Disclaimers: They're not mine, but I promise I'll have them back by A/N: All mistakes and British spellings are mine.
midnight.
Explanations
"For Christ's sake Sara do you have to be so damn stubborn? Things can't always be done your way." Catherine yells at me as she paces up and down the layout room.
I should be angry, she's talking to me as if I'm a child, but all I can do is wonder if her bitching at me should be this much of a turn on.
"Have you ever heard of doing things the easy way?"
She is so damn hot when she's angry. She's just hot, all the damn time.
"Or maybe even compromising?"
Scratch that. Hot doesn't even begin to cover it. Sexy as fucking hell.
"Are you even listening to me?"
Her question somehow manages to get through the Catherine induced haze currently filling my head and I realise she actually wants an answer. "Of course I'm listening to you. I just figured I'd let you get it out of your system before answering." Well, that and I was far too busy imagining you naked, and because of that I don't actually remember what you're shouting about.
"God you are so infuriating."
Why oh why do I have to be attracted to her? I'm supposed to be intelligent aren't I? Yeah well, tell that to my hormones, evil, treacherous little things, I think they enjoy making my life hell.
"I don't want to deal with you right now. I'm going for a break."
Looking at her ass as she's storming off is bad Sidle, very bad.
Get it together here Sara. Okay so I want Catherine, in the worst possible way, never going to happen so it would help if I stopped checking her out every chance I get. I'm only torturing myself.
"Aagghh." I scream into the now empty room as I bury my head in my hands.
I think I may have officially gone insane. What the hell am I meant to do about this? I can't control my feelings when I'm around her. The burning that starts in my stomach whenever I see her, the electric shocks she seems to send running through my body whenever she touches me or brushes past me. I truly don't think I've ever been this attracted to anyone; I actually physically ache for her.
It's stupid; I'm a grown woman for God's sake. I'm meant to be long past the butterflies, sweaty palms, stammering and swooning but nope, not me. All of the above, and more whenever I'm confronted with Catherine Willows.
I know I'm going to snap soon; tell her exactly how I feel. I just hope she doesn't have her gun when I do.
"Okay so I decided I didn't want a break, we have a case to solve here so you're just going to have to deal with it." Catherine announces as she storms back in.
"Me deal with it? It was you who stormed off and now I think of it, I don't even know what it was we were arguing about, no, correction, what you were yelling at me about."
Probably because I was too busy wondering what she sounds like when she's moaning. I wonder if she's a screamer.
"I knew you weren't listening to me." Catherine declares as she throws her hands up in the air. "Why do I bother?"
Oh how I'd love to silence her with a kiss. I bet that would shock her, shut her up for a few minutes. Oh for crying out loud, Can't I go five minutes?
"I have no idea. Why do you bother?" I have to admit, I'm getting just as sick of this as she seems to be. I think I'll ask Grissom not to put us on the same case any more. I hate upsetting her but I can't let myself get close.
"You know what, fuck it. I'm sick to death of dealing with this."
"What 'this' are you talking about Catherine?"
"This arguing thing we do. I have no idea why we're like this, why you act so differently with me, you get on fine with everyone else but me, you seem to do everything you can to piss me off, to push me away."
That's because I'm not head over heals in love with anybody else. I don't have to fight the urge to kiss anybody else.
She looks genuinely upset. I hate seeing that look on her, especially when I'm the cause of it. I'm an ass.
"If I've done something to upset you, I'm sorry, I truly am but I'm not dealing with this any more. When you decide to tell me what the fuck it is that makes you act like such a jerk with me, and don't you dare give me that shocked look, you know I'm right."
Okay she is right, but I reserve the right to look shocked anyway.
"When you decide to give me a clue, come find me, maybe we can have an adult conversation, until then; just stay the hell away from me."
I bury my head in my hands again and try to think of something, anything to make this better.
Why am I feeling angry? She's the one I've been acting like a jerk with. I have no right to be angry.
Why the hell not? I'm angry because she isn't the only one suffering; she has no idea how hard it is for me to be around her. Well Catherine, you want an explanation? You are damn well about to get one.
It's possible I'm about to commit career suicide, but right now, I don't care, my sanity is more important.
I storm out of the layout room and practically stomp around the lab in search of her. It's impossible for me to work with her anyway, so why not just totally fuck it up.
I find her in the locker room. Thankfully she's alone, I'm not sure I could hold this in any more, no matter who was with her.
"So you want an explanation?" I ask as soon as she looks up at me. I don't feel as nervous as I assumed I would. I'm relieved to be finally getting this out. "I guarantee you will not like what you hear." I warn her.
"Well it's not as though things can get any worse between us, now is it?" She replies as she stands up.
I think I'm about to prove her wrong there.
"Why do we argue all the time Sara? Why do you always pick a fight with me?" She asks.
Okay Sara, no turning back now. I take a deep breath before replying. "Because you are so fucking sexy when you're angry."
Wow, I don't think I've ever seen her look so shocked.
"Because it turns me on when you're angry with me, all that passion directed solely at me..."
"What the..."
"No, you wanted an explanation; I'm giving you it, so just shut the hell up and listen for once."
I'm fully expecting her to start yelling but she doesn't. I falter for a second, shocked myself as she shuts up and waits for me to continue.
"I'm such a jerk with you because I want you so much. I can barely breathe when I'm around you, and because of that I can't stand being around you. I can't concentrate on work when we're on a case together. So I have to be a jerk, I have to distance myself or I'll make mistakes, and you know as well as I do that we can't afford to do that."
She remains silent but takes a step back as I walk a little closer to her.
"When we were working before, I couldn't concentrate on the evidence. Do you know what I was thinking about?"
I wait for her to answer but she just shakes her head. The look of utter shock is still there. Not that I was expecting anything else.
"I was fantasizing about you, thinking about how your legs would feel wrapped around me as I slowly take you." I actually have to fight the groan threatening to escape as a wave of arousal washes over me at the thought.
She gasps in shock at my admission and walks backward until her back is against the locker.
"I was wondering what you'd feel like naked, beneath me, arching into me, moaning my name. I was wondering if you're a moaner, or if you scream when you climax, I want to hear you moaning so much."
I can't seem to stop talking now I've started. It feels so fantastic to finally be telling her how I feel.
"I can't count the amount of times I've woken up from dreams of you only to find myself alone. God the things we've done in my dreams Catherine."
Okay so I know it'll end badly, and I probably shouldn't be being this graphic. But at least I'll have gotten it out of my system; at least she'll know I wasn't just being a bitch for the sake of it.
"So tell me Catherine, how am I meant to work with you when I'm thinking like that? How am I meant to concentrate when you fill my every thought? If you have any suggestions I'd be happy to hear them because I'm out of ideas."
I walk over so I'm directly in front of her. I thought she might have been frightened by my sudden movement but she just looks curious, and shocked.
I grab her hand and place it over my heart, holding it there; it's currently trying to beat its way out of my chest so she must be able to feel it.
"Do you feel that?"
I wait until she nods.
"That's because of you, because I'm so close to you, I can feel the heat spreading through my body just because you're touching me. I can't describe how much I want to kiss you right now."
I let go of her hand but she leaves it where it is. I think she's still too shocked to move. I know that isn't going to last, she's going to recover any minute so I best hurry this up.
"But don't think this is just lust. That all I want is to get into your pants, a quick fuck and that's all, because you'd be very much mistaken. I want to take you on dates, hold your hand and buy you flowers. I dream of waking up in your arms. I'm head over heals in love with you Catherine and I want it all."
I have no idea what possesses me to do so but I lean in and capture her lips with mine. I know I've just seriously crossed the line. I pull back before she even has time to react and take a few steps back from her.
"So there's your explanation. Maybe now you'll understand why I can't get close to you. I'm sorry for being a bitch, I really am, but it's the only way I can be."
I turn and walk out of the locker room and don't stop until I get into my car. Shift isn't over for an hour but I have no intention of being around when she gets over the shock. As good as it felt to get all that out I can't help feeling sad that I've just ruined any chance at all we may have had at friendship.
Thanks for reading.
Feedback is gratefully received.