Title: Suffering in Silence

Author: Chickiee-Dee

Rating: PG-13

Summary: On the eve of Hutchins' book release Mac reflects, on the book and everything it has cost her. Spoilers for 1:07 First Scandal.

Authors Notes: This is my first Commander in Chief fic, I have previously only written for Alias and McLeod's Daughters. I have no idea where this came from, except the avoidance of doing my Politics readings for tomorrow. Let me know what you all think.

Suffering in Silence

My knees buckle slightly as the rest of my body hits the sofa with an imagined thud. My right hand lifts up, massaging my aching forehead, attempting to alleviate the pain somewhat, as I pray that my mind will eventually shut off to allow me some rest, and give me the strength to face the world again tomorrow. The dreaded book sits on the table in front of me and I eye it sadly, knowing there was nothing I could've done to prevent its release. Now all I can do is hope, hope that people, after hearing my side of the story decide against buying it. Try as I might I was unable to discredit Hutchins' but my God I want to kill him. If I hadn't have been in a somewhat sane frame of mind then there's no telling exactly what I would've done to him. Instead I remained completely numb. All the perceived scandal about the book and it's content only rated a distant second on the scale of things I really gave a shit about at this time.

My body made the choice for me, I hadn't known about it long, only a few days, Rod never knew, no one knew and that makes it so much harder for me to grieve this loss the way I know I should, the way it deserves. As I lean back into the soft cushions further, my feet come to rest outstretched on the table opposite me. My shoes, long ago removed sit lifelessly on the floor, and seeing them there, for some reason I can't articulate in this frame of mind, I cry. My tears continue to fall, the salty liquid running through me fingers and coming to rest on the fabric that covers my thighs. I'm unsure of how long I sat there, but sometime later I felt the cushion beside me sag as more weight was added to it. "Mac, it's ok." I heard Rod's comforting voice, and I would bet a million bucks that he thought I was crying about the book. But this is the path I've chosen, one where I can't even tell my husband that I miscarried yet another child. The pain I feel is unbelievable, just like last time. Those that say it gets easier, they're just bullshitting, I'd lay good money on the fact that they probably haven't lost multiple children.

When I found out I was expecting again, in addition to being completely shocked, deep down I was overjoyed. I'd lost a child a few years previous, and my Doctor at the time mentioned that once again, I'd have trouble conceiving, much like the earlier years. Bile rises in my throat as I remember a time when we were first married, and had decided to start a family. Months and months of hormone injections and I was ready to give up. We'd managed to scrape together enough money for one last cycle of IVF, our fifth so far, and as we'd quietly decided our last attempt before we looked at other methods to give us the family we'd longed for. Then it happened, the pregnancy test came back positive and finally our Doctor confirmed what we'd wanted to hear for months. I was pregnant, and not just with one child, with two, as he explained was common for those on the IVF program. He went on to explain about the risks involved with this pregnancy, and I hung on his every word, diligently taking in everything I'd need to do to ensure the safe delivery of our children.

Years later after much more effort and pain, Amy was finally conceived, but between her conception and the birth of the twins, we'd suffered so much heartache, from finding out I was pregnant to losing the baby at every turn. When I look at my precious daughter now, as she grows up, I hope that neither her nor Becca ever have to go through the heartache that I have known for so many years. Even following Amy's birth, we'd decided that one more child would make our family complete, and the heartache started again, the emotion of everything that I was going through, causing so much strain on our once perfect marriage, so baby plans took a backseat as we concentrated once again on raising the children we'd already been blessed with. As much as I love my three miracle babies, there's always been a part of me that wanted more, and when I found out about this baby, though the timing wasn't exactly the best, I knew I wanted nothing more than to keep this new little miracle. It wasn't to be though, and when I felt the all too familiar cramping in my stomach this afternoon, I prayed for the first time in so many years. Later my fears were realised as I slid down against the wall of my bathroom, frozen in shock, willing the blood that was spilling from my body to go away, hoping that once again it was all just a bad dream.

I felt Rod pull me closer as I rested my head on his broad chest, letting everything out. I wanted to tell him about the baby so much but I couldn't, something in me that felt I'd once again let him down. Deep down I knew he wouldn't make me feel like that, and that he'd support me through my grief. For some reason I couldn't do it, losing yet another baby, and taking the count up to six, was so surreal to me, and before I could explain it all to my husband, who'd stood by me for so long already, I had to understand it myself. "Mac, it's all going to go away, a couple of weeks from now, it would've all blown over and they'll be talking about something else. You don't need to get so upset about it." He pressed his lips to my forehead, and wiped away the tears that were still falling rapidly. My eyelids began to droop and when I woke up sometime later, I was safely encased in Rod's arms as he deposited me in our bed. And as I dozed off once again, I vowed that the world would never know just how much Evan Hutchins book had really cost me.

The End

A/N: Good? Bad? Like I said this is my first CiC fic. Hope you enjoyed it!