Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I don't own it.
88 rules for a peacefull Hogwarts experience.
1. Snape is not Count Dooku.
2. Voldemort is not Palpatine.
3. Harry is not Anakin and is not "going over to the dark side."
4. Magic is not "The Force."
5. I must stop making Star Wars references because only the muggleborns get them.
-No, this does not mean that I can introduce the rest of the school to Star Wars.
6. The Weasely twins are not "Clone A and Clone B."
- Neither are the Patil twins.
- Even if I can make an argument that identical twins are natural clones.
7. The Weasely twins proper names are Fred and George, not Gred and Forge and I shouldn't encourage them.
8. Telling first years the pumpkin juice is what happens when someone gets sick from to much pumpkin pie is wrong.
9. I'm not allowed to pay Seamus Finnegan to run through the Great Hall in a leprechaun outfit, holding a box a cereal, yelling "They're after me Lucky Charms!"
- Especially if I pay first years to chase him.
10. Anything Fred and George think is a good idea will probably result in detention.
11. Gryffindoors are not "The most likely to die tragic, messy deaths."
12. Hufflepuffs are not pushovers and therefore I should not push them in order to prove it.
13. Slytherins are not "The Future Death Eaters of Great Britain."
14. Ravenclaws are not too smart for their own good and I should not stop them from learning.
15. The Fat Lady is not Miss Piggy, Neville's toad, Trevor, is not Kermit the frog and it is wrong to try to set the two up on a date.
16. Madame Pomfrey is a nurse, not a drug dealer.
17. I may not raid the kitchens in preparation for the "Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse."
18. I mat not stockpile weapons under my bed in preparation for the "Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse."
19. I may not write up a Hogwarts Emergency plan for the "Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse."
20. I may not pass out pamphlets with details about the "Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse."
21. I may not tell people that Harry didn't survive the killing curse and is in fact a Zombie.
22. I can not make a list of those most likely to die first when the "Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse" strikes.
23. I can not make a list of those most likely to survive the "Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse."
24. There is no "Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse."
25. The Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy is not required reading for astronomy class.
26. No it should not be.
27. Centaurs are not from Mars.
28. Voldemort is not Orochimaru.
-Or Orochimort
- Or Voldemaru.
29. Lucius Malfoy is not Kabuto.
30. I can not give manga to the non-muggleborn students telling them to "Read it or die."
31. The following words are not to be spoken near Draco Malfoy: Pimp cane, pimp hat, pimp cape, hillbilly, hick, inbred and Mad-eye Moody.
32. The word hick is not to used near any pureblood student.
33. There is no gold under the womping willow and it is wrong to tell first years that there is.
34. It is wrong to give canary creams to Neville's toad, Mrs. Norris, Crookshanks, or any other animal.
35. Not allowed to insult Quiddicth near Oliver Wood, Cedric Diggory, or any member of a house team.
36. I am no allowed to question the headmaster's sanity near the press.
37. Not allowed to plan the DADA teacher's funereal before their death.
38. Not allowed to skip class in order to deliver the one ring to Mordor.
39. Not allowed to trade my soul in exchange for a free pass from detention with Snape.
40. Not allowed to trade other people's souls for a free pass from detention with Snape.
41. Despite my claims Snape is not a demon and therefore has no interest in souls.
42. The answer to all of life's mysteries is not 42.
43. The house elves do not steal my socks.
- nor anyone else's.
44. House elves are not "What happen to first years that don't obey the rules" and it is wrong to tell the first years this.
45. Not allowed to make jokes about house elves near Hermione.
46. Parakeets can not be used to deliver the post.
47. Trying to get the victims of canary creams to deliver letters is wrong.
48. Running down the hallway wearing only my underwear, polyjuiced to look like Harry, and covered in fake blood while screaming "Help me! Help me! I just escaped from Snape's dungeon!" is frowned upon.
49. When I stare at my hands and look like I'm thinking very hard about something, no one is to ask me what I'm thinking about.
50. Snape is not a vampire.
51. Cedric Diggory is not a vampire.
52. I am not allowed to use first years as taste testers just in case someone poisoned my food.
53. Just because his name is a letter off from Snipe, I am not allowed to send first years on a Snape Hunt.
54. Snipe hunts in the forbidden forest is stupid and dangerous.
55. Blaise Zambini is not from Zimbabwe and I cannot make up a song about him.
56. While I can eat blood pops if I want to, I may not offer them to Snape or Cedric,
- or anyone else, especially first years that don't know what they are.
57. I am not to forge letter to Mrs. Weasely telling her that Ginny in pregnant.
- nor am I allowed to send her a letter saying that one of the twins got someone pregnant, no one knows which one it was, so they're looking into a three way marriage.
58. I am not allowed to steal bookmarks from the Ravenclaws.
59. I may not get Ravenclaws to do things for me by threatening to burn down the library.
60. I may not make a list of thing to do to the Dursley's on Harry's behalf once I come of age.
61. I may not tell the Dursley's that Harry's Godfather is an escaped mass murderer that loves Harry very much, or that his Godfather's best friend is a werewolf.
62. I am not allowed to breed the giant squid with jellyfish in order to create a tentacruel.
- nor may I breed any magical creature with anything else in order to create Pokemon.
63. I may not collect hundreds of snails and force them to crawl though the school.
64. The Slytherin dorms are not "The Den of Evil."
65. I may not flood the Slytherin common room and fill it with Japanese carp just so I can call it "The Koi Pond."
66. Telling Professor Lupin to "Bite Me" is wrong.
67. Not allowed to stare at Neville from long periods of time, then ask incredulously "How did you become a Gryfinndoor?
68. Not allowed to announce when Harry enters the Great Hall.
69. Not allowed to enter the Ravenclaw common room, even if I can answer the portrait's question.
70. Not allowed to be a sports commentator for Ron and Hermione's arguments.
71. Harry doesn't need a theme song.
72. Madame Pomfrey does not have medical marijuana.
73. The theory of gravity cannot be disproved.
74. Not allowed to question Draco's gender in front of the press.
75. Crabbe and Goyle may be the results of inbreeding, but I am not to tell them this.
76. Not allowed draw Satanic symbols on the walls.
77. Divination does not require that I sacrifice a goat.
78. Not allowed to predict that Harry will defeat the dark lord, only to be killed by Neville's toad the next day.
79. Neville's toad is not the next dark lord and I am not one of his loyal "Fly Eaters."
79. Not allowed to unionize the Death Eaters.
80. Not allowed to unionize the house elves.
81. Not allowed to unionized the students.
82. Not allowed to unionize, ever.
83. Professor McGonagall does not want cat nip for Christmas.
84. Marijuana is not cat nip.
85. Not allowed to sell Harry's underwear.
86. Not allowed to trade first years to other schools.
87. Not allowed to trade teachers to other schools.
88. Not allowed to contact other schools.
Well, that's all. Tell me what you think.