling again but, considering the current circumstances, she felt as though she was somehow allowed to break her rule. Just this once.

She headed straight towards the Black Jack table, sat down and placed her bets, hoping for a winning hand. She ordered herself a double whiskey, drained it almost immediately and asked for another. The place was buzzing, even though it was still quite early in the day, but her mindset was now completely calm and foused. The noises around her were all too familiar, this was the usual spot she would go to when she decided to try her luck at gambling and, all too many times, she had lost and was deeply in debt. The past year she had been happily deabt free and she would not sink into that rabbit hole again.

The sheer thrill and excitement of it all caused her blood to surge and flow faster in her veins, her heart beart would pick up speed, her senses magnified and nothing else mattered but the cards in her hand and a whiskey in the other. It was like she was made for this, made to gamble, made to live on the edge and not knowing if she would be completely penniless walking out through the grand double glass doors, spotless and shiny from the daily maintenance. In here, she became alive.

Time flew by in a different speed and manner and before she knew it she was running late to the conference. The urge to just skip it all together, to stay exactly where she was and gamble the night away, was more appealing to the blonde but she knew better. If she didn't show, she would never hear the end of it and she would probably lose her job for being irresponsible and for not following orders. She walked out of the large pristine building with a hundred bucks less, than what she had when she entered, a heavy and pounding head and a damaged self esteem.

There was no time for fixing hair or make up, not even a short trip to the bathroom was possible so she had to hold it until the first break, if there was one. As quiet and smoothly as she could, she slowly opened the big wooden door that led into the conference hall and was stunned to see the room packed and nearly every seat taken. She swiftly slipped inside, still holding onto the door, when she suddenly lost her grip on the handle and the loud noise it made as it slammed shut caused every head in the audience to turn her way.

Mortification didn't even cover it. She swallowed nervously and quickly tried to find an empty seat amongst the massive crowd and spotted one near enough to the isle but close to the stage and she had to try her hardest to hold her head up high as she determinedly made her way to the vacant chair and sat down.

The person who was currently speaking was a middle-aged man, well dressed and confident when it came to holding speeches. It didn't surprise Amanda that a man was hosting an all woman conference, and especially here in Atlanta where a lot of people were old fashioned, set in their ways, thinking that a man would probably do a better job at speaking in public, than a woman.

As the man kept going on and on about how important it is to try and relate to each victim in their line of work, she discreetly looked around the room to see if she could spot Olivia anywhere. Looking behind her was not an option since she had drawn enough attention to herself by being late and for making a dramatic entrance, and she gave up trying to find her coworker and, instead, tried to focus on what the man on stage was actually saying, when her heart suddenly stopped.

Her blood turned into ice and her breathing seized for a moment before she had to remind herself to actually inhale. Her previous rosy cheeks had now turned into a shade of pasty grey and cold sweat was beginning to bloom on her forehead and upper lip. Only a couple of rows in front of her, she could now easily make out the face and posture of her former boss and and superior officer. It was Charles Patton, the man she hated, the man who wa the reason for her transfer to New York, the man who took something from her, something that could never be returned or restored. Her dignity and self preservation.

His profile stood out from the crowd. He was one of few men inside the hall but Amanda couldn't care less if he was a man, woman, animal, an alien or some kind of hybrid. To her, he was a monster, a predator and a vile creature that took advantage of his higher position and his authority, to rob other's from their self worth and their sanity.

The man on stage could be speaking directly to her and she still wouldn't have noticed. She was that scared, shocked and completely taken by surprise by his presence and she didn't know what to do with herself or the situation at hand. She thought about storming out of the room and not look back but decided against it, since she would only cause more drama and focus on herself again. The only thing she could do was to sit there, her eyes fixed on the monstrosity of a man that, once again, seemed to have a hold on her, a vice grip of evil that he represented and possessed and there was nothing she could do about it.

Olivia, who was sitting about six rows behind, had immediately noticed Amanda coming through the door, face flushed, hair slightly toussled and seemingly disoriented. She frowned as she spotted her coworker's disheveled looks and followed her with her gaze as she took the vacant seat. It was not more than a minute later that she saw the blonde's face turn ghostly grayish, almost white, and how her demeanor changed from flustered and bothered to rigid and down right terrified.

She watched the petite woman curl into herself, head down but her eyes never leaving whatever or whoever she was staring at. She tried to make out what her eyes were focused on but, since she didn't have a clear view, it was nearly impossible. Her own senses were on high alert, her cop mode kicked in and she knew that something wasn't right. She wanted to ask Amanda about it but now was not the appropriate time and she had to wait until they got a break or until the end of this boring man's speech.

After almost ninety minutes, Olivia knew that the wishful opportunity for a break wasn't going to happen and she now had to wait for another thirty minutes before she could get to Amanda. It was the longest thirty minutes in her life and she couldn't help but to think if Amanda felt the same. As soon as the middle-aged man finished his informative speech, she watched as the blonde stormed out the room, bumping into random people as she ran, her face looking even more deathly pale than before.

Hot in her heels, Olivia chased after her, saw the blonde running into the toilets in the lobby area of the hotel and followed suit. Upon opening the door she could instantly hear the sound of vomiting and, since all the toilet stalls were open except for one, she knew that it had to be Amanda.

"Amanda, honey? You okay in there?" she asked, worried for her colleague's health.

"I'm fine." came the hurried but weak reply and Liv heard the toilet flush as the blonde stepped out, her face now covered in a light sheen of sweat, her hands shaky and her legs didn't seem to be able to hold her own bodyweight.

The brunette rushed to her side, supporting her by the elbow while she roped an arm around her waist, leading her to the sink. "You don't look fine. Amanda. What happened in there? You looked like you had seen a ghost for the past two hours. Did something happen?"

Amanda wormed herself out of Olivia's gentle hold, immediately missing the secure and warm contact, turned the tap on and rinsed her mouth. "I'm fine. Nothing happened." she mumbled, wiping her face with a paper towel and tossed it in the trash.

Before Liv could ask anymore questions or probe deeper into the topic, Amanda was already heading back out and Olivia had no option but to follow. She was worried and confused about what had happened before and inside that room. Leaving the blonde to her own devices didn't sit right with her as her instincts told her that something was up.

She caught up with the younger woman but accidentally bumped right into her from behind, not noticing or paying enough attention, to see that Amanda had stopped dead in her tracks, her whole body, once again, stiff and rigid and her face ashen. Before her was a man that Liv had never seen before and she could tell straight away that she didn't like this guy by only judging his exaggerated smile.

The man grinned from ear to ear, eyes burrowing deep into Amanda's before they slowly travelled down her body and then back up again to settle on her face once more. "Amanda, darlin, it's so nice to see you. How's the big apple treating you?" he snickered, clasping his hands in front of him, acting all charming and irresistible. "Who's your friend?" he glanced towards Olivia, who had stepped out from behind the blonde, and reached out his hand. "Since detective Rollins seems to have lost all her southern politeness, I will have to introduce myself. I'm deputy chief Charles Patton, the head of the SVU department here in Atlanta and Amanda's former boss."