Meine Blende
(My Iris) by LTS

A songfic/multi-parter
angst, drama, yaoi, plot; au
warnings: PG-13 (so far)
spoilers: in the timeline, and asuka
note: this fic takes place during the series, after aya leaves weiss, except this time he not only leaves the team, but he moves out too. it may be AU, but it takes place after asuka (or neu) was killed by youji, as well. let's just say that aya's been on his own for several months now.

created: 5/13/01
updated: 4/18/02

Part One
__
Eine weitere Schwäche
(a further weakness)


Reaching for the soft leather sheath, he paused, that noise starting up behind him again. The noise that put him on edge. He swallowed hard, not being able to see more then three feet in front of him. Someone was out.

The apartment was small, tiny, rather. Only two rooms and it suited him fine. They all had their own ways, right? Youji and Omi and Ken could share the Koneko, and he could have his own place. They'd have more room, and he'd have more privacy. But ever since he had moved all his belongings, which wasn't much, into the apartment, he had been hearing noises.

/No, there's nothing there. It's all in my mind./ He breathed heavily, turning to set the katana back on the small bedside table. A sound crashed in the hall, and Aya's breath skyrocketed. /Jesus!/ He breathed in the darkness. Better yet, maybe he should carry the katana with him.

Over his shoulder, he positioned it and headed, fearlessly towards the door, his level of tolerance slipping. /Whatever it is out there, it is probably nothing more to get edgy about than the land lady./ Though Aya hated her. Right when he was about to reach for the door handle, another crash sounded, this time hitting the door frame, making it rattle and there was a heavy gasp outside. Aya stepped back from the door, pressing his heal hard into the floor.

No, ever since Aya had moved into this tiny apartment, he had become paranoid.

He shook the mental thoughts away and barred a mean look, reaching for the doorknob once again and yanking it open, before anything else could distract him.

Aya's voice startled him, dark and breaking.

A very shabby looking blonde stood in front of him, the black leather, smeared with the scent of rain and cigarette's.

I thought you'd still be up Aya... He blinked rapidly, staggering forward, his hand slipping on the door frame. Aya sported a glare.

Kudou... you're drunk. He was disgusted as Youji moved closer, falling into Aya's arms. Aya stepped back, letting Youji stumble into his room.

Ah, not drunk! Just a little... tipsy is all! Aya still glared at him, and stepped back into the darkness.

You gave up drinking. You told us all your promise.

Eh, well... he sputtered, his hair flying in all directions with his head movements. His hands flew to his knees and he bent over in a momentary coughing fit.

Should have known. You'd never stand up to hold something like that.

Youji looked cross, and he met Aya's dark eyes, pressing a cold and damp hand against his shoulder.

Now I didn't say that, did I?

Aya could smell the musty sour breath of alcohol. Youji was definitely a little bit more than drunk.

What happened? Aya said, stepping back so Youji lost his balance and was no longer touching the red head. But instead, Youji's feet failed him and he ended up crashing into Aya's arms. Aya's instant reaction reached forward and held Youji up.
You smell like death himself.

Youji chuckled, a muffled noise, that didn't sound familiar to Aya in the dark night, when there were no flower boys along to joke with him, at least, not anymore.

It's all my fault Aya, he said, that simple smile still pasted on his face.

/I'll never get out of here now.../

Youji, you need to lay down.

Youji shook his head in disapproval, but seeing bubbles and lights Aya had soon convinced him that his bed was the best thing. Youji sat up suddenly, clutching at his own shirt.

Aya stood at the edge of the bed for a moment, barely looking down at Youji, reading him, like a book a young child would take from his mother and hide under his bed and read under the covers when it was lights out.

You can stay here for the night, if you wish. I have my duties. I won't be back until morning...

Youji swallowed hard, his voice choked.

Aya... you don't have to give me your place... this was... all I could do. Dammit! I'm so weak... Aya stood silent.

All humans are weak, Kudou. We all have our faults.

K-Ken was asking about her again.

Aya locked his look on the emerald eyed man.

You know he won't forget her. And there's nothing you can do about it. It's in the past Youji. You shouldn't let it get to you...

You don't understand Aya.

Yes I do, he said in rebuke, sharply.

Youji sighed, his own arms cradling around his shoulders.

I just can't believe she'd dead, is all. I just can't believe... that Ken will find out one day... and hate me for it. He'll kill me. And if his look doesn't, I will.

Aya stood silent. That's foolish.

Youji grinned sadly up at Aya. You know I'm a fool, Aya. Yet you still say such a thing... I... just can't take the look in Ken's eyes. You know how I feel about him...

Aya was silent. He knew very well how the blonde felt. Every hour, upon hour that Youji had snuck up to his apartment to babble about the brunette and the silent filled comments that Aya gave in return. It wasn't that Aya was jealous. No, far from it. It was just that every time he heard Youji say those words. Say anything close to the three words he knew that Youji felt for Ken, he could feel his heart grow cold. Maybe it was that he was jealous. Just because, Youji was so close. He was so close to what he wanted. Even if Youji would never get a chance to tell the brunette, now that his girlfriend was dead. And it was all his fault.

Aya nodded.

You worry too much Kudou. You overreacted and got drunk off your ass. I answered your question. You can stay overnight. Aya turned his back to Youji, ready to leave, the door still wide open, letting in a small bit of light from the hallway.

Youji groaned, the alcohol blinding his sight. Aya, wait. Please. Please tell me you'll come back in the morning.

Aya didn't respond and started towards the door.

Youji pleaded out again.

Dammit Aya! We need to talk.

Aya's hand was on the doorknob, pulling it shut.

If you're sober when I return.

And then complete darkness shrouded the room.


Aya started down the hall on a very familiar bout. The hallway was dim and dirty, one of the only apartments Aya could find cheap enough to keep him and his sisters still going on now that he refused to take the checks assigned by Kritiker.

Youji had hated to think of it as quitting. But that's exactly what Aya had done. Left his assassin life, left Weiß, for good. And there was nothing anyone could do about it. But somehow, the coldest member of the team could not find it in himself to leave the flower business. So even after he relocated himself halfway across the city, he still managed to make the shop each morning at 6 o' clock ready with the same old flower arrangements.

And as far as the other remaining members knew, he was the same old Aya too. But they never did know much about him.

The dark car wouldn't start. The dead pan buzzing noise repetitively sounding each time his key was jammed into the ignition. /Dammit, I'll be late./ Now Aya realized just how easily Youji had gotten wet. The rain came down hard and as soon as he stepped out in its path, it started to soak through his hair, making it two shades darker. He'd have to walk this time.


The hospital halls were so pale, so sickly pale, and Aya felt nauseous each time he entered them. He drew himself down the long corridors until he reached his sister's silent room. The curtains were drawn, casting an amber light on her bed sheets, and across her arms and chest.

The familiarity was gone. When Aya stepped up to her side nothing seemed the same. Their closeness was lost. He had become rather used to it, especially in the last week or two. Even his talks with her were short and detached.

Hello Aya, his voice echoed silently within the hospital room walls.

He stood beside her, looking down at her, the soft charcoal trendles of hair curling under her chin.

It's been a while, Aya spoke, his voice so empty. I'm sorry, he continued. I should have been here sooner, but I got delayed. He lifted a hand to her cheek, but pulled it away just inches before actually touching her.

***********************************
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
***********************************

It's raining outside, don't you know? he seemed in a trance, as he traced his hand in the air down the surface of her body. It was beautiful really. You would have liked it. I saw your eyes in the moon. His fingers spread at her stomach, seeming to pause, press forward, but release again, just as he was about to touch her.

he paused, quieter, playing her name over his tongue. I wish we could have walked through the rain tonight, together. There was a hint of pain in his voice at the end of his words. But it quickly disappeared as he touched her hand, unclasped it, and looked at the golden earring, shining just like new, and then pressed her palm back together again. His hands moved to her chest, where a dead iris lay, its petals dried and crushed. He gathered the remains placing them inside his pocket.

Its nice being able to just walk, Aya. It's much quieter when I don't have to murder all night. Maybe its just safer, calmer for me when I don't have to be wary? he paused the tip of his sheath pressing gently into his back. I guess you're wondering why I still carry this around then, huh? the corner of his lip curled as he locked his violet gaze on her face.

No! I'm not paranoid. Of what? A city full of demons I'm sure I could defeat with my eyes closed? he paused, looking at her, trying to analyze her face. Yeah, perhaps I should let my guard down, just a little bit? There's nothing out to get me, but I just can't help feeling overprotective... As if he waited for an answer, Aya quietly stared at her lifeless body, the steady beeps from the heart monitor causing him to sway steadily in lulled tiredness.

he spoke softly, kneeling at her side. I only feel safe this close to you... I hope you feel the same... He pulled a slightly withered Iris from his front pocket, the rain having destroyed the petals. For you... his voice was so quiet one could barely hear it. He placed the iris against her chest, his lip trembling at the soft lowering and rising of her chest.

I don't want you leave you Aya. It's so different out there. I'm empty without you. But the world is cruel. It goes on without you. Which means it goes on without me. Because I live within you. I can't stop any of it. So the least I can do is give you a piece of me to hold close during the day... everyday... because you'll always be in a part of me... He looked away quickly, stepping from the bedside and towards the door.

Kaimin Aya-chan... he whispered, his knuckles white, clutched to his sides.*

******************************************
You're the closest thing to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
******************************************

/I won't look back, not today. What do I believe in? You're so far away, but I won't give up. Not ever. Even if you'll never return my words. What does it matter?/ The door swung shut behind him and the draft of the hospital corridors brushed through his hair once again. /Another night, my Iris, another moment longer for you./

*sweet dreams