Olivia couldn't say why but she felt like something was missing. She and Brian were going through the motions. Olivia enjoyed his company, when there was a time they could get together. He was there for her after Lewis and she felt like she owed him something. Brian did make her start to feel whole again but after she thought she was pregnant and she was overjoyed he wasn't it made her start to think.

She had wanted to be a mom as long as she could remember. When she started in SVU she put those hopes on hold. Now she realized that time was slipping away. A few years ago she tried to adopt but who was she kidding. She saw the denial letter and cried every evening for a week after that. Elliot had been kind to her during that time and told her to try again but she was afraid of denial once again.

She hadn't had time to discuss adopting a baby because as always she and Brian both were on a complete opposite schedule. She felt her heart hurt for the joys of a baby, but she also knew that it would mean the possibility of leaving the child an orphan for the 2nd time. She could see why she had been denied but it was as if everyone around her had children. Elliot with his beautiful children that he would do anything for. Her new partner Nick had wonderful little girl and all she wanted was a baby of her own.

Olivia felt even more pressure because she almost felt like she was a motherly figure now to all of the squad which made her feel older than what she was. She knew she shouldn't do this on her own but be damned this was grating on her so heavily so she decided she would call in a personal favor.

Olivia already had to drop off a few case notes to Raphael Barba. She had to admit he has been her favorite ADA since Alex. He was quick witty and he did a good job. He took everything to heart which was something he was still learning to get over. Olivia hated asking him a favor but, she knew he would help her. She didn't want to use him but Raphael had apologized several times for not getting Lewis the maximum sentence. Olivia was hoping as a friend he would help her out.

Olivia lightly tapped on his door.

Barba opened it smiling when he saw Olivia.

"Well Sgt. Benson herself, don't you have detectives for your dirty work?" He questioned.

Olivia laughed and pushed the folders into his chest. "actually this is more personal than business she whispered."

Raphael looked into her eyes he could read her and she was slightly hurt."

"That son of a bitch what did Cassidy do?" Barba ask as he slapped his hand on the desk.

His nostrils flared and he had a horrible grimace in his face. He felt protective of her.

"NO, Barba, this isn't exactly about him."

Raphael Barba knew he didn't read her wrong but was waiting for her to continue.

"Well I was sort of looking for some legal advice and I know it's not your forte but I was looking into adoption laws."

"Does Cassidy know?" Raphael ask.

"Not yet, it's sort of a sore subject right now." She said as she looked down at the desk her eyes filling with tears.

Barba took his hand lifted up her chin.

She looked at him and she felt like an idiot. She never cried not in front of anyone but here she was in front of Raphael Barba and he was treating her with such care.

"I'm sorry I just…" Olivia said standing up and getting ready to go.

"Hey, Olivia I know you're a sergeant now but you're still allowed to show some emotion." Barba said. "Just tell me what you need."

At this Olivia just sat on the floor and cried, Raphael sat down with her in front of the door and held her as she cried. She tried to calm down as Raphael was soothing her by touching her arm.

Olivia collected herself. "Thank you but that's not why I came here she said as she lightly laughed. Raphael smiled at her and as they still continue to sit in the floor Olivia told him everything.

Olivia went into details she wasn't sure why but she was so comfortable with Raphael maybe because they were friends but he had always been different with her. He has respected her admired her. He was close to her in age and he always commanded control, much like she did, he made her feel safe. When the case was tried he helped her. They went through the details he was the only one who knew all the details, and he would be the only one who ever knew except for William Lewis himself.

She started telling him the story. "After the trial for weeks I couldn't sleep and there Brian was with open arms comforting me, when he was home. There were so many nights though that he wasn't there and I just couldn't sleep. I was so afraid that something would happen. Finally Brian realized and made sure he was home every night and things got pretty normal. I guess both of us just wanted to go back to normal so I would go to work he would go to work, someone would order take out then we would go to bed. It took about 3 months before I would really let him touch me again. He was so gentle at first and he never did anything at all wrong but I wasn't ready and I said nothing, I just had sex and I couldn't feel a thing." Olivia took a breath and forgot who she was talking to for a moment when she looked in Raphael's eyes they were pleading for her to continue.

"I was just hoping maybe one day things would be normal, but then shortly after we started getting back to normal I felt so tired and sick to my stomach. I thought I was pregnant. I was so happy, I have wanted a baby since…. Since I saw how my old partner Elliot was with his kids. When I realized I could be a cop and a mom. I never had a relationship long enough to think of having a baby. A few years ago I applied to be an adoptive parent but with no strong family support and my hectic schedule they denied me. When I thought I was pregnant I just had this whole new life planned out. With Brian being a proud daddy and I could be home at night being Sergeant now. I was so excited I ran down to the drug store before work and grabbed a pregnancy test. I was so unsure how Brian would feel so I took it at the precinct. It was negative. I went home and told Brian he was relieved. I understood how he could feel that way, were getting to old for that, for babies but the more I thought the more upset I became. It's what I've longed for, for so long. Then we had that case with 3 children that literally no one could account for including a little baby. A tiny perfect baby. Then I had to go to the family court and say how nobody wanted him, as well as those 2 broken little girls and I just I want to be mom Raphael." She said the last part whispering. Then barley audibly she said "Cassidy doesn't want this."

Raphael let her story sink in. She had through so much and he knew for sure he could never be as strong as her. There was no way he could deal with that. For the most part Raphael had what he wanted except a beautiful women and family, but this job really didn't allow time for things like that.

"You just told me not 5 minutes ago he didn't know you were doing this, maybe he wants to be a dad just as much as you want to be a mom." Raphael said trying to get her to think in that way.

"No, we haven't talked about it, but the reason why is because he's already made it clear that babies weren't his thing."

"Liv are you sure you're ready to leave him behind?" Raphael ask.

"No." Olivia quietly said.