Your Selfish Lover
"My heart carries too much weight." – Andrea Gibson
You look down at the envelope in disbelief. The handwriting doesn't lie, and the return address is a dead giveaway. "Oh Merlin, she wrote me back," you whisper. "She actually wrote me back."
June 10th
Dear Molly,
Thanks for your letter. You caught me just as I was on my way to work—good thing I wasn't there! Can you imagine what they'd think of an owl? How are you? How's Lorcan?
Things are boring here. I've just gotten my third role in three months, but it's nothing big. Just the friend of the lead. Just Us Lovers is still the biggest role I've ever had—is that bad? I think it is. I dumped Edward the other week, just to let you know. Mum liked him, but he was a bit too…good for me. And not because he was too good for me, you know? He was just…too nice. Too perfect. A bit like you.
Write soon, it's dreadfully boring in between scenes.
Rox
June 10th
Dear Roxanne,
It's so nice to hear from you. You've got no idea how much we've all missed hearing from you. I feel like it's been years! Technically, it's only been one and a half, but still. Did you get my earlier letters? I've been writing you every few months or so. Lorcan and I broke up about two months ago now. He said it was because we were 'different people.' I guess he reminded me a bit of you. Irrational in the best way, always wanting to go see the world and do more. I want kids and a house with a fence where we can degnome the garden on Saturdays. Is that so terrible?
You starred in Lovers! We all went to see it. Victoire and Dominique and James and I had to corral all the little ones to go see cousin Roxy in the big Muggle theater. It was quite the spectacle, you should've seen us. We had so much fun, dear, it was excellent. You were the shining star, of course.
That's too bad about Edward. Sounds like we've both got a little bad luck. Felix Felicis, anyone?
Love,
Molly
June 17th
Molly,
So sorry I haven't written; things actually got busy for once. Irrational in the best way? Aw, you're making me blush. Sorry about Lorcan, you should do whatever you want.
Yes! I'm so glad. Did you all like it? What did the kids think? Did mum and dad see it? I hope not. I'm trying out for another role tomorrow. If I like it, I might ditch this one. They're still in pre-production and I feel like they want to recast me. On another note, I almost got caught using magic yesterday. Oops. I was letting the dishes wash themselves when one of my co-stars walked in. I just ran over to the sink quickly. I'm sure she didn't notice. It was fun, though!
Any potion you've got, I'll take. I met this guy named John shortly after I wrote my last letter. He was really nice, at first. He was just trying to get into my pants, apparently. I have the worst luck. Not to say that I totally didn't use him first, but I dumped him after that.
Rox
June 17th
Dear Roxanne,
Of course we all liked it! The kids thought you were quite a hit; they adored you. Your mum and dad didn't see it, because you told them not to, remember? Oh, dear, you should stay with the role you have now. Isn't it a bit like cheating? And be careful with your magic. I'm glad you didn't get caught.
Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. Some men just don't realize what they've got in you. You're absolutely lovely; don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. And boys like that just aren't worth it. You'll find someone who's right for you, Roxanne, don't worry. I know you will. There's someone out there for all of us, we just haven't found them yet. Stay hopeful.
In other news, Lucy's not home yet. She was supposed to be home two hours ago. I'm sure she's just fooling around with some boy again, but still…I'm worried. I hope she's home soon.
Love,
Molly
June 21st
Molly,
Oh, lovely. I'm glad they liked it. And don't worry, it's not cheating. I got the part, but my directors had recast me that morning. Something about 'artistic differences' and 'complaints from other cast members.' Whatever. Bunch of prats, they are. And don't worry about my magic, I can take care of myself. But thanks.
I am hopeful. I've got a boy named Louis, now. Ironic, right? He's nice enough, but he dresses too fashionably to be straight. Poor thing probably hasn't realized he's gay yet. But he's a body, for the moment.
I'm sure everything will be fine. How'd that turn out?
Rox
June 22nd
Rox,
Lucy's gone. Lucy's gone, and we can't find her. I'm terrified. Was it something I said? Was it something I did? Oh Merlin, Roxanne, I'm worried sick. We've all been searching for days and she's not staying with any of the family.
I'm sorry that I'm not up to my usual letter writing today. Will write soon.
Molly
"Roxanne?" You shoot up from your seat, dropping your quill and parchment.
"Hey."
You look down, then back up again, twiddling your fingers. "Hi. What brings you here?" Your heart is beating faster than you'd thought was possible—and not just because you've been running around all day, looking for your flighty sister. She's burst into the door like your knight in shining armor.
"Lucy."
Something in your heart drops. Maybe a little piece of you had hoped that she'd arrived for you. "Oh. Yeah, of course."
"You just sounded so urgent in your letter and…"
"Yeah."
You sit back down on the couch and she takes off her coat, shaking her Weasley red hair. "Quite a thunderstorm."
"Mmm."
"What's wrong?"
You look up at her and feel the tears burning in your eyes, threatening to spill over. "What do you think is wrong?"
She sits down beside you, takes your hand, and leans into you. You draw in a sharp breath, but you don't fight it. And when the tears come, you don't fight them either, even when they soak into her clothes.
"Shhh," she whispers, smoothing back your hair. "It's gonna be okay. We're gonna find her."
"What if we don't?" The words slip from your mouth unbidden, and a fear begins to twist its way through your veins.
"We will." She wraps you in her arms and you only wish that it was under different circumstances.
(You love her, don't you?)
"I love you."
She sits up. "I…Molly. You know I love you." Your heart soars momentarily. "But not like that. We're cousins, remember? And even if I did…" Something inside you snaps as she stands up. "We should be looking for Lucy." Before you know it, her coat is on and she's back out the door, and you can hear the roar of her Muggle car as it takes her away from you.
(You know she loves you. But she's too selfish to admit it.)
June 30th
Dear Roxanne,
Thank you for everything. Lucy is grateful, too. We all are. I hope you can come back soon, but I know you must be awfully busy with your new film.
Talk to you later.
Love,
Molly
July 5th
Molly,
It was no problem. I'm just glad everyone's okay. And I'm sorry about the thing.
The new film is insane. The Americans just celebrated what they call 'Independence Day,' so there were a lot of parties and what have you. Overall, it's been a really great experience.
Have I told you about Sean? Oh, he's lovely. I met him right after what's-his-name and I broke up. He's really nice, Molly. I think he might be something special. He's what I need. Very polite, and ever so gentle and caring. Kind of like you.
Rox
July 6th
Dear Roxanne,
I wish I could come see you so I could meet this lovely boy of yours. I kind of miss you.
Lucy's back to normal now, and she resents us a bit less. But I think she's glad to be home. She says to say hello. I know it's difficult for you to get off of work, but if you have a day, I'd like to come out and see you.
I just…please. We need to talk. Face to face. I love you, and I don't particularly care if you know because you've been ignoring it for as long as possible and it's time that you care about me. Just this once, Roxy? Do something for me. I don't want to be your second choice, the girl on the other end of the letter that you can always rely on to boost your self-confidence and love you regardless. You're selfish. You want me to love you without having to give anything back. Tou just throw boys away like they're nothing to you—and it scares me that you'll do the same to me. I do love you. But I need you to love me back or not love me at all.
Molly
July 6th
Rox,
Please don't read my previous letter. Please don't. Sean sounds very nice and Lucy says hello.
Love,
Molly
July 11th
Dear Roxanne,
I haven't heard from you in a while. Just wondered if everything was okay. Fred says hello.
Love,
Molly
July 14th
Molly,
Sean's broken up with me. For the first time ever, it wasn't me. I'm not me anymore, Molly. I don't know what to do. I snapped at a girl this morning because she didn't bring me my coffee with the proper amount of sugar. What's wrong with me?
You're right. All of it. You're right. And I can't love you anymore because I'll just keep using you and snapping you like a twig. I want to say that I'm breaking up with you (is that even what I'm doing?) because I'm selfless, because I know it's best for you. But I can't even do that, dear. I'm so selfish that I'm doing this because I think I deserve it. Because I'm thinking of me, because I'm thinking that as soon as I'm free of you, I won't feel guilty anymore. I'm so selfish, Molly. And I have to tell you that I don't love you. I will never love you like you love me, and so I've got to stop this stupid feeling that I've got to keep trying. I don't want to break you and me even more.
Rox
July 14th
Dear Roxanne,
No, you don't have to. I don't care. I love you. When can I come out and see you? Writing letters is no good. Just tell me, and I'll be there.
Love,
Molly
July 20th
Roxanne,
I hope everything's okay. Just…talk to me. Write me. Something. Your family hasn't heard from you in months, at least talk to them. I love you.
Love,
Molly
July 25th
Roxanne,
Did I do something? I'm going to come see you, okay? I'm coming today. I'll be there tomorrow. I love you.
Love,
Molly
"Hi, I'm looking for Roxanne Weasley? She's the star. She's about this tall, she's got bright red hair—"
"Oh, you mean Roxanne Prewett." The man pops his gum, and you wince. Her stage name.
"Yes, I'm her cousin. I'm just looking to surprise her, you know, it's her birthday in a week or so and she hasn't been in contact recently."
"Haven't you heard?"
You smile patiently and take a deep breath. "No, I haven't."
"Oh, she committed suicide about a week ago. Poor thing, she swallowed a couple bottles of pills and left a note."
Roxanne. Oh Merlin, Roxanne.
"Where?"
"In her trailer. They've moved the body, but if you're family you can go up to the main office."
You're walking, you're running, you're breathing too fast and when they take you to the hospital and show you the body you nod Yes, it's her and they leave you alone with her as they get the note and the pills. You stroke her red hair, and you think that if she was here she'd find this whole thing ridiculous.
"I'm dead," she'd say. "I'm dead, Molly, so leave."
But you can't, can you? You just can't bring yourself to leave her, and so you don't make a run for it and they give you the note and the pills and they leave you alone again with your sad and broken lover.
Against your better judgment, the smile on her face is saying "Open the note, Molly," and so you do, because you've never been one to disappoint her.
Dear Molly,
Thank you for trying to love me, even when I didn't love you. I really did, Molly darling, I really did, even when it didn't seem like it. I know that one day you'll forget me, and so will the rest of the world, but until then, if there is one thing you remember about me, remember that I was selfish. I was your selfish lover, dear, and I never wanted to be anything else. This isn't because of you, it's because I couldn't take how I was using you when everyone else was using me.
Goodbye, Molly dear.
Love,
Your Selfish Roxanne
You look down at the bottle of pills. There's only a couple left. "What, Roxanne, were you too selfish to let me come with you?" you whisper.
With a steady hand, you take a pen from your purse and write on the bottom of Roxanne's note.
It's okay. I still love you.
And that's it, isn't it? You're done now. You sit down next to her and close your eyes as you lay your head next to hers. "You've gone and killed us both, Roxanne Weasley."
This time, when you cry, she's not there to wipe your tears.
A/N: For Cassie, the Roxanne to my Molly.
Also written for Camp Potter: Archery (write about death), the Femmeslash Project, and the Andrea Gibson Competition.
Allie