Lavelan thought she had it all. She was the leader of the most powerful organization in Thedas, had three supercool girlfriends, and a badass mark on her hand. And of course their was Solas. Sweet Solas. Her lover. Her sweet egg. He had shown her so much, he loved her so much. And yet she felt something was missing.
One day while they were walking though the Dales, slaying monsters and investigating haunted houses and the like, she asked him a question. "Solas why haven't you given me a lemon yet?" He froze like a wolf caught in a trap. "My dear I don't know," he shrugged, trying to seem unfazed.
But Lavellan knew she had hit something deep. "Is it because you don't love me?", she pouted. "No no of course not. I love you with all my heart you know that dearest.", he clutched her hands, his face was that of a sad puppy. She was tempted to lay off. To just take his word for it and continue to go unsatisfied. NO! He inner voice said firmly. She knew she was onto something and she had a hunger, a yearning a passionate flame that could not be extinguished. And their was no Void that would prevent Inquisitor Valaya DragonFade Angel Mary Sue Unicorn Rainbowfart Lavelan from getting what she desired.
"The why don't you give me a Lemon? Is it because I'm not attractive enough?", she withdrew, clutching her hands to her not petite chest.
"No no your the most beautiful intelligent women I've ever known. Please don't torment me so", he fell to his knees in an act that the other two members of their party, Varic and the Iron Bull, found to be "melodramatic."
"What the hell is going on", said the Iron Bull, who was not unschooled in the ways of women, love or Elves, asked Varic, who was not exactly a novice ether. "How should I know", he shrugged.
Valaya DragonFade Angel Mary Sue Unicorn Rainbowfart Lavellan undid the knot that held her flowing red hair and let it cascade down her shoulders like a luscious waterfall. She sauntered towards Solas with swagger, making sure to swing her hips as she went. "Prove it. Give me a lemon. Right here right now. On the ground like we Dalish do it?", Solas saw insatiable desire in her wild eyes. He wanted to do it so badly. But he couldn't. What he had let himself was being drawn into was so cruel. So Romantic, but so cruel and sad. But this was one line he could not bring himself to cross.
Varic awkwardly turned his head away from the whole mess. Hawke had not been pleased that the Dwarf had found his sex life to be a relevant part of the report to Casandra on the destruction of the Chantry. He did not want to anger another friend, especially not one as…passionate as the Inquistor. He saw a fruited tree in the distance and understood what this was all about. Well I guess it's up to good ole Varic Tethras to save the day again, he thought as he sprang off.
"My lady please! People are watching!", sweat ran down his brow. Oh how he wanted this.
He had to remain strong. "Iron Bull doesn't care about modesty! Hell I could even invite him to join in. Would you like that Iron Bull?", she turned to him with a cat like grin.
Habit made him nod furiously. But then he remembered which pair of Elves he was dealing with. "No thanks mam", he mumbled awkwardly.
Solas seethed with jealously. If that animal could have her why couldn't he. He spoke firmly and resolutely, like the commander of an army. "All right if that's the way you want it. But first their's something you've got to know about me…", he was about to tell her the truth. When Varic placed a strange yellow fruit in his hand. He looked down in surprise.
"Oh Solas thank you!", she embraced him at speed, sending the both of them tumbling to the ground. She wretched the Lemon from his hands with the force of one who had singlehandedly healed the wounds of the sky. And tore into into the fruit like a ravenous wolf.
"Oh! OH SOLAS OH YES! YES! YES! (Random words in Elvish) I LOVE YOU!" She screamed and moaned in between bites.
"This is really fucking weird", said the Iron Bull. "You mean when you said you wanted a Lemon you meant you wanted this…" Solas could not believe what had happend. "Delicious fruit? Of course. What else did you think I wanted?", she asked innocently. Solas blushed and scratched behind his head. "Well you see in the fade", Varic kicked him. "Their are some secrets you'd be better off not knowing", said Varic.
He had been an author for far to long not to know what Lemon meant in certain demented circles.
Lavellan brushed herself off and sprang to her feet. Their was a certain glow about her. Probably just the barriers activating. "Well we best be off, so many rifts to close so little time.", she said with girlish cheer. Before they moved on she chastely pecked Solas on the cheek. The Elf had decidedly mixed feelings about how the whole thing turned out.
"Why the hell don't they just fuck already", Iron Bull said aloud. But nobody listened.