A/N: I really don't know what this is. It's rambly, it's long, and it has no purpose. I started off wanting to make a commentary on how many fics we have about romanticizing panic attacks, and then I went on a feminist rant. So... Hope you like it...? I think this is more a look into my weird brain than it is an actual fic. But you might find it enjoyable, and I think it's important that we process the last few episodes as a community. There was a lot. I'm waiting for someone to write about Jason. He had some issues in 2.15.
Let me know if you think this is too transparent. It took me a week and a half to figure out why 2.14 bothered me... as a survivor of a domestic terrorism bombing. I felt a little ridiculous that it took me that long to realize why I was so upset, and so I made Elizabeth do the same thing. Feelings are confusing.
Henry walked into the bedroom to find Elizabeth curled up on her side of the bed, facing away from him. The blinds were drawn, and the room was surprisingly dark, given that there was plenty of light from the mid-afternoon sun. She looked like she was asleep. After a couple seconds, though, he could see her shoulders quivering.
"Babe? You all right? I didn't expect you home this early." Henry had just gotten home himself.
Elizabeth tried to wipe her eyes and pull herself together. She had come home to see Henry, forgetting that he had an afternoon class to teach, but now she didn't know how to start the conversation.
Henry rounded the corner to her side of the bed, finding her eyes puffy with tears. She had obviously been crying a while. "What happened?" He knelt down to her eye level beside the bed.
"I had another panic attack at work…"
"Baby, why didn't you call me? Huh?" Henry reached a hand out to stroke her cheek.
Elizabeth didn't move, staying still on the bed. She just shook her head. She didn't know. She hadn't told anyone what was happening. Blake knew. She just told him she was going home. He covered for her.
"I didn't want to talk on the phone. I just wanted to be home."
"And then you came home and I was still in class?" Henry could piece together the events of the afternoon pretty easily.
She nodded.
"I'm sorry I was in class, babe. I'm here now. Can you tell me what happened?" His hand cupped her chin, trying to get her to look at him properly.
"It all sounds silly now." Elizabeth felt self-conscious. She shifted uncomfortably.
"I don't think it's silly." Come on, baby, talk to me. We don't need another panic attack in one day.
"I don't even know what to say, Henry. Really. Nothing happened." Nothing important, anyway.
"Tell me about the day. We got up like normal, you even had time for breakfast."
She smiled. "Yeah. Then I did my morning staff meeting. We're working on the new South American Aid report. I think I nearly fell asleep twice."
"Was it that boring?"
"Well, no, but all the report details is how none of our aid is effective because of the bureaucratic politics in each separate country, and then they all get mad at each other… It's just a mess."
"So you felt powerless?" Henry could see a trend, even if she couldn't. He brushed a lock of hair off her face. It may have been very trendy, but the hair wasn't quite long enough to tuck behind her ear, and it was always in her way.
"Maybe. I guess. But I should have been fine with that. I deal with political nightmares all day. It's in my job description."
"So what happened after that?"
"I did paperwork the rest of the morning." She thought of how frustrating it had been. She hated paperwork.
Henry was surprised. "You just did paperwork? You sat still all morning?"
"I mean, I had the TV on."
"See any good soaps?" Maybe a joke would help. His hand never left her cheek. She probably had forgotten that he was touching her, but he needed to keep contact with her. It helped him discern her mood.
Bess sighed. "Just news. There was a bomb somewhere in Malaysia, and they had footage of the survivors running away from the blast."
"Was that when you had the panic attack?"
"No! I was fine! Really!" She was trying to convince him now. "I was fine. I went to a meeting at the White House and then I got held up there a while."
"Any big world news?" Anything that could cause a panic attack?
"Hardly. Just Conrad trying to win reelection. You know how ridiculous this election is. He wants me to help him get his message out." She scoffed.
"Did you manage to get lunch in there?" Henry's priorities were very predictable.
"Oh, um, I don't think so." Bess tried to think. She never could remember. Food wasn't a huge priority when she was working.
At that, Henry stood up, his legs starting to cramp from kneeling down. "Babe, you really have to eat. Can I fix you something? It's nearly four." He looked at his watch and then turned to face the door, ready to go get something from the kitchen.
"I'm really not hungry." Elizabeth was upset. She was feeling better talking to Henry, and then he stopped the conversation to focus on her food intake. Why can't he understand I don't want to eat?
"Come on. You need something. Soup? You can't keep up your sexy curves if you won't eat anything."
"Stop! Just stop! I don't want to eat anything, okay? Just drop it." He had pushed her far enough, and Elizabeth wasn't going to have any more of it. She noticed herself getting angry, and she stood up, ready to have it out with her husband. I don't want to be sexy right now, Henry.
Turning back to her, Henry said, "Hey. Cool it. You don't have to eat this minute. Sit back down. It's okay." He held up his hands, moving towards her, trying to soothe her.
"No! Get away from me! I can't do this!" Elizabeth turned tail and ran out of the bedroom and down the stairs.
Henry was shocked. He had suggested she eat some food. It wasn't a radical proposition. Everyone ate three times a day. How could this have set her off? She had been calming down. They hadn't figured out what had caused her earlier panic attack yet, but they had been working on it.
Following her downstairs, he called out to her, softly, not wanting to startle her. "Babe? It's all okay. We'll take this at your pace, okay? Where'd you go?"
Looking around the kitchen and living room, he couldn't find her. Turning the corner into the family room, he found her crouched in the corner, obviously in the middle of another panic attack. Her arms were wrapped around her knees, and she was rocking back and forth, obviously trying to fill her lungs with air.
Henry started to move toward her immediately, reaching down to smooth her hair, hoping that would soothe her.
"Get back! Stop! I don't need you!" Her eyes were darting around, uncomfortable with Henry having her effectively pinned in the corner.
Backing up, Henry sat on the sofa. "Okay, I'm not touching you, hon. I'm here. Just breathe. In…2..3.. Out…2..3.. In…2..3.. Come on."
Elizabeth was angry with him, and she was angrier with herself that she couldn't understand why she was so angry with him… She couldn't get her breathing under control no matter how much she tried.
"Elizabeth. You have to breathe. You're going to pass out if you don't. Come on. Look at me. You can do this." Henry was desperately trying to help her without scaring her more. Why won't you let me touch you? What happened today?
Having absolutely no success in controlling her panic, Bess's vision started to get foggy and shift. It looked like she was seeing Henry through a very distant and hazy camera. She felt herself slip a little, unable to stay sitting upright. The wall caught her gently, but the impact surprised her, hitting her back. She stiffened, shocked and scared. She felt herself falling into nothingness. Her torso felt shorter, or maybe her arms felt longer. She couldn't tell. What she could tell was that distance didn't feel quite real. She felt like she was in a dream, or maybe she was watching herself in a movie.
Seeing this, Henry could no longer restrain himself. He watched Bess slide down the wall, and, moving quickly, he caught her head before it hit the floor. He positioned her so her airway was clear, and then rubbed his hand along the side of her face.
"It's okay, baby. I'm right here. I know you're scared, but nothing is going to hurt you while I'm here. I need you to relax. We can talk about anything you want to once you relax." Henry made up his mind that if she didn't improve in three minutes, he was going to call an ambulance.
Elizabeth couldn't even remember why she was upset. She couldn't think of anything but her panic. Instinctively, she reached out for Henry's hand. She needed to feel him close to her. He was the only safe thing in her mental landscape. She needed him to make everything okay.
Henry held her hand tightly, trying to keep her grounded. "I've got you, baby. Nothing is going to hurt you here. You're safe. Little breaths. Just take even, little breaths. Baby steps. You can do it. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."
Feeling something snap, Elizabeth felt herself melt into Henry. She gave up any effort of control. She just couldn't do it – she had to lean on her husband. Almost immediately, she felt tears fall from her eyes. His arms wrapped around her, and he pulled her into his lap, her legs curling up beside him. She let him hold her tight to his chest. Her own arms clung tightly to Henry's neck. He was leaning against the wall now, legs stretched out in front of him.
"There you go. I've got you. Let go, baby. It's okay. I've got you. Let it all out." Henry wanted her to release the tension she had been holding in. He was very glad that they had managed to get through this. While he wouldn't have hesitated to take her to the hospital, he knew that would have been difficult for her.
Her sobs calmed very slowly. She allowed herself to rest in Henry's arms, just sitting on the floor of the family room, for more than half an hour. Just when Henry thought her crying had slowed, another wave of tears would pour out of his wife. He stayed calm, even, and soothing, but internally, he was getting increasingly worried about what had transpired. Surely if something had happened, her security would have let him know. Surely her security would have kept anything bad from happening in the first place. All he could do was rub her back in slow circles, keeping her present and connected. Every now and again, he'd try to offer her some quiet words, but there wasn't much to be said. She needed to let out all the pain she had been holding inside.
Eventually, she pulled back to look into Henry's eyes. They held their gaze for a moment, and then Elizabeth leaned in to kiss him ever so softly. She wanted to thank him, and she needed to remind herself that he was still hers.
He wasn't sure he had ever experienced a kiss so tender and sweet. It almost broke his heart how vulnerable she could be, and only he ever saw it.
"You okay, babe? What can I do?" He still had one arm wrapped around her, keeping her tight against him. His other hand reached to hold her cheek, gently keeping her expression visible to him.
"Take me to bed. Hold me. Don't let me go." She hid her face in his neck as they stood up, and Henry picked her up, carrying her up the stairs.
Once they had settled down together in bed and Henry had wrapped a blanket around her, Elizabeth sighed, releasing the tension in her body. She felt like a limp rag. "This is my favorite place in the house."
"In bed?" Henry smiled.
"No. Well, yes. With you, in bed. That's my favorite." She nuzzled into his shoulder, feeling his firm muscles holding her.
Henry kissed her forehead. "It's my favorite, too."
"I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier."
"You were scared, baby. It's understandable. I'm not mad. You can yell at me all you want."
"I don't know why I freaked out so much. I really shouldn't have."
"Were you scared of eating?" Henry was choosing his words carefully. He didn't want to make her upset again.
"Not scared, no. But… I felt like I didn't deserve it." It was hard for her to admit, and before it came out of her mouth, she didn't realize it.
Henry down looked at her sharply. She had always been thin, but she had never acted like she had any emotional distress over eating. He would have noticed after spending so many years together. "Why wouldn't you deserve to eat?"
"I mean… I didn't feel like I deserved any of it." She couldn't meet his gaze now.
"Any of what?" Come on, babe, talk it out. It'll be okay once you get it out.
"I don't know!" Her anger was coming through again. She stiffened in his embrace. She was curled up, much as she had been downstairs, but this time she could enjoy cuddling with her husband. Downstairs, she hadn't noticed his physical comfort. She hadn't even been able to feel her body properly. Now, she could feel him trying to take the tension out of her, but it was too much. The feelings coming to the surface were too overwhelming.
"Okay, okay. That's okay." He took a breath. She was doing better when we were just talking through her day. "So you had your meeting at the White House, and that was frustrating, right? Tell me what happened after that."
"Nothing happened after that." She still didn't want to look at him.
"Come on. Humor me." For the love of God, don't say nothing happened when you had a panic attack. Something obviously happened…
"Fine. I did some more paperwork. I was going to call you while I was doing it, but people kept coming in with stupid questions, and I didn't get a chance."
"Was the TV still on while you were working?"
"Yeah, why?" What a weird thing to latch onto.
"Were they still playing footage of the bombing in Malaysia?" An idea was forming in Henry's mind.
"I guess so. Yeah. They were. It was the only thing on all day."
"You think that was why you got upset?"
"It should take a lot more than that to make me have a panic attack." It was just a thing on TV. Who gets irrationally upset over stuff on TV?
"Okay, so what happened right before your panic attack?"
"Someone from DoD came over to talk about arming some rebel group in some country… I wasn't really paying attention. He didn't get what he wanted, so he slammed my door. The noise… I was under my desk… But I got it together enough. I was okay. I just wanted to come home to you. So I told Blake I was leaving early. He probably knew what was going on, but no one else did. I was breathing fine. I was just jumpy."
"So all morning people made you deal with frustrating situations that made you powerless, you couldn't leave the White House – and the last time that happened was when I was in the hospital, and you saw a bombing on TV, and then I wasn't here. That sounds a lot like some other things you've been through recently…"
"I guess you're right. Maybe it was the bombing. I wasn't upset by it, but I kept thinking about those kids in the bomb… Their parents are gone. Those kids don't have food to eat right now. They don't have anyone to comfort them. How can I deserve anything if I can't help any of them? I can't help the kids in South America, and I can't help the kids in Malaysia…"
"You deserve love just as much as those kids do. You're just as human as they are."
"No. You just want me to eat because you like looking at my ass." She was lashing out, and she knew it, even as she said it.
Henry looked at her, stricken. "How can you… Baby… I didn't mean that." You can't think I would do that to you. We don't manipulate each other.
"Didn't you? Doesn't everyone only care about how much I can accomplish for them?" Her eyes were glistening. She shifted away from him, gripping her knees again.
"Even if they are, I'm not one of them. I think you're gorgeous no matter how you look. And let me make it clear that I would have fallen in love with you even if I had never seen your body at all. I'm in love with you, not your body." He scooted forward to be next to her, rubbing her back softly.
"There's a rise in human trafficking through South America right now. That could have been me… In Iran. It could have been me."
"I know, baby." Did anyone do anything? Did someone scare you? Why are you bringing this up now?
"Those parents that died in the bomb in Malaysia, that could have been either one of us…"
"I know." I don't need to be reminded that I nearly lost you. I'll never forget that.
"Doesn't that bother you?" Her face was hidden in Henry's shirt now. Her fist clenched handfuls of cloth, trying to convince herself that his presence wasn't a mere factor of chance.
"It's scary, isn't it?" I'm here, babe.
"How am I supposed to live with that kind of uncertainty? How am I supposed to just… live?" She looked up at him, tears clinging to her eyelashes.
"Well… I guess you cry about it, and then you confront it head on. You've never been someone to back down from a problem. We're both going to die one day, and we have very little control over it… But in a way, that just makes this moment all the more special."
"I don't think I'm ready to think about it just yet." It was still so overwhelming.
Henry smiled. When science professors scoffed at the amount of effort they thought it took to study religion, he knew most of them would never have the strength of character to cope with the kind of questions he tackled everyday. Elizabeth knew how difficult it was. She had always respected him for being willing to question such existentially terrifying prospects.
"It's okay if you're not ready yet, babe. It's been a tough day. Some days are tough. But we got through it."
"Yeah. We did. But let's not do that anytime soon, agreed?" She looked up at him, still holding his shirt in her clenched fists.
Laughing, he replied. "Well, let's hope there isn't a need. Because I'm always going to look after you when you're upset." He gently pushed her down so she was lying flat, and he was hovering to the side and slightly over her, leaning on one elbow.
"You're kinda wonderful, you know that?" She smiled up at him.
"You're not so bad yourself." He brought his lips to meet hers, giving her a gentle, massaging kiss.
"Yeah, but… thank you… for today. For looking after me, for being so protective… Sometimes I need your safety. And I'm sorry I said you just wanted to look at my ass. I didn't mean that. I know you." She was looking up at him with a very serious gleam in her eyes.
"Baby, did anything happen? Did someone try to do something inappropriate?" Please say no. Dear God, please let her say no.
She sighed and looked off to the side. "Not really, I guess. I don't know."
Am I allowed to ban the phrase 'I don't know'? "Come on. You can do better than that. Tell me what happened."
"The DoD guy… He wanted me to support arming this rebel group. I told him I wouldn't support it. So he started playing this argument that women were being raped and families were being murdered…" She still wouldn't meet his eyes.
"He went right for a pathos argument about families because you're a woman." He thinks he can prey on you.
"Yeah. And it's not just him. Anytime anyone wants anything out of me, or at least the guys, they use stats about sexual assault or murder or kidnapping or whatever it is. And I guess it's just hard not to get scared of something when it's always played as the trump card." Her glance flicked to him, just briefly.
"Well, it shouldn't be used as a trump card in any argument. And I don't want you being this scared. If it doesn't make sense to carry around fear of dying, it certainly doesn't make sense to carry around fear of sexual violence. Sexual violence isn't even final. Life still goes on. We shouldn't think of that as worse than death. And using that to manipulate you just because you're a woman just means they know they don't have a decent argument." Henry looked down at his wife. He saw her strength, and he didn't understand how anyone could miss it.
"You're right." I love that you're a feminist.
"I know I am." I love it when you smile.
"Well, there's no need to get cocky." She grinned up at him. He understood. He was a man, but he had listened to her, and he was able to think of things from her perspective. He understood, and that was all Elizabeth really needed. She needed to feel like she wasn't alone, fighting a battle no one else noticed or even thought existed.
"Fine." Henry lay down, facing his wife, his arm resting on her waist. His expression grew serious. "But babe, if you don't feel safe, we can talk to the detail… You don't need to be worried."
"I don't think I'm really worried about my own safety. I think it's just a lot of pressure that these guys seem to think it's my job to protect all women just because I'm a woman and I'm Secretary of State."
"Well, you know, all women are the same. You all vote the same and like the same things. You communicate with each other with your uteruses, right?" His sarcasm was obvious.
Elizabeth burst out laughing. "What?!" She couldn't stop laughing. She had to sit up.
Henry sat up with her, a hand on her back. "Isn't that how it works?"
Tears were forming in the corners of her eyes from her laughter. "No. I don't believe I've ever communicated with someone with my uterus. …what?" Her whole body was convulsing with giggles.
"Oh, well, I was just sure that was what that was for."
Her laughter finally dying down, Elizabeth let her head lean against Henry's chest. "Don't make me laugh that hard. I can't… Oh gosh."
"Maybe I should just go down to DoD and give those guys a lesson in how not to be jerks." He mindlessly played with her hair, appreciating the silky texture.
"Could you teach a feminist ethics course or something? They need it."
"They do." He grew serious. "But really, they shouldn't try to scare you to get what they want. That's intimidation."
"I'm okay. Easy there, tiger." She rested her head on top of his shoulder, lightly kissing his neck.
"I know you are. But they shouldn't do that to you." He was more than a little angry with how his wife was being treated.
"You want me to talk to Conrad about it?"
"Yeah, I do actually. This is a problem. Because I can tell you that sexual assault isn't a top priority at DIA. They're just inventing this when they talk to you. They don't care about it otherwise. And that's a problem in itself."
"Okay, I'll talk to Conrad about it. Better?"
"Yes. And I want you to call me if they scare you like that. Because intimidating you isn't okay."
"I'm pretty tough, Henry. I can handle these guys." She looked up to meet his eyes, determined to show him her capability.
"I know you can. I'm not saying you can't, babe. I'm saying that it's my job to make sure you're okay." It was a job Henry took very seriously.
"And it's my job to make sure you're okay." Elizabeth smiled, asserting herself.
Henry ran a hand up and down her back. "Yes it is. And you do a very good job of it. You did the right thing speaking up about me rejoining DIA."
"You wouldn't have been happy. Even if you caught him, you would have been torn up. You weren't okay last time, I knew you weren't." She hugged him, reminding him that he needed her.
"You're right. It just took me a long time to figure it out."
"It's because men try to act tough all the time."
"Yeah, so maybe my internalized sexism still needs work." He looked down at her with one eyebrow raised.
They both smiled. They could hear the door downstairs open.
"We're home. We picked up dinner." The kids called.
"You okay for a family dinner?" Henry wanted to make sure she was ready to leave their cocoon of safety and sanity.
"Yeah. I'm good. Thanks for this. I guess I was a little messed up."
They both stood up, straightening the bed and their clothes.
"It's never one thing. It's always fifty." Henry opened his arms to her, letting her fold herself into one more hug before going downstairs to hear about the kids.
She laughed. "You got that right." She leaned up to give him a kiss. "Don't ever change."