Summary - But she refused to cry, she didn't want to break down surrounded by all these people. She had always been like that, and she thought that if she cried, then it would be real. He would really be gone. Carter/Abby.

Disclaimer - I don't own the show, or any of the characters. If I did, then Carter and Abby would still be together.

In her opinion, it was far too sunny outside. It shouldn't be sunny; it should be raining, and thundering. She scratched her leg; the nylon on her panty hose was itching. The priest droned on and on about what a great man he had been. She could see the rest of the ER in the front rows. Susan was crying against Chucks' shoulder. Doug and Carol had come back for the funeral, and both had a few tears running down their cheeks. And though she would vehemently deny it, Abby swore she saw a tear or two roll down Weaver's cheek. But she refused to cry, she didn't want to break down surrounded by all these people. She had always been like that, and she thought that if she cried, then it would be real. He would really be gone. And she didn't want to believe that.

The priest finally stopped talking, and the coffin lowered into the ground. Once it hit the ground, people began to leave, but she stayed behind. She watched as men came to fill up the hole. She wanted to yell at them to stop. That they had no right to bury him deep in the ground, he should still be breathing. He shouldn't be there, in the damp soil, waiting for bugs and such to chew him up.

"Look man, there's no need for the gun. If you just put it down, then we'll go outside and talk this over with the police," John Carter tried to reason with the man, silently praying for his life.

"Why? So I can go to jail? I can't, I can't go back to that hell-hole!" he shouted, placing his finger on the trigger.

"If you shoot me, then you'll have to go to jail for a lot longer then if you don't. Just think about -…" And those were the last words to come out of Carter's mouth. The man pulled the trigger, and John's world went dark.

Eventually she left the cemetery. She knew she should go to the wake at Susan's, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She didn't want to be surrounded by all those people, talking about John in the past tense. She didn't want to have to deal with everyone giving her sorry looks, telling her that they understood what she was going through. Because they didn't. They had no idea what she felt. She looked up at the sky again. God, she wished the sun would stop shining and it would rain.

When she got the call from the ambulance that they were bringing in a GSW to the chest, Abby didn't think anything of it. So when the ambulance doors burst open and Carter was on the gurney, her heart nearly stopped. Luka looked almost like she did, pale as a ghost. They snapped out of it, and quickly rushed him into the trauma room.

The next two hours were hell. Everyone was frantically rushing around, trying to save him. Eventually, their efforts were rewarded, he was stabilized, and awake. Abby hadn't been allowed to work on him, she was too emotionally involved with the patient. So she sat outside, anxiously waiting. When they told her that she could see him, Abby couldn't bring herself to go in. She watched Luka, and then Susan,enter and leave the room.

"He's asking for you Abby," Susan told her. "He wants to see you; I really think you should go in."

She sighed, but she knew that she had to see him. "Just in case," the little voice in the back of her mind told her. But she pushed those thoughts aside; she didn't want to think of him dead. Putting on a brave face, she walked in. He looked so small, on the hospital bed. Tubes were sticking out of him, and machines on the side of the bed. Tears sprang to her eyes to see him like that, but she blinked them away. She didn't want him to see her cry.

"Hey," he softly said, a small smile spreading across his face at the sight of her.

"Hey," she replied back, taking his hand.

"I want you to have this," he said, giving her an envelope with her name on it.

"What is this?" she asked, beginning to open it up.

"No, don't," he said, stopping her from opening it, "it's from me to you. I just… if I die, then I want you to read it."

She looked up at him, surprised. She didn't know that he thought he was going to die, "Carter, don't think like that. You're going to be fine."

"Just in case though, I want you to read in case."

"Carter, no. You're not going to die." But he was sleeping. The events of the day finally took its toll on her and she fell asleep beside him.

He died during his sleep.

She sighed as she unlocked the door to her darkened apart. She reached over and turned on the lamp by the couch. She kicked off her shoes and one of them accidentally hit the table. Something from the top of it fell off and fluttered to the ground. It was the letter. "It's from me to you. I just… if I die, then I want you to read it." She picked it up off the ground, sat down on the couch, and read.

Dear Abby,

If you're reading this letter than I'm probably dead. And I know that you're at home, sitting on your couch reading this.

I know we've always had somewhat of a tumultuous relationship Abby. I should never have broken up with you the way I did, in a letter. But it all seemed so much simpler. And while it didn't make me completely happy, it just seemed easier at the time for things to be simple.

I told your mother once that I spent 23 hours a day thinking about whether we were right for each other. But by the 24th hour, I simply loved you, and that was all that mattered. That's still true today Abby, I never stopped loving you. Never. And now it's too late to ever do anything about it. I promised you once that I would always be there, and I broke it. I'm so sorry Abby; I never meant to hurt you.

Please don't be sad for my death Abby. It was simply my time to go. You can cry all you want to, but I want you to move on with your life. Marry, have kids, grow old. And then someday, when it's your time to die, I'll be waiting at the gates of heaven with open arms to let you in Abby. Because I love you. And I always will.

Love,

John Carter.

She took the letter and crumbled it up into a ball, throwing it across the room. It wasn't supposed to be like this. They were supposed to have time. Time to work things out again, and time to finally make their relationship work. She wasn't supposed to be all alone, while he was gone. She kept wishing, praying even, that this was all just a horrible nightmare. That she would wake up from this hellish dream and go to work and there he'd be. But it was real, and she finally cried. She cried because she still loved him, but he wasn't there. She cried because her world was falling apart, and he wasn't there to help her pick up the pieces.

And outside, the rain began to pour down in buckets.

FIN.

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