30 days fighting
October 1st
"It's the perfect bluff!"
Sirius strode through the room excitedly, gesturing wild and Peter watched him and the only thing he can think is: No. Don't say it. Don't suggest it, forget that idea.
He very nearly thought, that stupid idea, but it is Sirius' idea after all, he can't say it, can't think it.
"Everybody will expect me to be the secret keeper, I'll have to hide anyway. Who would even dream about Peter beeing secret keeper?"
It hurts, even though he is used to it, because he is used to it, because it is true that nobody will see him next to Sirius and James and Remus, that nobody expects him to be somebody, do something, that people ask why he is even part of the group.
Sometimes, in the dark of night when sleep evades him, he asks the same question. But then he'll hastily shake that thought and gulps down some dreamless sleep potion, because he is a coward and somehow knows he won't like the answer.
"That's brilliant padfoot!"
No it is not, Peter thinks, but he keeps his mouth shut, because it's Sirius and James and he wants to be a part of it oh so badly.
October 2nd
"So Pete, slept over it?" James asks casually, because nobody doubts that Peter will do as they have planned.
Just like he always did.
"I- I…" he stutters and now they all look at him and he swallows, swallows what he really thinks and answers as they expect:
"Yes… I will as you said… If you really think it's the best option…?"
The last bit is almost a question, shows almost doubt.
But Sirius laughs and James claps him jovially on the shoulder.
October 3rd
Today all of them sit together and plan just like old times, but James and Sirius are more grave and Remus is missing, because no one can know, no one can know that Sirius and he will swap and because they treat dark glances whenever Remus name is mentioned, Lily sits in his place, equally bright and sensible and with baby Harry in her arms…
And just like in old times Peter sits halfway outside, worrying, scared.
Even though they repeatedly tell him that it's Lily and James who are hunted and Sirius whom everybody will think is the secret keeper, Peter can't help it, can't calm down, he trembles and sweats and bites his lip till he tastes blood.
Peter is terrified.
October 4th
He tosses and turns in his bed, it's hot, way too hot for October and he sweats, because of the heat, because of fear and because tomorrow is the day.
October 5th
The Fidelius charm is difficult and exhausting and Peter pants and sweats and knows, again, that he couldn't have done this without the help of Sirius and James.
He swallows bitter bile and then it's over and he has to tell Sirius where James and Lily and Harry are and they chat happy, strolling inside and Peter trails after them, tired.
October 6th
The 6th of October is a great day for Peter, because Lily told him today, that they count on him, trust him with their lifes and the life of their son.
Today Peter beams, he walks proud and with his head held high, till he meets Sirius and James in the evening and they are a bit tipsy, okay very tipsy, drunk and start joking about you-know-who and then about him too, while Peter shrinks in his chair, still clinging to his first butterbeer.
October 7th
Peter lies awake again, but this time it's neither the heat, nor the fear, well it's fear to, but that's normal in this times, isn't it and this time it's mostly something Sirius of all people said.
That they all would rather die, then betray a friend.
And Peter is ashamed, because he isn't sure if he is able to do it, to die, die in agony if it comes to it, but worse, what Sirius said after that, more quit, that the day could come soon in this times, any moment.
Instead of brooding for the rest of the night Peter swallows a potion again and pulls the blanket over his head and he will not think about how it won't help to run away from his problems, even though Peter is fast, very fast.
October 8th
Peter doesn't want to die.
It's nothing new, but the thought was seldom as present as it is this days.
Everything Peter wants is a comfortable, quiet, fearless, painless life.
His friends, a bit appreciation.
Maybe a small house, a good job and while he is still dreaming, a girlfriend.
But above all other Peter doesn't want to die.
October 9th
He read the daily prophet today, first time for quite a while.
Not a good idea.
Peter is still trembling.
So much death, so little success for the ministry and the order…
October 10th
Another thought he can't get out of his head: How on earth should it be possible for them to defeat He-who-must-not-be-named?
October 11th
Peter is fighting.
Against the fear and the thoughts he can't seem to get rid of, not with alcohol, not with the dreamless sleep potion he is addicted to long since, but he will bother with that later, not now when he needs them so desperately.
October 12th
What if it is inevitable, what if all they do is fighting against windmills, hopeless?
Wouldn't it be better to end it fast, painless, so fewer people would die?
So Peter wouldn't die.
October 13th
Peter visits James and Lily and the child, Harry, and he sees their laughter and he thinks, no. They are his friends, he can't betray them, it isn't, as if he was in any danger yet anyway.
Or is he?
The thoughts are taunting him again, tormenting him, because of that he is mentally absent and when Lily tries to question him about it, he swiftly disappears.
They won't notice anyway.
October 14th
Peter has to go shopping and soon, but he doesn't dare to leave his house and his wards and he still has enough to eat, especially since he discovered that the fear and the thoughts don't hunt him as much, if he transforms, life as a rat is easier and the food lasts longer.
October 15th
Order meeting.
Peter looks around, sees the fear in the eyes of his comrades, can taste it in the air. They are few now, weren't much to begin with, but now, that so many have already died…
While the ranks of the death eaters grow with each day.
How could they win like that?
They need a miracle, but Peter lost faith in that a long time ago.
October 16th
He spends more and more time as a rat now, because he feels like he can think more clearly in this form.
October 17th
Isn't it better if few die instead of many?
Isn't it hopeless to fight against He-who-must-not-be-named?
Peter doesn't know what to think anymore, he just knows that he is afraid and he doesn't want to die.
October 18th
The food is all gone.
Now Peter has to do it, has to leave his house, well his hovel and his wards behind to get supplies.
He goes hesitantly, scurries in his rat form from shadow to shadow, goes back as soon as he can.
October 19th
He has to leave to house again, because the order called. Besides he is short on dreamless sleep potion and in his hurry yesterday he forgot to stop at the apothecary.
On his way back he was able to eavesdrop on some death eaters, they sound hopeful, confident of victory.
So very different that the order members and if Peter were to compare the two groups, he'd know where it would be more pleasant, safer and he knows…
No.
Peter doesn't know anymore.
Just one tiny thing he found out today, where he has to go, if he'd want to meet some high ranking death eaters. Not that Peter would ever want that.
October 20th
Sleep evades him again and Peter tosses and turns.
The information he got yesterday could be very valuable for the order, but isn't this fight long lost anyway?
And if he'd pass on these information, there won't be a chance for him, if he…
Hastily Peter gulps down his potion, even though he promised himself he'd sleep without it today, but he has to numb the thoughts.
October 21st
Before Peter knows it he stands in front of a grand, magnificent estate, on for paws again and his pale eyes slide hungrily over the Rosier's home.
He cowers in the shadow of some indefinable weed and his legs just won't move.
Somehow Peter knows this is it, either he goes back to his old life and tells the order everything or he goes forward, a new life as a traitor and death eater.
But he is a coward, he can't decide can't really do either.
No yet.
It's not until it starts raining at dawn, cold and wet and windy, that he goes back to his hideout, his house that is not that much more comfortable now in October.
October 22nd
He hides under the weed again.
But this time he stands up.
Turns human.
And slowly, very slowly he approaches the front doors of Rosier estate.
Hands empty, prostrated, palms up.
Shaking Peter crosses the threshold.
No more turning back now.
The death eaters greet him with shouting, masked men running around, wands ready, pointing at him threatening, but at least nobody cursed him yet.
Peter trembles, shakes, stutters, but regardless, he delivers his message.
October 23rd
His bed at the Rosier's house is soft and it's warm here too, but regardless Peter can't sleep better here, on the contrary.
Bellatrix Lestrange came, Sirius mad cousin of all people and ordered that Peter had to stay, till the Dark Lord arrives and judges him.
Peter shakes violently at that thought, wipes the sweat from his forehead and wishes, he could get rid of all the fears just as easily, but he isn't strong enough and he don't has his potions with him and they took his wand.
As if he was a danger with it.
October 24th
Today Peter stands before the Dark Lord himself and all he wants is a hole to hide in, to cower and flee.
He squeaks as the Lord points his wand at him, a pathetic sound, and only the death eater's curses hold him here. Or is it his fear, that petrify his legs?
"Legilimens", the Dark Lord hisses and then Peter feels something, someone digging through his brain, agonizing, till his nose begins bleeding and he thinks he will just faint.
And then suddenly it's over.
He is alone again.
The Lord laughs, laughs out loud, a shrill sound that twist his face in a grotesque grimace and sends chills down Peters back.
How can laughter sound so wrong?
"Look what the snake dragged in…"
His Lord still sounds amused and Peter prays to all gods, that this is a good sign.
"Lord Voldemort sees your wishes, sees your longing rat. You beg for safty and protection and for theappreciation your so called friends always denied you…
Lord Voldemort is merciful.
You will be useful for our course."
October 25th
The Dark Lord had send Peter back, shortly after he burnt the Dark Mark in his left arm. His orders are to wait inconspicuously, to collect information and to meet a fellow death eater in two days for his first report.
October 26th
Inconspicuous is easy, when nobody looks at you anyway, Peter thinks and grabs the firewhiskey.
October 27th
Today Peter meets Avery who doesn't seem happy to have to waste his time with him, but his face becomes more and more friendly, the more Peter tells him, the more secrets he divulges, the more plans he recounts, the more friends he betrays.
In the end, Avery claps him on the shoulder approvingly.
Peter sneaks home in an oddly good mood, despite rejecting the light absolutely today.
October 28th
He visits James and Lily today and he feels he just doesn't know anymore, why he should sit here.
Sirius is there to and invites himself over to Peters for Halloween and Peter nods and agrees, because it's Sirius, he never speaks back at him and he doesn't want them to be angry or wary.
Peter doesn't feel comfortable, he leaves soon and somehow it feels like farewell.
October 29th
A bit drunk after a death eater party – he could never hold his liquor – Peter drags himself to bed.
His Lord praised him, it was his information, that lead them to the Bones family…
And then Avery pulled him along, before he could think about how it was his fault, his information, about what he did, that he sentenced a family that put their trust in him – well, the order – to death, about…
The rest of the evening blurred in alcohol.
But while he lies in his bed and the room rotates around him, Peter thinks back at the Dark Lords words.
"A good beginning", he said.
And that the Potters had to die too.
October 30th
It's afternoon and Peter pulls himself out of his warm, comfy bed, but his Lord calls, so Peter follows.
Another death eater meeting and Peter squirms, he fights.
30 day Peter had fought, but now, when the Dark Lords eyes are upon him, he blurts out: "I am the secret keeper!"
He surrenders.
The death eaters trade clueless looks and Bellatrix laughs her childish laugh, that still sends chills down Peters back, despite being on the same side now and what is it with these people and their wrong laughs, but the Dark Lord silences them all with a small gesture.
"Then tell us, rat, where do the Potters hide?"
"Godrics Hollow."
October 31st
It's Halloween and Peter is captivated in a whirlwind of emotions.
There are grief and loss, anger and self-hating too, but small, insignificant, hidden in the deepest depths of his mind.
Euphoria outweights.
Peter just betrayed his best friends, but he can't help but laugh out loud, because he feels free, free like he never felt before.
Peter Pettigrew, traitor.
It's the same night and Peter runs for his life.
His thoughts race and he shakes in fear, can almost feel Sirius breath down his neck, can almost feel those burning eyes on the back of his skull.
Fear.
And somehow he can't help but feel betrayed himself. Because the miracle came and the Dark Lord is defeated, but too late of course, too late for Peter.