Title: Now or Never
Author: dagnabit87
Show: Rookie Blue
Pairing: Gaily/Holly
Rating: Pg-13/T
Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue or any or the Characters. They of course belong to the creators. I am using said characters to create my own little spin on the Rookie Blue world.
A/N: Hi everyone. This is my first foray into the world of fanfiction writing ever! I'm a little nervous. This first chapter is unbeta'd. If anyone is interested in beta'ing for me feel free to send me a PM
Now or Never
Chapter One
Gail rolled her eyes at the vomit inducing display taking place in front of her. Her gag reflex is being seriously tested. She can hear the rumblings of conversations going on around her but she isn't engaging in them. How can she when she has to watch this disgusting display?
Gail swallows down the bile building In the back of her throat as she watches her arm slither around the back of Holly's shoulders possessively, pulling her close. Gail's gaze flits way from them quickly but not as quickly as she'd hoped as she catches sight of the smug grin being aimed at her from across the table.
Not one to be beaten Gail glares back with her gaze steely and determined, her eyes boring into the grey ones that stare back. The blonde's stomach lurches as pale lips press against Holly's temple causing the brunette to turn from her conversation briefly and smile sweetly at her.
Joanne.
Gail hates her. Hates her with every fibre of her being. She hates her stupid fake smile. She hates the fact that she's so tall and therefore towers over the blonde making her feel inferior. She hates that Joanne only ever talks about herself. She hates that Joanne never asks Holly about her day. She hates that Joanne never takes Holly on dates. The brunette had mentioned it once in passing to Gail but tried to brush it off as no big deal when she saw the look of shock on the blonde's face but Gail knows that it is a big deal. Holly is an incredible women, she deserves to be wined and dined. Holly deserves to be with someone that will spend hours getting ready before a date with her, a date that had been planned down to the finest detail ensuring that the brunette has the time of her life.
Holly deserves the best and Joanne, Joanne isn't the best and Gail hates her for that.
Gail hates that Joanne is the one that gets to take Holly out on dates, at least she should be but clearly she can't be bothered, she always has more important things to do. Nothing is more important than Holly. She hates that Joanne is the one that gets to watch the stupid reality shows that Holly secretly loves whilst cuddled up on the coach sharing a bottle of the brunette's favourite red. She hates that Joanne is the one that gets to watch Holly be Holly, be her wonderfully nerdy self. She hates that Joanne is the one that gets to do all of those things but chooses not to. Joanne takes Holly for granted and the brunette can't see it. Or won't see it.
Joanne gets to go to sleep next to Holly each night and even better than that, she gets to wake up with her each morning and witness the delicate furrow between perfect eyebrows as Holly wakes from peaceful sleep.
Gail hates that Joanne gets to be with Holly. She hates that Joanne gets to be with Holly and she doesn't. But most of all she hates that it's all her fault. Gail let Holly slip through her fingers and she will never forgive herself for that.
Gail had her chance and she blew it. Ten months ago she kissed Holly in a darkened interrogation room but instead of being honest about her feelings, instead of throwing caution to the wind and telling Holly how much she cared for her, how much she adored the way the brunette made her feel, like her whole body was alive, a raging ball of fire ignited by the simplest touch from Holly, Gail did what she always does. Gail panicked. The barriers came up and she brushed their kiss off as nothing more than a moment of madness. Her emotions were all over the place with the shooting and Oliver being abducted and Gail just needed to feel something, blow off some steam, so that's all it was, Gail releasing some pent up energy. At least that's what she told Holly. She'd convinced the pathologist that it had meant nothing and Holly being the wonderful person that she is just took it on the chin and accepted the blonde's excuses not wanting to push her new friend away.
Now it's ten long months later and Gail has never regretted anything more in her life and there's nothing she can do about it.
Holly's happy with Joanne even though Gail firmly believes that the brunette could do so much better. Gail doesn't want to be selfish, she doesn't want to break up Holly's happiness by saying anything about her feelings. The brunette has no idea that Gail feels so strongly for her. She has no idea that Gail's fingers physically itch to touch her whenever they're in the same room, she misses the way Gail's breath catches in her throat whenever the brunette smiles. Gail's glad that Holly doesn't notice it, she doesn't want Holly to see how pathetic she is, how desperately Gail wants to be with the brunette. They have the perfect friendship now, their best friends, Gail can't lose that.
Gail knows that other people don't miss it.
Even now Gail can feel Traci's gaze burning a hole in the side of her face. She casts a cursory glance in Traci's direction shrugging her shoulders very slightly as the detective squeezes her forearm gently in a show of support. Traci is the only person that Gail has confided in about her feelings for Holly. She is so grateful for Traci's support, convinced that if she didn't have someone to unload to then the feelings stirring within her would become all consuming. Of course, Gail is fairly certain that Steve has an inkling about her unrequited love, as does Dov. They are both constantly talking to her cryptically, 'it's better to have loved and lost Gail than never to have loved at all,' 'you've got to fight for what you want,' 'all you need is love,' are just a few of the ridiculous clichés that they both like to randomly drop into conversations with her whenever Holly's name is mentioned.
Sharing one last look with Traci, taking comfort in the warmth reflected back at her, Gail looks longingly back across the table. So lost in her own thoughts Gail hasn't realised that the lights in The Penny had been dimmed as late afternoon grows into evening. As her gaze lands on Holly it hits her again just like it does every time she catches sight of the brunette, straight to the heart like a freight train, Holly is the single most beautiful women on the planet. The brunette throws her head back laughing at something that Dov has said as he gesticulates wildly with his hands the buzz from the alcohol setting in and as the brunette's laugh tumbles effortlessly into a soft giggle Gail grips her knees tightly having to fight the urge to launch herself across the table and press her lips against Holly's.
'You okay Peck?' The hairs on the back of Gail's neck stand on end, her Holly induced high immediately disappearing to be replaced with feelings of rage and as much as she tries to compress the feelings, jealousy. 'You're looking a little flustered.' Blue eyes bore into grey and Gail can't prevent the sneer that appears across her face.
'I'm fine,' Gail retorts, 'but thanks for your concern.' Joanne's eyes sparkle with mischief and Gail berates herself for biting.
Joanne tightens her arm around Holly's shoulders. 'Nah. You definitely look flustered. Doesn't she look flustered Hols?' The brunette looks nervously between Joanne and Gail feeling the tension simmering between them. The blonde watches her mouth open and close like a goldfish unsure of what's best to say. 'Come on Peck, we're all friends here.' Joanne smirks bringing her arms to rest on the table leaning forward challenging the blonde. Holly shifts uncomfortably in her seat, she recognises the twitch in Gail's eyebrow, a sure fire sign that the blonde is irritated. From the moment they were introduced Gail and Joanne had taken an instant dislike to one another and no matter how much Holly tries to bridge the gap between them she always falls short.
Gail readies herself to snap back but the sound of Holly's sweet, dulcet tone stops her in her tracks, 'Leave it Joanne.' Joanne flicks her jet black hair over her shoulder and flops back in her chair with a huff casting a look of contempt at Holly making Gail's blood boil.
Gail smiles softly at Holly hoping to convey her appreciation as she pushes herself up from her chair, 'I'm out.' The blonde looks around at the rest of the table's occupants as she throws back her last mouthful of jack and coke, 'see you losers later.' Slamming the glass back down on the table she grabs her leather jacket off the back of the chair. Holly looks like she is about to say something but Joanne squeezes her hand tightly between her own and the brunette shrinks back into her seat. Casting one last look in Traci's direction, taking great pleasure in the filthy look that her friend is throwing in Joanne's direction, Gail turns on her heal and strides away through the gradually increasing crowd congregating in The Penny.
Gail breathes in deeply as the fresh air hits her closing her eyes for a moment as she takes a deep, calming breath. Flicking her collar up to block out the gentle Autumn breeze Gail turns to make her way back home.
'Gail!' The blonde had barely taken two steps when a familiar voice rings in her ears. 'Gail, just wait a minute.' Keeping her back turned for a couple of moments Gail closes her eyes and takes a deep breath to calm her rapidly beating heart and then turns to meet a pair of warm chocolate eyes.
'Holly,' Gail loves the way the brunette's name sounds on her tongue, 'you should go back inside, it's getting cold out.'
'I think I can take it, a tough chick like me.' Holly jokes as she takes a step closer to Gail, the cheeky grin on her face quickly falling away when the blonde doesn't even crack a smile, not even a hint of one. 'What's going on? You high tailed it out of there pretty quickly.' Holly gestures over her shoulder towards The Penny.
'Just tired.' Gail hates lying to Holly but she knows that if she tells her the truth it could cause all kinds of mess and she's terrified that it would cause a rift between her and Holly.
Holly takes a step forward until only a couple of feet separate them and Gail feels her skin tingling in response. 'Talk to me.' She whispers placing what she thinks is a comforting hand on the blonde's arm but it doesn't comfort Gail, in fact, it just makes her feel ten times worse. The blonde takes a step back putting some space between them, she can't think clearly when Holly's touching her, when their standing so close that she can feel the heat radiating off the brunette. 'Talk to me Gail, something's going on with you lately, you're quiet, distant.' Holly dips her head trying to catch Gail's downturned gaze as she take a tentative step forwards only for Gail to mirror her actions and take another step back. 'Gail please…'
Gail finally looks up as Holly pleads with her and she can't mistake the look of worry etched across the brunette's face, 'Holly I…' She trails off. Gail feels tears stinging her eyes, she hears the blood pumping in her ears and as Holly steps forwards placing both hands on the blonde's upper arms she can't bring herself to pull away. Her defences are crumbling, the walls that she has spent the last ten months carefully constructing to keep her feelings for Holly locked away are starting to give way.
'Gail…' Holly breathes, her own eyes beginning to glisten at having to witness Gail wrestle with whatever is going on inside her head.
'Holly, I need to tell you something.' Gail tries to steady her voice but her words keep catching in the back of her throat.
'You're shaking.' Holly wraps her arms around the blonde and it's only then that Gail notices the tremble in her hands. For a moment Gail allows herself to succumb to her feelings. Leaning into the crook of Holly's neck Gail breathes in deeply, the sweet scent of Holly invades her senses and for a second Gail feels her heart dancing in her chest.
Pulling back Gail wipes at her nose with the sleeve of her jacket, 'Holly I need you to know, I've tried not to say anything I really have but…I need to tell you.' Gail reaches out and takes Holly's hand holding it between her own and a glimmer of something flashes across the brunette's eyes but Gail can't pinpoint exactly what it is. Hope. Maybe. Or maybe that's just what Gail wants to see. Taking a deep and steadying breath Gail starts to speak, 'Holly, you're my best friend, you're like my favourite person in the whole world. Just don't tell Steve.' Holly chuckles lightly at Gail's words and the blonde feels her confidence grow. Maybe this is going to go exactly as she wants it to. Gail allows her eyes to trail over every inch of Holly's face. She's about to let it all out, tell Holly how she really feels and she wants to remember every single moment. Gail notices the way Holly has begun to bounce on the balls of her feet, a habit the usually calm and collected pathologist only every exhibits on those very rare occasions when she is feeling anxious.
'Just tell me Gail,' Holly blurts out her gaze boring into the blonde's eyes as she presses forwards even further, they are but a whisker away from one another their bodies brushing ever so delicately against one each other as they breathe deeply.
This is it, this is the moment when everything changes, 'Holly you're great, amazing actually and I need you to know that I want to be with-'
'Hols come back inside it's cold out here.' That voice cuts through Gail like a knife. The blonde sees Joanne appear over Holly's shoulder and she pulls her hand out of the brunette's grasp. The moment is gone. 'Holly?' Joanne enquires and Gail doesn't miss the slight edge to her tone and it immediately causes her hackles to raise.
Gail looks back at Holly who has yet to turn round and acknowledge her girlfriend. Girlfriend. Gail's blood runs cold. Holly has a girlfriend, what the hell is she thinking? Gail continues to look into Holly's eyes, the brunette's gaze trained on her almost pleadingly. This is too much for Gail. It's too intense. She forces herself to look away and does the thing she's always been good at, giving in and running away. 'Joanne's right,' the other women's name sounds bitter on Gail's tongue, 'you should head back inside.' The blonde is almost convinced that she witnesses the brunette physically deflate, like the wind has been knocked out of her but she quickly shakes those thoughts from her mind. Holly has a well off, successful girlfriend, a lawyer. Gail can't compete with that.
'Peck's right.' Joanne state. Holly still hasn't uttered a word her eyes still firmly planted on Gail as is she's searching for something. Anything.
'You had something to tell me. Gail, you're my best friend, you can talk to me.' Holly says as if talking to a startled child her tone carrying a hint of desperation.
'It can wait.' Gail shrugs as Joanne looks back and forth between them, 'no big deal.'
'Right.' Holly shrugs, mirroring Gail's actions, 'no big deal.' The brunette's gaze hardens, it's no longer radiating warmth instead it's as if she's looking right through Gail. 'This is your last change Gail, do you have something to tell me or not. Don't push me away.' Gail stands there like a mute, hating the turn for the worse that this conversation has taken and the fact that it's happening in front of Joanne. Holly sighs heavily in frustration and rolls her eyes 'See you round, Peck.' The slight waver in the brunette's voice catches Gail off guard of course Joanne doesn't pick up on it, she's too busy smirking at the blonde enjoying the look of frustration and irritation on Holly's face and the fact that it's aimed at Gail. But that isn't what breaks the blonde.
Holly called her 'Peck' it's should be Gail, Holly always calls her Gail. The blonde feels her heart crack, she's fucked up. She never should have said anything. She should have kept her big mouth shut but now instead Holly's pissed at her. She should have held everything inside and been the Gail that Holly knows, snarky, fun, her friend. The Gail that Holly needs. Not the Gail she is becoming, miserable, mopey…distant.
Gail can't bring herself to turn away. All she can do is watch helplessly as Holly turns away from her and walks swiftly back towards The Penny. Joanne watches her girlfriend's retreating form until Holly enters the bar the door swinging shut behind her. A few moments pass by and Joanne turns back to face Gail, her eyes raking over the blonde's lithe form making Gail's skin crawl. 'You know you're wasting your time, right?' Joanne sneers, 'You had your chance with Holly.' Gail's eyes squint at the lawyer, Holly told her about the kiss. 'She's mine now.'
'Oh really?' Gail stands up straighter in an attempt to make herself as imposing as possible, something her mother always taught her to do from a young age to make her look more threatening to criminals.
'Really.' Joanne sniggers to herself as she kicks casually at a discarded bottle cap on the pavement, 'Holly's out of your league Peck.' She emphasises the 'Peck' for good measure. 'Me and Holly, we aren't like you.'
'Like me?' Gail asks trying to keep her breathing under control.
'We're ambitious, high achievers and you're just…not. Maybe you need to go after someone more on your own level. I know you think you love her,' Gail feels her heart stop, 'and maybe you do, but you won't ever be enough for her. If I was you,' Joanne shakes her head, 'I'd walk away now before you embarrass yourself.' With that she walks away from the blonde.
Once the door has slammed shut leaving Gail alone on the side walk a violent sob forces itself out from her deepest depths. The blonde clamps a hand over her mouth trying to hold the sobs that are threatening to rack her body at bay. Leaning forward Gail grips her thighs so tightly her knuckles turn white, breathing deeply as tears cloud her vision.
Not good enough.
Joanne knows exactly what to say to cause maximum impact. Gail has never felt good enough for Holly and to hear yet another person telling her that she isn't good enough cuts her to the core. She's spent her whole life being told she isn't good enough. Being told she's not good enough at school, not good enough at sport, not good enough to make the detective rotation, not good enough for her mother they all hurt but not being good enough for Holly that's the one that breaks her.
Gail is in such a state of distress that she isn't aware of anything else going on around her until she feels a tentative hand rest on her shoulder.
'Gail.' Lifting her head the blonde can just about make out her brother's concerned expression through her tears, 'Holly?' He asks wrapping his arm around his sister's waist allowing her to rest against him for support.
'Holly.' Gail confirms and wipes the sleeve of her jacket against her nose. 'Take me home Steve. I can't be here.'
Pulling the blonde against his side Steve turns and leads Gail along the street towards her apartment, 'I've got you Gaily.'
'I can't do this anymore, Steve. Holly, she's…I….I can't….' She can barely speak as the tears cascade down her cheeks.
'I know,' Steve rests his chin against his sister's head as she leans into his chest her hand gripping his shirt tightly, 'I know.'
Reviews will be greatly appreciated so that I know if it's worth continuing. I hope you've enjoyed it!