Disclaimer: nothing recognizable is mine.
A/n here's the latest entry into my Death by Fanfiction universe. Remember that the characters are self aware and this is a kind of fun parody and crack fic. This takes place before the taping of season one ***Spoilers for anyone that hasn't seen the series in it's entirety***
Death by Fan Fiction: The Lottery
Morgan whistled, then stared down the members of the team until they stopped arguing. "Guys," he said. "We're gonna be here all day if we can't make a simple decision."
"I don't think it's fair," said Reid. "Just because I'm the smart one doesn't mean that - "
"Of course, it does," JJ interrupted with a look that made Reid go bright red.
"JJ's right," Elle put in. "You're the logical choice because you're smart, you're lousy with a gun, and you're the youngest."
"Wait," Garcia held up a hand. "We should discuss this. Just because someone is smart and a bit geeky and shy –"
"Hey," Reid said, indignantly.
"Enough," Gideon said. "We have to make a decision. I'm hungry, and we have a long day tomorrow."
"I agree," Hotch said. "We start filming in the morning, and I for one am ready for a beer and a thick juicy steak."
"Geez, Hotch is that all you ever think about, your stomach," Elle wondered.
"Shut up," Hotch shot back. "Let's make the assignment, and we can all go home."
"Shouldn't the writers have a say in this," Reid asked after tossing a pumpkin seed in his mouth and crunching.
"No, and stop it with the pumpkin seeds," Morgan demanded.
"I'll have you know that pumpkin seeds are high in protein and a multitude of vitamins and minerals."
"Guys," Garcia interrupted. "Can we please just get on with it?"
"No!" Reid said. "We agreed to meet because you all wanted to decide who gets which role in our little group here. I get that Morgan is the best choice for the muscle," Reid began.
"Hey, I went to college," Morgan protested.
"Whatever," Reid dismissed him. "My point is that we decided that Gideon's the senior profiler, the hardened yet compassionate founder of the BAU. JJ's the beautiful, yet kick-ass media liaison, Elle's the new kid on the block with something to prove, and Hotch is the married boss with a baby on the way who's conflicted in his heart about what he loves more, his family or the job."
"You make me sound like a real son of a bitch," Hotch complained.
"Not a long leap from the truth," Elle said, and Morgan sniggered.
"That leaves the colorful computer expert and the genius," Reid said. "You guys claim that because this is an FBI drama that someone has to take the extra role of whipping boy and it should be me. I don't agree. Why not Hotch? His character has more to lose than any of us."
"No way," Hotch said.
"I agree," Garcia put in. "It has to be you, Reid because you're the most believable as the team's trouble magnet."
"I don't see how you – "
"Alright," Gideon shouted. "That's enough. We do this only fair way."
"How is that?" Morgan asked. "You want to draw straws?"
The others laughed, except for Gideon who eyed them all with such a serious expression that they all quieted and sat staring at him in disbelief.
"You can't be serious," Reid said.
"Yes, I am," Gideon said. "We'll call it a lottery. We draw straws, and the shortest will be the one."
"No," Reid argued. "I'm going to talk to the show's producers. They'll make you all see reason."
CMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCM
"I can't believe we're doing this," Reid grumbled as Agent Anderson turned his back to them and shuffled seven straws of varying lengths in his hand.
Morgan took the first pick and grinned when he came up with the longest straw. "Looks like I'm out."
"Be quiet," Reid snapped as Garcia pulled her straw.
It was too long to be the short straw, and she beamed at Morgan, who winked at her. "Hey, you two, flirt on your own time," Gideon said.
Hotch, then Gideon, Elle, and JJ all picked. Reid took the last one and held it up to Elle's straw because he couldn't believe he'd drawn the shortest one.
"I don't believe this," Reid exclaimed.
"Believe it," Gideon said.
"Am I done here?" Anderson asked.
"Yeah," said every team member, except for Reid.
"I'll agree to this if you tell the producers that I have a few demands."
Agent Anderson rolled his eyes and made a come-on motion with his hands. "What do you want?"
"If I have to play the part of the whipping boy, I want lots of juicy stories."
"Like what," Garcia wanted to know.
"Something fun, like maybe getting a girlfriend, but she's being stalked and gets killed before the story goes anywhere."
"Ha, like a genius gets the girl," Morgan chuckled and high-fived Elle.
"She'd be brilliant like me," Reid pointed out.
"I know," Morgan exclaimed with a glint in his eyes, "We could send him to prison for a crime he didn't commit. You'd look good in prison blues, Pretty Boy."
"How about kidnappings?" Elle asked.
"Or he gets shot," Hotch offered.
"We find out his father abandoned him at a young age," JJ put in.
"He gets kidnapped, and forcibly addicted to drugs by a homicidal religious fanatic who thinks he's the Archangel Rafael," Gideon added, as he began to get in the spirit of the brainstorming.
"I get to beat him up, at least one," Hotch said.
"Enough," Agent Anderson gave them a referee sign. "I'll relay all your demands, okay."
"Two other things," Reid said, and the others rolled their eyes.
"Yes," Anderson said and crossed his arms over his chest. "What do you want?"
"I want to direct a few episodes."
Anderson sliced a finger across his neck when Morgan opened his mouth. "Is that all?"
"No, I think the producers were right when they floated the idea that JJ and Spencer should get together, but I think it should wait until the end."
"Why the end," JJ complained. "I like the idea, too. The sooner, the better."
Morgan and Elle burst out laughing as Hotch shook his head, Garcia giggled, and Gideon just stared at them with irritated brown eyes.
Because," Reid huffed out as the others continued to hoot over his suggestion. "It'll be more dramatic. Anyway, it won't be long, JJ. The show will only last for maybe three seasons."
The rest of the new BAU team looked at each other and nodded. "You're probably right," Hotch said.
"I know I am, which is why I agreed to your little scheme instead of taking a head hunters suggestion to work in corporate America," Reid said.
"Good, can we go now," Gideon said.
"Whatever you want," Anderson said. "The producers said to remind you that it's an early call tomorrow, everyone. Don't be late."
"Yes sir," Garcia quipped and yelped when Morgan hugged her and kissed the top of her head.
"Let's go get a drink," Hotch suggested.
"No way, I have a date," Morgan said and left the room.
The others left together, except for Anderson, who pulled a straw from his front pocket and laid it next to the straw Reid had drawn. It was the longest of the group. He looked at it, smiled and went to inform the producers of the results.