It was a cool, crisp beautiful morning that day when the train pulled into the Paris station house. The birds were singing happily, and the sky was the perfect shade of blue. It still cannot believe that we had actually made it! For years we had planned the adventure, a backpacking trip through France! How we had dreamed and schemed, my friends and I to raise enough money for the adventure- it had taken seven years to do so, but finally that moment had arrived.

We had planned everything down to the last minute on of two week escapade- we were going to live the life of true bohemians- we would stay nowhere besides the cheapest hostels, and eat nothing but the cheapest country cooking, all so would save our money when we arrived in Paris! Paris, the city of lights, a city of golden opportunity, a city full of life and love. I had dreamed for years about that night where I would sit under a star filled sky in a small café, looking at the beautiful horizon.

My problem is that I would be sitting there alone. Well, my friends, that strong group of seven that we made, would be there. But it wouldn't be the same. They had that ability above all others that I was jealous of, the ability to sit on a beautiful night and looked doe-eyed at someone else, that ability to have someone return their affections with as much vigor as they were received. I had bounced from one horrible relationship to another for years when I was in high school; they went from bad to worse. I hadn't had a date since graduation; I was slowly becoming a nun. How burned inside my inner spirit, that longed to be the smoldering temptress, the one who entered a room, and all heads turned. I had been there once, I would obtain it again- but not now- not for a long time, I was too fragile, too upset-I just couldn't face rejection and abandonment again.