A/N: HOW GOOD WAS TONIGHT'S EPISODE?! I loved the first scene, yes the parallels to Season 2 in the car talking about commitment issues was obvious lol But also, JAY WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?! haha

Poor Erin though, but as soon as it happened my mind went crazy with a scene between Jay and Erin. I'm happy with the episode, but fanfic is here to fill it and extend since they only have 40 mins ;)

Erin Needs Me

Jay POV

I watch Erin leave the bar, struggling to compose herself. I know instantly, she needs my help to hold herself together tonight.

The pain and guilt is obvious on her tortured features, my heart touched that she still found time to stop by.

"Hey guys, I'm gonna take off." I pull my jacket from the barstool.

"Why man, it's your birthday drinks." Ruzek protests quickly.

"Erin needs me." The words fall out quickly, only truth filling them.

They nod at me before I turn to rush out, their calls alerting me to my gift from Erin.

"Thanks." I throw over my shoulder before leaving, with one mission on my mind.

Erin POV

I slam the apartment door loudly, the sound breaking me briefly from my thoughts.

You shot an African American teenager, who, from the reports I've seen never actually fired his weapon,

Are you kidding me? Have you ever looked down the barrel of an automatic weapon?

I squeeze my eyes second-guessing every move, were shots necessary?

Sickness rises in my throat as I recall pulling his helmet off, the adolescent staring back at me, red blood leaking from the bullet wounds that would kill him.

Which one of you killed him?

You took him from me, you killed my child!

The mothers gut wrenching screams tear my heart apart; I slide down the bathroom wall, near the toilet if the sickness rises again.

The cool tiles pressed against my body calm me slightly; I slip my boots off, throwing them towards the bedroom before removing my shirt and leaving my singlet on.

I shimmy out of my jeans next, my warm legs jolting when they hit the tiles.

I run a hand through my hair, bowing my head as I try to gather the energy to shower.

Hoping to wash away the memories of today, knowing they won't ever really leave me.

The images of the fourteen-year-old boy taken from this world by my hand will haunt me until my last breath.

In the distance I recognize banging, I don't move a muscle choosing to stay wrapped in myself.

I'm trying to block out the pain without resorting to the methods of the past.

I can't be following that dark road again, not when Jay's finding his way back to me.

It's my turn to pull him from his dark hole, maybe in the process he can pull me back from my pit of darkness.

My mind is thrown back to the article he mentioned, unsure what Jay was asking, a little hurt and unsure.

I never said ideal.

"Erin?" I turn towards the doorway at the familiar voice.

"Jay?" My husky voice cracks, my own ears barely recognizing it.

It's at that moment I realize I've been crying.

"What are you doing here?" I whisper again, clearing my throat.

"You said you weren't alright, so of course I'm here. Where else would I be?" Jay's forehead is creased in a frown; worry lines etched into his face.

"You're birthday celebration."

"You're more important, always will be. This is where I belong, if I wasn't here comforting you when you need it… then I wouldn't enjoy my birthday anyway."

"Thank you." I don't deny I'm craving his comfort tonight.

"Thank you for telling me the truth, that you're not okay." My lips quiver, sobs begging to break through.

Jay approaches my slowly, sliding down beside me, our arms touching.

His eyes takes in my half naked state quickly, not saying a word. I notice his blue eyes are full of his own pain as he looks at me.

"I'm sorry." I whisper, not sure if it's directed at him or the mother who can't hear it. I'm so lost in my head, emotions running rampant that I don't notice his fingers brushing my cheek.

"It's okay."

"It's not, how can it be?" A sob finally breaks through.

"This isn't on you Erin. You didn't force them to rob the bank." I shrug softly, still consumed in shame.

"These bank robberies were killing people… you called out repeatedly Erin, I heard you. And then, when he had no way out… he panicked and raised his automatic weapon at you. You did what you had to do, but I know you. You would have hesitated briefly in the moment, wondering if it was right. It was. It was him or you. And god Erin, I need you to choose you every time. Got it?" I look over at Jay shocked.

"Got it. I need the same. You." My words aren't as eloquent as his, but he understands.

"We have to make tough decisions with our job, in a split second. He was armed, he'd committed a crime… he raised his gun. He knew what happens when you raise a gun to the police, it's a tragedy but it's not on you Erin."

"But how do I get past it?" I whisper brokenly.

"I don't know yet. I'm still working on it."

"What?" His whispered confession shocks me to my core, a chill erupting down my spine.

"Just don't push it down like I did. Talk to someone… to me." His gaze is hard as he relives a painful memory.

"Still working on it?" I whisper, feeling like I might catch a glimpse of his past.

The time with the rangers he never dares to speak of.

I crave his arms around me again, like at the bar. It took me a moment to react, wishing to stay strong and independent but melting as soon as his strong arms wrapped me in comfort.

It wasn't enough, my nose digging into his shirt and inhaling his scent, sending my pulse racing.

"Yeah, when I was…" Jay swallows loudly, his fingers tucking hair behind my ear.

Our heads are facing each other, leaning on the wall as he cups my other cheek and I close my eyes briefly.

I reach up to take his hand in mine softly; I entwine our fingers, encouraging him to continue.

"My Ranger unit breached a mud hut and there was a boy… maybe thirteen holding an automatic weapon. He had it up to defend himself, and his mother and sister behind him. But we reacted instantly, shot him before he could us. Umm." Jay stumbles over his words, tears slipping down his cheeks.

He turns to me, shame shining brightly and red-rimmed eyes.

His gaze is pleading with me, craving to hear the same words in return. It's easy to comply, never having believed them so fiercely.

"You did what you had to Jay. He had a gun; you protected yourself and your men. If you didn't, then it would have been you. And I never would have found you… I can't imagine a life with you not in it. Even now, you make my heart race when I see you, I get butterflies when you kiss me… and I get this ache in my chest when we're apart until I see you again." The love shining in his eyes takes my breath away.

I know it won't be so easy to move on, to accept and believe the words we've exchanged, but together nothing is impossible.

"I'm trying to work through it, it's just not that simple."

"I'm sensing that, I'll find out I guess." I whisper softly.

"Yeah, come on. Let's get you showered and in bed."

"Will you stay with me tonight?" My request is quiet, fearful of the rejection.

Knowing he doesn't want to live together right now, mind once again caught up in his 'not ideal' scenario.

"As long as you need me."

I'll always need you.

My eyes are open, the rise and fall of Jay's chest beneath my cheek calming me, but fear still keeping my eyes open.

"You should try and sleep."

"As soon as I close my eyes… all I see is…" Jay's lips find my forehead gently, his hand soothingly running through my hair.

"I'm right here."

"At the diner, what did you mean?" I ask the question that's been buried away all day; desperately need to know.

"That maybe even though we aren't living together right now, it doesn't mean we can't be together." Jay's tone is soft, my mind racing.

"So going backwards then? You asked me to move in together." Hurt grips my chest, pulled back to the last time we were in this room together.

"I know babe, I was ready. But then, I guess I was triggered. I couldn't pretend I was okay anymore. It wouldn't be good for us long term."

"I get it, I'm just confused about what you want… what you need." My fingers trace patterns on his chest.

"I need you. Always have, always will. That won't ever change." His tone is louder and fierce, leaving no room for argument.

"I'll always need you too, Jay."

"I needed time to deal with everything, I've been going to support groups. We've had some time… I'm still working on everything but it doesn't mean I don't love you, that I don't miss you." I nod softly against his body.

"Miss the sex maybe." My tone isn't exactly bitter, just torn with what to believe.

"No. Erin, that's not it. I mean yeah, I miss making love to you; it's always so intense between us. But I miss spending time with you, being with you." There isn't an ounce of distrust in his tone.

"We've been spending some time together, we haven't been awkward anymore." I offer gently, noting how far we've come.

"I know, I just… need more Erin. I'm not ready to move back in, it's too much too soon. But at support group they've been telling me I need to work back up."

"Like dating?" I ask after a moment's hesitation.

"Yeah."

"I guess it could be good for us, and if it's what you need…" His body relaxes further under mine; I tilt my head back to look into his eyes.

"Really? I want you happy Erin."

"You make me happy Jay. As much as I want you back home, in my bed every night… I'll give you this." My hand rests on the side of his neck, our lips attracted like magnets.

"You're amazing. You were right too."

"I'm always right… but what this time?" I chuckle softly, an eyebrow raised.

"You can handle it." Relief shines so bright in his eyes it almost blinds me.

"Does this mean you're gonna take me out on a date?" I raise an eyebrow waiting for his answer.

"Only if you let me kiss you now." His eyebrow raise mirrors my own.

"You better." We lean forward until our lips touch, smiling against each other's lips.

I finally allow my eyes to close, comforted by Jay's scent engulfing me.

His tongue pushes into my mouth and I sigh happily as his hand comes up to cradle my cheek.

My fingers gently brush against his arm before moving up to his face, enjoying his scruff rubbing against my lips as we kiss passionately.

"By the way." I pull back, whispering against his lips.

Blue eyes meet hazel as we smile softly at each other.

"I love you too." He smirks softly before kissing me again.

"Best birthday ever." I giggle into the kisses, swallowing his words as our tongues battle fiercely, hands seeking out the others warm body.

A/N: Review and let me know what you think :)

A little rushed, I apologise.